Question 18 The Infinite Saga of Mr. X - Part 3

Hey Seed,

Quick follow up on Mr. X:

His "wife" is still trying to decide who she "truly" wants. She phones Doc. India and gets text messages on her cell and e-mails regularly. She has little or no contact with Mr. X (just "mail came for you..." and the like).

Mr. X told me during a long walk that he still loves her and can't just flip the switch and turn that off. He says that when you love you must not expect anything in return. And he says, although he feels disrespected and treated "as though she threw him out of the life boat and pulled Doc in" and deeply hurt, he still could forgive her (he wishes he could react aggressively and flip out about it, but he says that this just won't happen with him in this case).

He then said: "Then they could 'work on their problems' and 'solve' them together."

He says that he is a person who thinks things through and then presents his finished concept of how things should be. He says Mrs. X is the type of person who is proactive is a person who takes action and doesn't think about things so long. Mrs. X says that he lacks "drive". An important part of his love for her is that he accepts her "as she is" and he believes that she must learn to accept him "as he is".

I didn't say anything. I just listened to him. I wanted to slap him. When he was done I just asked one question: "She did know who you were before you got married?" (they were together for seven years).

That was the end of the conversation.

Do you have any advice for this situation? I am afraid there is nothing anyone can say or do to help him.

Best regards,

FIN

Dear FIN

You’ve done the best you can - now laugh. No, that’s the wrong advice. You have one responsibility here - if you’re a good friend - listen till exhaustion.

That doesn’t mean that you can’t give the odd bit of insight, from your perspective of course, on what a colossal waste of time your friends anguish is. ‘Cause it really is a waste of time.

The only thing you can really do now is be there for Mr. X. Maybe for Mrs. X too, if she is infinitely hot. But, if you are hanging for your shot, you suck as a friend. Really you do.

“Advice for this situation?”

That was your question. That illustrates to me that you don’t suck as a friend. Actually since you’ve been part and parcel to the novel on the life & times of Mr. X., I’m pretty sure that your intentions are pure. Mine aren’t. That is if she is really is as hot and insecure as the previous dialogue and banter indicates.

“Look, look, no really look over there! The sky is falling. Head’s up.”

SMASH!!!!!!

Thankfully, I was wearing a hardhat and steel toed boots or I might of expired.

The sky was really falling, for the third instance in the last 9 months a crane operator lost control of his crane. I’ve never lost control of my crane. Have you?

Sorry, I lied, there was that brief period where my crane……..

Back to the crane and the first time the rigging fell. Much like bungee jumping without the recoil, the crane operator lost his two-thousand pound rigging from twenty-three stories:

SMASH

A week later:

SMASH

The operators job ($75 per hour) came to an abrupt end. Apparently the ground dwelling members of the construction fraternity don’t take lightly to gear falling from the sky. I guess the boots and hat aren’t sufficient protection. Time to up the standards.

Back to the dilemma. Actually the second “back” in a short period of time. Actually again, when you "spank" some insight into the equation, you will realize that is the problem to begin with: Mrs. X’s love of being on her back. Her insecurities have led her to believe that she deserves to be fucking worshipped. She somehow has elevated herself to a status where when standing on her self aggrandized pedestal, very few have the combination to look up her skirt. Somehow she has developed a false sense of entitlement.

In reality, she deserves little, in fact, guy or gal, it doesn’t matter, if you are entertaining the genital drippings of several suitors at the same time, one descriptive word for you comes to mind: POPULAR.

Well maybe that’s not the right word: SLUT.

I’m not suggesting that Mrs. X is a slut.

• an offensive term for a woman thought to be sexually promiscuous.
• an offensive term for a woman who charges for engaging in sexual activities.
• an offensive term for a woman who is regarded as not concerned about conventional standards of domestic cleanliness (dated).

I’m offended now - my research led me to a land demeaning to women. Men can be sluts too. In fact, for a short period of time, back in my University days I may have been a…….

