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Saturday, December 01, 2007

Question 18 The Infinite Saga of Mr. X - Part 4 + FIN Commentary

My memoir will be published soon.
It is also on the verge of being optioned and turned into a movie.
Both the book and movie will become rousing successes!

A stroke of my…

Before I dive head first into the bushy hallow life of Mr. & Madame X --- a pause was required to drink in a bit of praise for the Ask Seed factory. FIN, thanks for the appreciation, it’s what glazes my soul.


Question 18 The Infinite Saga of Mr. X - Part 4 + FIN Commentary

Hello my Brother, Guru of Relationships, Man of Knowledge and just plain my best Friend.

How was that for a greeting?

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I loved it. Great analysis and advice. And the photo at the end: beyond words......

Mr. X's "problem" is so symptomatic of relationships today. He is the problem. It is the first woman he ever slept with and he married her. He can't let go and that is exactly what will cause it to never work out. He refuses to give her time and the chance to work out her shit and get her life together.

He is trying (although he claims he isn't) to force a decision in his favor. I think you're right: how manipulative.

And I must correct myself in saying that he has no self esteem. That only applies to relationships. He is indeed arrogant, because he thinks that talking himself into "saving his marriage" and "thinking things out, the way they are supposed to be" is a substitute for a loving relationship with a partner (in this case his wife, who apparently can't decide between him and Doc India).

Sounds like he should date himself.

Take care, my Brother - once again, excellent work!!



It’s been awhile since I’ve ventured down the salty toxic love path of the Xs. I suggest if you’re not up to speed with this train wreck of a relationship --- visit the table of contents on the left, read the previous X q & a chapters, sit back, enjoy. You may even stumble across a picture of my penis kitty if you look hard enough.

Now where was I?

Question 18 The Infinite Saga of Mr. X - Part 5

Here is an update on the continuing saga of Mr. X.

Was talking to him the other day.

Told me he was going out with some friends to have a few drinks and hang out. I thought "great, a chance to live a bit and get his mind off Mrs. X".

If it were only that easy. While out with his friends, he received a text message from Mrs. X. She "wanted to speak to him" and was out in a nearby bar.

Mr. X replied: "Let's talk tomorrow" (thinking "I am having a good time for once...")

Mrs. X said: "It is really important, I must see you. Let's meet in 10 minutes in front of Bar X."

Mr. X: "OK."

Ten minutes later...

Mrs. X: "I really miss you."

Mr. X: "OK." (Thinking: "That is information I could have been able to use five months ago if you hadn't decided to cheat on me with Doc. fucking India.). "I am going home now."

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In any case, he no longer was in the mood to hang out with friends. He went home, she went back to the bar she had been in and hung with her friends. I can only hope for him that he doesn't fall for the "I miss you" line. If he does, then he can "miss her" too, when she heads off to Harvard and Doc. India....

The next day at work he received a call from her. She was totally pissed off and asked in the manner and tone of an inquisitor: "Who have you told about us? Did you tell my sister? Your parents? How could you?!" His otherwise normal day was ruined and he could only think about the situation.

The thing is, Mr. and Mrs. X have a number of common friends, her sister is together with a good friend of his. This situation has its advantages when things are rosy. Yet, when someone decides to fuck everything up by cheating and disrespecting their partner, the situation can become uncomfortable.

In any case, Mr. X answered: "I talked to people because I needed to. I didn't tell them the details but I have every right to talk about the situation."

Wow, I can understand that Mrs. X may not feel good amongst friends and acquaintances who have been filled in on the situation. However, she caused the situation in the first place and shouldn't wonder that it could become "uncomfortable".

Why are people so fucking selfish?


Dear FIN

Welcome back friend. Did you miss me? Well, did you? Tell me, tell me, tell me!

Of course you did. Sometimes when I get really lubricated on a combination of Absinthe, Orange Whips and Cheetos, I fall into a maze-like labyrinth of confusion, being swallowed by 1000s of velvety furry arms which are reaching out and caressing my emotional state where bliss meets sexuality, culminating in a cornucopia of pleasure and guilt. At first while still clothed the gentle whips of the fur covered arms scare me --- as layers of clothes are ripped from my taught body, shit I forgot to wear underwear, and the Absinthe begins to quash reason, the strokes turn from fear to something much more euphoric, I heave, my breathing becomes sallow. Lights of color flash before me. Red, green, blue, red again. Heat engulfs me, my pulse races and my being becomes vascular until I can take no more. Another stroke, that’s the spot, and release! Sweat beads on my forehead and I gasp for air as I try to regain composure. Ewe… the Cheeto dust clumps.

Sobriety returns, I too missed me. Welcome back me!

Why are people so selfish?

Before I get to the question I need to shower. Just a sec… come with me. Turn, turn, turn… about midway on the dial. Nice, warm, toasty warm, a little lather and…

“She came from Providence. One in Rhode Island. Where the old world shadows hang heavy in the air. She packed her hopes and dreams like a refugee. Just as her father came across the sea. She heard about a place people were smiling. They spoke about…

…I don‘t know why. You call someplace paradise, kiss it good bye.”

Hop out dripping wet, grab a towel, gentle on the balls, back, neck, some more ball time, and refreshed.


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Cause is the answer. Selfishness is only removed, for the most part, when life knocks you down and when you get up and pry your eyes open, in my case, eye open, and you see things for what they are. Complete with all of the glorious dysfunction. Mr. & Mrs. X are just doing what people do --- fucking each other up emotionally. I hate judgment, however, it’s very apparent they were never meant to be together. Mr. X can try to debate that if he thinks it will sway the opinions of…I don’t even know who. Most people don’t care. “FIN” you’re a good friend to him as you are willing to be subjected to his insanity. Unfortunately, the Xs are like most, we live in a brilliant world and an astonishing universe, both of which are indefinable expanses of opportunity and excitement. Man however, seems to have this predisposition to destroy themselves.

time for some deep seed rigmarole...

Everyone begins life’s journey selfish. It’s ingrained in us starting at birth and it continues during childhood, for most. We walk down these paths where if we are raised in a loving environment we are showered with praise, protection and love, and if the shower is excessive, we become entitled. This deposits us in a place where reference to the pain of others is removed and compassion usually falls into writing a cheque to some worthy cause, which we think gives us the right to continue down the road of marginal. Beholden to no one. But only on the surface.

