Question 13 Obsessed.........

Dear Seed:

• do you believe in following your heart?
• do you believe that love (along with one's will) conquers all?
• if so, why?
• if not, why?

i love a certain person who has serious mental health problems. he believes it is best for me, not for himself, that we not be together. is he allowed to make such a decision? i think it's unfair and even underestimates me. that it should be up to me. i think it is best we are together. i think loving someone implies that you be there for them, no matter what, or the cost. love implies responsibility and willingness to sacrifice.

i know that i cannot be with anyone else. i've never felt any inclination or desire to be with anyone else. i know it will be hard but that is the only thing i can accept. i will not be satisfied with life without him. i've had over two years to examine myself, my feelings, to see the difficulties and challenges. i admit it is hard to deal with. a lot of the time i wonder if i make things worse. at the same time something in his voice makes me understand that simply being there, holding on, helps. also he has said so. he tries to push me away. he thinks that i will end up looking to someone else for support. at one period of our relationship when things were not that clear and we weren't talking i sent pictures of myself to some people online, nothing i wouldn't show my grandma. he takes this as proof and example of what kind of person i am or of what might happen. i've never done anything sexual with anyone.

i didn't mean anything by it. i didn't even remember until he reminded me. we weren't talking and i guess i was trying to get some kind of...i don't know...i don't know. maybe i was just bored.

he also has all this fear regarding myself and having male friends. he says it's impossible they all want to be in a girl's pants. what do you think? basically i want to know if you think it is best to give him some time and space to come around? to see that i won't be changing my mind, that i am faithful etc. what is your advice? i really have no clue. all i know that is that i love him, that i want to be with him and that his well-being is the most important thing to me.

i don't know if i should tell you what his illness is or not. he also has a problem with me quote talking about him behind his back'. i don't. but once i said i felt he was using me, that was a long time ago when i didn't understand what was going on with him. ya. anyway! starts with sch! if you use this on your site you can sign my name however you want. just don't use me email, or my email name. or my initial.

thanks. --

Confused About Love

" Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them. Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it. Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved, but for the patience to win my freedom. "

-Shantideva

Dear Confused About Love

I would like to start off by saying thanks for sending me a question. I (we) will do the best we can to provide you with an answer that is insightful, somewhat thoughtful and funny at the same time. However, some of the subject manner is far beyond my expertise.

What is my expertise you might ask?

Well lets just say it is in the development stages, therefore, there is no guarantee that my suggestions will be beyond peradventure. The one thing I can guarantee is; I will do my absolute best to at least make you smile. You may be offended, but at least that offence will be shared with a smirk.

CAB, if I may call you that, to begin with, answer me one question: Why do you hate CAPITAL LETTERS? I know it is a tough question to answer, but maybe, just maybe, it is the root of all of your problems. In university I walked past a couple of classrooms where psychology was being taught and I actually dated a psychology major for a while. What I learned from my strolls and from being intimately involved with someone who actually went into these rooms to learn, is that your fear of CAPITAL LETTERS may show that you lack confidence and that you may suffer from low self-esteem. Of course I never discussed this during my romps with my girlfriend or my romps with anyone with any psychological competence, it is just what popped into my head whilst reading your question. My gut tells me I am right. My gut also tells me no more fast food.

As for the meat of your questions.

• Do I believe in following my heart?

Yes. Probably not in the context you have in mind. Actually on second thought, in most cases I like to be going along at about the same pace as my heart. Following it, would imply that it has left my body and had assumed some sort of leadership role that I happened to believed in, and thus would be more than eager to follow it down whatever path it had in mind. This would likely be a fatal mistake. Wait. Actually I would already be dead. I’ve been to a hospital before, I’ve walked past some classrooms where doctor type stuff was being taught and I dated a nurse for a while and during our discussions of matters of the heart, they all concurred on one thing: Without a heart - You’re Dead. So I am going to stick to my original answer……

Screw that, sure it is important to listen to what your heart or your gut or any other part of your physical and emotional make-up tells you. I’ve listened to Willie on several occasions now. Trust your instincts.

Having said that, I would like to add a disclaimer: Unless you are some sort of psycho. The kicker in this “following your heart” concept is this: If your heart is telling you that ABE or CHUCKY is the only guy for you and you love them wholeheartedly and that they are the ones that make your heart go skip - skippity - skip - skip - gaoung - gaoung - ga giggy goaoung, you better hope that ABE or CHUCKY’S hearts are leading them down the same path as yours and that you are the one that makes theirs go (see skip - skippity…….. above). If you are not CAB, you’re stepping into a very gray and frightening area. THE LAND OF THE NUT.

The point is, it is not your decision to make if someone else feels the same way about you as you do them. You can’t force someone to love you or care about you. You can try. It won’t work. NEVER. Maybe a hundred years ago there was a chance, in this new day of age, love is no longer paramount in most cases. Harsh but for the most part true.

• Do I believe that love (along with ones will) conquers all?

Absolutely not. The whole premise of “love conquers all” screams of desperation and neediness. Love is like a drug, it is a chemical reaction to something. In the current edition of the world it is repeatedly being proven that the fix at least 50% of the time is not sustainable. Once a individual comes down from the “LOVE HIGH”, they go searching for another fix (infidelity or divorce) to validate themselves.

