Question 1 "We're having a baby!"

Dear Seed:

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When a couple is having a child, should they use the phrase "we are having a baby"?

Anonymous

A: Dear Anonymous:

Well, thank you Anonymous! You have asked the first question of hopefully many in this new and exciting enterprise called “Ask Seed”. You may be wondering what makes me qualified to answer these tough questions. Well, there are three things, which are all of equal importance: 1. Experience, 2. I am logical and 3. I am smart. That is it in a nutshell, so here we go with our first exciting question.

After some serious thought, I came to the conclusion that it is important to make sure that I am correct in my opinion here, after all this is the first question. So here it is, to summarize my opinion, you just have to ask a simple question: Do “we” look fat in this dress? The answer is a clear and loud “NO”. “Honey, you look fat in this dress”. And for the sake of this question, let us just assume you are actually a couple who are planning on having a child as opposed to one of those who have them by accident (LOL). First off, last time I checked, the male of the species is not capable of having children and on a little side note, we have no control on when our spouses or dates or one night stands or whatever the hell you may be, gets knocked up. Procreation is totally in control of the woman. Guys, if you believe it is any other way, you are stupid. There are only two ways we can have control, either snip-snip or abstinence.

So, now you and your lovely lady decide it is time to bring a little one into the world. Ok, so you are really just going along for the sex, and a by-product of that is your guys are good swimmers. You now have a couple of choices assuming that you are married. If you are, you likely have already given up a lot of your manhood (shall we say balls). Do you think the wedding was for you? You have likely given up a lot of the freedoms that you used to enjoy. You are now accountable to the Mrs. If your decision to tie the knot was well thought out, it is ok to give up some of your manhood. Nightly drinking with the boys might eventually have killed you anyway and maybe it is time to start a new and better life. Also if you have gotten hitched to the right person, it is worth giving up some things as you now have someone with whom you can share the good times and who will help you get through the day to day crap we face in this fucked up world. But the answer to the question is “no”, “we” are not having a baby. Your sweet lady is having a baby and don’t let her convince you otherwise. You do have responsibilities and will be giving up more freedom by succumbing to your night of bliss. You now are going to have a lifetime of financial responsibility. The nights with the boys are going to be fewer and farther between. You are going to have to deal with changing diapers, little league, carpools and so on and so on. Oh yeah, I almost forgot you are going have to deal with some of the psychotic hormonal changes that your gal is going to go through. So once again, we are not having a baby but you do both have your roles to play in the raising of your little Johnny or Chastity.

Now ladies, before you get your panties in a bunch. Come on, cut your guy some slack. I am assuming that one of the reasons you hooked up with him in the first place is that you actually liked his balls or the fact that he has some. If you keep asking him to change, eventually he will become an undesirable broken, ball-less wonder. If you two agreed to this whole child adventure, trust him, he is there for the long run and will give you both the financial and emotional support you so desire and on the basis of his “I do” and “Yeah, I want a kid”, committed himself to. Come on now, you don’t want him doing it out of guilt, do you? Now, if you did not agree on the child experiment, I have one word for you: “BITCH”. You will likely get what you deserve and the one who will ultimately pay the price is the child. So my sweet friend, it is you and solely you that is having the baby and if you have really planned this out well and are planning to raise your own child as opposed to some other hired care-giver or worse yet, Granny and Grandpa, kudos to you. You have now entered a phase where you both will play equally important roles; you as the primary caregiver and your man will play the role of the financial provider. So get off his case. He is working for the team here. He needs his sleep, so get up change the kid yourself.

Also guys, just because your girl is pregnant does not mean you have to give up everything in your life. Unless you have a drinking problem or a health reason for not drinking, it is OK for you to still have a few pops with your friends. It may be your only solace from the unpredictable hormonal assaults you will be facing over the next 9 months. If you decide that you need to quit drinking because your lady is not drinking, well I have a saying for you: MEOW, MEOW, MEOW!!!!!!

And another thing, my friends, please don’t give up your balls. You may still need them.

In conclusion, here are some other things that do not involve the word “we”, the “we’s” that annoy, if you will. “We” did not like the movie, the concert, the play, the whatever – you are still an individual so drop the “we”. It is ok for you to have your own opinion. It is “I” liked, or “Chastity” and “I” liked the movie. “We” is a trap. Don’t use it. Once you start, your balls are gone and the further you go down the path, the harder it will be for you to reclaim them. If you listen, you will be thanking me later.

So there it is answer number 1 of what “we” hope to be many.

Remember You Asked.…
-the seed.

One last thought on this topic.

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Please remember the world is over populated now, so please, please, please, no large families. OK!!