The longer one goes without experiencing trauma, the less they understand, a positive product of selfish, these people usually get what they want. They expect it. Whether that is, financial success, sex, ‘pretend’ love, and basically, everything. In fact, the longer one goes unscathed, selfish is all they can be as they’ve lived in a reality that is unsustainable. When trauma finally visits these people they’re often lacking depth and struggle with recovery. Instead of becoming less selfish, they act out. They become belligerent, and they demand the smooth ride to continue.

When their friends face trauma, they usually can’t handle it, don’t want to hear about it, and offer shallow words, “a lot of people.” Which hurts deeply and leaves the one suffering in more pain. Fair-weather comes to mind.

As for those who aren’t raised in a loving environment. Selfish is often the only way. It’s their way to fight for survival. These individuals are deeply damaged and finding self is likely to be a life long struggle. Along their journey there are shouts for attention. To be noticed. They try to suppress the pain by covering it in a heavy cloak and avoiding confronting it. It festers, and never heals. It can’t. Closure isn’t an option because no answer to the betrayal they’ve experienced can soothe their soul. So, they resist evolving and have a tendency to sabotage everything good that comes their way. Again, ingrained, they’ve been conditioned to believe they’re not good enough, never will be, and ultimately don’t deserve to be.

The pain they experience often manifests itself in: brilliance, substance abuse, alcohol abuse, sexual promiscuity, more brilliance, and bursts of success followed by crashing falls from grace. People are drawn to them, but can’t understand or define them so they periodically lash out at these broken individuals. “You’re not like the rest of us.” Hurtful words that in essence brings hope. Not like the rest… Is that the birthplace of genius?

There is hope, some of the neglected learn to cope, they develop a keen sense for dysfunction, they don’t judge, they just see things for what they think they are! And, they express those thoughts. The neglected are the best friends to have when the inevitable trauma hits home for others because instead of, “a lot of people were.” They offer silence and comfort. They have reference, therefore, they understand calming actions are far greater than subjective words.

Regardless of where one comes from if an individual pulls off their tinted glasses and drinks in both the beauty and the tragic fucking mess the world has to offer, then, and only then, can they cast aside selfishness and have a positive impact on life.

In fact: it’s the responsibility of those who “are not like the rest” to steer the world into the next phase in the evolution of mankind!

FIN (who represents good), a transformation in thought is taking place for me. I still think there is a lot of crap out there. God, here comes the bolt, is f#@king messing up. Don’t take that too seriously, God. If you’re listening, I’m sure you’ve got a plan for the betterment of life. You do, don’t you? All this killing, war, racism, hatred and shit, there is a point to all the suffering, right? Sorry for distracting you, I’ll let you get back to it. If you’d like some of my suggestions: fire me an e-mail. The addy is… I don’t need to tell you, you know it! *SMILE*

As for my transformation: The world and the universe are brilliant places and it is our responsibility to focus on the good and to suppress the bad. Be aware, but let it die off in the background. Just imagine if everyone on this rock stopped buying into the divisive hatred our hearts are filled with by our politicians and corporate juggernauts, what incredible shifts in the quality and meaning of life would instantly take place.

We all bleed red. And fuck the powers that be for trying to divide us, keep us down, indebted, and looking over our shoulders. Most people, although selfish, just want to find a way to be happy. We’re collectively being corrupted by manufactured needs that lead to greed, selfishness, and hatred. We’re precariously close to blowing this whole thing up due to these elements. Must keep others out… we’re protecting our ways of life. Buying stuff! Can’t let others buy stuff! It’s ours. Newsflash: the stuff is overpriced and it’s for the most part, crap. I’m a capitalist --- but at the same time I see things for what they are. I could be wrong. NAH!

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Anyway, last blast of seriousness. It’s time to rewrite some of the fundamental rules for the world. These are my suggestions and they carry no religious or political agenda with them. It’s time to rid the shall not and bring everything current. Shall not is laced with guilt and what do you do when someone challenges you?.. that’s right, rebel.

seed’s eight laws of life
  1. Let others die of natural causes.
  2. If it’s not yours, leave it alone unless you ask politely to borrow it.
  3. Let others live their own lives. Translation: As long as they’re not hurting you, leave them be. They may be fucked up. But they are going to let you die of natural causes and they’re not messing with your stuff, so leave them alone. Check your ego at the door and understand we can’t save others. There is no merit badge for it… so quit it. All you can do for someone in trouble is listen, offer comfort and a smile.
  4. Don’t fuck up the Children. Don’t you get it dumb-ass the world belongs to them, not you.
  5. Clean up a little bit before you leave.
  6. Smile and be kind to others.
  7. Only get married if your relationship is not work!
  8. Friends are just that, friends. They’re not gay, straight, black, white, burgundy, covered with furry tentacles, or anything else. As said, just friends. With one exception: when you are referring to me you can say, “My deceptively hot friend who has a brilliantly sized explosive package.” Okay!

    Penalty for noncompliance, it’s simple, you don’t get to play anymore. Harsh! Sure, but just think seed’s eight laws could replace the gazillion that we’re faced with everyday. We wouldn’t need the others. No more $150 fines for idling your vehicle for more than 3 minutes. And damn it! No more cleaning schedules on the fucking fridge! I live alone and even mine isn’t working.

    No more bazillion % divorce rate as people would finally stop following the flawed formula of love. If it takes a lot of work, you’re either not ready for marriage, or you’re not with the right one. Argue till your head explodes. Look at the Xs, what’s their chance for happily ever after if they get back together?

    …end of deep seed rigmarole

    As for the Xs: they're both selfish. They don’t know any other way. Hopefully they evolve and realize selfish is greed and it is filled with hurt. And until the world changes, with a little nurturing from each of us who’ve evolved, selfish is just the way it’s going to be. However, one-by-one as the pain intensifies, people will begin to realize the way to a better future is wrapped in an embrace and a smile!

    Hey, I was just wondering: Why don’t the Xs just drink at their own bar?

    remember you asked

    the seed

    postscript 1

    Where’d I put my towel. Mmm… Cheeto dust. Yummy!

    postscript 2

    Go buy our first book at

    postscript 3

    I’m not nuts!

    postscript 4

    Don‘t forget to subscribe to ask seed for your regular fix!

