Question 11 “At work, seemed, ended up falling in love, but…..”

Hello Seed,

Paragraph 1

I stumbled across your website and wondered if you could help me out. I am in need of some major advice. You see as every story its quite long, but, I will trim it down to the important bits, but, sorry in advance for it being so long. I am currently going thru/thought I have dealt with a break up.

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I am 21 years old and am still in love with my first love who broke up with me a year ago. It seems really weird that I am still not over her, after a full year? I am much better as in I don't get depressed as much, I don't cry as much, but, all those little things such as hearing her name, hearing a song or anything to do with her sends me into a mad thinking phase. Now I'm at the stage where I want to accept the fact that I need to move on. I know in my head that she was wrong for me. She did treat me really badly, but, my heart is still dealing with the pain and I'm still asking myself why? And having visions of, in the future she will come back or we will be together again.

Paragraph 3

It all started 3 years ago when I met her at work, we knew each other for months and seemed to get on really well. I was in my 1st year of university and she was taking a year out (were both the same age) and was planning to move away to university the following year (to a town next to mine only 20 minutes away by car). We ended up falling in love and having a great time as well.. We had our ups and down like most people, but, there was genuine love there. As it got more serious I was becoming more worried that when she moves away things will all change, she will find someone else etc. As Asians it hard to date because of family pressures etc, her brother and sister both worked at the same place so we were effectively dating in secret. So it was hard to find time to ourselves.

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When she moved away we had been dating a year already so we felt strong enough to carry it on. When she moved away everything changed, not for the bad, but, for the good. We grew closer and fell in love more. We were free and finally able to spent loads of time together and I used to stay up there like 3 times a week or so. We had problems at the start because she moved away and she was really lonely and wanted me to be there all the time, which is understandable. Then at the end of the year she came back home for the summer and started to work at my place again and things were back to the secret dating. But, we were so close and she often talked about getting married and her telling her parents.

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Paragraph 5 - 6 - 7

Then I got a placement offer for a year as part of my university degree to move to the capital London which is bout’ 3 hours from her. I was so happy because it was a massive company (ABC) and I had worked so hard to get the placement. She was so happy for me as well and we said it wouldn‘t matter where I was because our love was so strong and I was only there for a year and she was going to tell her parents soon anyway. So, things looked so good.

I moved away and she went back to her university and moved in with 4 of her girl mates. This is when things started to go down hill. She was increasingly becoming too busy for me and for the first time I felt like whenever I called her or texted her, I was getting in her way so to speak. It was like the roles had reversed from the year before. I had moved away she was settled, but unlike me she didn’t help me at all and I got really upset. But, we met up a lot and our 2 year anniversary was fast approaching. On that anniversary she apologized for not being there for me and said it was weird living with people because there always doing stuff and always busy. I said to her its fine as long as you don’t turn me away. I’m happy for you. I explained that I moved to a new city and just needed her that extra little and now I’m ok.

So, after that weekend I returned home and I was buzzing. She told me repeatedly how much she loves me and can’t wait to get married. Then it happened, I called her the next day and said I miss you loads lets meet up next week and her answer was, I need to spend some time with my mates I can’t just spend all my free time with you. It was a fair point in a sense, but, I wasn’t being unreasonable. She spends the whole week with her mates and its only on weekends that I can spend time with her because of journey it was impossible for me to come down in the week. This was very hard to accept and it carried on for the next few weeks. It was always: “oh I’ll let you know when I’m free. Then we will meet up.”

Now for some dialogue.

I was determined not to make a big deal of it so I said ok and started to spend time with my mates as well.

Then one day I asked her if it was ok to see her on the weekend it had been 3 weeks since I seen her last and she goes: “I don’t know I might be busy. I’ll let you know.”

It came to Friday and no response from her so I called her and asked, “can we meet up? Cos if not I can make plans with my mates to go out (they were planning a boat cruise and were on my back to come).”

She said, “I’m probably going to go with my mates.”

So I said, “Ok fine il go with mine (not in a bad way).”

So the next day I wasn’t that upset. I went out with my mates and enjoyed the time.

Then she calls saying, “oh my mate decided not to go can you come down?”

“I cant now I already made plans.”

Then she kicked off with me!!

Can u believe?

She slammed the phone down after making a big fuss.

So when I got home I had a word with her saying its not fair, I have been put on hold for the last month declining my mates because I hoped you would say meet up but you never did and I even called u yesterday to ask b4 I confirmed with my mates and you said your busy.

I could notice this change in her, like when I called her mind was busy on other stuff so I said to her, “lets take a break, a week break, meet up and talk, see what you want cos im getting the feeling I’m in the way here.

Paragraphs & More Dialogue: It’s over.

So we did and in that week I thought I loved her so much, but I can’t carry on like this. I was hoping she would come to her senses. When we met up she was sorry for everything saying she was in the wrong and she doesn’t know why. She claimed she was falling out of love with me and wanted a bigger break so she can deal with what’s happening. She still wants me but doesn’t want to hurt me anymore by staying with me.

I didn’t like this but there was nothing I could do. Then after that I never heard from her. Weeks went by with nothing I tried calling and it was like, don’t call me etc.

Then like 6 weeks after she said, “she has been thinking and were too different we argue too much it has to end.”

And that’s it after 2 years, a month after she tells me she loves me so much she says this. I tried calling her. Even going down, but, she refused to meet up and threatened to change her number if I persist. I got no closer nothing.

I was left in London heartbroken and totally confused. I know I should of jumped first. But, I didn’t .. I sent her letter and everything but she told me she didn’t even read them cos she knew what they were going to say.

I tried my very best to try and bring us back together, but, she refused each time. So, 3 months on I’m determined to move on, so, I stopped calling, her and started living me life.

Then I would get the occasional call from her to ask how I’m doing. I thought this was so cheeky seeing how she just dumped me like that with no answers after everything that I have done for her all the waiting I did and it came to nothing. I didn’t say anything, I acted like a gentleman and just talked to her for a bit told her I was busy and; left it at that.

It came to her birthday and I was wondering whether I should call? I didn’t in the end, which prompted her to call me and say, “hey it was my b’day the other day.” Which was quite funny.

Then just b4 I was going to move back home I thought she has tried to contact me so many times since we broke up maybe she has come to her senses, I still loved her and thought I should call her and ask her to meet up. When I did she went psycho on the phone saying, “there is nothing to salvage, I don’t love you blah blah.“

I thought: “damn so much for calling!”

I moved back home and that’s when all the memories kicked in and she was on my mind again, I couldn’t get her off my mind. I was determined not to call again, cos she just blew me off last time, but, the hurt was all coming back. After a few months I thought I should call, so, I did, asked her to meet and she said, “no I don’t want to, I have moved on and I’m not ready to meet you, it will hurt me too much (even tho she said she has no feelings for me).”

I tried to explain to her, you acting like I cheated on you or something. Why you always giving me the hard shoulder?

Gearing up for the Question

All I want is to get closure and move on, so when we do speak there is no tension, it was responded by a bitchy comment by her, so I left it. Then the next few months the thought were driving me nuts, I was dreaming of her and everything and the mere mention of her name would send me into a state of depression. So I sent her a long email, telling her that I still love you and miss you, I’m sorry for my part in this whole thing.

She did send me a email back saying that she doesn’t feel the same way, she has changed so much and don’t think it will work, we were changing which is why we started arguing so much ( I read it as she was changing, cos I wasn’t!)

She said that’s y people say, don’t settle down too early cos your mind develops and you start to change. That’s what happened to her. She told me to forget about her and move on. She doesn’t love me or have any feelings for me. She doesn’t want to be mates cos everytime I get in contact with her it brings back all the bad memories and she is just concentrating on her final year at university and doesn’t want to be involved with anyone.

I sent one back saying thanks for closure! I have changed too but I still love you.

People change all the time but doesn’t mean they cut off al ties with their loved ones.