In my estimation the world is spinning out of control and desperate lost souls are grabbing onto whatever they can in hopes to be saved. I quite often grab onto beer. I find the more beer that I grab onto, that other things start to spin as well. For instance, the other night in an attempt to slow down the world I had a few too many pints, the result of the over-pinting was, the bar that I was in, started to revolve and I found myself waiting for the door to come around so I could leave and go home.

I’m just saying, everyone is messed up in some way, either coming from broken homes or the constant pursuit of gravy (the finer things in life), that we are all forgetting to stop and smell the flowers. To enjoy the simpler things in life. “Love conquers all”, suggests “hopelessly romantic,” which may be beautiful if you are Shakespeare, however, don’t all hopeless romantics die broken hearted?

(As well as ones ‘will‘), sounds a bit scary to me. Are you going to pull out some sort of doll of Abe or Chucky and poke it with pins in a hopes to make him love you. You can’t ‘will’ someone to love you. Suggesting it, well suggesting it suggests, that you don’t respect their opinions and you are going to force your opinion on them till they see things your way. You can ‘will’ yourself to run a marathon, to complete a project, to eat whatever Joe on Fear Factor puts in front of you, but you can’t ‘will’ someone to love or care about you. Now stop trying to do it.

I think I just answered the why? or why not?

CAB we are talking about the heart here. There is no rhyme or reason to it. We are just getting it wrong on this planet that is all. If you tried to ‘will’ your love on me I would grow increasingly tired of it. Eventually I would stop talking to you and either move or change my phone number.
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CAB what I suggest here is that you get some help and talk to a professional. I can’t offer you the type of help your question suggests that you need. I can offer some sarcastic wit and dry comedy. I can also offer some suggestions from my perspective, which luckily happens to be right from time to time. But that is about it.

Having said that, you’ve spent 2 years of your life examining your feelings for someone you are not with. You are deeply in love with someone who “has serious mental health problems.” And he feels it is best for you two not to be together.

LISTEN TO HIM.

He is very wise, he likely recognizes that he is damaged goods and with damage comes problems. That is not suggesting that he doesn’t deserve to be loved and cared for, but unfortunately, life has dealt him some pretty shitty cards that he has to deal with every single day. He has to deal with his own shit and trying to deal with someone who is telling him what is best for him just adds to his burden. It is not your place to decide what is best for him.

From the tone of your letter I am more concerned that you need help. It is not healthy to need someone as much as you profess to need him. Look CAB I really feel for your situation, I too have thought that I loved someone so much that I couldn’t be without them. I did everything I could to try to remain friends and show them that we “could work.”

What a waste of time and a load of crap. When I finally finished my self-examination period, I came to the conclusion that though, on the surface noble, I wasn’t respecting their wishes and more importantly respecting myself. You can’t truly love someone else until you get your own house in order and “neediness,” is not in order.

OK, that’s about it for the time being, I am quickly going to summarize my thoughts for you.

1. He doesn’t want you, at least not the current version.
2. It is best for you to seek some help and find someone professional to talk to about your feelings.

You are likely a very loving and caring person and you sincerely want to help him. The problem is he is flawed and challenged and in his flawed and challenged state he realizes that romantic involvement is not the best thing for him or anyone else. I feel for him. But he sounds like a smart guy. So give him the space. Unfortunately for you, until you can get your own emotions in order, it is likely best that you stay away from him or any other romantic involvement for that matter. Quit trying to save him. It sounds like he resents it. Go get yourself help and get yourself happy.

As for his thoughts on your “male” friends. He is once again very wise. Ask yourself this question: If you are so in love with this guy, why do you need other “male” friends?

A lot of people argue my thoughts on this subject. Most of those people are divorce statistics or heading for one in the future. The thing is: MEN AND WOMEN are wired differently, we have different tastes, desires and interests and once you have entered into a committed relationship or marriage the rules change. They have to if you want the relationship to last. In fact the change will be effortless if you are with the right person. Sure, there is an exception or two to this and every other rule, but that is it. The whole adage opposites attract is based on these different interests. The guys provides one side of the relationship make-up and the girls the other side. Combined these different elements are supposed to lead to relationship harmony and balance.

Once you are, as I said earlier, married or committed, if you are still entertaining the thoughts of others wo(men), you likely aren’t with the right guy or girl to begin with. Guys night and girls nights out end. That doesn’t mean you can’t hang with your friends, it just means you’ve supposedly found the right person so your priorities must change. If they don’t your relationship is DOOMED. But you know that already, cause your not really committed to begin with if you are hanging with other men.

Why are you tormenting him if you love him?

As for getting into your pants. If you are attractive, interesting and funny. The answer is YES. Especially if they are single. If they are not, where the hell is their girlfriend or wife? (Insert Divorce Court Here). I can’t believe a lot of people don’t understand this concept yet. No guy or girl wants to hear what Ben or Suzie have to say about ANYTHING.

The only exceptions to the above paragraph are the following: if the guy has already been in your pants, if he is gay, or if he is better looking than you. As for the last option, the only reason he would be hanging with you was, if he is gay.

As I said get some help. I hope I provided you with a smidgen of comedy and some useful advice. Personally I don’t like to be this serious. Life is meant to be lived to the fullest.

CAB grab the world by its ____ and go out and have a blast. Let your friend go. Worry about only yourself for a while and who knows in time (a year or two), when you find yourself laughing, smiling and living, you may no longer remember why you thought you needed him in the first place. And get your CAPITALS fixed.

As for me - I need to go grab onto something.

Remember You Asked.…

-the seed

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