    Saturday, October 27, 2007

    question 30: ewooo

    question 30: ewooooo

    Dear Seed

    Hi, what an interesting life you have led...

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    i thought mine was a little bit different not the usual 2.4 children married for 20 yrs plus.. but would trade mine for yours any day...Wow i do envy you...

    the people the places you have visited and known...can you tell me one thing though do you afford to live...what pays your rent??.

    ..ok maybe your books now but in the beginning how did you do it??..

    what came first ...the books or the travailing?...

    Sorry for hassling you...

    Lov Rx

    Dear Lov Rx

    Quit hassling me… I’m trying to relax here. I’ve got a plane to catch. I’m training to become a midwife. Baseballs on the tube. Locusts… I tripped. Aliens have invaded. I can’t find a clean towel. Just leave me alone… how dare you interrupt my Saturday morning --- more than a year after you’ve asked the question?



    “Just because you’re answering the query now doesn’t mean what you’re doing now is relevant, fool.”


    “No buts. No buts.”

    Okay, where was I, illustrating, that’s where, I was illustrating the fact that I’ve put myself out there, and since I’ve done this unprovoked, “Inquisitor”, you’re not bugging (hassling) me at all. I’m more than happy to ramble for you.

    Do you want to know what is bugging me?

    TALK RADIO! That’s right, talk radio, more precisely, any talk radio that has to do with sports. Scotty Rintoul, do you actually listen to how self-absorbed and ridiculous you sound?

    I’ll wait for your answer.

    A word to the wise… who cares if he plays harder, skates faster, blah, blah, fucking blah… it’s just sports, and at the end of the day, life goes on. Shouldn’t we be more worried about the perils of the planet and the rate of extinction that we’re all facing today… "no," you don’t think so, "Scotty," you think we’re better served by being distracted by you, and million dollar --- highly overpaid athletes. I know, I know… they're only earning what the market will bear. Well, I say, “Sheep of the World,” it is time for us all to pull our heads out of the sand and collapse the fucking market.

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    I suggest: biting your tongue as I rant a little more: Sports, celebrity, and unchecked capitalism, although natural to man, isn’t to mother nature, and unfortunately, we’re too dumb to see what is coming down the pike. I’m not apocalyptic, however, headline: EXPERTS SAY THE NUMBERS OF GEESE ARE A PROBLEM AND IT IS NECESSARY TO DO A CULL.


    But we’re humans, we’re not part of nature.

    We’re above all other creatures… we think, we’re logical…

    True, true… but we’re logically working towards extinction and we’re even using catch phrases to make it sexy: CARBON FOOTPRINT, SHOCK & AWE… it’s easier to sell us, The Sheep, if we… sex it up a bit.

    In the end… naturally, we’ll destroy ourselves… cause, collectively, we’re all trainable lemmings who’ve bought into crap. We dump millions and millions of gallons of water on fires trying to save million dollar homes in places that we had no business over-building, while at the same time, Atlanta, runs dry, and will soon become uninhabitable?

    Apparently, without water ---- living gets tougher.

    We’ve placed homes above people, why?

    Cause the fires are far sexier than a drought --- and sexier sells advertising. And, because action shots of a drought are initially far less spectacular, with the emphasis on initially.

    And another thing, further off topic I might add, Joe Leary (talk radio host), yes, Joe Leary, when you are claiming to be as smart as fifth graders, I’d think a little bit about the wording of your statements: “I think I’m smarter than most fifth graders, I consider myself very well appraised* of things…”

    “Rx,” sweetie, if you’re a girl, hell, even if you’re a man, anyway, my life isn’t for trade, it’s mine and you can’t have it… what’s so challenging, boring, undervalued, unappeasable in your life that you would even consider dumping if for mine?

    Mine is not all glamour. It seems like I’m a jetsetter --- all an illusion created by over-consuming spicy foods and malt liquor.

    Embrace your life, it’s yours, the crap, the gems, the tenderness and the additional crap. Survive it. Kiss it. Hug it. And most important, laugh at it. You may ask where am I going with this?

    A query shrouded in vagueness, receives a reply that is also vague.

    As for envy… STOP THAT… envy is a large portion of the fuck the world equation of mankind. We envy, which creates: wants, which creates: artificial need, which creates: competition, over the stupidest things I might add, ask Mr. Rintoul, which in-turn creates: the number one element of our destruction: unchecked radical religious factions greed, resulting in a widening gap between the haves and the have-nots. The Hiltons and the Rx’s. The Spears and me. The pro athlete and the fan. And we eat it up cause we’ve been conditioned. We’ve all become extensions of greed and our out-of-control pursuit of wealth. We’ve all become walking talking conduits of the marketing campaigns.

    Don’t believe me?

    Go for a walk. Listen carefully to conversations… do you hear it?

    “I love your shirt, where’d you get it?” “You must go to… it’s fabulous.” “Grab me a coke.” “How much did you get that for?” “This restaurant is fantastic, you must go.” “Must buy.” “Got a good deal.” Blah, blah, fucking blah…

    Past how are you, I estimate at least eighty-percent of conversation pertains to what’s really important, stuff… you’ve just been served a dash of sarcasm.

    My challenge to you: stop the envy parade and try to focus on: I love you, I care about… just for one day… bet you can’t!

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    “Rx,” get your ass on the dance floor…

    Sorry about that, Eve is playing in the background and I was distracted.

    If you’ve read this far, you’re probably not too envious anymore.

    “You’re nuts, Seed.”

    “How’d you get your fingers on my keyboard? I prefer, burdened.”

    Finally, a stab at answering your question: The people, the places?.. How do I afford it?

    I haven’t traveled that much, and the traveling I’ve done has been over the course of my life. It’s not as extreme as you make it out to be and as a matter of fact, I haven’t been anywhere in the last four years, unless the store counts. Please tell me it counts… I’m going stir crazy here.

    Afford it?

    I can’t afford not to. I’m sticking with the one life to live formula, so in that spirit, if traveling leaves me in an impecunious state, so be it. If I can't afford food --- I’ll chow down on our heavily flavored polluted air, breathing must have a caloric value, don’t you think?

    Maybe that is why a starving Globe is becoming deliciously obese… irony lives.

    The people?

    I’m just open to conversation, both absurd, abstract, wacky, occasionally deep, all finished off with a slice of cantaloupe. People are here to be talked to, if not… what good are we?.. oh yeah, worker bees and well conditioned consumers.