She did have the decency to call me that evening saying she wanted to clear the air, it was a nice convo, not full of hate or tension. She explained she didn’t want anyone she just wanted to be alone, she was changing, which was y she was neglecting me and it was best if I moved on and that was it. That was 2 weeks ago

I’m still finding it hard to accept and I think its cos after everything I did for her I at least deserve more detail than we changed or we argued.

Finally the Question(s)

I guess I know I need to move on but sometimes I wake up hating her. I wake up missing her. I wake up not bothering. It’s just his circle I’m in and I cant seem to get out.

1. I really wanted to meet her face to face to see why?
2. Why when she san say I love you so much, then a month later it can all change?
3. Why does she find it so easy to accept when I’m finding it so hard?
4. If she has no feelings for me wotsoeva then why won’t she meet up to talk properly?

I just can’t accept how she handled it and really thought meeting up I could sense her real emotions and if it did end then end on good terms.

I have tried my best, even started seeing other girls but, didn’t want to take them any further because, I didn’t want them getting hurt cos I’m in an emotional state.

Sorry again for this being so long!

Your help is very much appreciated.

Help Please.

Troubled With Love

Dear TWL

Thank you for sending in your novel. I sincerely appreciate the time and effort you have taken.

FYI your question has set a modern day record for being the longest question ever submitted to a columnist. Kudos to you. I think it may be possible that the question is actually longer than the length of the relationship you are struggling to put behind you.

I've wrestled with trying to out do you, to write a longer answer. Or, to just tell you simply to move on. Which - by the way - is very important that you do. Not necessarily "move on" - instead, find a way to deal with your heartache. To perform a ablution of your heart.

In the spirit of giving you informative, funny and helpful advice (complete with cool graphics and pictures), I've decided to break your question down paragraph-by-paragraph in hopes to get to the root of your dilemma. I hope you don’t mind.

Paragraph 1

You "stumbled across?"

TWL if you are stumbling across websites may I suggest picking up your feet when you walk. Actually that may not help you. Websites as far as I know are virtual. They do not occupy any physical space. Therefore, stumbling across a website may indicate a real lack of coordination. --

As for "major advice".

• Have you asked others for advice yet?
• Were they not capable of providing you with "major advice"?
• What is this so called "major advice" you speak of?
• Is it a military thing?

If that is the case, would you not want "general advice"?

I'm so confused. I'm not in the military.

What I can promise you is that I will give you some "blunt advice".

Maybe not the advice you want to hear or accept, however, I guarantee that since I am removed from your situation (have no emotional attachment), I'll be able to answer your question brutally, sparing you the fluff a friend may try to dump on you.

If you read (listen) with an open mind and heart you may find yourself in a better position to masticate the remnants of your once strong relationship and eventually swallow, digest and put in a porcelain bowl for safe keeping, or to be flushed away as a once fond memory.

Currently "going thru/thought I..."

Once again I'm confused. Flip - flop, flip - flop. It can't be both ways TWL. You can't be “over” and “going thru” at the same time. It sounds like you have a split personality. Maybe you have a drunk personality and sober personality. Maybe, just maybe, drunk TWL is still going thru stuff and sober TWL has found a way to cope. If that is the case, maybe drunk TWL needs to take a break and let sober TWL run things for awhile. If it happens to be the other way around, I feel bad for you. Drunk all the time is not a good thing.

I’m not suggesting by the way that you are a drunk, hell, I don’t even know if you drink at all. All I’m implying here is that the “over” side of your personality needs to be in charge right now.-------

If you do happen to be a solid consumer of the amber elixirs of life: what are some of your favorite watering holes in London?

That concludes my analysis of P1. Thus far 62 words and no question.

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SLAAAPPPPPP!

Snap out of it. You're 21 years old. As much as you don't want to hear this: YOU DON“T KNOW SHIT.

You think you do, but, you don't. Very few of us do at that age. Maybe you are one of the rare exceptions. Let me soften that just a bit. You do know some things, obviously you have some talents, ABC has hired you. You must've done well in school to be recruited by them and I'm positive your future is very bright.

TWL you may have really loved this girl, but, and it is a big but, you have no business being in a committed relationship at your tender young age. Hell, she broke up with you when you were 20. You knew even less then. Life is just starting for you. This is your time to be a kid and make mistakes. A relationship that started when one is so young is destined for one place and that is the trash can. That is just the way it is. You can cherish it, learn from it and hope that some day you are lucky enough to find another relationship filled with the passion and excitement you have just experienced. In fact it is important that you don't settle for anything else. However, the next time love comes knocking in such an all-consuming fashion, hopefully you will have a greater sense of self and be a more rounded man, allowing the relationship the best chance of survival.

“First love” is such a rush. It strains the pants so to say. You will never get over it. Why would you want to?

What you can do is try to keep it in a place where it can remain an amazing memory and significant part of your life. The reality of the situation is that if you don’t come to that conclusion and find a way to store the memory as a fond one, you will destroy the memory and that will do you and your ex absolutely no good.

One last thing. Stop thinking. Her name doesn’t only belong to you, nor, do the songs that send your mind churning. If you think they do - you may need to lock the rest of the world out.

That concludes my analysis of P2. Thus far -- words and no question.

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Wow!

At work, seemed, ended up falling in love, but, genuine love, serious, more worried, someone else, As Asians, family pressures, dating in secret, find time to ourselves, wind storms, amputations, premature ejaculation, earthquakes, locusts, fires, flat tires, substance abuse and so on and so on.

I've got a question for you:

• How did you ever expect the relationship last?

The fact that it lasted 3 years is a miracle and makes it much like the length of your question, eligible for the Guinness book of World Records. As much as you felt you were in love (I'm not saying that you weren't), long-lasting was doomed from the get go.

Let's examine further.

• At work:

1. Workplace romances can be exhilarating.
2. You have an ally to spend time with.
3. To escape from the drudgery with.
4. Have lunch with.
5. To have secret rendezvous’ with.
6. To gang up on co-workers (opinion wise) with.

Depending on the environment the secret can give the relationship a voyeuristic feel. The excitement of the secret can give the relationship life and spice it up. But, when it wanes and things aren't tickity-boo, it can become a living nightmare. A place where you can't escape your existence. The solace that it once provided becomes.............hell. And, depending upon company policy, everyone else may despise your flaunting and frankly wish you and your bliss would eventually spiral out of control to a painful end. Joy will eventually come from your despair.

That’s not to say that workplace romances can't work, but...........

• Ended up falling in love & serious.

Ended up falling in love doesn't sound like love at all. People don't end up falling in love. Sure over time people may realize that they really love someone who has been constantly around them. Hence, "grow on". Ended up on the other hand just sounds like you were sort of bored and it was the best option available.

When you combine that with "serious", as in "got more serious": What the fuck does that mean?

Another sign of doom for a relationship is to get serious. People have been getting serious about relationships for a long time now and this penchant for making a relationship serious usually leads to: divorce if your married or the end of the relationship if you are just dating.

Think about it for a moment…………………………………………………........................that’s long enough.

How many serious friendships do you have?

My guess a big fat zero.

Just like friendships relationships are supposed to be fun. A place of support and comfort from this big fucked up world. If you allow them to become serious, you may as well just walk away, because I guarantee that if you decide to try to salvage the serious train wreck, you'll find yourself in a counselors office being instructed to lighten up and find ways to put spark into your relationship. Such as: greeting your lover wearing nothing more than saran wrap or bringing home toys. Likely things you were doing before it became serious in the first place.

Serious to me means the relationship has lost all spontaneity (which does happen) however, if you forget to romance your partner and become serious. I wish you luck. The moment a relationship becomes serious, you may as well write its eulogy, because it is likely dead.

Don't believe me - check the divorce rate, I bet you find a direct correlation with serious relationships.

If you'd like carry it a step further: ask couples who've been married for a long time if they consider their relationships serious?

The answer may surprise you.

That is not to say that there are not serious moments, such as illness, death, maybe work..... I'm struggling to think of more.....seriously I am.

As the group Snap sung, "I'm serious as cancer - rhythm is the dancer."

