Question 21 What’s the 411?

Part 1

Dear Seed

how can i find a lost friend, i met him on the net, he is from south carolina.

Lost & Looking

Part 2

Dear Seed

i got a question can ya help me find somebody?

Lost & Looking

Dear Lost & Looking

That is one pickle you’ve gotten yourself into. I’d also like to add - what a fantastic question.

Before I offer you up some sagacious advice from the minds of the Seed’s I’d like to introduce a new feature.

Signs of the times

Volume 1 Sign 1

Pretty catchy title don’t you think?

I often embark on daunting treks around my city and the surrounding areas in search of the answers.

“Three.”

I’ve just been informed the answer is three and I know longer need to search. If only I knew what the question was it would all make sense. Hey, wait a minute, I said the answers, implying many questions, therefore, unless the answer to each and every one of the questions is three ---- well, just quit yanking my chain.

I need to keep walking, I’m sure there is more to digest before I kick it. I do have a slight dose of a “save the world” complex. I figure Mr. Iran and Mr. Bush aren’t going to do it for us. When I come to think of it, I’d like to ask the big guy upstairs a question:

“Hey big guy, I’ve been led to believe, basically I’ve been told that you have a grand scheme of how this whole earth and the ‘after life’ thing is going to play out. I guess I’m cool with that. What I’m having trouble absorbing is how does Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and G.W.B play into this whole ‘master plan.’ You and your crew are just funning us a bit right?”

“It’s ok if you pull the plug on your social sciences project, we get it, we need to change a few things and maybe get back to being a little less selfish and a little bit nicer. We’ll try. And if we promise to try can you pull the plug on these yahoos and put some more reasonable people in charge.”

Back to the “Signs of the times.” Here is: Volume 1 Sign 1. Enjoy!

For some strange reason every time I pass this sign I almost pee myself. I find it hilarious. Are there some assumed options to the pricing scale? Disturbing when you think about it. And, damn it, why do seniors get a special deal on porn? Once again the thought of seniors spewing their detritus from arousal on the chairs in front of them. Ewe gross.

I think seniors should actually have to pay more in this instance. Just think about what the excitement may do to them. “Clear.”

“Hey is that Paul Reubins in row 3?”

End of this installment of Signs of the times

“Lost & Looking,” your question is so complex that we’ve brought in some big hitters to help us decipher the cryptic code within. We figured that international rap sensation out of St. Louis, Nelly, may be able to shed some insight.

I like Nelly. I’ve sung along to many a Nelly song, not really paying much attention to what he was feeding me. Each time momentarily I’d flick a switch and disregard his deep yet simplistic message.

After all it’s Nelly, he’d never lead us astray. He’s got a gazillion pairs of sneakers. We all need a gazillion "of," not only sneakers, but of anything. He’s got a posse, how fucking cool is that? And, get this, the mayor of St. Louis gave him “the key” to the city for his outstanding humanitarian efforts.

I love his lyrics. I practiced and practiced. “Cindy talks Nelly listens. Nelly talks Cindy listens. I want to……..”

I was even getting pretty good. Every second word I’d insert what I thought I was hearing. My desire to be just like Nelly and help spread the word was growing infectiously. The rap word that is, not just Nelly’s, I decided to look up the real lyrics. Wow fantastic!

Take it away Nelly.

Hey yo, now that I'm a fly guy, and I fly high

Niggaz wanna know why, why I fly by

But yo it's all good, Range Rover all wood

Do me like you should - fuck me good, suck me good

We be no stud niggaz, wishin you was niggaz

Poppin like we drug dealers, sippin Crissy, bubb' mackin

Honey in the club, me in the Benz

Icy grip, tellin me to leave wit you and your friends

So if shorty wanna... knock, we knockin to this

And if shorty wanna... rock, we rockin to this

And if shorty wanna... pop, we poppin the Crist'

Shorty wanna see the ice, then I ice the wrist

City talk, Nelly listen; Nelly talk, city listen

When I fuck fly bitches; when I walk pay attention

See the ice and the glist'; niggaz starin or they diss

Honies lookin all they wish - come on boo, gimme kiss

-nelly (ride wit me)

Funny, he wasn’t just talking to Cindy. Do I feel like an idiot. Nelly has his pulse on what the whole city wants. Mayor St. Louie, did you realize Nelly fucks “fly bitches?”

You should’ve, he asked you to pay attention. I’m so confused - what are you supposed to be paying attention to: his walking?

Is it ok to call people “fly bitches?”

I’ve spent quite a bit of time with some Air Canada flight attendants, maybe I’ll ask them.

After some more painstaking analysis I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not supposed to get Nelly. I don’t think I’m even supposed to get rap. I think the only ones who can truly understand it are ass-less suburban kids who want to become gangsta niggaz. Whatever the hell that is.

