Question 25 DA first love bites

Dear Seed,

I'm dying of a broken heart.

I met him at church. I’m the kind of girl who has a hard time trusting guys. Before I met Cody, I had never really dated, I was Seventeen. It’s not like my parents wouldn’t let me; it’s that I wouldn’t let myself. I was always scared that I would just get hurt or that I would just get used.
Well, when I met Cody, all of that changed.

I first met him when we were in the Oasis room. He and several of his friends were sitting behind my cousin and me. They were talking about the movie Faces of Death. I turned around to make a comment about the really gross part with the monkey.

Anyway, he talked to my cousin and told her to put in a good word for him. When she told me that, I got really excited because he was such a good Christian.

So later that week after we exchanged numbers threw my cousin. He called and we went out to Pizza Hut, we both had a great time. After that we went out a few more times, then he asked me out.

I don’t know why I was so stupid, but I said yes. He just made me feel so happy, loved and protected.

It was during those few dates that I found out that he was a Virgin. I was raped, so I couldn’t really say anything, I just told him no when he asked.

It was right after that, I can remember the very second I fell in love with him, this part of my heart grew.

He was the sweetest person I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. He held my hand; bought me flowers said everything I wanted to hear. He told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Took me out on amazing dates. He was the first guy to ever take me out on a date, or hold my hand.

We were together for nine months. We saw each other every day. I told him everything, even that I was raped.

He bought me a ring, and told me to promise that I would love him forever. I knew I would, so I promised.

I forgot about all of my friends, and just became closer, and closer to Cody, until he was my entire world.

It made me so happy how I made him so happy. He was my best friend, and during the nine months I made a mistake. We started having sex. It meant so much to me, but we were both Christian, so I felt guilty. Sex took me away from god, but got me closer to Cody.

Cody was my everything.

Then the fights started. I hadn’t spent any time with my friends. My friends would ask me if I wanted to hang out, so I would make plans with them. When I would tell Cody that I was going to go out with my friends, he would get mad. He would say things like “you never spend time with me.”

I spent literally every day with him; I loved spending all my time with him.

But he would feel so bad that I wanted to spend time with my friends. Like on the verge of tears. I would call my friends and tell them some lie, and spend the day with Cody.

That went fine until my best friend’s 18th birthday party.

I told Cody months ahead of time that I was FOR SURE going to go to her birthday party.

He got really hurt because he wasn’t invited. I tried to explain to him that it wasn’t anything against him, It was just that Jen and I were going to do this.

Well he told me that I could go if I didn’t drink.

I drank, and on October 30th. He broke up with me. He told me that on that first drink, I broke up with him.

I didn’t think any of this would end up this way. He told me that he would love me forever.

Then he started with the stupid bull shit line; “I want to be your friend".

Ugh. No

He ignored my phone calls, never came over.

A couple of days after we broke up he asked me to come over.

I cried, he wouldn't kiss me, he wouldn’t hold me, and he didn’t even want to look at me.

I don’t know what I did to him to hurt him THAT bad, but I wish I never would have.

If I knew that going to that party meant so much to him, I would have stayed home. I feel so depressed, and all I can seem to do is cry. I wish I still had Cody, I want to spend the rest of my life with him!

Please write back with hope!

Regards,

Dismantled Lover

Dear DL

When I first read your question I couldn’t help but think: This is far too easy.

You’ve set me up to dismantle you and to rip into every aspect of your young love, rendering you a broken fool. Then, I read it again and I couldn’t help but feel for you. Not sorry for you, but instead you’ve got some serious issues to deal with and I wish you all the best trying to come to terms with who you are and what your future has in store for you. I think this may be a very important time in your life and the decisions you make now may impact all of your future relationships.

I can’t even imagine the damage being raped has caused you. It must be horrific. No wonder you have trouble trusting guys. Regardless of your fragile state I am not going to hold back on my opinions of what I think you need to do? Remember, they are just that, my opinions.

My first recommendation, if you haven’t already - go to a counselor. It is important that you find someone you feel comfortable around and that you feel that you can open up to. You need to find someone who will mostly listen to you and allow you to talk through your pain. If you go to a counselor and you don’t feel comfortable - find another counselor. I’m going to guess the last thing you need right now is someone judging you.

Secondly, what the hell are you dating for at seventeen? Let me expand: Seventeen is for fun. Seventeen is for letting your hair down and having fun with your friends. Seventeen is for having crushes on boys and puppy love. Seventeen is a time for you to change your mind a million times and like Dan one moment and Steve the next. Seventeen is a time to think you’ve figured all out only to find out at forty you really knew squat. Seventeen is a time for pillow fights.

I’m a little troubled that considering what has happened to you that your parents would allow you to date. I hope by "dating" they mean just hanging out with guys and going to the mall....

“DL”, you’ve got your whole life to be saddled down with love. You have your whole life to enter into power struggles about what you need from a boyfriend and lover. No relationship that starts at 17 has any hope in hell of surviving what life is going to dish out to you in the next fifty years. At 17, 18, 19, 20, 21... You know squat. Doesn’t mean you're not smart. Just means when it comes to life and its struggles you’re just beginning your journey (rape aside).