If you'd like to help Seed out with times that it is important to be serious in a relationship please send your suggestions to me at askseed@hotmail.com

I'm not quite done, I am painfully serious about this. Serious is one of the most misused and negative words in our vocabulary. "Get serious." "Must buckle down and get serious about studying." "Serious accident." Serious illness."

Do you get where I'm going?

It is time that we all took a deep breath and stopped being so fucking serious about everything. I'll go as far as saying that if I was sick, terminally ill for that matter - every "serious" visitor that dropped by would be asked to leave. I wouldn't need anymore heartache in my life. I'd already be dying, that is fucking serious enough, in that instance I definitely wouldn't want people around me treating me like I was already dead. Bring on the clowns.

* That doesn’t mean there are not certain things in life that you need to be “responsible” about. Raising children comes to mind. It is very important to teach strong values & morals, a sense of right & wrong, encourage, nurture & support, all with a touch of discipline and structure. I believe that sometimes is mistaken for being serious.

• Seemed & but.

TWL, who are you trying to convince?

If you’re in love, those terms don't really exist. If it is really love, "serious" love, there wouldn't be hesitation. You'd know it.

As for but, sounds like your trying to convince yourself by ignoring what is really missing from your relationship. You even used but, in a really strange way.

Most of the time buttheads sing some praises for their relationships, their jobs, their dicks, their.... well that is enough, and they follow the praise with the inevitable shortcomings and their eventual excuse for bailing on each of the above by inserting "but".

1. But is a qualifier that highlights for whomever listens as to why you need to change your life.
2. But signifies the start of the end. I love her, but....is like saying she'll do until I get really pissed at her or until someone better comes along who doesn't have as much butt.

However, your usage is quite intriguing. You reverse the order, you talk about the negative, the "ups & downs" and then you repeal it by saying there was "genuine love".

Because of this I’m really questioning if you were in love or just trying to convince yourself that you were. I'm sure you were infatuated and that their was "genuine like" for this girl, but, "love," I'm not feeling it.

Maybe a neediness. Maybe a fear of loneliness. Or, maybe a fear of butts.

Along with adding your fear of her "finding someone else", TWL, that's not love, that is insecurity speaking. Love is based on trust. Sure there can be a hint of jealously, but, come on, if you say the love is genuine in one sentence, it is not a good idea to say that you’re jealous and controlling in the next. I know this from experience, I had this magical genuine love you so speak of. It lead me to the land of trust with jealously removed. The problem was: for my gal she genuinely loved cheating and not me. Bitch.

However, that won't change the program for my next love. If I ever utter the L word, trust has to be part of the package. If it isn't, it ain't love.

• Asians/dating in secret.

I understand your pain. I dated a girl who was Half-Asian. She had been adopted by a full Japanese family. Though she didn't "hide" me, her parents never approved and made it their mission to let her know everyday. Bitches.

I deeply loved her. Envisioned a life with her. I was incredibly happy. Unfortunately, the pressure placed upon her by her family to date within her culture eventually put too much of a strain on our relationship and it came to an end.

This left me spinning and looking for answers. They never came.

Was I mad at her? I was way too busy being pathetic and trying to find ways to win her back. I continually thought that if only I could shower her with my love from different directions, one day she would come around and realize what she was missing.

Instead of my desired result, she stopped worrying about my broken heart and started to worry more about why I just wouldn’t accept things and go away. Let her live her life and whether her decision was wrong or right, give her the space to figure out what she needs in her life.

By pushing, trying and buying countless self-help books on rekindling lost love, I truly showed how much of a selfish pathetic schmuck I was becoming. And to make matters worse I was pushing her further and further away.

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Cross-cultural dating can be difficult at best. I know it was hell for my ex girlfriend. It is getting easier as we get into second and third generation families. The old standards are coming down. -

Dating in secret though - sorry for saying this: Isn’t really dating at all and your ex was never prepared to deal with her family issues. That in no way is a reflection on you, however, it was once again a sign that your relationship didn’t stand a chance. It simply couldn’t.

That concludes my analysis of P3. I give you credit - I’ve never read a paragraph before that revealed so much and gave me so much to write about. Thank you. You may have provided me with material for 4 Chapters of a new book.

“If Your Saying But - May As Well Write the Eulogy.”

Official But Meter - 23. TWL used but, 23 times in his question. What does that tell you?

Thus far -- no question.

Paragraph 4

You’ve now spent some time in your “secret” relationship and then it seems in year 2 it was time to make things more challenging by throwing long distance into the equation. I know you guys didn’t actually throw it in, life did.

Do you know how many long distance relationships survive?

Less than 1%.

Do you know how many long distance relationships last when the lovers are young?

The answer is so small that……..

Sure if your only apart for a year or even a couple of years, maybe there is a chance. However, once again it all depends on what direction life sends you. If you at any time stop living your life and go chasing after love - - once again “Good Luck.”

There simply has to be more.

As for your situation TWL, of course in the beginning everything would seem better. She was lonely, away from home and missing her first love. You say it yourself, so, you must understand it. Until she got settled and found new friends, your presence was a god send to her.

You need to love yourself for being such a great boyfriend and being there for her during these times. Don’t fuck it up with your own neediness. Wait it may be too late for that.

The suggestion: getting married and of telling her parents, reeks of manipulation. She likely was using that to keep you around. She knew it was a power she could control you with.

By using that I’d say she was being a bit of a…….

That concludes my analysis of P4. Thus far No Question.

Paragraph 5 - 6 - 7

It all falls apart.

You said you loved her right?

Now you’ve coming up on year 2 of a secret relationship. Year 1 was the chemical reaction of falling in love for the first time. Nothing is like it. But the question is: is it sustainable?

I remember the first time I mastr….. Though enjoyable it had to eventually end. Three days after it started I found myself cleaning up the corresponding mess. I cherished the moment and felt a little guilty at the same time. Fortunately for me I got back on the horse and have been…..

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Sorry back to your problem. Ahh fond memories. Year 1 was full of excitement. Unfortunately is was also filled with a pretty significant lie.

With year 2 came separation. Sounds like the first time your gal had been away from her family and for sure the first time you had been away from your “first love.”

Few things are as painful. In your instance the distance* wasn’t so great that you couldn’t see each other. Which in turn gave you some freedom like never before. You found yourself falling deeper by giving yourself to her and by helping her ease the pain of loneliness. For the first time you could live the relationship without the corresponding lie. Must’ve been fantastic. Too bad she was still behind the curtain.

* “instance the distance,” could I possibly be rapping?

To make it even more challenging, you were both away from home. This time you were lonely too. How dare her, not giving the same unconditional support I had given her months earlier when she was on her own?

TWL listen to yourself. Your both young with the big bad exciting fucked up scary world in front of you. You’ve got a chance to go explore and experience new things and people.

1. Why would you want to put conditions on it?
2. Do you want to limit your life experiences?

You say that your mad at her for not giving you the same love and support as you gave her. Realize by doing that you are screaming that there were conditions on what you had done for her. If you really expect something in return you really weren’t expressing love. You were simply lending it to her. Which my friend isn’t really love it is manipulation. And by telling her: “it’s fine as long as she doesn’t turn you away.”

Big mistake. There is no response she could possibly give to that. She may not want to hurt you, but, you are putting her in a corner and yelling that you’re needy and you’re not going to let her live her own life.

A Seed Insight

When a couple is involved in a long distance romance, life can be exciting. Since you don’t have to see each other every day and deal with the day-to-day crap that sometimes tears relationships apart. Or, cements strong love bonds. Things can be amazing. You count the seconds till you see each other. You talk on the phone or online regularly. Each time you meet there is a whirlwind of activity, infatuation and excitement. The sex can be full of passion and mind blowing.

Until - until life happens. Until one of you makes new friends. Until one of you loses your neediness. When that happens the twine that is holding the relationship together will often splinter apart with the neglected lover picking at the splinters until everything begins to unravel. He/she may realize what they’re doing is creating problems, however, they’re neediness may take over until the picking destroys what once may have been love.

If it continues, what was once a whirlwind of activity, infatuation and excitement will deteriorate to, I don’t love you anymore.

