Question 26: looking for answers in all the wrong places

Dear Seed

you still here?

.

.

here

Mind you why do people still stay on here for a long time after they've got over being dumped?

At the moment I find it a bit depressing and want to move on, but, its addictive.

Is this being sad?

The cyber world is wierd, hav just spoken to guy who is all jockey and whackey on site, but wasn't this way when actually tried to be jockey on chat site.

So nothing really is better than good old fashioned face to face relationships is it?

Dumbo x

Note: Dumbo x, is referring to the website: www.beendumped.com where the heartbroken congregate to share their stories and pain. Seed does not correct the grammar and spelling of the questioners, hell, he sometimes doesn’t edit the answers. At least not initially.

Dear Dx

Where’s here?

If you’re referring to my office in my living room, right now, as I type this, yes. Other than that, no. Unless of course, I’m there and that there is what you’re referring to as, here.

Senseless rambling? Yes.

Why do people hang out on a tragedy filled, aching heart website, which caters to the beaten down and depressed?

Simple answer: because misery begets misery. Because, unfortunately, people like to wallow. Happiness is friggen tough. Depression is easy. Happiness takes work. Depression comes from opening your eyes and looking out at the world. You don’t have to look far, or read much, to be stomped into mulch.

Listen. Listen carefully. A wise old man on a park bench once told me; after I asked the question: What matters? He stoically stated: “That’s simple, people matter, unfortunately I think we’ve lost sight of that.”

What does this have to do with your query? Everything. We’ve all been dumped at some time in our lives. Pardon the language, it fucking sucks. However, it’s a growing experience. If you allow it to be.

This website and others like it, provide an excellent service, they allow the heartbroken to share stories and realize that they’re not alone. Here’s the problem: visiting them needs to be short. Really short. If you haven’t been hit on the head a gazillion times with bricks, it really shouldn’t take too long to realize: lingering agony over being dumped by someone, isn’t worth the time. If you choose to spend your time rehashing heartache and pretending that you had the greatest relationship --- ever, and you didn’t see the end coming, leaving you reeling and spinning out of control in a tear-filled downward spiral, welcome to a pathetic life.

.

alive

Look, these websites serve a purpose, their intention is usually pure and if they help to pull one person off a depressive ledge, then they’ve provided a priceless olive branch. In my opinion: too long of a visit is dangerous to mental health. As much as I don’t believe the statements: get over or move on, I believe it is vitally important to avoid lingering. To quit looking for angles. By angles, I mean: someone who’ll agree with your sad story and allow your wounds to keep festering, leaving you in a depressive state. You’re right, depression is addictive, it’s much easier to stay down than to rise to the stars. Hanging out with other lost souls will eventually become a necessary fix. You’re highs will come from misery. And, heaven forbid, you meet someone on one of these sites, my god, a match made out of need. Good luck.

I’m sure the one exception to the previous statement will scream, “We met on the site and we’ve found true love.” Sorry to tell you, you’re living an illusion, and when it all comes crumbling down… you can tell another sad story.

Bold statement: not really, think about it, if you meet someone while sharing sadness, how could it possibly end in anything but more sadness? You forgot to take the time to recover. Neediness is not attractive and will eventually become weary.

Radical suggestion:

Visit these sites. Read a couple of stories. Realize that they all share the same common threads and eventually become painfully boring. Understand that most people are screwed up. Choose not to be that way, well, to at least try. Decide that, the (insert your own expletive) who dumped you, is not worth anymore time. Cope. Quit listening to sad songs. LIVE. Tell everyone you ‘meat’, “I’m doing great.” Even if you’re lying. Practice smiling. Don’t allow anyone to share sad stories with you, at least limit them, until you’re in a better head space. Rebound. Stay away from the websites after you’ve had your fill of tragedy. Do this quickly. Don’t, I repeat, don’t, date anyone from these sites, that doesn’t mean, never, don’t date anyone while they are hanging out on these sites. Maybe in the future, after they’ve been away from the sites for a long, long time. As far as dating goes, don’t date anyone, anywhere, as long as you feel the need to go to these websites. Trust me, you’re too needy, and next, will end up being a repeat of, last. Be brutally honest with yourself.

Lastly, take care of yourself. Surround yourself with ‘shiny, happy people’. Treat those you love like gold. Everyone else, with respect. Avoid confrontation. Smile. Treat the earth with kindness. Reach for the stars. Lock misery out and throw away the key. Cry. Cope. Learn. Smile again and again. And when the time is right, drop your guard, and let love in again.

Oh yeah! Yes, face-to-face, is much better. Online is full of smoke and mirrors. Emailing allows editing. Chat isn’t much better, however, it’ll strip away wit if one’s witless. And really, stay away from any clown who’s banging on you while you’re down. Needy wouldn’t be the term I’d use to describe a jester like that. He’s nothing more than a …

Bye for now.

Be happy!

remember you asked

seed