The point is: did a guy come up with the terminology?

I don’t think SLUT is gender specific. So in that spirit, let's put brackets around the (wo) and accept responsibility for our indiscretions.

If you’re single, without obligations or commitments, go ahead, swing for the fences, fiddle in the trenches -- enjoy your sexuality. Explore - explore - explore!

Just be a (wo)man about it and don’t hurt others. For fuck's sake we’re fragile. Our upbringing has ensured that. Once we accept our shortcomings, and only when we’ve accepted them, can we possibly venture out into “love pastures”. I think that may be the fatal flaw of life.

Life screws us up. Hell - heaven - hell - heaven - hell - living hell - ah living heaven.

Much better.

We’re individuals thrust into society’s homogenized adaptation of living.

-

We’re being conditioned to conform to conformity. Basically: to buy shit.

And, the thing is, no "shit" can possibly be perfect.

At the end of the day, and it all, we’re individuals. In all likelihood our pooh smells.

Mrs. X is “trying” to decide who she “truly” wants -- what a bitch.

Mr. X, I feel for you, I felt for you, I’ve gushed at your heartache, but, but, but, but you’re quickly becoming a poster child for the blind.

If you continue down the path your on, the only way we’ll be able to understand you is if we touch the bumps on your tongue.

Listen to yourself: “Freeze frame” “Freeze frame”.

Out eighties. Out J. Geils.

Now let’s try again: picked up your mail lately?

Text, emails, phone calls, sounds like the page is turning and your not on next. The problem is you want to be. You fucking pine to be. You’ve convinced yourself that, that is the only thing that makes logical sense. Quit lawyering.

You think that you have “shared so much together”.

You think “we can’t throw away such a good thing”.

So your agenda has become to force, force, force………

We can "work" on things together. We’re meant to be. I believe in you baby. I really believe in you baby.

PUKE

The thing is: thinking is messy and never leads to the land of Dr. Moreau.

What I mean is the only way to find a solution is to stop thinking. Sounds nuts right?

It isn’t. If you become consumed with something, anything, the best way to salvation is to put it aside. To stop looking at it. If you don’t - you’ll obsess. You’ll risk becoming what you’ve been obsessing about. Conformity. I know it’s confusing. I drink beer.

Working for Mrs. X. is: looking hot, the second that changes she may have to evolve. The choice is not hers to make. Fortunately, probably non PC, her value will shrink as her age increases. Her sexy, saucy, seductive and sultry ways will rapidly turn from fox to cougar and the suitor holding the bag when that happens will be chewed up and spat out, likely left to raise a unwanted love child as part of the program.

I hope I’m wrong.

Spot apologizing Seed.

Sorry.

Stop apologizing Seed.

This chapter's conclusion:

Love is fucking stupid. That is when it is wrong. People who love each other make the odd mistake, but they don’t drag one another through crap. It is not supposed to be so hard.

Mrs. X. is flawed. Those who love her need to step aside and let her sort out her life. She’ll probably miss the “sort out” boat and continue to “use” until she grows claws and fangs and she joins the "I’m a bitch/cougar parade" with lipstick on her teeth.

With the sales pitch: “Love me. I used to be hot.”

She’ll probably live a life full of luxury and emptiness.

Working on the relationship for her simply means: not getting caught. That is, until she upgrades.

Face reality the current version of Mrs. X or "Trash Gold Digging Love Tramp" if you prefer: is flawed and likely not capable of love. If you continue your delusional pursuit guess what? Before you know it you’ll become a flawed lover as well. Good only to the desperate, needy and flawed. Breaking free really is your only option. Ask yourself this question:

Why are you leaving your future in the hands of a liar and a cheater? You do understand that is what your doing?

Now wake up and use your brain. You made it through law school - do you want to make it through life - happy.