That concludes paragraphs 5 - 6 - 7. Thus far No Question.

Now for some dialogue.

I’m tiring. I’m still with you though. TWL is there really a question at the end of this? Or, were you just honing your typing skills. There better be some sort of questioning payoff. I need the money shot.

It is a good thing that you asked her permission to come down. And, it was very good that when she turned you down - you made other plans. Very healthy. A little secret on relationships. If you don’t make yourself available at all times - you become more desirable.

The problem with that is, it is a form of manipulation and if you are dealing with “true love,” you’re just being stunned. With “true love” manipulation dies.

Yes I can believe it. For the first time you weren’t at her beckon call. That likely shocked her. Doesn’t mean she loves you. Or, that she wants to be with you. It simply means she wasn’t getting her way and that confused her. For the first time her manipulation of you wasn’t working.

TWL, regardless of this, your relationship was over a long time before this. It likely was over as the “secret” continued. Your challenge is to find the guts to accept it.

Still no question.

Paragraphs & More Dialogue: It’s over.

Smaaacckkkk….. Wake Up

You are simply now starting to screw-up royally. I was going to say fuck-up royally, but, I thought you may not accept such strong sentiment.

I know I’ve been there. Not quite to the horrific degree that you are, however, close enough to have a grasp of what you’re going through. Keep reading and I’m going to give you some insight that - - that you may not like, you may even try to “take the piss” out of it. I assure you that I’ve given my answer a lot of thought and I’m responding to what you’ve told me and my friend, you’ve given me a lot.

TWL stop thinking about yourself. You are not only fucking up. You are starting to cross over some scary boundaries.

• She would come to her senses. She was in the wrong. Bigger break. Nothing I could do. Threatened to change her number.

Look. You’re relationship is over. Probably forever. At least for a long - long time. There really is no point of you pining and hoping. She has now repeatedly told you what she wants and you’ve basically ignored her wishes. Whatever love you did have for her is now being replaced by your needs and selfishness.

SHE OWES YOU NOTHING.

Accept that she loved you. That is a beautiful thing. You say she says she was wrong. That shows that she does care and she doesn’t want to hurt you or cause you anymore pain than you’re already feeling. She is trying to give you an easy out. Take it.

There is nothing that you can do. Wait - there is something and it is very important that you do it. Stop trying to win. There is nothing to win and there never was. We don’t win our intimate relationships. If they are competitions, sure, they can be filled with passion and excitement, however, when the explode, implode, erupt or whatever other descriptive wording you choose it is best to run and get clear of the pending mess that is coming. Heal yourself at a distance. Cause’ the other option is going to stunt growth and render you bitter for the future.

Here is the kicker: Threatened to change her number. Respect that. If you don’t you are risking crossing some lines that may impact your career and future love interests. If you don’t respect that wish…..

I suggest changing your number. Make it difficult for her to reach you. Stay far away.

What did you ever do for her?

If you loved her. Everything you did was for yourself and your relationship. It wasn’t for her. Get that type of thinking out of your head. Unfortunately, sometimes we hope for some reciprocation and it never comes. Those are just the breaks of life.

Still no question.

Gearing up for the Question

I’ve never understood what “closure” in a relationship is.

What could closure possibly do for you?

I know this may be upsetting to a lot of people who feel that they need a reason. That way they will be able to move on and become a better person. More loving in the future.

Closure, what a load of garbage. Just imagine. You are a good person. You have strong morals and values. You’re ambitious. Have a solid sense of right and wrong. You’re loving, supporting, nurturing, etc., etc. etc.

Then you get dumped. Do all of those tremendous attributes go away? You know the answer.

Sure you may get thrown through the emotional grinder. You may question everything about yourself, however, if you take the time and look inside, you will realize that your still a great guy and it ultimately will be her loss.

Therefore, no reason she could possibly ever give you will be good enough. You need to just chalk it up to circumstance, maybe her insecurities or dysfunction and maybe even her family issues.

Even if you were offered this so called “closure” there are only so many options - you could:

1. Discount it.
2. Be hurt by it.
3. Become increasingly needy and say repeatedly that you will change.
4. And, if you do change based upon trying to win her back. You’ve got some bigger problems and even if you were taken back, it would only be a matter of time before you’re dumped again.

The fact is that she doesn’t want you anymore and if you keep pushing, you may get an answer, but, I guarantee, it won’t be one you like.

I am really speaking from the heart here.

Getting close to a question.

Finally the Question(s)

I don’t suggest moving on. Your love for this girl is significant. It is after all your first love and first love sometimes cause the greatest pain. With that pain comes the greatest opportunity for growth. So instead of “just getting over it” and “moving on,” try to find a way to put it in a place where you can cope and come out the other side a more caring and loving person.

I truly hope this doesn’t fall on deaf ears. DON’T MEET UP WITH HER. Even if she agrees to it. It won’t do you any good. Do you really want to hear if she is dating someone else, doesn’t love you anymore or anything else?

As for saying she loved you and then breaking up. Just like you are now, she was likely messed up. Remember she too was giving up on her love too and that is not that easy to do. She may have manipulated you on a few occasions, but, she still loved you and unless she is a heartless bitch she really doesn’t want to hurt you. Constantly pressuring her is making hurting you more her only option. If you love her and yourself for that matter, don’t make her go there.

Sorry to tell you this. You may have just (wait a second it has been a year), started dealing with it. She has dealt with her pain a long time ago. Once again don’t be selfish. She just wasn’t on the same schedule as you and it is unfair of you to impose your will on her.

As for seeing other girls. You are a long way from ready. A long, long way. Maybe you can rebound a bit to help stroke your ego, but, right now my friend you are damaged goods. If you are no good to yourself, how could you possibly be good too anyone else?

Go take care of yourself. Pamper yourself a bit and heal.

Finally, you have to accept it, there is no other sane option. I do feel for you.

Some final words.

I had no intention to out-write you. I thought I would just crank out a few lines tell you to take care of yourself and that you are a great guy to care enough to ask the question. I think it is a sign of great character and very admirable that you realize you are in a bit of trouble.

Frankly TWL, some of your issues cause me a bit of concern and I definitely suggest seeking out a counselor to talk to about your feelings. I think it would do you a world of good. You’ve got a bright future ahead of you and you don’t want to spoil it on someone who isn’t capable of giving you what you need.

We all deserve better.

If you can find the courage to take a big time out (meaning cut all contact for a long, long time) and heal your broken heart, who knows maybe one day you’ll meet up with your “first love” again and when that day comes and you’re living a happy confident life: You’ll come to a place where you cherish the fond memories you had and smile.

Remember you asked

the seed

P.S. Hopefully you found this message helpful, funny and informative. I’ve changed your name and company to ensure your anonymity and will place it on my website in the near future. I would appreciate it if you encouraged others to visit our website at http://www.seedenterprises.com/ . I would also appreciate if you told others about my book: Seed’s Sketchy Relationship Theories - A Guide to the Perils of Dating (How not to become a bar regular).

Question 10 "I'm a Witch......."

"I'm A Witch"

Dear Seed:

My name is Dark Angel, also known as L T - my pen name. (names have been changed).

First, I am a Witch, I have a great deal of Creativity, my second manuscript has just been sent to a Publisher. I met a lady about two years ago, she is Gemini-Rabbit, I am Pieces-Boar, I have been told sometimes literally. However, my lady friend and I are no longer seeing each other, she cannot focus well. I sometimes focus too well, we have a great deal in common, yet, she is always busy with other things. I mentioned my manuscript. It had taken me fifteen years to ready it for publishing.

Back to my lady friend, she really is beautiful, and we did very much enjoy each other, in many ways, yet, she get busy with other things, of which I am not invited. We no longer see each other because of my work schedule. I would very much like to get together again, but she has chosen not to email me since my birthday March 11. What do you suggest?

