Ask Seed: Question 2 Shaving dilemma

Dear Seed,

I have a question for you and I hope you will be able to help me.

For whatever reason in the last while I have had the urge to shave myself. At first, I started shaving my armpits, so that the deodorant works better and I don't sweat as much. Then I started shaving my chest. Now I have the urge to shave my balls.

Is this a radical hygiene phase I am going through or is there a chance that I might be gay?

Thanks and bye,

Mr. Clean

P.S. I checked and I have neither a cock in my ass nor in my mouth. The only dick I hold in my hand is my own. However, I do own a loofah. Please help!!

Dear Mr. Clean

Mr. Clean, Mr. Clean, Mr. Clean, the answer to this question has changed over the years. It used to be simple, you are a big hairless Homo without question. However, as society plows forward there has been some significant changes taking place in the area of personal hygiene. It used to be if a man shaved anything but his facial hair or perhaps the hair on his head it was a definite sign that he was looking for his loving from more manly sources. Either other men or Eastern European women (primarily of the female athlete variety).

Having said that, times have changed. Thanks primarily to some progressive women, body builders (gay culture) and the gay culture (the movie industry) shaving different parts of the anatomy has become somewhat vogue as well as intriguing. Pardon the terminology, back in the 60’s - 70’s and 80’s it was acceptable when “muff diving” to come up with some hairs stuck between your teeth. Hence the term muff diving. The males of the species did not particularly like this - yet it was the price we had to pay to go the “distance”. As society evolved, I think it was 1994 to be exact a progressive girl named Chastity in NYC had done a little trimming of her privates and when her boy Johnny went down for some up close and personal time - to his dismay and excitement he found hardwood floors. No more hair. Johnny loved this and that night of bliss started the demise of muff diving, the world was entering a new dimension. More and more guys were discovering the pleasures of the oral world. Shaving for women was becoming almost mandatory. It was surprising that this took such a long time to come into existence, I guess it shows how slow we are (males) to evolve. I am sure some people are still telling us to leave a message after the tone.

As time passed, out of intrigue some guys have started to shave different parts of their bodies, it used to only be females going in for hair removal treatments and now as we get further into the 21st Century more and more men are going in for treatment as well. Much as guys enjoy what they are finding down below on their female friends, they are being demanded to do some yard work as well. After all it is only fair. Rumor has it gay culture has been doing this for decades.

As for you Mr. Clean let us break down your question. First you had the urge to shave yourself. Most MEN have the urge to grab a beer or a burger, not to shave themselves. If it has not been requested of you - hmmm - your urge seems a little fishy, pardon the pun. Secondly - you started off by shaving your armpits, now Mr. Clean if a str8 man did happen to have this so called urge to shave himself, I am afraid to tell you that extensive research has shown that the armpits ranks somewhere around 19th on the list of places he would shave, it falls right after the tongue and just before the eyeballs. Also the effectiveness of deodorant has nothing to do with hair.

Next you mentioned you started to shave your chest - that may be acceptable if you have one, which is something I am starting to wonder about. Shaving your chest though it doesn’t necessarily mean you are gay anymore (unless of course you are a body builder), it does however loosen up the wrist just a bit.

Mr. Clean I am starting to see a trend here. I may be wrong with my guess, however, I am going to venture that much like “muff diving” is becoming obsolete, so is your fondness for the fairer sex. Finally, once again you have the urge to shave your balls. A Harvrad Study has shown that guys who have shaving urges are likely to be 73% gay. Ironically though having a razor down by your balls might be the last thing that a guy wants, quite often it may be the first thing he shaves out of a desire to get some action. Straight guys clue into this. You shaving your balls last is just an indication that you have not been getting any for a long time and perhaps you are just coming to terms with your own Gayness. I am going to bet that as your shaving experiment progresses, your sense of style has been improving in direct correlation.

Is it a radical hygiene issue. NO. As for your other question here is an excerpt from:

Seed’s Sketchy Relationship Theories
A Guide to the Perils of Dating
(How Not To Become A Bar Regular)

Which may help you to decide for yourself.

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You may be gay if:

your razor is in the bath tub or shower.
your magazine selection contains Men's Fitness Magazines.
your magazine selection contains a lot of fashion magazines.
you work in retail.
you do regular facials.
you actually go out because you like to dance.
you choose to spend your Weekend nights in predominatley gay establishements.
you don't have a lisp but it sounds like you do.
you ever had sex with another man.
your music collection contains Christina or Justin.
you are still walking when the treadmill at the gym hits a speed of 6 miles per hour

You are likely gay if:

you like gay pornography.
you work as a waiter.
your name is Chad, Jeremy or Josh.
you shave any of your body hair.
you have a dick in your mouth.
you have a dick in your ass.
you call your male friends girlfriend.
you call anything fabulous.
you watch day time televiesion, reality television or any show about cooking or decorating.
you watch Will & Grace.
when your asked if you are gay, you have to think about your answer and you answer in a politically correct way.
you have a loofah in the shower.
you work at any of the following The Gap, Old Navy, The Banana Republic.
you think about having sex with other men.
you are obsessed with body image.
your music collection has a lot of house or techno in it.
you know who Margaret Cho is.

You are more than likely gay if:

you work as a hairdresser.
you like harcore supposedly straight pornography, the harder it is, the gayer you are.
you have more unerwear than your girlfriend.
your diet contains any of the following, e, k, g, crystal or poppers on a regular basis.
you spend a lot of time dancing with your shirt off.
you choose to go by Stephen, Patrick or Jonathan.
when you are asked if you are gay, you agressively answer that you are straight.
you use the word fabulous.
you have a dick in both hands, one in your mouth and one in your butt at the same time.
you prefer to have sex with other men.
you are a guy and you have a boyfriend.
you say that you are gay.
most of your female friends are overweight.
you are far more attractive than your girlfriend.
you have more girlfriends than guy friends.
your warddrobe consists of a lot of shirts that have Old Navy, Gap, Banana Republic or Abercrombie logos on them.
you watch Friends.
you know what a loofah is.
you move to the city and you continue to drive a pick up truck.
you are a male figure skater.
your music collection has any of the following: Madonna, Britney, Kylie, Barbara, Celine, Shania or Cher in it.

You are definitely gay if:

you are definitely gay if you have ever been involved in a gay bashing.
you are not the parent of a male figure skater but yet you like to watch figure skating.

I hope that has been of some help Mr. Clean. In my estimation you are likely 113% gay and it is about time you started to do a little trimming just a little bit north of your balls because it is only a matter of time before that area will experience some probing. I also suggest you look again, are you sure it is your dick in your hand?

Remember 93% of loofah accidents happen in the bathroom or at gay bathhouses and are a result of aggressive lathering. So please lather with caution.

In closing whether one is gay or not is their own issue, it is no one else’s business. It is not a disease or sickness. It just happens to be the way some people on the planet are wired. For anyone out there who has a problem with it. Evolve - get some help, it is you that need it, not your gay friends. They have other more important issues to concern themselves with.

Remember You Asked.…

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-the seed.

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