    How do I afford to live --- and what who pays your rent?

    Living, well the other option is dying, therefore, whether I’m in the gutter or a flame engulfed home of the rich and famous, I afford what I can because I’m not ready to die yet.

    As for paying my rent: Harry Potter, I wrote the Harry Potter books.

    “No you didn’t.”

    Okay, I need you to go out and buy, I don’t know, a billion copies of my our first book… go… now. I pay my rent, not through the sale of my books, although one day I hope that is the case. I do whatever I have to do to stay indoors, and at times it has been a struggle, to say the least.

    “Rx,” life is about living and embracing it, we’ve all been ushered, in my opinion, down the wrong paths for a long time now, that’s why so many people have tons of stuff, but aren’t happy and think they want something else. A different life. More stuff. Whatever. I feel we’ve all been distracted by crap and we’ve for the most part bought into the distraction, causing us all to spiral upward in the quest for wealth and spiral downward in the destruction of our souls.

    Translation: we’re just doing what man has naturally been conditioned to do. In a sense: fuck each other over, most of the time with a smile smirk on our face. I’ve reached the point where I don’t want to buy anymore, and I definitely don’t want to do what the others do. It may not save the world, but it will certainly make my journey on this rock more pleasurable.

    By the way, where’d did you get your shoes, I love them?

    One last thought: embrace life, live it, and be good to others. All others, cause if Atlanta is out of water… others may be migrating to your neighborhood soon, on a global scale.… Joe Leary has just been appraised of that.

    remember you asked

    the seed

    *Appraised --- I’ve changed my mind… Joe, it’s far too easy and I’ve been, for many years, undervalued.

    Up next: Another installment in the deliciously, salaciously, intoxicating world of Mr. X.

    Cranking it up again!

    Here we go again...

    ...after a lengthy hiatus, Ask Seed, is about to get its motor running again and tackle your life dilemmas. We apologize profusely for our absence and promise not to ever disappear again. We also promise to answer each and everyone of your questions in the order we’ve received them.

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    So, tag along with us and prepare yourself to be riveted and inspired by our insipid ramblings.
    If you’ve been wondering: Where’ve you been Seed’s?
    Well, we’ve been:
    1. Cleaning.
    2. Doing the laundry.
    3. Choking the chicken.
    4. Loping the mule.
    5. One of us had some sex.
    6. The dishes had piled up and it was time to do something about it.
    7. Evicting thieving flat mates.
    8. Mastur…
    9. Cooking turkeys.
    10. Counseling ninjas.
    11. Euro Seed believed he could fly…
    12. And, last, but not least, napping.

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    But none of that matters, cause, we’re back. To slowly bring you back up to speed, won’t you join us on a photo journey (below, scroll way down, keep going, to the bottom of the page)?

    Well, won’t you?

    It’s good to be back! :)

    Cool Slideshows

    the question queue

    the question queue

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    During our rest and our corresponding search for a towel, the questions kept coming. And to be honest: we dropped the ball. We’ve managed to pick up the said ball and we’ll blasting our way carefully through the list of questions below. We’ll be doing this in the order they come in. This will allow you, the questioner, to know when you’re on deck. It will also allow you to peruse the life dilemmas of other wearied souls and to see if your heartache may be addressed before we reach your query.

    Read, enjoy, ponder, or fire a question our way at and we promise to eventually fire back our thoughts.

    Note: the questions have not been edited in any way: Grammar, spelling or punctuation. We’ve decided to leave them true to form.

    Note #2. The sequel: We’re working on a table of contents. Once done, it will allow you to follow quick links to all of the questions and answers.

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    question: 31 a & b


    Hi Seed,

    i'm (42) together with my girlfried (38) with her 9 year old son for exactly one year now.

    We really had a great time together so far. Regarding our age and the fact that we do not live together until now i've talked to her about making plans for our future together (including living togehter and have a child together - which she wants by herself too btw). She lives together with her sister and their little son as well with her parents in a semidetached house and even thinking of moving from there (even a few miles) and move together causes her "panic attacks".

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    laser eyes of death set on target: check.

    After beeing skiing together last weekend she told me that she needs to be alone this evening.

    The next day i wrote her an SMS and she mailed me that she doesn't feel good and finally on monday she mailed me that "she doesn't know what's going on and she feels comfortable to be alone with her son this time". And yesterday the last mail i've got said "i can't have a relationship with you for the moment, i enjoy being alone with my son for the moment".

    So what can i do or how shall i behave respectively to win her back - cause she really means a lot to me!

    Thx in advance


    Being pushed away


    Hello Seed,

    Hello, my name is Fr___ and i'm 42 years old.

    Since 1 year i've a girl friend who is 38 and has a nine year old son from a former relationship which lasted for 10 years but which has not been the real deal.

    She runs a business by her own often until late in the night and therefoe has only few time left for me and her son (which she feels quite guilty of - and who is therefore spoilt sometimes).

    She lives by her own in a semi-detached house with her sister (and their little son) and her parents - everyone in a separate flat but all together in one place. We had a really good realtionship so far and she told me from time to time that she loves me and needs me and is happy to have me.

    At the beginning of our relationship it lasted about 3 months that we finally got together cause i've not been sure about my feelings towards her at that time. And she had been after me like the hell :-) But in between she really means a lot to me (which i've told her also sometimes) and therefore i've put some plans on the table concerning our future (moving together and maybe have a child in 1 to 2 years which has also been a proposal by herself too). But somehow she gets really scared by the thought of eventually leaving her home and move together with me (although it would only be a few kilometres from her home). She says that she's never been away and therefore is really scared of that.

    In the public and in her business she really plays the cool woman but i know that in reality she is quit different from that (which i prefer btw). In the meantime i'm the one how visits her at home (to not leave her child alone - which i really understand) or i visit her in her business (a resaturant btw). It's only me right now who runs after her otherwise we wouldn't meet at all.

    Last saturday she wanted to go skiing - which she did sometimes so far - and i went with her and her girlfriend and her and her sister's son although i haven't been skiing for over 10 years just to accompany her (but it was quit funny for met too).

    When we got home i thought we could spend the evening together but she told me she needs to be alone with her son. The next day i asked her to bring her son and come with me for a sleig ride - but she won't. Now she told me that she's not able to have a realtionship with me right now and want's to stay alone with her son and she feels sorry about that.