Thanks,

Dark Angel

Dear Dark Angel

First, you’re a Witch. Second, you’re a Witch. Third, you’re a Witch. Beetle juice -Beetle juice - Beetle juice. I would like to say this could very well be our first question from a Witch and frankly I have to admit, initially I was a bit freaked out. I quickly rushed to the TV looking for Buffy reruns to gain perspective on what I was dealing with. After watching a few episodes and being memorized by the saucy sexiness of the Vampire Slayer and her fight to save the world from evil, I retreated to my bedroom to relax and conjure up love images of Buffy. After the conjuring was complete all I could think about was the fact that, you’re a Witch.

I quickly phoned all of my friends. Four minutes later I found out that I have no friends that are Sorcerers. So, we laughed. Quickly I realized it is inappropriate to laugh at things that you don’t understand. So, I laughed some more. When the laughter subsided I decided some research may help me dealing with a question with someone who is well versed in the Dark Side. Did I mention I love Buffy. Hmmmm sticky. I decided to look for some Witch based retreats to visit, I made call after call to Coven after Coven and unfortunately for me all the Covens I contacted were full, no room for number 14 at any of them. Luckily for me, because I do suffer from an acute case of triskaidekaphobia. Finally, I broke down and watched the first three Harry Potter movies in a quest for answers.

What did I learn from the Harry Potter movies? Well, I learned being a Witch is fucking cool. Challenging, yet still cool. Where the hell do I apply? What else did I learn? I learned that just like the Non-Witch members of society, there are good and bad. And that others try desperately to appear bad. Witching is no different than every day life. Of course with the exceptions of the capes, brooms, talking pictures, spells, potions wands, freakish animals, magic maps and the………..

No really literally.

Next I found myself leaving my environs to a enchanting far away place looking for the answers of the universe. I woke in a mythical land where furbelows were the norm and where the rich toiled in the heavens and those less fortunate were forced to struggle in the Stygian blackness below. Then I quickly snapped out of it and realized I was on Earth and these were the new realities of our society. Not quite the new realities, I am not sure who just wrote this, but c’mon - “furbelows”.

Dark Angel, as for your question. Boars and Rabbits make strange bedfellows. A tough fit in a sense. You say you met two years ago and have a lot in common but yet, she always seems to be busy with other things. You say that she can’t focus and you focus too much. It sounds to me she likes to be doing the “in common things” with others and she is using her rabbit like speed to keep you at a distance. As for her not being able to focus, who says? Once again she seems to be focused on staying out of your life. I say forget her. You are wasting your time.

And, “in common” is boring. People who are so focused on finding someone with a lot in common may as well just buy a mirror and date themselves. Embrace the differences, that is what makes life interesting.

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As for your manuscript, congratulations on finishing it and having the guts to send it off to a publisher. The whole book writing process is tough, full of rejection and self doubt. I know. The thing is I am not sure what it has to do with your love quest. Are you trying to impress her? If you are it appears as if she doesn’t care.

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You ask what do I suggest?

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Other than increasing her optical prescription and lowering yours. Forget her, it may be tough to do, however, repeatedly banging your head against the wall trying to get the attention of someone who at the moment does not appear to be on the same “love potion” is futile at best.

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There are lots of fine Wicca Babes out there who would be impressed by your writing and would love to have you wave a wand at them every now and again.

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Hopefully my words were of help. All I ask of you is to move on and please don’t cast any spells on me, unless of course they involve Buffy!

Remember You Asked.…

-the seed

If you were entertained, aggravated, excited or anything else please share our column with others. It is free after all. Once again thank you!

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If you haven't yet picked up a copy of Seed's Sketchy Relationship Theories - A Guide to the Perils of Dating (How not to become a bar regular).

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What's taking you?

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Just click on www.seedenterprises.com and buy away. Really. We'd appreciate it. If you don's LT may place a spell upon you.

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Thanks for your support!

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Make sure you tell your friends!

Question 9 Unrequited love can be a 'killer'

Hello Ask Seed Fans

Before we venture into the next question I feel it really needs a bit of an introduction. We encourage all sorts of questions to be fired our way and we will always try to answer them with brutal honesty and sincerity. However, a large portion of the answer is going to contain an off-beat, hopefully somewhat hilarious and entertaining rant. Having said that, we will never diminish another human beings existence on this planet. After our rants, we will always try to offer up some fresh perspective from the minds of the Seed Collective. We in no way claim any psychological competence. We use our life experiences to come up with the most entertaining heart-felt responses that we can.

The following question is actually not really a question. We are not sure what it is meant to be. We had posted some information about our book in a chat room and somehow this individual took over the chat string. In the previous Question from him (Devo 3) we took the question very seriously and decided that it required a serious answer. So that is what we did. After that answer he got back to us with the question below. Like said above, we will not diminish anyone’s life experience. All we can do is answer as honestly as we can. If you find yourself in the same situation as Devo 3, we recommend that you seek professional help. The reason we have included the questions from Devo 3 is to illustrate that life sometimes can throw us curve balls. As much as we would like it to all be light, unfortunately that is not always possible. Without any more hesitation here is the Devo 3’s second question (comment) and the way I addressed it.

Dear Seed.

I just saw this article (!) I was right all along!

Unrequited love can be a 'killer'

Lovesickness can kill and should be taken more seriously as a legitimate diagnosis, according to health experts.

(taken from BBC News UK Edition, February 6th 2005)

The article summarizes what I've been going on about and through - that the situation of depression caused by the loss of love, isn't taken seriously by most medical practitioners. And that it isn't just some kind of 'self pity' or artificial construct in the mind. It's almost like a disease - a cancer of the metaphorical heart. I for one, even with my 'spiritual' knowledge and beliefs, am finding it hellishly hard to survive. I can't imagine what those people who don't have much (or any) spiritual understandings must go through. I never mentioned this before, but I did know someone who committed suicide because of ruined love. There wasn't any support for him. We in this world don't really take ruined love seriously. We expect everyone to 'get on with it' and 'get over it', and for a lot of people there are no shoulders to cry on, or consorts to confide in. Most people don't know where to turn to, if they are affected badly. Anti-depressants are dished out left, right and center. My best friend was on anti-depressants a few years ago, and he's not been completely right since. I feel 'hope' is what is lacking most in people's situations. Hopelessness should be treated as an illness. I still suffer from it, and even though I've tried to get help, it wasn't any use. I don't know any 'magic cure' or formula, or 'medicine' that can alleviate this condition, but all I do know is that hopelessness kills, but hope saves...

Finally Validated

Devo 3

Dear Devo 3:

I hope you are still getting help. In my opinion you are focusing on the wrong stuff. Why are you wasting your time trying to prove that you deserve to be blue.

Smoking also kills. Not everyone. Well, eventually everyone. I am not sure why you are trying to win an argument that no one else is participating in.

This is going to be my last comment on this topic. I recommend you seek professional help. Not chat room diagnosis.

The only reason I am writing it is because I give a rats ass about people. I am convinced now that you really don't want any help. You have found what defines you and that is holding onto some illusion that you are heartbroken and need to cry on a shoulder. What answer could you possibly be looking for? That you are a good person. That you didn't deserve to be treated the way you were. I have read the posts from others and you have been told over and over again that you are good person and do deserve better. You can't keep asking the same question from different angles.

Depression sucks! I remember once trying to take my own life, because I thought I had lost the love of my life. I forgot who I was. Fortunately I snapped out of it. It would have been a waste of a fantastic life. Unfortunately we all likely know people who have committed suicide. That is a harsh reality of the times we live in. It is unfortunate. I remember when I was so painfully depressed I definitely could not take the time to write message after message in a chat room. I was too depressed to do that. I don't get what you are trying to accomplish. My advice is get out of this room, it is doing you absolutely no good. I said it before and will say it over and over again. The only way you will ever get better is to get out of here. When people ask you how you are doing. Lie. Say, "Great", no matter how you feel. You will be amazed at how much that helps. Other than that find one or two people who will listen to you. Just listen - nothing more. Until the day you get bored of telling the same story over and over again. The fact is, "your love", wasn't your love. She doesn't want you. Period. And if you ever have a hope of it returning, you have to go fix yourself. Announcing to the world you are screwed up in a chat room is not a very good way to go about it.