I know that the youth of society when they read the last paragraph are going to cite examples of relationships that started young and survived. Some may even try to shower me with their superior intelligence. All I have to say to you : PISS OFF.

Hell, how intelligent can you possibly be? You showered me with intelligence. Water is the only true cleanser.

Next, stay away from monkeys.

I also suggest staying away from guys named Cody. The name Cody doesn’t scream long term. While on the subject, neither does: Britney, Chad or Tiffany. I’m sure there are many other names that fall into this category, I’m just not seeing maturity being part of the equation when you are given youthful names. I could be wrong. Wait, Mrs. Spears (-Federline) is proving my point.

“DL”, you may be a wee bit choked at me for this: What the heck does being a good Christian have to do with anything? Wow, I said heck instead of hell. If it is imperative for you to be with a Christian that is fine, but, and this is a big but, isn’t it far more important that he is a good person?

Christians for centuries have come in all sorts: good, bad, fat, ugly, beautiful, crack heads, murders, rapists, thieves, lawyers, used car salesmen and so on and so on. I get a little frustrated with you saying that he was a good Christian. I don’t even know what that is supposed to mean.

I worked with a “good Christian” who was the most self-centered, judgmental bastard I’ve ever met. He thought that all he had to do was try to recruit others to the cause and that made him a good person. He reeked of insincerity.

“DL”, date Christians if that is what you need to do. Please don’t imply that good Christians are inherently better than “GOOD PEOPLE”. Maybe some day if you give a good person a chance you may start to view the world a little bit differently and with an open heart and mind.

Just some food for thought.

Speaking of food: avoid Pizza Hut for a while.

I’m going to let you in on a little secret: No guy is the sweetest guy in the world. Except for me of course. We may do sweet things. We may genuinely be looking out for your best interests. We may want to take care of you. We may have wonderful qualities that make us keepers. However, we all have our flaws and dysfunctions.

Seventeen is a dangerous time for guys. Peer pressure: the media, erections and a whole host of other hormonal changes are taking place that drives each and every one of us - Christian or not - to want to score. I don’t care how sweet Cody is, if the hormones were firing on all cylinders he’d have told you anything to get busy with you. Doesn’t mean he didn’t mean it in “the moment” however, after “the moment” passed and his quest was complete everything about life changes. He probably was trying to figure out what just happened. And, is it rude if I shower up right away?

Look, you’re banging on yourself pretty hard for having sex. I’ll let you in on another little secret: (I apologize in advance for the profanity) Everybody has fucking sex. It is part of life. It is beautiful. It at times is naughty and at others a wee bit kinky. It runs a whole gamut of exploration. Western culture has made us so ridiculously uptight about sex. Having it doesn’t change your core. Having it to win love or manipulate, well, that is an entirely different subject. Having sex is nothing more than having sex. Cut yourself some slack. You can’t go through life persecuting yourself for things that are simply part of life.

It’s time for me to summarize.

“DL”, you’re way too young to even consider a long term relationship. It will never work. More important, it will never work until you deal with what has happened to you. You must see someone and work that out. If you don’t you will put way too much pressure on your intimate relationships. Relationships don’t usually survive massive amounts of pressure. It is unfair of you to ask for someone to save you from the big, bad, scary world. That is something that you’ll have to do yourself.

“Sweetie”, you need to forgive yourself for all the things that you're judging yourself about. You’re human. What happened to you wasn’t your fault.

Having sex with someone you care about is natural. Feeling guilty because you had sex is also natural.

As for Cody. He’s done. He doesn’t know what he wants yet. And, to give you a hard time because you had a drink - how did he become the one who gets to pass judgment? Hey what the hell are you drinking for anyway? Aren’t you under age?

You didn’t hurt him at all. You cared about him and shared an important time of your life with him. You allowed yourself to be vulnerable. Remember, Cody is young too and he is sorting through his own shit. Everything is happening so fast and the whole world is changing around you guys. He is likely trying to figure out what he wants and the drinking is a lame excuse to just cast you aside. Perhaps the current version of Cody shuns drinking and will not allow it in his life (for now).

Finally, losing your first love really sucks. We get wrapped up in how we’ll never survive or find someone so wonderful ever again. It can consume us leading to tears and despair. The hard truth, for whatever reason you and Cody are not meant to be. Not right now at least. I repeat that you and Cody are not meant to be. You need to find a way to come to terms with that. If you don’t you’ll tarnish the memory of your first love and I know you are way too smart to do that.

In time the heartache will pass. It always does. In the meantime look after yourself. Try to be happy. Lie about it if you must. Tell people you’re doing great. Eventually the lie will become reality and you will have forgotten why you pined for Cody so much in the first place.

Most important, get some help to deal with your other issues - I know that in the future you want to become a beautiful, caring, vibrant, women whose independence will become one of your greatest character traits. Like said: if someone becomes your "everything" - your relationship doesn’t stand a chance long term. You must be able to stand on your own and “DL” at the present moment you don’t seem capable of doing that.

As for hope. You’re a wicked individual. You’re young. Once you conquer your demons “true love” will find you when you least expect it. Cody wasn’t it.

Smile, have a blast with your friends and remember to:

BE HAPPY!

Remember you asked

the seed

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