    So please: What wnt wrong and what can i do to get her back on track because she really means a lot to me?

    Thx in advance

    Being pushed away

    Question 32 family loved served up deep dish

    Hey Seed,

    I would like to ask your opinion on something.

    I have some serious family problems (background info needs to be added).

    The newest is that "they" are going to fly my brother to Germany and leave him on my doorstep.

    The funny thing about that is that a "judge" called my Dad on the same day and threatened to "ship him to Labrador" if my Dad didn't send money "for food". Maybe they will clone my brother and send one to each place. That would be the best solution.

    I guess I'll be getting a new roommate soon. First, they were gong to throw him onto the street. Then pick him up, shower him, "give him new shoes" (apparently, they have hungry dogs in Manitoba) and then pay for his flight to Germany. Sounds logical.

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    In any case, I tried talking to my Mom. But there is absolutely no point. She appears to believe everything these fuckheads tell her. Now she explains that "she is to blame" because she wasn't "in court" when the "judge asked everyone in the room, whether they had something to say in David's defense". I think she really believes that. I find that scary.

    She gave me a name of a "doctor" who is "treating" D and who is "looking out for him". I sent an e-mail to the Manitoba College of Physicians and they had no record of him. Surprise, surprise. I checked their database for doctors and there is no record of his name or similarly-spelled names. Once again, quelle surprise.

    I have been thinking about writing an e-mail to the fraud department/detectives of the RCMP. At least, I checked out their website but didn't send the mail yet. Finally, my question:

    Do you think I should pursue this or should I just let it go?

    I find it absolutely appalling what my brother and his "colleagues" have done to my parents and the fact that they've cheated them out of thousands of dollars.

    On the other hand, my Mother is "absolutely convinced" that my brother "has nothing to do with this". I see that differently. The conviction on the stamp thing was also, of course, not D's fault. My Mom is to blame, because "she got him the wrong lawyer". They are so fucking mentally ill. And another funny thing is that my Dad, in the words of my Mother senile ("he's losing it"), makes the most sane impression from the both of them.

    I am convinced he is part of the scam. If I pursue it, chances are my mother will hate me for it and my brother will end up in more shit. But I think he deserves that.

    I would appreciate your opinion because I don't know what I should do.



    Question 33 cup size dilemma

    Dear Seed -
    Please explain:

    I went out with someone for two years. When we first got together he was still getting over his ex, I only found out that later on.

    From the start it was about my appearance ie: not sexy enough not wearing short skirt.

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    Then boob s not big enough Etc…

    Money issue. My ex ‘s company not doing well so was helping him financially a lot.

    A month ago after leaving me to go off with his mum and bro to far east for a friends wedding (was not asked to come) he returned to saw for one night whereby he brought back a pearl necklace which I have returned.

    He dumps me on phone next day cause I was not making him happy, not sexy enough no boob job not staying much at his so he can see what it is like to live with me before he asks me to marry him .

    I get an email a few days later asking me to confirm if I want to stay friends?

    Which I declined,

    Please help me understand what to do?

    Lost in the east.

    Ps. he is still in touch with his ex whom he dated for about 6-month. I am his longest relationship.

    Thank you

    Question 34 my husband wanted a innie…

    Dear Seed

    I am a single parent in turmoil. I have been on my own now for 10 years I have had the occasional short term relationships, but the past always comes back to haunt me.

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    I was married for 5 years, 4 years into my marriage I found out my husband was a transsexual (he wanted to be a woman). He told me whenever we had sex he imagined that he was the woman and what he was doing was being done to him. By the time we had separated I was left feeling worthless infeminate failure plus a whole load of other emotions.

    As a consequence of the way he left me feeling, as soon as someone showed me the slightest bit of attention I went for it no matter how inappropriate it was. I ended up having an affair with my sister’s boyfriend.

    I really want to get back into dating again and have a good relationship but I worry that this will make them run a mile plus when should I tell them. Too soon and they will head for the hills to late and they will think I have deceived them. I could go on but I think this should give you an idea of my problem.

    Can u please help?

    Not equipped properly for hubby’s desires.

    Question 16 Bosom blues continuing banter…

    Hey CSD

    Just wanted to ask you a couple of questions:

    How did you hear about Ask Seed?

    Where in the World are you?


    Hello seed,

    I heard about Ask Seed from Seed’s Sketchy Relationship Theories. He mentioned the website a couple of times. ;)

    I live in Edmonton, Alberta. Canadian girl through and through.

    I sent a little pic of myself in the hopes to see what the fuck the seed looks like.

    I’ve read your whole book; I think I have the right.

    “I'm individually optimistic, yet, globally pessimistic.”

    – that’s so good, it’s my new favourite quote.

    Take care



    I haven't forgotten about you. I will have a riveting answer for you shortly. Life has been hectic. TV appearance - newspaper articles (mine) - etc, etc.

    I promise I will get back with an answer soon.


    Hey seed,

    Well, well, aren’t you the busy beaver? That’s great – keep selling yourself, your a great product. I’ve already booked a date for surgery. (Jan. 17) but I still pine for this promised riveting answer. Get back to me whenever you can.

    I wish you a very merry non-denominational type holiday.

    Fuck that- MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!


    ps. which paper do you right for?

    Question 35 questioning faith

    Hello Seed,

    Did u ever believes or thinks of faiths at all? do u think the person gives too much to the person they loved to deserved to be abandon at all?.

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    I had asked u these questions because I had experienced in an bad break-up situation with my ex-boyfriend around last month ago I was upset emotionally also cannot believed he changed his heart to me so fast he gives me happiness and hopes for one year then he had change his heart in loving me I did my best to him but, he never appreciates me of what I had given to him he haven't admired of who I am too I feel disappointed to him before I dunno what to do but, now I know what to do in my life now I had recently your read your book called "Seed's Sketchy Relationships Theories A Guide To The Perils of Dating" I agree some of the saying in this book and I do really start liking of this book too.

    Anyway, that's about it do hope u can answer my questions and can give me some good advices that I haven't know about take care.


    Heart huts bad

    Question 36 stray dog

    Dear Seed ,

    My husband and I married for 20 years and has a very nice 16 years daughter whom we both love very much. 2 years ago, he started to form a very close friendship (just short of sleeping together) with a lady friend whom he shared artistic creativity in the same work environment. I found out 12 months after their relationship through his e-mail and confronted him straight away.

