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Thursday, June 02, 2005

Question 8 Can a broken heart kill?

Dear Seed.

It seems that all I do is upset people.

Seed - I’m in a state of despair. I am consumed with grief and do not know where to turn. I have talked to several people over and over about the loss of my love and the damage that it has caused to my being. People no longer seem to want to listen, they don’t want to understand.

I have read portions of your book Seed’s Sketchy Relationship Theories. I agree a lot on your words, and perhaps I might be able to finish reading your book someday. What you said though in one paragraph, it so sums up my mess: "Love is not something that is to be taken lightly. When you tell someone you love them – that is, barring horrific events – it should be a permanent thing, something that will exist for a lifetime ... It should be something that if you say it, you mean it, and those to whom you express it should cherish this love. Period. No conditions. No insecurities. Sure, things might not work out with someone you love, but even when they don’t, the love needs to be permanent and if it is not or you don’t think that it can be then don’t say it. If you do, you are just lying. And the damage you are causing to another individual is sometimes insurmountable." This is the damage I've suffered - and I agree, I don't think I can surmount it, it's affected me too deeply. All because a woman was lying through her teeth. It's fucked up my mind, body and soul. And no amount of drugs are going to help me get past this shit. I wish I had never met her - I've lost everything because of how she treated me. This has hurt me so badly.
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I am to the point where I find myself constantly apologizing for my despair. I'm sorry for upsetting so many people with my words. It was never my intention. I have found it hard to continue on in life, when someone abandons you, but they are still continuing on like nothing ever happened, probably fucking every man in their town, whatever they told you was a lie, just so they could have sex with you to satisfy their insatiability. There is no closure - how can someone get over such an experience? I don't have the strength, I don't. I will never have children, because only the assholes who treat their children like shit are the ones that are lucky enough to get them in this sick world.

Well.... I'm pretty certain I'm going to be gone within the next few months. People are sick of my rantings, but I promise you that I will not speak anymore about my situation. If I do, you can come round and finish me off yourself. Seed is there anything I can do to alleviate my despair?

Desperate for Answers

Devo 3

Dear Devo 3

Wow. First off Devolution I suggest strongly that you see a trained professional. Your question has thrown us for a loop here at the offices of Ask Seed. If you are expecting a bit of an off tangent rant in attempts to provide the readers with a sampling of the comedic talents of Seed Enterprises I am afraid you will be disappointed. We treat every question with a degree of respect and only will flaunt humor when we deem it to be appropriate. It clearly is not here. Devo, I can’t stress this enough get yourself some physcological counseling there is no shame in that. We all go through trauma from time to time. Having said that - The Seed Enterprise Collective will not shy away from any question so here is our response.

We have all been through trauma and heartbreak. Whether it be illness, death or loss of love or a combination of all of these. Hell, I know for sure I have been there. I have felt my life was worthless and there was no point carrying on. Fortunately for me I snapped out of it. I realized it was a load of crap. I am not judging here, I am just making some simple observations. Below is a statement from Devo.

"I meant to say that it's hard to continue on in life, when someone abandons you, but they are still continuing on like nothing ever happened, probably fucking every man in their town, whatever they told you was a lie, just so they could have sex with you to satisfy their insatiability."

Devo, you said it right there very clearly. She doesn't want you. The simple fact that she lied to you, if true, means that she never likely ever did. I know you crave love. And I know you took my earlier words and expressed how much this hurt you. This does prove the power of the words, but what you are missing is this. It is pointless crying over and over and over again about someone who doesn't want you. Those are harsh words. I do not diminish your loss. I am even sure you are a pretty special person. The fact is you do need some help. People will listen to a point and then get tired of hearing the same thing. Some more than others. Some people will think they have the magic words to heal you. Maybe they do. But it is a long shot. In one week I have realized that this is consuming your life. You say she is f--ing others. That is no longer your problem. She does not belong to you.

If you thought she was your "true love" your actions now are only destroying any chance of it ever returning. You must remove yourself from the situation and regardless of how painful it is try to be happy. You can start the next time someone says Hello to you and asks how you are. Instead of dumping your heartbreak on them say you are "Great". Nothing more. If you need to still talk about it find one or two people who will listen to you. That is it. Just listen. Eventually you will get bored of telling the same story over and over and over again from different angles. If you do not have friends who will listen. Go to a professional. In your case you need to likely do that anyways. Focusing on your grief only perpetuates your grief. You can go on about this forever after all there are 6 billion people on this planet and when one tires of your situation, you will always be able to find another.

You claim it was love. This is going to sound very harsh. It couldn't have been. As I said, the use of the word love can destroy. What you are missing is - "If you allow it to."

Losing love is traumatic. Of great significance and I don't suggest just getting over it. But you need to come to terms with it.

You said, "Well.... I'm pretty certain I'm going to be gone within the next few months. People are sick of my rantings, but I promise you that I will not write anymore about my situation. If I do - you can come round and finish me off yourselves."

That is simply just offensive. How are people supposed to respond to that. You in one line insult everyone you are asking to help you. Guilt will not work here. When you say things like that you are not going to get a response that you enjoy.

As said above, your girl lied to you and she is likely sleeping around. Well, she is not sleeping around because she is not with you and has every right to do whatever she wants.

I am going to leave you with another bit from my book. Remember this is my perspective, you may agree, you may not. It is meant only to make you think. Take it for that.