Like I said find 1 or 2 people, even a professional and just talk to them.

We are not equipped to give you the help you need. You really need to stay away from these chat rooms until you are better.

I feel for you, I really do, but it is enough already. Here is a excerpt from my book. Maybe this explains something for you.

[....]If you feel that you are not sure if you can get through this alone, then get some counseling. Sometimes we can’t work past all of the challenges of life on our own and the people close to us are not equipped or trained to give good advice. They have a host of their own challenges. For the sake of example, I don’t know one friend who could have possibly been able to deal with all of the events that took place in my life in the last year. They can listen, but to ask them for the answers is simply not fair.[....]

-excerpt from Seed's Sketchy Relationship Theories - A Guide to the Perils of Dating.

As for those events they are as follows:

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http://seedenterprises.blogspot.com/2005/04/creation-of-book.html

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So Devo you can see that life from time to time sucks. You are doing yourself no good wasting your time in a chat room. Maybe if you had found someone here to confide in that would be one thing. But is appears you haven't.

It is easy to keep asking the same question from different angles, hoping for a different response.

Look I would be very willing to listen to you and hear how heartbroken you are. Extend an Olive Branch, if you will. But not in here. That is one of the reasons you need to get your help from somewhere else. Typing answers which may be interpreted in a million different ways is not the answer.

And I will be frank here, I had not heard anything for a week or so on this post. That was fine. Then I receive a "See I told you all so" post. Grow up.

To all of my loyal Ask Seed followers, I promise never to let things get this heavy again. I think my head will explode if I do. I also promise to crank out some entertaining rants when I answer the next few questions. As for Devo 3, he really needs to see a professional. That is all I can say.

In another week I graduate from clown college, so stay tuned for some fresh and entertaining blasts from the mind of Seed.

Remember You Asked.…

-the seed

Question 8 Can a broken heart kill?

Dear Seed.

It seems that all I do is upset people.

Seed - I’m in a state of despair. I am consumed with grief and do not know where to turn. I have talked to several people over and over about the loss of my love and the damage that it has caused to my being. People no longer seem to want to listen, they don’t want to understand.

I have read portions of your book Seed’s Sketchy Relationship Theories. I agree a lot on your words, and perhaps I might be able to finish reading your book someday. What you said though in one paragraph, it so sums up my mess: "Love is not something that is to be taken lightly. When you tell someone you love them – that is, barring horrific events – it should be a permanent thing, something that will exist for a lifetime ... It should be something that if you say it, you mean it, and those to whom you express it should cherish this love. Period. No conditions. No insecurities. Sure, things might not work out with someone you love, but even when they don’t, the love needs to be permanent and if it is not or you don’t think that it can be then don’t say it. If you do, you are just lying. And the damage you are causing to another individual is sometimes insurmountable." This is the damage I've suffered - and I agree, I don't think I can surmount it, it's affected me too deeply. All because a woman was lying through her teeth. It's fucked up my mind, body and soul. And no amount of drugs are going to help me get past this shit. I wish I had never met her - I've lost everything because of how she treated me. This has hurt me so badly.

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I am to the point where I find myself constantly apologizing for my despair. I'm sorry for upsetting so many people with my words. It was never my intention. I have found it hard to continue on in life, when someone abandons you, but they are still continuing on like nothing ever happened, probably fucking every man in their town, whatever they told you was a lie, just so they could have sex with you to satisfy their insatiability. There is no closure - how can someone get over such an experience? I don't have the strength, I don't. I will never have children, because only the assholes who treat their children like shit are the ones that are lucky enough to get them in this sick world.

Well.... I'm pretty certain I'm going to be gone within the next few months. People are sick of my rantings, but I promise you that I will not speak anymore about my situation. If I do, you can come round and finish me off yourself. Seed is there anything I can do to alleviate my despair?

Desperate for Answers

Devo 3

Dear Devo 3

Wow. First off Devolution I suggest strongly that you see a trained professional. Your question has thrown us for a loop here at the offices of Ask Seed. If you are expecting a bit of an off tangent rant in attempts to provide the readers with a sampling of the comedic talents of Seed Enterprises I am afraid you will be disappointed. We treat every question with a degree of respect and only will flaunt humor when we deem it to be appropriate. It clearly is not here. Devo, I can’t stress this enough get yourself some physcological counseling there is no shame in that. We all go through trauma from time to time. Having said that - The Seed Enterprise Collective will not shy away from any question so here is our response.

We have all been through trauma and heartbreak. Whether it be illness, death or loss of love or a combination of all of these. Hell, I know for sure I have been there. I have felt my life was worthless and there was no point carrying on. Fortunately for me I snapped out of it. I realized it was a load of crap. I am not judging here, I am just making some simple observations. Below is a statement from Devo.

"I meant to say that it's hard to continue on in life, when someone abandons you, but they are still continuing on like nothing ever happened, probably fucking every man in their town, whatever they told you was a lie, just so they could have sex with you to satisfy their insatiability."

Devo, you said it right there very clearly. She doesn't want you. The simple fact that she lied to you, if true, means that she never likely ever did. I know you crave love. And I know you took my earlier words and expressed how much this hurt you. This does prove the power of the words, but what you are missing is this. It is pointless crying over and over and over again about someone who doesn't want you. Those are harsh words. I do not diminish your loss. I am even sure you are a pretty special person. The fact is you do need some help. People will listen to a point and then get tired of hearing the same thing. Some more than others. Some people will think they have the magic words to heal you. Maybe they do. But it is a long shot. In one week I have realized that this is consuming your life. You say she is f--ing others. That is no longer your problem. She does not belong to you.

If you thought she was your "true love" your actions now are only destroying any chance of it ever returning. You must remove yourself from the situation and regardless of how painful it is try to be happy. You can start the next time someone says Hello to you and asks how you are. Instead of dumping your heartbreak on them say you are "Great". Nothing more. If you need to still talk about it find one or two people who will listen to you. That is it. Just listen. Eventually you will get bored of telling the same story over and over and over again from different angles. If you do not have friends who will listen. Go to a professional. In your case you need to likely do that anyways. Focusing on your grief only perpetuates your grief. You can go on about this forever after all there are 6 billion people on this planet and when one tires of your situation, you will always be able to find another.

You claim it was love. This is going to sound very harsh. It couldn't have been. As I said, the use of the word love can destroy. What you are missing is - "If you allow it to."

Losing love is traumatic. Of great significance and I don't suggest just getting over it. But you need to come to terms with it.

You said, "Well.... I'm pretty certain I'm going to be gone within the next few months. People are sick of my rantings, but I promise you that I will not write anymore about my situation. If I do - you can come round and finish me off yourselves."

That is simply just offensive. How are people supposed to respond to that. You in one line insult everyone you are asking to help you. Guilt will not work here. When you say things like that you are not going to get a response that you enjoy.

As said above, your girl lied to you and she is likely sleeping around. Well, she is not sleeping around because she is not with you and has every right to do whatever she wants.

I am going to leave you with another bit from my book. Remember this is my perspective, you may agree, you may not. It is meant only to make you think. Take it for that.

[....]“Life’s Troubles Don’t Build Character They Reveal It” is another important theory. There is a lot of what I feel is misinformation out there about how one develops character. I believe that the way you are brought up, the values, morals and standards that are instilled in you by your family, relatives and your early social groups help greatly in the shaping of who you eventually become. But our true character, whether we are a follower or a leader a fighter or a quitter, are all revealed by how we react when life altering events take place such as the loss of a loved one by death or separation, the loss of parents, the loss of a job, health problems such as operations and so on. These are all very traumatic events that everyone and I mean everyone has to go through at some point of time in their lives and until these events begin to occur we will never really know the true individual that lies beneath.

Another point which falls under the category “misinformation” or just plain bullshit can be summed up in a simple phrase: “Get over it.” With this simple, short phrase people possessing absolutely no compassion and often with no comparable life experience attempt to put you down and minimize your trauma. “What, your true love just left you for Dr. Ken. Get over it – it’s just a break-up.” Another potential gem: “So, your family was killed in a car accident? Get over it. Be positive, things can only get better.”