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    prison art

    He was very honest about it and said both of them have already talked about not getting any closer to each other because they both want to stay with their marriage. I panicked and changed my routine, spending more time with him, arranging camping and fishing trips which we both like.

    However, I felt he was getting a little more distance all the time. I started to feel anxious and worry about what is in his mind, also worry about this lady friend is still working in the same locations and that they still had frequent contact and sharing professionally as they clearly wanted to stay that way. All he could tell me was he felt disconnected with me and that we should give each other time and there was absolutely nothing going on between him and her.

    He came home every day after work as usual but we were getting more and more silence to each other especially when I wanted to talk about us I burst into tears and he could not talk to me.

    Another 6 months gone, there were more tears and silence but I still did not know what was exactly going on. He mentioned a few times that he wanted to stay on his own for a while, I asked him not to, I was so scare to lose him, and I moved to another room instead, thinking giving each other some space might help. Eventually he went to counseling, I though this might cast a little light to our situation - but he was doing it sort his own mind out and had no intention to mend our relationship. Counseling has helped him to tell me the truth that he has always felt strongly for her and her for him and that they did try to pull away from each other but failed, and that the physical side is very little but mentally they are so connected that he could not get her out of his mind.

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    I just couldn't believe and accept that he can just leave me after being together for 26 years, and I've never stopped loving him - I thought I was a lucky woman, has my career, lovely daughter and a husband that I love. Asked what was wrong with our relationship, he said " we are very different people you know ", " you relate to the environment very different to me", " you're not interested in language and make the same mistake all the time and it start to annoy me " etc.

    To be honest, after 20 years of marriage although love him very much, we had probably got a bit slack in making an effort to make our life more exciting - however, I thought if there is problem, you work on it and build stronger relationship - our marriage has never had that chance because he choose to a more stimulating connection. He couldn't tell me for a long time because he knew it would hurt me very much, but once he decided to leave me he got quite cold.
    He finally moved out to his work space 3 weeks ago - my life has just collapsed in front of me. I'm struggling at work and have no desire for anything. I'm 46 years old and am so scare to join all the woman I know that are still alone after their marriage break up. I have always hope that he may come back home, that hope has been shattered when he told me he does not love me any more, although he care a lot about me (great!).

    He has been keeping very close contact with our daughter and spend time with her and take her to after school activities . I went to see my daughter's concert with him last week and I was glad we did that for her. I still love him and miss him very much but I'm resisting seeing him alone - we are just doing the family thing.

    Tomorrow he will come to have a meal with us and my daughter is baking a cake for his birthday.

    I know he is going away next weekend, 99% sure going with her (forgot to mention she has just broke up with her husband of 16 years, so she is totally available now that my husband is separated).

    To try not to think about that is the hardest thing in the world. I've enrolled art course and doing some physical activities to try to kill time, but the pain is not going away, the hole in my heart seems getting bigger.

    Please help me get out of it.

    Ling Ling

    Question 37 just plain drunk

    Dear Seed

    Image Hosting by

    welcome to hell

    I have come up with the exception to your but. I love him but he has an alcohol problem which he keeps going back to. It makes him incredibly selfish and despite changing myself to the point that i might be an alien it does not make any difference.

    what would you advise?

    fed up

    Question 38 a bit of an odd question

    Dear Ask Seed,

    I am a teenager from England in desperate need of some advice. This is a SERIOUS question Can you help me???

    It's just.....about 4 years ago now my Grandmother of whom I was VERY close to died. I still am finding it difficult to come to terms with ....and I have a few questions that I really need help with.

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    It's just I feel like I need to say goodbye out loud or write a poem or a letter and read it out to her...but I feel like I need to be at her grave (she was cremated people have graves) or just where she was cremated. But if i say goodbye to her at the crematorium people will stare at me won't they?? What can I do? How can I say goodbye to her? My mum wouldn't let me go to her funeral....I really wish I had been allowed to go as I needed to say goobye. Do you have any ideas obout how I could say goodbye to her??

    Also this might sound like a bit of an odd question but: I missed practiacally all of my secondary education due to circumstances in my life...therefore I don't really understand about religion.
    My question is: What does The Bible/Christianity say Heaven is like? Also (you may think this is a stupid question but...) do they give a good all-round general education in Religion in school (sorry if this is an obvious question...i just needed to be sure of how much I have missed).

    Please help!!!!!!!! Also are the ashes of the cremated buried at a crematorium or scattered...if scattered then where e.g. a friend told me rose bushes :( ????

    Also (this is probably going to sound like a VERY strange question) but when Grandma was around she used to buy me lots of videos (especially Disney type ones) and I just wondered (i know i'm too old for them really but.....) would it have been insulting to her memory if I'd continued to watch this type of film after her death. Also....she bought me a lot of model horses/toys. What is the right thing to do with these? should I keep them or throw them away? After her death I stopped playing with them ...would it have been insulting to her memory to have continued playing with them after her death??? i just needed to ask. Please could you offer me any advice as I still REALLY miss her and feel like I can't move on. just i just don't know what to do anymore.


    we had made so many plans of stuff we'd do together and i had made so many dreams of things i'd do in the future (with her by my side). but now she's dead i just don't know what to do.

    Should I carry on with these dreams/plans/ambitions i'd made when she was alive and had planned to do together, .......or should i give up on them now she's dead and find some new dreams instead. Do you t hink it would be insulting to her memory to just carry on with these dreams.......only now without her? Do you think she'd be offended?

    What should I do? i just don't know what the right thing to do is. Is the right thing to do to give up on all these dreams/plans that we had planned to do TOGETHER now that she's dead????
    can you offer me any advice please? Pleas could you reply

    From Lost in the Queens England


    Question 39 slippery slope

    Dear Seed,

    I am very confused at the moment- I love my boyfriend but two years ago he was convicted of a sex offense. Even writing these words hurts me. I never believed he would go to prison for it but he did.

    He told me he was innocent. He was caught with under age porn only five but it was enough to get six months prison sentence and 7 years on the register and three years probation, I was totally in love with him and stood by him against everybody advice.

