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Friday, March 17, 2006

Question 18 The Infinite Saga of Mr. X - Part 2

Additional Details

Hey Express Seed,

You rock - thank you for the insightful and quick answer!

A good friend of mine once told me that "no unsolicited advice" is one of the most important maxims regarding conversations with friends and acquaintances.

I totally agree with your conclusions (especially at the end that it is "out of his hands").

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He went to India fearing the worst. Arrived. His wife denied any cheating whatsoever. Wife later breaks down, admits spending tons of time with Dr. India and "only kissing" him. Has "fallen in love" with him. Mr. X says "fuck". What can he do? He is presented with the cold, hard facts.

He loves her, she say she loves him (Mr. X), but as he (I think rightly) points out, after eight years now together, "comfort" can sometimes be mistaken for "love". They spent the first few days together. Doc India sent her "15 text messages" on her cell every day. Regardless of where Mr. and Mrs. X were, she was "somewhere else". That was enough for Mr. X. He made it clear that this could not go on....

Character points for Mr. X: He says he loves her, he wants to share his "life journey" with her BUT only if she honestly loves him, as in the case of love it must go both ways. He doesn't want to spend his life with a woman, whom he loves, yet who pines after other men and isn't happy.

He did not get angry, did not yell or swear. Mr. X said: "You must decide."
She said: "I can't decide now."
They had planned a vacation to Goa (great beaches) for rest and relaxation together.

She said: "Go alone."

He said: "Fine."

He went to Goa on his own, got the flu and was torn by anguish. She stayed in Delhi, hung with Dr. India and fucked him.

Mr. X came back. Found out she had sex with the other guy and said: "Fuck." Once again, what can he do? Moved into a different hotel.

His wife didn't call and he had time just to sit and think. When the day came, where they were supposed to fly back together, she still didn't call. She couldn't be reached.

He went to the airport. He looked everywhere. Of course she wasn't there. He then called her on her cell. No, she wouldn't be flying back today. She is staying for a few days. She does not know if she "loves" Dr. India, she has "fallen" for him. He is an assistant at Harvard, will become Professor there in 30 years. Blah blah blah. He has "more drive" than Mr. X.

A bit of the inadequacy trip again.....

Mr. X says he will not wait in India for her and will not be "second fiddle". He says "later" and flies home.

She follows three days later. One call - she still doesn't know where she stands. If he (Mr. X) expects her to "fight for him" and their relationship, well she can't right now and does not want to. He replies it must be reciprocal.

She is going away for "2 weeks" to clear her head.

Mr. X says, even if they do get back together, this episode will always there. At least in the back of his mind.

He truly loves her. "Love must be reciprocal," he repeats.

It is indeed no longer in his hands.

Thanks Again,

A Friend in Need

P.S. He has remained very strong throughout this episode, for which he accredits his belief in God. He is not a religious nut, just someone with his beliefs. Religious or not, he has behaved remarkably well. Of course, you are right when you say he will not want to hear some things.

He is definitely scarred by the events - who wouldn't be? This is noticeable in his mantra-like sayings: "Every second marriage ends in divorce, every second couple cheats on one another. If we didn't cheat on each other and never ever thought of doing so, then we would have never lived honestly."

Fine. I would like to think that if I marry, cheating isn't normal. But maybe, sadly, he is right.
-
In any case, a fucked-up situation.

You’re Welcome Friend in Need

The flock of Seeds here at Seed Headquarters genuinely appreciate every question and rebuttal we receive. Without them, we would be spewing out opinions to a host of imaginary people created in less than lucid intervals.
-
Therefore, we can’t thank you enough for having faith in us and giving us a opportunity to step into your lives and to offer some perspective taken from our lives.

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Why do we do this?

Because:
  1. We care.
  2. We want to make you laugh.
  3. We want to make you think.
  4. We want to make a difference.
  5. We want to change perspective.
  6. We want to hone our comedic and writing skills.
  7. We want a pony.
  8. Thinking helps to slow down Alzheimer's.
  9. We would like to make a reasonable living for ourselves.
  10. We care.

There you have it - it really is that straightforward.

“FIN”, as I said I really do feel for your friend. What a ghastly position to be in. Mr. X’s loving wife traveled down a marital road that can only lead to one place: Marital Purgatory. Actually, maybe two places, the other: A Marital Holding ground somewhere between purgatory and endless counseling sessions.