If only life would be that simple. If it were, we could create a table or a list of appropriate periods of time required to “get over” traumatic events, for example: job-loss – 7 and half days; break-up with true love – 15 days; death of a loved one: 32 days, etc.

As we are human beings and not robots, traumatic events have an effect on us. Whether this effect is earth shattering, long lasting or of shorter duration depends of course on the event itself. This effect also depends on the character of the individual who has experienced it. If you cut your finger, and even though it really hurt, you probably won’t require sixteen sessions of therapy and a home nurse in order to help you deal with the trauma (unless you are, as mentioned earlier, a gigantic pussy).

The point is simple: grave situations or life-altering events have a severe impact on people. Life-altering events, as the adjective suggests, ALTER your life. Therefore, they shape and change you, how you feel about or view certain things and perhaps even how you think and act. You CAN’T get over these events as they become an irreversible part of your life. They don’t go away or undo themselves; they stay with you for the rest of your life. You can’t get over or digest the death of a loved one, but you can eventually come to terms with it.

A lot of people believe the crap from Nietzsche: “What doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger”. Well I am here to tell you, that is not the way it is [....]

[....]Back to the cliché’, that cliché may be true in some cases but most of these life-changing events usually just break individuals down and if you are not a person of great character it causes people to eventually quit and become bitter individuals. Maybe even regulars in bars wasting away their days complaining about what could have been. If you don’t believe me go to any bar or local hang out and you will be able to find hundreds even thousands of people whose life’s challenges got the best of them and they have given up on anything new and exciting ever fucking happening to them again. Sure they all have a sad story to tell and what I am going to say next is not really going to be that popular, all of these stories for the most part are “Fucking Boring.” Most of these people, when life gave them challenges revealed that they were weak of character, were not well rounded and had decided to give up. Cowards in a way. They have taken the easy way out and are now just killing time until they die.

I am not trying to diminish the significance of your life, by saying your stories are boring, they are not to those that love you. What I am trying to illustrate is that we all have had challenges to work through and unless they are unique these challenges are nothing new. It is just the way life is, you live, you die, you change along the way. I just want the change to be positive, don’t quit. Look for the positive in everything and though it may be tough to find it, it is there, even in trauma.[.....]

Excerpts from Seed's Sketchy Relationship Theories in a Chapter about revealing Character.

Devo - as I said this is my perspective from my own life experiences. I will not diminish yours. Let us just say mine could have easily destroyed me. I even once thought about taking my own life a long, long, long time ago. Funny though in a lucid moment during the process I broke out in laughter. In that one moment I realized what a waste of a great life that would be. People do love you and people do care about you. You may not see it right now because of your despair. I know I didn't. Especially when it is only one persons love you crave. Well I am sorry my friend that love may have been there, but it is likely gone forever. It is for sure gone forever if you wallow in pity.

If you need to talk, talk. If you want to take the cowards way out. Well the only people you are punishing are the people you love and those who have extended you an olive branch. Your ex likely wouldn't care, if your description of her is correct. It may even boost her ego. Your best revenge is to be happy and live a full life. The challenges are part of the journey. You need to find a way to come to terms with this. You need to like yourself.

That is the last time I will write about this. Like I said take it for what it is worth. Now is your time to improve yourself so you will be more appealing to your next love of your life. You need to come to some sort of some livable terms with this and find the positive in what has happened. It is there you just don't want to accept it. Frankly, why would you want to expend one ounce of energy on someone who "lied thru her teeth."

You are better off without her. Now work on yourself.

I am tired now. I need to lighten up a bit now. I think I need to go enroll in clown college.

In closing I came up with a saying which is basically my mantra for life it is:

Live - Love - Trust - Grow - Prosper - Cherish - With Passion Please!

Remember You Asked.…

-the seed

P.S. Don't apologize to me. I don't want to hear it. Apologizing to people does not give you the right to continue to wallow. Just get some help and take care of yourself. I am sure you are a fantastic person.

One last thing.

For those of you who enjoyed the excerpts I of course encourage you to check out our website at http://www.seedenterprises.com/ I also encourage you to pick up a copy of the book. You can follow the links on the site to find where to purchase it.

The book is not always as serious as the excerpts I have included. It is loaded with twisted humor. And it is full of passion and it is even a tad controversial from time to time. My co-author and I are very committed to making some positive change or at least encouraging discussion.

Question 7 Insurgent love quest......

Hey Seed:

I am a 24 year old man growing up in the mine fields of Baghdad. I have a real problem on my hands that hopefully you can give me some insight on. You see I am having a difficult time meeting women and getting them to loosen their burkahs. I thought that joining with the insurgent forces would help me since a comrade of mine told me that women dig the weaponry of war. However, to this point in time it has been to no avail. Death To America. Sorry, I just have to slip that in now and then. Is my comrade right and it is just matter of time before I am experiencing desert bliss, or can you suggest some other ways and places to meet women.

I noticed that in your first book Seed’s Sketchy Relationship Theories there are 2 authors (The Seed & German Seed). I was wondering if you have any information about what it was like meeting women during the Roman Empire, Death To America, and the Hitler Years. Because frankly, the Bush years have been filled with nothing more than dust and frustration and I don’t want to renew my subscription of Hustler (The Iraq Edition).

Any help you could launch my way would be appreciated. In closing Death To America.

Frustrated in the dessert.

Osama.

P.S. Unfortunately I will not be able to tell my comrade whether or not his advice was solid as I had to booby trap his body in an effort to stop the Yankee Regime.

Dear Frustrated In The Desert:

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Good luck with that.

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Remember you asked.....

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the seed

A Rebuttal To Question 6 I like my lazy ass.......

Dear Ask Seed,

I would like to respond to a very inspirational letter and response that was recently directed to you sometime before Christmas. A "Concerned Pal" who was in need of helping his unemployed friend wrote it. The unspoken bond of love and affection that the "Concerned Pal" was expressing was one that no one could miss-read, and everyone wishes that they had. It was truly a beautiful out-pouring of emotion, and one that inspired me... as I am sure that it inspired everyone that had the opportunity to read it.

You see, I too was at a crossroads... I too was working at a rink bar... I too had been relatively unemployed for a period of time... I too was looking for a change of life that would support my personal skills set... and it was wonderful to hear you put that "Concerned Pal" in his place, even though his intentions were filled with nothing more than concern and love... He truly needed to "Not judge this man until he has sat a hour on his ass". Who is this weenie that seems to find it very easy to judge the position of others? I picture him as some kind of nerd or computer geek or something of that nature. Even with the mixed emotions of wanting to have a friend that has such concern for ones self, and also having some level of contempt for the "Concerned Pal" as he truly seems to be someone who has his life mapped out for him and has no understanding for those of us who are still trying to answer the question of "What do I want t be when I grow up?.... I was still able to take home some kind of inspiration from this letter, and make some changes to my life.

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I have recently taken some employment... but not just a job... a career move... I have made a 180-degree move from my previous 20 years in one industry, and am trying to make a go of applying my learned experience and expertise in business management in a completely new work environment... Funny though, I am still not bringing home a steady paycheck, and I am still working for that rink bar... GREAT... now I am getting really depressed... Where is the inspiration that I began this letter with... here it is the middle of the night, and I am sitting up awake writing you this stinking letter as I am unable to sleep due to mixed up sleeping schedules with my new "career" and my continuing night job of bartending at the damn rink... I should be in bed getting some sleep so that I can apply myself to me new "career" in the morning, yet here I am, depressed by my new found "inspiration"... Who was this clown that went under the name of "Concerned Pal" anyways?... who gives him any right to judge, and also inflict his opinions on the rest of us through the "Ask Seed" depression hotline???