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    nature fights back

    It hurt me a lot, when he went to prison he left me with all his debts and problems and I felt so isolated and alone I had no 'one to turn too. Everyone judged me including myself. Work found out and I had to leave my job. I was 24 years old with over 60000 pound worth of debts to contend with and expensive rent and then trying to visit miles away from my home. I kept this going and stood by him.

    Then he came home and I fell apart. I couldn't cope any more and went into a massive depression, I had been raped when I was 15 and had just had an abortion when I met my partner and all this came back, I couldn't cope with his crime people kept telling me I couldn't trust this man, once a sex offender always a sex offender. Who could I trust. We started arguing every day. He promised he would fight for a mis-carriage of justice but he didn't I felt cheated.

    I can't get over what has happened I feel let down by him and the police and every body. I feel I can't trust any one he promised to get this re assessed at court. He was convicted for being reckless while down loading images. So why not fight this. He says has wants to forget about this, but I can't.

    We can't just have children now social services will guarantee to get involve wand have there say, he has lost countless jobs over this and I can't get close to anyone else incase they find out. I feel dirty and alone an outcast. I feel shame and get stressed out every month when he has to go to probation. For some reason I am convinced they might try and take him away again. I am scared of the kind of depression I have felt in the past and what it might make me do.

    I feel dependent on him and don't think I could cope alone, I have tried counselling and she gave up on me in the end, she wanted me to leave him, but I can't do that, no 'one understands.

    I love him more than he loves me I know this for a fact, he is more educated than me and earns more money, so he has more confidence.

    But he is the kindest person I have ever met. Its a nightmare situation because if it wasn't for this we would be so happy, yes skint but I don't care about that so much, I care about this conviction and our chance to have children.

    I am scared for the future I feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall some times I just want to scream.

    I am 25 and I have high blood pressure for two years now. what should I do how can I make him listen to me?

    Please don't reveal my name?

    messed up girl.

    Question 40 uprooting

    Hi seed team,

    So, I have a question for you all. I don't know how controversial it is, but it's something I'd value an outside opinion on.

    My fiancee and I have known each other for about 2 years, and have been dating for 1 year. 6 months of that have been long distance, she moved here from the east coast (of the USA) to be together. So naturally, there is a lot of adjusting, settling in, and becoming comfortable to be done, and for both of us.

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    back at you

    Fortunately we talk a lot, and we talk about everything together. She's very shy, and very quiet by nature. We love each other to bits, and I can't imagine not being together; she feels the same. I do worry sometimes, though, about her getting used to living here and not really knowing people and having friends of her own. It's been a stressful time, especially in the beginning. Naturally, being from the states, she is unable to work until we're married and have completed our paperwork, and I know this affects how she feels about really feeling settled and rooted here.

    I'm a bit of a worrier, and I think I'm worrying now. Whenever we've discussed her feelings about living here and settling in, and making her own friends and social network she is less worried than I. She gets on well with my friends, and my parents, but they have commented that they are not sure how she feels about them - if she's comfortable and enjoys being around them. I know she does, and she says so, but it's true that she is pretty quiet around them, just as she's pretty quiet with my friends too. I don't like to bering it up too much, or make too big a deal of it - the last thing I want to do is make her feel awkward or somehow guilty, but I would not mind a fresh opinion, I think!



    taking you home

    Remember: If you’d like us to take a shot at your life dilemmas, send your queries to Bye for now. Say no to global warming. And, racism. And, while you’re at it: be good to each other.

    many hugs

    seed enterprises

    Sunday, September 30, 2007

    Question 29: Just an observation!

    Question 29: Just an observation!

    Hi Seed

    You hang out here, leaving us with your articles, yes, it is intriguing, but it's odd, because you seem to have your life so together and don't need support from us...

    Just curious why you are here?

    You don't seem like a broken man with a broken heart.


    Skeptical Suzy

    Dear Skeptical

    I actually wrote the reply to this question about a year ago, however, since I was so far behind in the question queue I never got around to posting it. Which happened to be a good thing.


    Cause my original reply was crap. I was wallowing too much and my sentiment, though sincere, was nothing more than a load of sentimental rubbish, drivel so to speak. My angst and personality did not shine through. And frankly, with tarnished angst, what good am I to anyone, including myself?

    Exactly… I’m glad you agree.

    First off, bear with me as I skew the first part of your question, hang out here --- intriguing --- odd --- life together --- don’t need support… are you not being a tad presumptuous? Well, aren’t you?
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    I’m so angry with you right now… I … I … I could rant, but I won’t, for the most part I’m not wired that way. I do rant, but for the most part (again), I keep it together, I collect my misery and put it in a big misery jar, poke one hole in the top of the jar, so it can breath, and every now and then I pull it out of the cupboard to remind myself that life can, pardon me, fucking suck… Next, I reach for the peanut butter, I go to spread some on a cracker, luckily I realize, it’s expired. A lesson for us all: Peanut Butter has an expiry date and it’s a bitch to expel rancid peanut butter… now spit… Damn it! It won’t come out… pass me the tequila…

    Does the following paragraph sound like someone “who’s got their life together?” Well, does it?

    Why am I here?

    So me and Euro Seed can get rich off of your misery?

    Nah… that’s a lie?

    The short answer:

    To share crap. Followed by blunt opinions on why it is a waste of time to wallow in pain when you still have a life to live… including me… I’ve still got some living to do… and if I’m too busy spinning in the past, what a waste, which will turn into a sour and sad story, eventually leading to… solitude.

    Solitude sucks! It’s kind of selfish. Don’t you think?

    You see, my crap, your crap, everybody here’s (been dumped and the world) crap, isn’t worth the time to beat you down… I know when I say that a whole bunch of readers immediately get defensive and their undies bunch up and their ire rises… what’s ire? Strong anger (literally).

    Their blood begins to curdle, they may claim: I’m self righteous, have no business sharing my views, and I just don’t understand, my situation is different!

    Stir it up with a dash of sarcasm: PLEASE!

    Here, the website you refer to me hanging out in, is a great place for people to realize that they are not alone… That others are experiencing pain and suffering, too. To share stories and experiences, and then, to move on a bit stronger.

    Those are the upsides. Another upside I almost scathed past… those who come to the site and share their experiences and hurt --- most of them grow and learn from the heartache. The ones who inflicted the pain --- usually, just perpetuate the cycle, making the world a touch more intolerable. There are of course, exceptions. Bitter people have a tendency of trying to highlight the exceptions, instead of focusing on the road to better. Misery becomes their moniker.


