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The following is a rebuttal or follow up to a previous installment of Ask Seed. To read the original Q & A simply click on the link below and scroll down to Question 11. Word of warning: this Q & A borders on novel length. So grab a six pack or a box of wine.
Hi Seed,
Firstly thank you so much for taking time to read over my life story and replying back really quick. It took me forever to write so I know it must of taken you even longer to read then analyze, so thank you it means a great deal. I will be definitely recommend to my friends to check out the site and the book (they’re not as crazy as me though!)
I have read your answer like 3 times over and must say its brilliant!
The humour made it a great read and easy to understand your point of views and how you’re trying to get them across.
Novel hey?
Well I guess you would be happy to hear, that was the short version of it!
I have tried writing to a few internet columns and they always seem to reply back with “Not enough information, how can we asses the situation if you don’t tell us vital things”
So when I saw you ad I thought what they heck I’ll try it! I just wanted to go over a few things that you said:
I totally understand where your coming from, and I have come a long way since this has happened. If this was last year I would have been asking you how to win her back etc but throughout the year I have learnt to deal with certain aspects. I guess what’s happened as you superbly put it I’m split – half of me wants to move on and the other thinks I’m back in town why not rekindle the love.
You asked if I asked others for advice?
I have asked many people, friends and family BUT they usually tell me what I need to hear like she will come back when she realizes and stuff like that, other friends who say “she did that to you? I’m going to make her pay by spreading all these rumours.”
I cant be doing with stuff like that. I needed someone to drop it like its hot so to speak and you did that.
And what I meant by serious was that it started off like a little office romance, my first time and her first time. Over the months when her moving date was edging near our feelings grew very strong and we didn’t want to stop seeing each other plus her university was only 20 minutes away and we had a chance at finally being free. You mentioned insecurities and jealousy well your spot on there. But, I wasn’t always like that, it was stuff she did during our first year that made me really insecure (stuff like flirting with other guys blatantly, telling me not to make it on top when her bro and sister was around although she was all over other guys!)
It even got really, really bad with one incident (I spare you the detail but if you want to know I’ll ‘tell you.. too see if I was right) where I thought fuck it and fuck you its over, but again she pleaded and apologized. So my trust was hurt which caused me to think like this (if she is doing this in front of my face what will she do when I’m not there) the trust takes ages to build but it can very easy to break.
You see Seed where I come from Asian (and by Asian I mean Indian/Pakistani) girls are notoriously known for screwing around with guys heads, its very hard to find a decent girl. With her I thought she was decent…and the more I look at it know and how you pointed it out “she said them things about her family and marriage to keep me around” it seems she wasn’t and that pisses me off more then anything because I hate fake people…by the time I started to realize this I was deeply in love with her. I always had a feeling and I remember even telling her a few times and she would just deny it.
About me feeling aggrieved about her not showing the same love? Again I never used to feel that, for me I just tried to be the best bf I could have been and gave my love from all directions, never asked for anything. I only felt it towards the end, when I did thinking of my own and thought I’m just giving, giving, giving and not receiving much. And finally!! After about 3 months after our break up it was a wreck like I told you but I slapped myself up and enjoyed being single, and boy did I enjoy it. It was only when I stopped caring and calling that she gave a damn, like her birthday for example – now I know if I would of texted her on her birthday would I have received a call back or a text?
HELL NO which prompted her to call me and sneakily slip into the conversation that it was her birthday last week. And still I didn’t say happy birthday! I was over her and didn’t want anything to do with a girl that messed me about for 2 years. I even got a text on my birthday the month after! It was only till I moved home and seeing everything again really got to me. I think in London it was my place, new mates, new memories and back here all my memories are of her…which made me think ok lets see how she’s doing. It was an interesting theory about changing my phone number…I might just do that so I can eliminate any hope from the “drunk TWL.”
I do understand that relationships end, and you ex doesn’t owe you shit.. but if you want to continue them as mates like she did after we broke up. She can’t just call and have chit chat without hurting my feelings…imagine how I felt…my first love broke my heart left me without any answers and refused to speak then 3 months ltr she calls, the first thing I’m going to think is “oh yeah here are my answers”
All I wanted after that was for us to end in a nice way (if there is such a thing) so if we ever meet again or talk were both not thinking and bring up bad memories and as you said “You’ll come to a place where you cherish the fond memories you had and smile. “
My last question! Why do people still play relationship mind games after they broke up?
I had people telling me “oh if she calls its sign she wants you back so ask her to meet up” and people saying “if she ever calls act like your busy and hang up” and “tell her to piss off” then when the day comes that she calls you saying to your self “oh shit what should I do” you end up getting confused and mixed between all 3 and sounding like an idiot over the phone!
I’m liking your no contact policy, numbers and email address have been deleted … should stop the urge if I feel like calling!
Thanks again Seed!