Man it’s “hot in hear,” I hope some “fly bitches” drop by and we can take off all our clothes. That’d be fun. Problem is honey’s in the club and I’m in my Benz. Rappers what the fuck are you trying to tell us? Don’t bother answering, just skip to the bank and cash your huge bad assed mother jamming cheques, there’s a sale at the Foot Locker. One gazillion and one……….

Before you check out Nelly (rappers in general). Your plan worked. You’re bad asses and you’ve got rich off “dumb.” Now could you do us a favor and change the message?

That’s what I thought. Too bad.

Sorry “Lost & Looking,” Nelly didn’t offer up any help. I guess I’ll tackle your question solo.

First, it’s someone.

Ok now that we’ve got that minor correction out of the way, I must say that I’m glad you asked the question in two different ways as the question was so complex it really did need that second line to clarify.

Ah the internet. What a wonderful gateway to the world. I think someday it may be big.

Much as you clarified your question, I’m going to do the same with my reply. I’m also going to practice being succinct and to the point.

You’re crazy.

That was fun. Let’s break down the question a little tiny bit.

“You met him on the net.”

For all of you cyber junkies out there please take light of this: you haven’t met anyone. Online is a fantasy world where people can portray themselves anyway they like. They can lie. Just in case you didn’t listen to that. THEY CAN LIE. About everything. And, so can you.

You must understand that it is not real and I’m guessing a large portion of the time the “meeting” is never meant to be as it will reveal both parties deceptions. You must understand that by now.

Your “lost friend” could be responsible for the street art above.

“Lost & Looking,” basically all of you out in cyber land for that matter, the people you meet online aren’t really friends, they can’t be, you may think that they are and you can get wrapped up in the security of the keyboard. It can become exciting and intoxicating. It represents societies laziness and a easy way to meet people from the safety of your own home.

Online most people stretch reality. We become smarter, taller and funnier. Dicks grow, chests firm and stomachs flatten. When the truth be told and we meet, most of us become shorter, dumber, duller and our endowments shrivel. Fit becomes fat. That’s just the way it is.

“When a man tells a story, sometimes he tells it straight thru. Won’t be very complicated, but it won’t be very interesting either.”

The internet allows us all to become “Big Fish.”

Sure, there are pluses. And sure, maybe you’ll find love and your soul mate through your web searches. Just don’t let the charms of cyber land consume you at the expense of your “real” flesh and blood friends. They’re the ones that truly matter. If out of desperation or neediness or whatever else lame excuse you find yourself retreating to the screen instead of interacting in the old more personal face to face way, I suggest: You’ve got a problem brewing on your hands and that problem will eventually lead to solitude.

A Seed PSA

If you happen to get swept away in a whirlwind online romance and decide that it is time to finally meet. Always meet in a social setting. A restaurant. A crowded coffee shop. Make sure that you meet somewhere that you’re familiar with and just like hikers are supposed to report their plans and time of return, make sure a “real” friend knows your schedule and that you will be calling them later to dish the goods on your date.

Avoid meeting in a bar or anywhere that you are not familiar with.

My words may ring out like an overprotective parent, all I’m suggesting is be smart and use some common sense. Remember there are a lot of “pretenders” out there that want to “fuck fly bitches” and cyber land makes it easy for them to do their shopping.

End Seed PSA

“Lost & Looking,” to answer your question: NO.

We can’t and will not help you find someone. We don’t know who the hell you are. The fact that you’ve lost a “close” friend suggests that you may be a bit desperate and frankly, that scares us.

Is your social calendar and social circle so void of inhabitants that one day you were sitting at home and went: “Geez I wonder what Pepe is up to? We were such amazing friends that I don’t even know his last name or anything else for that matter, but I’d love to hook up with him because we’re a match made in…….”

The thing is if you truly were “close” friends I’d guess you’d know you’re friends name an you could simply call 411.

So, my suggestion to you: go outside, play and hang with your flesh friends. You do have real friends now, don’t you?

This question turned out to be about the freedom of expression and speech. How the hell did that happen?

Whether you’re a bird, porn loving self pleasuring senior, a bad assed rapper or some lunatic with a penchant for drawing pictures of bombs, our culture ensures our right to speak our minds.

I’m not sure whether or not the rappers and the bomb drawing lunatics haven’t crossed the lines of decorum and entered some dangerous locales. In fact I think they may be precariously close.

Can’t we all just get along?

“City talks, Seedy listens. Seedy talks………”

One last thought: Just say no to global warming.

.

Come on boo, give me a kiss.

Remember you asked

the seed

P.S. Remember to visit and explore our website http://www.seedenterprises.com/ .