Question 18 The Infinite Saga of Mr. X - Part 1

Hello Friends:

Ask Seed was coasting along smoothly and then out of left field came a series of questions too entertainingly juicy, illustrating the blindness love can inflict on each and every one of us.

A story with international flair, intrigue, deception, cars, guns, hookers, a three-legged dwarf and a spectral society of gnomes and tally whackers.
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What more could you want?

Mr. X and his saga fell directly onto my lap - fortunately for me I was wearing a lap protector.

The Infinite Saga of Mr. X brings to the table:

• the importance of finding true love,
• why keeping self esteem intact is vital,
• how we can get lost in our own neediness and dysfunctions,
• and, unfortunately, how imposing your will and looking through rose-colored glasses really is a futile exercise, which will ultimately render one blind, blithering and pathetic.

Bitter pills to swallow. Even with gin. The Infinite Saga of Mr. X was initially going to be called:

Are you stupid - blind stupid? Really are you? I don’t think you are. But, your situation is telling me different. Just stop it. It’s for your own good. Really it Is.

or:

Crash.

Anyway, sit back and relax, here comes:

Question 18 The Infinite Saga of Mr. X - Part 1

First up - do you remember the story I told you about my buddy with the hot wife who is a doctor?

She went to India to do practical training.

Here is the continuation. Don't publish it yet, as I would like to discuss it first. Your answer would be great though, as I am meeting him tomorrow.

Hey Seed,

A friend of mine is married to a really hot woman. He is a great guy, always the life of the party, friendly, down to earth, intelligent, and very eloquent (as he is a lawyer, the adjectives "friendly" and "down to earth" are especially remarkable).

They had been together seven years, when they decided to marry last fall. They are perfect for each other and make a great couple.

His wife is a doctor. She decided to go to India to do practical training, which is a "station" on the road to becoming a doctor in this country. He booked a flight to pick her up there at the end of this training and do some traveling with her. My friend, let's call him "Mr. X", was a bit nervous when she left, as she was to be away three months, which was the longest separation they had yet to endure in their relationship. During this period, we talked quite a bit, as there were some "signs" that everything wasn't so peachy with them since she'd been away.

I tried to reassure him and say it's just the distance, hard work there, culture shock, etc. "Everything will be fine....", I said.

I tried to think of logical explanations for the "signs" and build him up a bit. Encouraged him to be strong and not constantly call and be needy. He remained strong and didn't ask her any "prying" or "neurotic" questions.

Then more "signs" turned up. She had met someone, a "very interesting" man. An Indian doctor. He had "certain qualities", which she "missed" in him (that is, Mr. X -- these are the words of Mr. X). Mr. X also said that they both - from time to time - met other "interesting" people and talked about it with each other. They are very open about discussing these things. "Not to worry," she said, "the people in India respect marriage as being 'sacred'."

It seems she had met another doctor a couple years ago, whom she also found "interesting". The relationship was on the brink of collapse. Mr. X left her freedom and made it clear that he didn't want to be the "second choice". It was hard for him but he was very courageous. She chose him.
Mr. X admitted to me that this was only his second ever "true" relationship.

Well, it turns out that "Dr. India" was only of Indian descent. He is from Boston and grew up there. In America, marriage is somewhat less sacred....

Then more "signs". His wife was often not reachable by telephone. She sent the odd vague text message. He called her and she answered the phone in a public place (street noise) and said: "It's a bad time. Am in a café, will call you back." But didn't say who she was with, which she normally does. A friend of hers visited him to talk with him about this situation. He mentioned he didn't want to force any info out of her, as he would just interpret way too much into it. He said to this person that if his wife "just" cheated on him it would be better than if she fell in love with someone. Yeah, it would suck, but he would be able to forgive her.

Her friend replied: "Do you really mean that about being able to get over the cheating?"

I didn't know how to come up with an explanation for that.

My friend just got back from India. He came alone, she followed a few days later. He no longer lives at home. All I got was a text message on my cell phone from him that "it couldn't have gone any worse". He would like to meet me tomorrow and talk.

I don't know all the facts, but it doesn't sound rosy. I tried to reassure him but that seems to be just hot air. I want to help him but I don't know how.