Troubled With Love
P.S Thanks for the confidentiality!
I will look over the website for the changes that you mentioned
You're Welcome TWL
Let her go.
Let her go, learn from this relationship and find a way to get past it - and I hate saying this - but, move on.
Have you bought a copy of my book yet?
.
It’s something to recommend to all of your friends. Euro Seed and I really appreciate that. However, we like to see action. Buy it. You’ll love it. You’ll laugh. You’ll swear. You’ll do a little dance. You’ll make a little love. You’ll get down tonight. Get down tonight.
What more do you want from a book?
It’s the least you can do for us after we’ve taken the time to read your life issues and provide you with our swarthy response. Complete with a teeny weensy bit of comedy.
After you’ve gone to http://www.seedenterprises.com/ and picked up your copy of Seed’s Sketchy Relationship Theories - A Guide to the Perils of Dating (How not to become a bar regular), could you please head to your local watering hole and tell all of the “bar regulars” about this whack fly book you’ve just purchased.
Finally, once you’ve consumed the book, we’d love it if you visited amazon.com or Barnes & Noble and wrote a review.
Thanks.
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Your Plight
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Others have replied back with: “not enough information”.
Others have replied back with: “not enough information”.
That’s pretty lame. You wrote a 10-page question. Did you send your query to monkeys?
Half of you wants to rekindle the love. Wow! That reeks of desperation. You’re young. This girl is not the one for you. At least not now. You can’t rekindle something that is no longer there.
Think about it. You broke up and went through a whole gamut of emotions. You felt like you weren’t treated fairly. “TWL”, you got your heart trashed by a first young love. You spent a lot of the first question screaming out to me that she wasn’t living up to your expectations and you state stuff like “she didn’t have the decency to call you” and clear the air.
Maybe the monkeys that you sent the question to realized that you weren’t open to listening to their advice and avoided answering the question.
A Moment of Seed Sarcasm
If the candle's wick has burnt out, you can’t rekindle it. What you’re trying to do is impossible. Even if you were to “win” your love back it would be shortlived, as dude, this love is done.
What I suggest is that you keep pushing it, until it turns into hatred. And then push some more just to cement the fact. Once the cement has solidified, continue to cry out to your ex, just so everyone around you knows that you’ve become certifiable.
If you succeed with your efforts to reach Nutsville (because of a girl that doesn‘t want you I might add), ask other girls out and tell them over and over again about how your past love trashed your heart.
Because “TWL”, studies have shown that new love interests really, really, really dig being showered with how pathetically we love our past loves. They like to know that no matter what, no matter how much they’re into you (snicker - snicker - snicker), that they’ll never be good enough for you. Seriously, girls love projects. They love when we scream out someone else’s name during orgasmic moments. It helps to build esteem.
I do love the part of you that is so stunned and matter-of-fact: “I’m back in town why not rekindle the love.”
Go bang your head against a wall for a bit.
By the way, that’s how the USA ended up in Iraq. One of GWB’s aides asked: "George do you think we should invade Iraq?"
His response: “Why not?”
End of Seed Sarcasm
I’m going to be blunt and short with the rest of my answer.
Quit asking your friends and family.
"She’ll come back when she realizes?"
What the fuck does that even mean? Realizes what? That you’re a great guy? That she is so desperate that there is not another human in this world of seven billion that could possibly make her happy? That she likes to have sex with monkeys?
“TWL”, we’re all great guys. Especially those of us that don’t spiral down in desperation just because someone doesn’t want us anymore. In fact it is imperative that you realize this. If you spend your youth “pining” for somebody who doesn’t want you, then good luck to you. You’ll just extend your bitterness into your thirties and you’ll end up a loser at the end of a bar crying about how much you love someone who is married to someone else and has three children.
As for your friends who suggest “spreading rumours”: They’re idiots and they really suck as friends.
“I really love Suzy, but she broke my heart.”
“Don’t worry pal, I’ll show her. I’ll spread around town that she’s a Crack Whore.”
After all nothing screams love like spreading rumours.
I suggest dumping your friends who suggest shit like that. Or, drive them to pre-school.
If you allow it to happen you’re nothing more than a big, smelly asshole.
By the way, she didn’t do anything to you. We allow things to happen to us both good and bad. If you felt she was disrespecting you, you have one choice and that is get away from her.
I don’t understand why you’d want to be with someone who “does negative things to you.”
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Answer that please?
Answer that please?
Actually don’t, I already know that you’ll tell me how beautiful she is and how in the good moments it's……….
“TWL”, you may be wondering why I hit on this stuff after you said in your question "you can’t keep doing stuff like that."
Well, it’s because I don’t believe you. The fact that you mentioned it suggests that you’re simply asking from a whack of different angles until you receive what you want to hear.
You speak of trust and love. I don’t agree with your statement that trust takes ages to build. I think that we inherently trust others until they give us a reason not to.
