Question 3 Can our love survive?

Hi Seed,

I was just checking out your website and saw the link to Ask Seed. I am undecided about an important situation in my life and am curious to hear what you have to say about it.

I have been with my girlfriend for 2 and a half years now and things were always great. I really had the feeling that she was the one and that we were going to get married and actually remain happy forever. For about 6 months now, we seem to have lost touch with one another. We both have stress at work, which wasn't a problem before, but now when we discuss our issues, it kind of degenerates into a competition. For example: "Hi, honey, I am glad to be home, I had a tough day at the office." Reply: "Well, I also had a stressful day." She is a great person and I truly do love her but this is not the way it's supposed to be.

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What's worse, I always looked forward to coming home from work. Now I am not sure if I do. I have not yet become indifferent, it's just not the same.

We have discussed the negative developments in our relationship and decided that she should try and work on our relationship, but we have already said that a couple of times and I am not sure if this will really solve the problem.

Is it done or is there maybe a chance that we will survive as a couple? Do you have any suggestions?

Thanks.
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:

First off Anonymous I must say you have led a very f--king troubled life, as this is only my 3rd question thus far and two have been from you. I don’t make a point of reading other columnists, however they seem to also get a lot of their questions from you as well. Maybe you are part of a troubled cult. Perhaps there are a lot of people in the world with the name Anonymous. I checked my local phone book and there was not a single Anonymous in it. Maybe it is a regional thing. Is it a Greek name? Maybe it is a first name. Whatever it is I don’t think there is enough counseling on the planet to fix the amount of despair you have met in your lifetime. Thank you though for keeping me in business. When you think of it if you play around with the order of the letters in your name it is precariously close to "Annoy Mouse". Hmm - is that an indication of your character? The jury is out.

As for your dilemma. First off what does f--king "curious" mean? Does it mean you are actually going to read what I have to say or does it mean you are just going to glance at it? People need to stop being so damn curious. If you have ever watched a horror movie, what does curious end up as? That is right: DEAD. I think in real life curious may not have such a tragic result - the result may end up more or less like: BORING.

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Just think about it. People who are curious sound like they are ball-less. “Hmm. I am curious what fish would taste like” or “I am curious what losing my virginity might be like” and even “I am curious what a d--k in my ass will feel like - I have tried a candle and a broom handle, hmmm.”

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Curious is just for the lame. You only get one shot at this life so if you are curious - just stop it and start living. Take a deep breath and do it. (Sticking a candle or broom in your ass does not constitute losing your virginity, except in some of the backward-thinking cities and towns of the World, especially in various Southern States of the US).

Ok, now that you are no longer curious and you are actually interested in what I have to say, grab a comfy chair and a gin or two and sit back and relax. First off it sounds like this girl or broomstick is very important to you, after all you have put 2 plus years into this relationship. Unfortunately it now sounds like it may be splintering apart and the splinters are sticking in places that cause the most pain. Ouch. Well Anonymous, I honestly feel for you and your pain. It is a very unpleasant place to find yourself in. I suggest if your feelings are strong don’t do anything rash. Look at yourself first. Maybe there are some things about yourself that you need to change. You may have some life issues such as work, school, health or financial and you just are not in a position to give to your relationship what you need to at this time. Unfortunately for a lot of people on this planet - both male and female - we are all looking for someone to save us from the world and our sometimes marginal family upbringing. Our insecurities lead us to get into serious relationships (serious means done), often a result of poor timing. We tend to be weak and before we have our own life sorted out, we bring someone else into the mess hoping their support and stability will give us something we never had growing up. Unless they are insecurity or dysfunction free the relationship will eventually break down. The relationship has no ROCK. I f--king know this from my own personal experience. Maybe your girlfriend is going through the same sort of issues as you.

So what do you do? I can’t answer that for you. I can say from experience that when my relationships went south, sometimes I would forget all the negative issues that were in the past, the stuff I just sort of glazed over (cheating, lying etc.) and tried to remember only the good, which some of the time were only positive feelings that I created for myself to protect my own heart. I am also a firm believer that the magic has to always be there, even in the trying times. The spark, the energy, the passion. If it is not, you or your girl may be with the wrong person and just putting in time because it is comfortable, ultimately that becomes an excuse to stop living and brings you one step closer to making stops at the bar of regrets on the way home. Just imagine... If your girl is on the same program perhaps you can stay together and take up stools at the opposite end of the bar on the same nights.

As for stress at work. We all have stress at work, everyone works with assholes. The stress you are facing at work can’t be the first thing on the agenda when you get home. If it is, it might just be a sign of deeper issues. If you want to save your relationship I suggest trying to spark it by changing routine. If you are met with resistance don’t get confrontational. Just take it as a sign and the decision will become clearer. Life is meant to be lived.

Six months is a long time to have lost touch with someone whom you live with. I have had roommates that I dreaded coming home to, but never a love interest. If you are saying six months, I am going to venture to guess it has been longer than that. As for working on it. What does that mean? To me it sounds like part of the competition - each of you are waiting for the other person to change and become more caring, compassionate or sexual or if you prefer taller, smarter, funnier just to name a few.

The last thing you mentioned is you discussed the negative developments in your relationship. From whose perspective? F--k the negative. If you have a desire to save this relationship, discuss the positive. I know that may be hard to grasp, “there must be problems”. I am asking you to take a leap of faith here. If you discuss the positives, life will be much sweeter. If your sweetie doesn’t want to participate and only wants to focus on the negatives, your decision will become crystal clear. Remember, you as well as your girl will change when it is time and if either of you can’t or do not want to handle the negative aspects you bring to the table, then unfortunately this version of the relationship is doomed. Either that or get married and file for divorce later.

Like I said I cannot tell you what to do. My advice may even be wrong for your situation if you and your relationship are the "exceptions" to the rule. The bottom line is, you owe it to yourself and to anyone you love to encourage them to be the happiest that they can be and to live the best possible life. Here is a small excerpt from

Seed’s Sketchy Relationship Theories
A Guide to the Perils of Dating
(How Not To Become A Bar Regular)

5. Don’t project your “will” upon your love.

You can't change them and if you could, do you really want to be with someone who is spineless? When you started dating, you knew what you were getting. When it is time for your love to change, he or she will. You can nurture, support and encourage, that is all. If you want to marry a doctor and Johnny is not cut out for that, you are with the wrong guy, honey. Let Johnny live his own life.

6. Find someone that sends chills up and down your spine.

Someone who you look forward to coming home to. Someone with whom you want to share your life. Someone who you feel content being around and just generally having as part of your life.

Find someone with whom, no matter what obstacles you might face, you know it will be worth the journey to make it through these challenges together. You are stronger as a team.

I hope that has helped some. I wish you the best and I know if you stop being curious you will make the right decision for the right reasons. Stay positive - life is too short to focus on the negatives.

While your at it take the broom out of your ass it must be hurting by now.

In closing my friends, Anonymous is in a very tough situation. He honestly seems to love someone and likely does want what is best for the relationship. He even seems to have soul searched and the simple fact he has asked the question shows he cares. Having said that, sometimes we need to go out into the unknown and find out who we really are. If you find yourself in this situation please look at yourself first. Maybe the answer is simple, maybe it is not. If you have exhausted all avenues make a decision. It is easy to keep asking the same question from different angles, hoping for a different response. Use my suggestions only as suggestions. You ultimately will know if it is worth the effort. If it is, promise to focus on the positive.

Remember You Asked.…
-the seed.

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