I imagine it going something like this (Seed's hands placed on his chin with an inquisitive look in his eyes, looking up to the heavens):

Counselor Money Bags: “Mrs. X: why did you feel the need to stray?”

Mrs. X (fake tears due to being caught): “I don’t know.”

Counselor Money Bags: “It is ok - you can open up, no judgment here.”

Mrs. X (now weeping): I was weak. I felt trapped. The excitement was missing from our marriage (assuming no responsibility for the waning excitement). Dr. India is so interesting and charismatic. I really love Mr. X but I don’t know anymore what I want. I feel trapped. I’m an Attention Wh... Life is so complicated right now. I had a flat tire. There was a flood. I’m a bitch. A plane crash. I was carjacked. I tripped. Dr. India tripped and fell on top of me. It wasn’t my fault."

Mr. X: Silence.

Mrs. X (intensifying the performance): I really love you. I don’t want to lose you. (tears flowing freely - I’m sensing an Oscar). I just don’t know anymore Snookums. I really don’t want to hurt you. I’m a bad person. Forgive me. I really love you. This is all my fault.

Counselor Money Bags: “I feel we made tremendous progress. I think additional counseling will really help you guys get in touch with your feelings and help you to communicate and let each other know what you need. Don’t you think so?”

Mrs. X (out of a feeling of guilt): “I think so too.”

Counselor Money Bags: “Great then - I think 10 more sessions will do the trick. You can make your blank cheque out to……”

Mr. X (only in his mind): "Get fucking Dr. India to pay for the counseling, cheating bitch...."

Mr. X (reality): (Silently reaches for a pen. )

I feel counseling is a lot like police work. Honorable, but often too late, the crime has already been committed and now it is time to aid the suffering by helping them pick up the broken pieces of their devastated lives.

It is a growth business - a great place to be if you can stomach all of the friggen heartache. Big money lies ahead for this industry thanks to society, divorce, a lack of morals and values and generations of children coming from broken homes.

Meaning: learn for yourself or from the TV, mom and dad are too busy.

Divorced parents = divorced children. At least, most of the time.

And, with a bunch of kids running around from broken homes the whole ball game has entered one continuous loop. If it continues long enough, welcome to a world of: “suppressed emotions - destroyed esteem - and deteriorating moral fibre.”

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Don’t get me wrong, I’m no sexual Saint, I just came to the conclusion early that hurting others because of selfish neediness and the quest for the “money shot” isn’t worth it - that is, putting one's soul at stake.

I know I’m a foolish, hopeless romantic. And a virgin. One day, I hope I trip.

Continuing with the rant: in my opinion counseling is a sport for the individual. It is something to enter into before you commit to any relationship. Or, if you find yourself in a relationship and have the urge to stray, to smoke crack, to swim with sharks, to wear socks with sandals, to masturbate on Japanese tourists, to………

It definitely has its place. It definitely can help us all deal with the issues that have been thrust upon us by parental and societal shortcomings. In fact: I believe that it would be best if all High School and Post Secondary students were required to take counseling sessions every year to meet graduation requirements. I’m serious.

I also feel that everyone who is heading down the marriage path needs to enter into individual sessions before a marriage certificate is issued.

What I’m saying is: Get your house order. Embark on major renovations if you have to. Just don’t fuck someone else up by your neediness.

Is this at all possible? Who’d pay for it? My socks are dirty.

Probably not - dare to dream. I don’t know - dare to dream. Quit wearing sandals with your socks. I don’t understand why you hate socks so much?

Enough of the off-topic, but, strangely topical banter. Back to the meat.

Go-go music really makes us dance
Do the pony puts us in a trance
Do the Watusi just give us a chance
That's when we fall in line

We got the beat
We got the beat
We got the beat
Yeah!
We got the beat

Get out of my head Go Gos.


Depositions and Diagnosis

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Mrs. X

Mrs. X cheated - the reason ultimately doesn’t matter. That makes her a cheater. To make matters worse, for whatever reason, maybe guilt - more likely selfishness, when caught - she chose to lie. That makes her a liar and a cheater. She may “have loved" Mr. X and may actually have a fondness in her heart for him, but the love in all likelihood had turned to comfort quite some time ago.

Her mistake: she entered into marriage with someone whom she no longer “truly” loved. She probably knew she had a great thing, nonetheless, the spark had been slowly flickering out and by agreeing to marriage she not only lied to herself, but, in reality she set up Mr. X for failure and heartache.