A Seed Insight

Quit being stupid. Seriously, I mean it people. We all do it. It creates scintillating drama on a regular basis. We all think our situation is different. We all take the love indiscretions of our mates so damn personally internalizing our heartache with the delusion that they really didn’t mean to hurt us. How could they, we are such fantastic men and women that surely their trashy behavior must be a mistake. We over-romanticize our relationships. We have illusions of perfection. We forgive.

Though we don’t admit it, our mind tricks us into believing in some way the straying is really due to our own shortcomings. This strips away our esteem.

If we continue down this road, we’ll eventually become bitter, jaded and broken. The further down Blithering Lane we go results in our baggage handlers growing increasingly tired of our refusal to accept the crystal clear reality of the situation and one by one you’ll find them falling by the wayside. If the stupidity continues for too long the handlers will all be gone and the carry on baggage of life will exceed weight restrictions and long bouts of expensive therapy may be the only respite to the dismay.

As hard as this is to accept: cheaters while in the form of a cheater don’t deserve our love. It’s not our fault that they cheat. They cheat because they aren’t capable of loving. Argue this point till your blue in the face if you want. I know that cheaters will. Their character is at stake.

Claim it is human nature to stray. Claim it is forgivable. Claim that people make mistakes. Sometimes we have to, to protect our hearts. Sometimes being in love really sucks. Fuck - claim that it is not a big deal. Maybe I’m the delusional one. Maybe it is no big deal.

SMACK

Wake up, Seed. Wake up, World. It is. Accept it if you want. Work on your relationships if you think that you can’t live without the cheater. Forgive them. Maybe you are the exception. I hope that you are. But it is more likely that you're not and your acceptance of betrayal shouts out: I deserve to be treated like shit! Is that what you want?

Fortunately for Mr. X there are no kids involved. That would cloud issues more and make Mrs. X even a bigger selfish slut. He really needs to step aside. He needs to forgive her and realize it wasn’t his fault. He really needs to learn to find a way to cope, to cherish the good and pursue something richer and more fulfilling for his future. He needs to accept that the current version of Mrs. X doesn’t meet the criteria.

It’s time to reduce the divorce rate. It is time to reduce the number of needy children running around from broken homes.

QUIT TRYING TO STAY IN MESSED UP RELATIONSHIPS. MOST OF THE TIME IF A RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES A LOT OF WORK, IF INFIDELITY IS INVOLVED, IF YOU ARE NOT SURE, IF YOU ARE NOT SURE AND IF YOU ARE NOT SURE, TAKE A DEEP BREATH. LOOK AT YOURSELF FIRST AND IF YOU DON’T THINK THE SPARK AND MAGIC WILL RETURN - PART COMPANY. IT’S NOT WORTH IT AND YOUR LOVE INTEREST IS NOT ‘THE ONE“.

SERIOUSLY! THIS WAY COUNSELORS AND DIVORCE LAWYERS CAN HAVE A BIT OF A BREAK FROM THEIR HECTIC SCHEDULES DUE TO LOOKING OUT FOR YOUR BEST INTERESTS (tongue firmly in cheek). UNLESS OF COURSE YOU’RE THE ONE EXCEPTION AND YOUR CHEATING MATE REALLY DID MAKE A MISTAKE. AND, THEY TRIPPED AND CHEATED BY ACCIDENT. AND, THEY DO TRULY (see brackets above) LOVE YOU.

YOU’RE NOT. THE EXCEPTION THAT IS.

end insight.

The problem is our neediness makes us vulnerable and that vulnerability leads to neediness which in turn results in babies. And the world turns…….

"FIN" all you can do is listen. I suggest while wearing headphones (I-pod people you may advertise here), until Mr. X bores, becomes bitter and jaded or……….

Finally, love is great, priceless if you will, if you find it you’ll know. If you do hold on.

However, without respect there can be no love and if you’re disrespected let it go -- or, make a shirt with WELCOME on the front and lie down.

Remember you asked

the seed

(to be continued)