[....]“Life’s Troubles Don’t Build Character They Reveal It” is another important theory. There is a lot of what I feel is misinformation out there about how one develops character. I believe that the way you are brought up, the values, morals and standards that are instilled in you by your family, relatives and your early social groups help greatly in the shaping of who you eventually become. But our true character, whether we are a follower or a leader a fighter or a quitter, are all revealed by how we react when life altering events take place such as the loss of a loved one by death or separation, the loss of parents, the loss of a job, health problems such as operations and so on. These are all very traumatic events that everyone and I mean everyone has to go through at some point of time in their lives and until these events begin to occur we will never really know the true individual that lies beneath.

Another point which falls under the category “misinformation” or just plain bullshit can be summed up in a simple phrase: “Get over it.” With this simple, short phrase people possessing absolutely no compassion and often with no comparable life experience attempt to put you down and minimize your trauma. “What, your true love just left you for Dr. Ken. Get over it – it’s just a break-up.” Another potential gem: “So, your family was killed in a car accident? Get over it. Be positive, things can only get better.”

If only life would be that simple. If it were, we could create a table or a list of appropriate periods of time required to “get over” traumatic events, for example: job-loss – 7 and half days; break-up with true love – 15 days; death of a loved one: 32 days, etc.

As we are human beings and not robots, traumatic events have an effect on us. Whether this effect is earth shattering, long lasting or of shorter duration depends of course on the event itself. This effect also depends on the character of the individual who has experienced it. If you cut your finger, and even though it really hurt, you probably won’t require sixteen sessions of therapy and a home nurse in order to help you deal with the trauma (unless you are, as mentioned earlier, a gigantic pussy).

The point is simple: grave situations or life-altering events have a severe impact on people. Life-altering events, as the adjective suggests, ALTER your life. Therefore, they shape and change you, how you feel about or view certain things and perhaps even how you think and act. You CAN’T get over these events as they become an irreversible part of your life. They don’t go away or undo themselves; they stay with you for the rest of your life. You can’t get over or digest the death of a loved one, but you can eventually come to terms with it.

A lot of people believe the crap from Nietzsche: “What doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger”. Well I am here to tell you, that is not the way it is [....]

[....]Back to the cliché’, that cliché may be true in some cases but most of these life-changing events usually just break individuals down and if you are not a person of great character it causes people to eventually quit and become bitter individuals. Maybe even regulars in bars wasting away their days complaining about what could have been. If you don’t believe me go to any bar or local hang out and you will be able to find hundreds even thousands of people whose life’s challenges got the best of them and they have given up on anything new and exciting ever fucking happening to them again. Sure they all have a sad story to tell and what I am going to say next is not really going to be that popular, all of these stories for the most part are “Fucking Boring.” Most of these people, when life gave them challenges revealed that they were weak of character, were not well rounded and had decided to give up. Cowards in a way. They have taken the easy way out and are now just killing time until they die.

I am not trying to diminish the significance of your life, by saying your stories are boring, they are not to those that love you. What I am trying to illustrate is that we all have had challenges to work through and unless they are unique these challenges are nothing new. It is just the way life is, you live, you die, you change along the way. I just want the change to be positive, don’t quit. Look for the positive in everything and though it may be tough to find it, it is there, even in trauma.[.....]

Excerpts from Seed's Sketchy Relationship Theories in a Chapter about revealing Character.

Devo - as I said this is my perspective from my own life experiences. I will not diminish yours. Let us just say mine could have easily destroyed me. I even once thought about taking my own life a long, long, long time ago. Funny though in a lucid moment during the process I broke out in laughter. In that one moment I realized what a waste of a great life that would be. People do love you and people do care about you. You may not see it right now because of your despair. I know I didn't. Especially when it is only one persons love you crave. Well I am sorry my friend that love may have been there, but it is likely gone forever. It is for sure gone forever if you wallow in pity.

If you need to talk, talk. If you want to take the cowards way out. Well the only people you are punishing are the people you love and those who have extended you an olive branch. Your ex likely wouldn't care, if your description of her is correct. It may even boost her ego. Your best revenge is to be happy and live a full life. The challenges are part of the journey. You need to find a way to come to terms with this. You need to like yourself.

That is the last time I will write about this. Like I said take it for what it is worth. Now is your time to improve yourself so you will be more appealing to your next love of your life. You need to come to some sort of some livable terms with this and find the positive in what has happened. It is there you just don't want to accept it. Frankly, why would you want to expend one ounce of energy on someone who "lied thru her teeth."

You are better off without her. Now work on yourself.

I am tired now. I need to lighten up a bit now. I think I need to go enroll in clown college.

In closing I came up with a saying which is basically my mantra for life it is:

Live - Love - Trust - Grow - Prosper - Cherish - With Passion Please!

Remember You Asked.…

-the seed

P.S. Don't apologize to me. I don't want to hear it. Apologizing to people does not give you the right to continue to wallow. Just get some help and take care of yourself. I am sure you are a fantastic person.

One last thing.

For those of you who enjoyed the excerpts I of course encourage you to check out our website at http://www.seedenterprises.com/ I also encourage you to pick up a copy of the book. You can follow the links on the site to find where to purchase it.

The book is not always as serious as the excerpts I have included. It is loaded with twisted humor. And it is full of passion and it is even a tad controversial from time to time. My co-author and I are very committed to making some positive change or at least encouraging discussion.

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