Maybe I will have to drink heavily now to put my misery to sleep... I believe that there is a bottle of something around that I can polish off so as to get some feeling of completion and accomplishment! Thanks again for pushing me closer to the breaking point of depression you "Concerned Geek"... do me a favor Seed, if you ever see this "Concerned Pal", just give him a swift kick in the balls for me so that maybe he will have to sit for an hour on my ass.

Sincerely, Bitter and Depressed (definitely uninspired!) Drunk.

Question 6 Get off your lazy ass.......

Hey Seed:

I have a friend that is currently unemployed yet insists that he is gainfully employed because he bartends at a local rink when not playing 'hockey'. How do I tell him to get off his lazy ass and get a job?

A Concerned Pal

Dear Concerned Pal:

You definitely pose an interesting question. Hmmm - How do you tell your “friend” to get of his lazy ass and get a job? First off ask yourself this - Can an ass be lazy? The last time I checked isn’t the ass just a small or in some instances a big part of a much bigger package. When you look at the geography that the ass actually occupies it is somewhere near the bodies equator, with the nerve center being a long way a way - way up north in fact. It is a fact - whether I made it up or not that the farther north you live, the more intelligence you must have to ensure survival. Very few people stub their heads. So when one thinks about it a lot of other parts of the body would likely have to be lazy long before the ass itself could become lazy. Also being near the equator, I don’t know if you have ever been to the Southern States, Caribbean, Central America or Mexico. If you have you will notice that the general pace of things is much slower as you must conserve energy due to the heat.

In this instance just consider the Asses neighbor to the west or east depending on the way you are standing. That is right, the second and what some theorists consider the more powerful of brains THE DICK. Much like some of the governments of the countries near the equator, THE DICK sometimes acts much like a Dictator. Pleasure profits and fast living are his sole goal and no cost is too great. This dictator will basically probe all avenues of pleasure even if the tolls are great for the other parts of a persons geographical make up. So I ask of you to cut the ass a little bit of slack. It really is fighting for survival.

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This picture has nothing to do with the question or answer.

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I just love it. It is that simple. Enjoy!

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Of course all original Seed Images are for sale.

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As for your question; Why is it your responsibility to come down on your friend and tell him to get to work? Before you could even approach this issue you would have to find out why he is unemployed to begin with. Things such as age play a very critical role in his employment picture. When someone is in their late teens and early 20s any job will do. You have your whole life to decide where you are going with life and unless you decide to go to University and pursue a specific career path, which I might add guarantees nothing, most people try a few things in an effort to eliminate the things that don’t fit their personality or skills set. Or things which they simply just hate. I am sure you could list a few things that would make you think about slitting your wrists. Having said that I am going to assume your friend is not in his early 20s he is more likely in his early 30s to mid 30s.

Now if that estimate is correct, a whole different set of criteria is involved. I am going to also assume that he hasn’t been unemployed for his whole life or he would not likely be your friend. Unless you two share a crack pipe and this is a common occurrence kicking each others ass so one of you could afford to pick up the next hits. Since you emailed me, I am going to guess that is not the case. Before you can help him you need to look at what caused his unemployment. Did he own his own business and suddenly found himself out of it for some reason? Has he all of a sudden found that his options are shrinking because of his age and the Foot Locker career path is no longer a good option for having a roof over his head when he gets a bit older?

When you are older getting a job is not that easy. Good friends don’t tell each other to get jobs. Instead they try to encourage each other to look for and find the things in life that make them the most happy. Would you want a miserable friend living a marginal life - as a friend? UNEMPLOYMENT REMEMBER CAN BE VERY TRAUMATIC. Assuming that you are not paying his bills, it is really not your responsibility to tell him what to do. Unless of course, he is spending his time bitching to you about how shitty life is and bringing you down. Remember what you did when your parents “told” you what to do. Your friend will likely do the same thing, with added resentment, until you are no longer friends. I remember once when I was fired from a job for not sleeping with the boss, one of my friends would circle jobs in the paper for me. Guess what he is no longer a friend.

Wow I bet you never expected an answer this long. If your friend is truly a friend remember he may be having some esteem issues as the next decision is important to him and he likely needs encouragement more than to be bitched at. Who knows since he plays hockey if the NHL labor dispute continues long enough, maybe next year he can be hired as a Scab Player.

In conclusion. I don’t think you can tell him to get off his lazy ass and get a job. Think about it if his ass reached the status of lazy, it may be a cushy ass, which in turn will make it harder for him to get off of it. Like a wise man once said.

“Don’t judge a man until you have sat for an hour on his ass.”

At least that is how I remember the quote.

I encourage you to pick yourself up a copy of:

Seed’s Sketchy Relationship Theories
A Guide to the Perils of Dating
(How Not To Become A Bar Regular)

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Not only will it provide you with valuable relationship advice, but it may also unlock some secrets to living life to the fullest and having a blast along the way. At least it will make you fall out of your seat with laughter from time to time.

Available at http://www.seedenterprises.com/ or order at your favorite bookstore by quoting ISBN1420800302.

Remember You Asked.…

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-the seed

Question 5 I'm not a slut.......

Oh My God Seed:

I am not a slut. Yet I have a real problem. I am honestly a LA 10, but for some reason I lose my inhibitions with even a sniff of alcohol. If I partake I find myself lowering my standards to the point that I put myself in questionable situations. In fact the other morning I woke up and to my dismay I found myself lying next to a man. I think. Whatever it was - was an abomination - something or someone which whom I would generally berate.

This has changed my perspective on a lot of things. This particular man, I think his name was Porky turned out to be another lost soul. Do you have any suggestions for me? Am I a slut?

Help Me Please

Helen.

Dear Helen:

It seems like you have quite a dilemma on your hands. On one hand you seem as if you like to party but have some serious problems with the after effects. On the other hand it sounds like you get yourself into some precarious positions when you go down the party highway. Since I feel for your situation and I don’t want to lead you astray or fill your head with my male perspective on the situation I have decided to hand this question over to Female Seed. Take it away FS.

Helen, while it seems like you have a dilemma, lets take a moment to analyze the facts. First of all, are you sure you are an LA 10? In reality you may be an LA 2, or at least have an IQ of 2 if you keep drinking with losers. Also consider that perhaps you are not really lowering your standards, but raising them. Maybe losing your inhibitions with alcohol is just an excuse to explain why you end up in questionable situations with pudgy abominations – people who may be your LA equals! And let’s take a moment to consider what exactly is a slut anyway. A hem length? According to the dictionary a slut is “a woman adulterer”. Are you married? Or just ending up in bed with married men? Another definition of slut is a “dirty or untidy woman”. Who cares if you wear a bit of your dinner or if your LA hairdo gets a little mussed over a drink. What’s so wrong with being a slut anyway?

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(This image and many more are available at :)

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www.seedenterprises.com

On a more serious note, perhaps you are attracted to lost souls – or abominations – because deep down you have a fear of commitment. You may need to sedate yourself with alcohol to pick up an ugly man, but it is much easier to blow him off the next day. Why bother with the pretty boys – they will just hog the bathroom (a sacred space that true LA 10s don’t like to share with anybody). Since you seem to identify with LA and all it stands for, perhaps you should consider drinking Red Bull. It is after all the beverage of choice by most real and aspiring “LA 10s” and since it is not alcoholic you will retain some sense of decorum, especially when being hit on by the Porkys of this world. You may get a little hyper, but you won’t have to worry about Porky anymore because he won’t be able to keep up with you. If however you insist on imbibing alcohol, then perhaps you should heed some advice that my father once gave me: “Before you go out on the town make sure you drink a large glass of milk to coat your stomach and a big piece of bread to soak up the alcohol – that way you won’t get too drunk.” He no doubt told me this because he wanted me to be able to keep my wits about me so that horny young men could not get me drunk and take advantage of me. Little did he know I had a hollow leg and could actually drink many of my prospective suitors under the table!

My final words of advice: If you can’t handle Red Bull, are lactose intolerant, won’t eat bread cause you are watching your carbs, then I recommend that you lay off the liquid courage when getting ready, bring along a chaperone, wear a chastity belt and give Porky a chance. He may be a nice guy!

Remember You Asked.…

-female seed.