Despite her combination of beauty and intelligence it seems that she neglected evolving as a person and when the opportunity arose to up her social standing she thought only of herself. In my estimation regardless of the good times of the past, she destroyed all of it by being a calculating, manipulative, attention seeking and cowardly black widow.

In time the Karma Gods and……..

The dream police, they live inside of my head.
The dream police, they come to me in my bed.
The dream police, they're coming to arrest me, oh no.
You know that talk is cheap, and those rumors ain't nice.
And when I fall asleep I don't think I'll survive the night, the night.

'cause they're waiting for me.
They're looking for me.
Ev'ry single night they're driving me insane.
Those men inside my brain.

…….the dream police will take care of her deception.

Dr. India

Smart, ambitious and driven. In today’s consumer driven world he definitely would be considered a great catch. With Harvard in his future - WOW! How fucking impressive. I’m jealous. Hell, I think I want him. Taking him to an even more lofty pedestal - “more interesting”.
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What a load of complete and utter bullshit. The guy is a predator. He uses his credentials to mask his shortcomings. Those being: he is the lowest of the low, praying on the vulnerable and the easy to impress. For those who by some strange belief, believe that they are entitled to “more interesting”, ambitious and rich men.

A three-month stint in his environment quickly provides him with fresh victims, screw that, Mrs. X is a willing participant and in this case a shallow, cowardly bitch (once again, remember if it was a guy doing the cheating he’d be a "shallow, cowardly bastard").

Like I said, his intellect and credentials are impressive. That means you can add conniving and premeditated to his Curriculum Vitae. This jerk understands the human psyche. It’s part of his education. He knows the words, understands body language and knows exactly what to say to pique interest. He is a slime ball and I would guess he has no intentions of throwing his ego- driven life and career by the wayside for someone he can “fuck” in less than three months - showing no regard for his target's husband.

What’s he got to lose? After all, his quests are nothing more than notches in his headboard and he understands even if he runs into one with character and morals, another one is waiting just around the bedpost.

By the way, “more interesting” really only requires the ability to listen and the occasional big word.

“Slime balls” - there are tons of men and women on this planet who are too scared to face the world alone so they enter into relationships and marriages hoping to be saved - only to find mediocrity. Then, instead of facing reality, they decide that they aren’t getting the attention that they think they deserve, so they stray and then try to convince anyone who’ll listen that: “they weren’t getting what they deserve from their relationship.”

What they truly deserve is: a big swift kick in the junk.

The problem is they probably don't have any. So, I guess we’ll have to kick them in the barren patch where their junk would be.

Mr. X

Smart, ambitious and driven. In today’s consumer driven world he definitely would be considered a great catch.

To top it off, he has remained true to his love, maybe somewhat blind and maybe a little too romantic. He may also be guilty of settling for comfort. There is no question of his love, however, he put blinders on and only regarded her enthralling beauty.

Luckily, he’ll survive. He’ll end up coming out of this stronger, wiser and unfortunately a bit jaded.

He’s likely to screw up significantly for a while. He’s likely to profess his love. He’s likely going to give her another chance. Eight years is a lot to wash down the drain. He’ll likely blame himself for not being attentive enough to her needs. When Dr. India reveals his true colors Mrs. X may come running back to him and if he is weak he’ll let her in.

She’ll beg, cry, profess her love, say she is so, so sorry and will never stray again. She’ll be convincing.

Mr. X is too smart to buy her performance. At least I hope he is.
-
I wasn’t when faced with a similar situation.

“I love you.” “I’ll never do it again.” “I’m so sorry.” “I…….” This was music to my ears.

My ex meanwhile had her fingers crossed and was thinking: “Buy it, buy it, buy it, buy it ……. Whew! all this acting has left me tired, I had better lie down. Who are you? Why are you on top of me? You’re not my boyfriend. Ohhh well. Next!”

I bought it and was cheated on again and again.

And, in the end: we still broke up.

The Jury’s Out - The Treatment.

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This question brought sadness to my heart.

What has happened to our world?

Hell, cheating is not supposed to be accepted. Really it isn’t. Divorce is not supposed to be part of the equation. We’re not supposed to enter into marriage's supposedly sacred institution lightly.

Unfortunately we do. Soaring divorce rates, broken families and troubled, needy kids have become the norm not the exception. There is even talk of “Starter Marriages” in North America. Didn’t that used to be called dating?