If you’re going through life being wary of others welcome to the land of Paranoia. The plus side to reaching Paranoia for you is that you’ll have done it without the normal substance abuse that usually shares the cart of life with it.
Kudos to you.
You’re right though that trust can quickly be destroyed
“Jim, you said you’d pick me up in twenty minutes. Where the fuck have you been?”
“I told you that I’d be there at 6:20 and it’s only 6:21 cut me some slack.”
“Fucker, you told me on Tuesday, this is Friday……..”
Guess what, I don’t trust Jim anymore.
I’m feeling another moment of sarcasm coming on. Screw it. Going through life expecting people to build your trust.... Who the hell are you that makes it imperative for people to show that they are worthy?
Gandhi.
Actually I’m pretty sure Gandhi looked for the good in people.
Sounds like you’re looking for faults....
You’ve got some growing up to do and some issues to get past. You’re madly in love with someone who treated you badly and who you think is a fake person. Why are you so miserably insecure? Don’t you deserve happiness?
I don’t care what culture you’re from. People screw up other people all of the time. In all cultures. It’s a product of the times. We’re all becoming “Stupid Girls” and “Stupid Boys”. Marketing and rampant consumerism is a big part of this transition. You don’t have to play along. Quit looking for a “decent girl” and allow yourself to live and be happy.
You’ll know when you’ve found that girl. It may be in a year or maybe even ten. I do know this for absolute certainty, if you are needy or try to force yourself into a relationship because you feel that you can’t survive on your own or due to societal or family pressure, enjoy your marginal life with your marginal wife and your lovely children that you can teach that being marginal is the way to be. That way they can repeat the cycle with their children and their children and………
“What’s that Euro Seed?”
“Seed, that’s what most of us are doing now. If we’re lucky we can up the divorce rate to 70% soon.”
“That’d be really cool. That way we can all be self-absorbed, needy and broken lost souls.”
“Yeah, but what do most people do when they’re depressed?"
“I don’t know Seed. What?”
“Shop. We try to alleviate our despair by consuming.”
Pan to a board room on Madison Avenue where you’ll find a room full of Ad Executives, Counselors and Lawyers.
Sinister laughter fills the room.
“Our plan seems to be working to perfection.”
“Yes, yes…. If we can keep the world marginalized, numbed with anti-depressants and offer them sexy ad campaigns for: EVERYTHING. The world will be ours. Look at all of our minions shop.”
“Shall we start our ad campaign for……… in Iraq now?”
“Why not?”
Every one in the room casually saunters over to the window looking down on the hordes of frenzied shoppers. Smiles adorn each and every face.
(The following bit was brought to you by The Seed Players. The Seed Players are available for all of your special occasions. T-shirts are available for purchase. Buy. Buy. Buy. You need them……..)
Finally
Look, I’m certain you won’t listen to this advice. I hope you do. You’re young, you’ve got your whole life ahead of you. If you don’t put this somewhere where you can cope with it you’ll be absolutely useless to yourself and anyone else for that matter.
Why do people do shitty things to others and pay attention to them when they’re not receiving attention themselves?
Insecurities. Dysfunctions. Control. Neediness. Guilt. Remorse. More control. Selfishness. Low self-esteem. To punish themselves. They’re feeling pain and want to know that you are too. They are marginal people. And immature. And they’re plain and simple shitty people.
Did you see "They want you back" as one of the options?
They don’t. If they did they would simply take you aside and tell you how much they love you. They would ask you if you want to get back together. If someone is only paying attention to you when they don’t receive attention themselves, well they’re “Attention Whores” and you are likely just a pawn in their game.
Why the fuck would you want to be friends with someone like that?
So you can share lovely stories about who she’s getting busy with?
Do you hate yourself that much?
You can care about and even have feelings of love for lost significant others, but to try to hold on to this illusion of friendship is just simply ludicrous. I know people argue this whole "friends with ex" issue till they’re blue in the face. There may even be the occasional “EXCEPTION” to the rule.
Far more often there is no point in continuing the misery of a failed relationship. You broke up for a reason (or for a variety of reasons) and to try to build a friendship with someone who doesn’t want you and worse yet plays games with your heart afterwards is just PLAIN STUPID.
“TWL”, as much as it sucks, your relationship is done and if the information you gave me is true, love was likely never part of the equation.
My suggestion: Stop talking about her. Forgive her for "hurting you". Hell, forgive yourself for letting her hurt you.
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Put away your fucking anger. Stop trying to convince people that she did you wrong. Quit hanging out with immature morons.
Don’t even consider another relationship until you get this last one off of the stage.
Twenty-one days has a nice ring to it. If you can go twenty-one days without mentioning her name, maybe then you can date someone else.
Last thing:
BE HAPPY!
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Remember you asked
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the seed
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