Now the question: What should I advise him? (of course, I will only advise him after asking his permission - no unsolicited advice). Should I just listen and not say anything? Do you think that there is a chance that things will normalize when she is back with him and away from "Dr. India"?

Thanks, Seed and regards,

Friend in Need

Dear Friend in Need

Seed enters the land of the accommodating on this one by enlisting the help of "express seed" to help formulate a rapid response to your pressing query.

Having said that lets jump, saunter, sprint, hurdle or skip right to the meat of your question. What sgiykd you advise him? Or in English: What should you advise him?

First off, “piss off”, you took the wind out of my sails from my ranting ship by understanding that you can’t just throw unsolicited advice at people. About anything. Unless of course you want to sound like a condescending jackass and start living a life in the land of: “I’m so smart”, “I’m so helpful. I’m so fucking condescending.” Eventually leading to: “Where is everyone? Why am I so alone? Here kitty, kitty, kitty!”

Having said that if he asks for your opinions, you have every right to throw whatever you have lodged in your brain holder at him. Just try to keep on topic.

Should you just listen?

Yes.

When he gives you a moment to interject. Don’t. Keep listening.

Repeat the above a couple of more times until he is out of breath and tired of talking and then pause, for, I don’t know 4 minutes more and if he doesn’t offer anything else then you may proceed and ask him if you can offer an opinion. Or, when he specifically asks for your opinion.

Now here is the kicker: He won’t listen. Really, he won’t. He’s not ready. He likely is in the phase where he has specific things that he wants and maybe even needs to hear. He’s got a trashed heart and soul - 7 years are “poof” right in front of him and he can’t do a single thing to change it. Right now he likely only needs validation or perhaps meaningless ‘head’ and I don’t think you want to be offering him that. Validation is tough on the jaw.

You may ask: Seed why are you so devilishly handsome, fun, witty, virile and intoxicatingly interesting?

Stop, you are too kind. I don’t know, it all comes naturally and quite often just after I’ve received some meaningless validation.

You may also ask: Seed how did you come to the above conclusions?

Well “FIN”, after receiving your words (question), we carefully place it, by carefully we don’t mean “Fragile. Handle with care.” We mean: “Extra Fragile. Use Extreme Care. Don’t get wet,” into the Seed Enterprise Question Spinner - Shaker - Filtering Machine and patiently wait for the machine to do its work which eventually results in a answer that you can take to the bank.

After the bank teller looks at the answer, confusion will quickly adorn his (her) face and you may quietly leave the bank or wait for a more formal escort. (In most instances the Seed Enterprise Question Spinner - Shaker - Filtering Machine consists of liquids.)

Your friend sounds like a fantastic guy with a significant amount of good shit going for him. Odorless crap with excellent consistency. How lucky is he: a hot, beautiful woman, who is also brilliant. Maybe not brilliant - intellectually gifted. Ok - good with body stuff and sickness stuff, with an altruistic side. What a powerful combination.

Could beauty be a red flag? No - the world can’t be like that: can it?

Unfortunately, since you’ve asked me a question that indicates that they aren’t a great couple and that statement turned out to be just window dressing.

I’m positive I’m missing something in translation: “They had been together seven years, when they decided to marry last fall.”

Sounds to me like one day they got up and realized that they had been together for a long time and went: “What’s next - want to get married?”

In my opinion too many people on this planet and many other planets* use comfort as an excuse to fuck up each others lives. “Must follow the formula. The other option would be unbearable.”

*In an attempt to not sound stupid, Seed decided that ending a sentence with “this planet” wouldn’t cut it, thus……..

The other option is to realize that the passion has left and that unless you find an accelerant to heat it up again, it may be best to hug one another and walk away. Sad, hurting, limp, but, without bringing lawyers into the equation to divide up……..

Seed PSA

Don’t settle. Even if it is after a seven-year relationship. If the flame burns low and can’t be ignited again (after appropriate time has passed and some soul searching), life won’t get sweeter by accepting mediocrity. It is not enough if your spouse is smoking hot. Smoking hot is not a quality. It is nothing more than a visual accelerant for the loins and quite often ends with the use of a towel.