Don’t fucking accept it people!

Date, yes. As many people as you need to figure it out. If you find the spark to be waning don’t be a selfish coward, it is ok to walk away. Don’t cheat. Don’t lie. Don’t fuck up the people you “supposedly” love. They don’t deserve it.

And, most important, don’t leave a bunch of kids to try to figure out your selfish mess.

Mr. X is incredibly smart, but unfortunately he seems to be naive and perhaps inexperienced in matters of love - it scares me that he thinks that cheating and divorce may be ok.

I’ll stick to my guns: the only reason ever to walk down the aisle is if you “truly” love someone.

In my estimation: approximately 25% of today’s marriages.

How do you know if it's true love?

That’s for you to decide.

Maybe the penalty for divorce should be sterilization. Just kidding. Or am I?

All I know is if that was the case, getting married would take on a whole different meaning.

All I know is we are getting it wrong way too often and we need to find a way to change course.

The Verdicts

Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!

The people involved are supposedly some of our intellectually blessed - the higher echelons of society.

Doctors - smart. Lawyers - smart. Boxers - not so smart. Briefs - comfortable.

Mrs. X is the worst offender in this case. She cowardly entered into marriage out of comfort and convenience. She forgot to take off the “Open for business” sign. She showed zero regard for the feelings of the one she supposedly “loves.” And, she tormented him with her aggressive praises for Dr. India in an attempt to elevate her ridiculous sense of entitlement.

Her sentence. She won’t get it until her looks fail her. Just like she’s turned into a devious user - she’s being used at the same time. She is a prisoner of materialism, status and the opinions of others. Her shallowness will leave her empty and one day hopefully she’ll understand that her actions have tremendous impact on others. She won’t and that’s too bad. What a waste: beauty and intellect what an incredible combination. Too bad evolution is not part of the equation.

Dr. India. Who fucking cares. Hopefully one day he ends up in an unfulfilling arranged marriage. Actually I take that back - I wouldn’t wish that upon anyone. This dickhead, though he never cheated, knew exactly what he was doing.

His sentence. It doesn’t matter: he doesn’t have balls.

Mr. X. He’s also guilty. Naivety is his misdemeanor. Maybe he wasn’t needy, however, he wasn’t totally honest with himself. Seven years and you didn’t realize the spark was gone. C’mon Mr. X, you’re smarter than that. I think you probably got caught up in the illusion of being the perfect couple and ignored the fact that the relationship may have run its course.

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His sentence. Tears. Learning and picking up the pieces. You may take her back. Don’t. Maybe after time has passed. How much time. Maybe a year. Maybe two. Just not right away. If you make that mistake, realize nothing will change and you can visit this heartache again down the road. I know I did. And you know what: It really fucking sucks.

The upside. You’ll grow. She will not. You don’t have kids. You don’t have kids. You don’t have kids.

Summing it all up. Please world, don’t accept cheating and divorce. Date, have sex, break up, make-up, juggle, swim and dream. Just don’t inflict unwarranted pain on those you love. People do make mistakes and sure "true love" is not always as it seems. If you find your relationship spiraling down the drain. Stop take a deep breath, hug each other, hold each other, cry, yell and most important, soul search and allow some time to pass before you enter into a new relationship. Unless of course you want the exact same relationship again with someone new.

If you don’t look inward first: shame on you.

I’m just about done. Thanks for reading I hope you’ve found something good in our answer. I’m just really pissed at the way we treat each other and think some change is in order. Keeping marginal relationships together has become a phenomena fueled by daytime talk shows. It is big - big business. Even when infidelity is involved, counselors and talk show gurus flex their intellects and instruct people to communicate. Telling their “ratings” guinea pigs that mistakes are made and that you can work through anything.

I say fuck that. You can’t work through anything and by doing so we keep trying to force pieces together that have either run their course or have no business being together in the first place. The continuation of this process manifests itself in a bunch of marginal passionless relationships that serve a purpose of going through the motions and becoming members of the worlds consumption sheep. Welcome to Needyville.

As for Mr. & Mrs. X. people do change, however, not if they don’t have to.

Mr. X if you do make the mistake and take her back: make sure you wear a condom - hell - wear two.

As for me: I wonder if I can get the Dream Police to do the Watusi?

Remember you asked

express seed

To read The Infinite Saga of Mr. X - Part 1 simply explore our blog.

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(to be continued)

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