End Seed PSA

“Perfect for each other” seems to be falling apart. I understand Mr. X and his mental anguish from a three-month separation. But c’mon - three months? If you’re deeply in love, three months may seem to be an eternity, perhaps be unbearable, yet it is only three months. Maybe if they hadn’t decided to get married and make their comfortable love contractual, he wouldn’t have had to “endure” this tragically long separation. I believe separation cements true love. And, if you are wrestling with inner turmoil because of being apart, you may be a little too dependent on someone else for your happiness.

You’ve been a great friend to him by trying to assure him and ease his struggles, however, the “signs” indicate that he has started to keep score. Building an inventory of hurtful elements to argue at a later point. Like every good lawyer he is building his case and now trying to win his relationship. It won’t work. Analytical and logic goes out the window when it comes to love. Perspective is all that matters. Right or wrong.

“Perfect” spirals down some more.

As for meeting someone “very interesting” with “certain qualities“: we are now entering the land of “Attention Seeking Bitch”. (Remember this question is from a man, if it was the other way around it would be “Attention Seeking Bastard”.) Whether or not they should be together anymore is irrelevant, in an aggressive selfish manner she not only ripped through his chest cavity and twisted his fragile heart to the point of breaking, she decided it would be…. “less hurtful” to throw into the mix elements of his personality that he has no control over. I don’t even really know what “very interesting” means.

Think about it for a second - if a comedian had the same audience every night of the week would his comedy remain funny? Of course it would, the humor would remain intact - it would just grow stale on that particular audience. This brings us once again to the only reason ever to get married: If the spark doesn’t wane for extended periods. If you're truly in love the same anecdote will remain fresh and exciting each and every time.

To top it off what the fuck does “they both from time to time have met “interesting” people” mean? Are they involved in some sort of relationship arms race where if you’ve got a nuke - I better get me a nuke?

Big question: Why does she deserve to be with someone “very interesting?” What’s she bringing to the table: her looks?

By “very interesting”, does she mean Doc. India’s knowledge of nosology?

This point really upsets me, we really do treat each other poorly at times, Mr. X is stuck with trying to smarten up and become more interesting. It really sounds as if she has two separate personalities:

1. Loving girlfriend. When in the company of Mr. X everything was blissful, looks, money and ambition. Sorry can’t say "loving wife" because by the time of marriage it was already in question.
2. Away from the relationship: “Shopping: open for adventure.”

Tell me it's different?

Just goes to show us that “men & women as friends” can rarely work and it doesn’t discriminate when it comes to “social classes”. How sad. How tragic.

As for the rest of the question, let’s just lump it all together in one big pile and shred it. It really is nothing more than particulars. None of it matters. He already knows the answer - it is just hard to face.

Once she cheated the trust will never return to 100%. It may drop to 95% and he may even be able to come to a place to cope, regaining most of what he needs to move forward. Of course he needs to forgive her, but, forgiving her while they are still together only lets her off of the hook. He’s telling her it is ok and that he will abnegate his right to be happy. Cue violins.

Then she cheated again - sounds like a past relationship of mine. With more infidelity the trust erosion is now magnified. Three months apart was hell - three hours may soon be too much. There will always be someone more interesting to a hot individual. Selfish Bitch (Bastard).

Finally, yes things will normalize, they’ll both likely cry, fight and swear to try harder, nevertheless, none of that matters: she doesn’t have to get hotter, he’s just got to find away to become “more interesting.”

One last thought: saying, "Not to worry, the people in India respect marriage as being 'sacred'." Red brick wall warning: Why would she offer that? Doesn’t that really mean in their culture they’ll remain in messed up relationships and look the other way when it comes to adultery?

“Can’t get a divorce - marriage is ‘sacred’.”

“Isn’t that Apu - screwing a cow?”

I really do feel for Mr. X, what a God awful place to be. The upside: “a great guy, always the life of the party, friendly, down to earth, intelligent, and very eloquent.”

As much as he doesn’t want to hear this: She doesn’t deserve him. Sounds like she’s got hot & intelligent as her attributes and by my scoring he’s up 6 to 2.

She needs to go away and change before he even considers allowing her into his heart again. If he lets her back in too soon there will always be “reasonable doubt.”

In the grand scheme of things it is out of his hands!

Remember you asked

express seed

There you have it Part 1 of: The Infinite Saga of Mr. X.

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(to be continued)