    The downside to visiting, Here, the website, if the stay is for too long you risk being guilty of enjoying the heartache or looking for someone to agree with why you deserve to be in pain. The longer the visit, the greater risk of becoming terminal and flawed.

    Harsh (again)?

    But my experiences are different. You just don’t understand?

    Although experiences are uniquely individual, and sole property of the rightful owner of the pain pony, not to be diminished by dear friends or counselors, on a grander scale, they’ve likely been experienced by someone else before. Of course (again), their may be the odd exception… if you happen to be one: SHUT UP!

    Am I heading far off tangent?

    Don’t know, I’m writing this on the fly, the only way I know how, therefore, like me, you’ll have to wait and see where this journey takes us…

    The journey:

    Time to share experience.

    There once was this cute little boy, no more than five years old. He’d was lost for his first five years of life --- roaming solo trying to find his place in this big scary world.

    His birth --- a secret. His Mother was whisked away to a dark room on a bright sunny July day… and when he finally came out into the light of the never ending darkness, the doctor in a remorseful tone stated, “He’s alive… what do you want to do with the evidence?”

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    The doctor turned to this boys mother, asking, “Would you like to hold your son?”

    She turned away and the boy was removed from her sight. She was twenty-three at the time, had planned a vacation in a couple of weeks, and couldn’t be bothered, burdened.

    Where did the boy go?

    Wandering in confusion. Lucky for him… he didn’t know what was happening… and he hadn’t bought into the bond between mother and son propaganda. Or the formative years --- form the future, bullshit.

    After his first five years on Planet Earth and being passed around like a hot potato (translation: his whereabouts were unknown), obligation deposited him in a home, a large home, six others, three girls, three boys. He’d play the role of the seventh. As for his Mother, she hung in the shadows, reminding him constantly of the hurt he brought her by being born.

    Oblivious to meaning, this young man started playing for attention. “Look at me” he’d shout. Nobody was looking. “I’m over here” he’d bellow. The room was empty… he didn’t know better.
    A voice echoed above him… “You’ll never amount to much. Your brothers are better than you.” The voice was on a continuous loop. He was still only five. The boy knew no better… he just took it all in and tried to remain unaffected. He failed… just like his mother told him he would.

    The boy sauntered, strolled, and then strutted through life, confused, but not knowing better. He developed personality and wit. Scored a helping of popularity. Walked head held high, directionless.

    As his journey continued he experienced stints of success with everything he touched, sports, school, friendship, he’d shout out…“LOOK OVER HERE. LOOK AT ME. I’M doing good, aren’t I?” His family had left the room. His voice echoed, silently.

    “Dad please quit smoking. Mom you, too. Why did you have me at your ages? Hold me. Come to my games.”

    They quit… but they didn’t hold him or go to his games, they were too tired.

    Sickness visited… first Dad. On and off for ten years. Cancer paid a visit. Over five years of hospital visits were on his agenda, everyday, as the youngest of seven, the hospital became his second home, his responsibility as the rest of the family had long moved away. He was still only a teenager at the time.

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    Up and down the roller coaster went. The hospital visits were excruciating. His twenty-fifth birthday came, he remembered the doctor, “He’s alive” and celebrated anyway. The following day he took is Mother and one of his older Brothers to the hospital… his father was fading.

    Upon arrival they were escorted to his Fathers room and the moment his Mothers hand touched his Fathers, his Dads eyes went vacant --- and life left his fathers body. A memory he captured. He wanted to collapse, his role was to fake strong.

    Less than a year later the shadows cast by his Mother became darker. Cancer again. Another year of hospital visits and forced talk. It destroyed him. Two weeks before Christmas, a bright patch, Mom was sent home… things were looking up. They weren’t.

    On the steps of his home, on the way back to the hospital, she looked at him with painful eyes, and said, “I’m never going be home again, am I?” He lied.

    Four days later he watched her die. He wanted to crumble. The shadow didn’t lift. He went out that night with friends. His family rolled into town.

    When he returned home the next morning, his oldest sister who had just arrived, hugged him, and said, “Mom’s gone.” Next, she broke the embrace, removed the emotion, and asked him to stay elsewhere as they needed his room for the relatives… she had just come in from out of town, she didn’t live in the house, he did. He obliged, anyway.

    Years past, eighteen to be precise. He’d gone through life with moments of success, garnered some popularity, developed a rapier like wit, with good, yet subjective looks, he had the odd love dalliance, all without direction. Although obligation was removed --- something was missing.

    Then he found love. True?

    It was questionable, however, he was swallowed by content.

    The love was fleeting, “We’re done…” was uttered. “… you’re a great guy, I want to continue living with you.”

    Blindly, he allowed it.

    The end of love put into motion a series of events. Over a period of two months: a friend uttered: “My life sucks.” He hugged is friend. His friend repeated those words, walked away, and hung himself.

    Another friend was paid a visit by Cancer.

    His closest relative, Aunt Priscilla, called, and told him: “I may be dying.”

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    Less than a month later, she died. He asked for hugs from his ex, he was met with, “I’m moving on.”

    He needed to open the door and kick… he needed hugs. Friends said, “You don’t seem to be as fun as you used to be, you’ve changed.”

    Relatives turned away, because he wouldn’t come watch his Aunt die.

    Three days after his Aunts death, his sisters called, his last remaining Uncle passed away, unexpectedly, the night before. He cried. He’d been crying everyday… He could literally cry on a dime, so to speak.

    Misery, misery, misery…relentless.

    It was time for him to escape. Europe?


    As he walked to the Passport Office the shadow had expanded and even on the brightest day the shadow was exterminating hope. “You need a new Birth Certificate before we can issue you a passport.” He was told.

    “How long?”

    “It’ll only take a couple of days.”

    Two weeks later and a call to vital stats. “I need my Birth Certificate… What do you mean my records don’t match yours? What do you need?”

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    Without emotion, blank, a plain white sheet, the civil servant queried: “Could you phone your parents and ask them who your real parents are?”

    Tears blasting. “What?”
    When he told his Brothers/Sisters that he knew the truth and was beginning to understand things about his... the phone was hung up and they haven't spoken to him since... it's been over three years and counting.

    Fast-forward, shadow still lingering, Mom and Dad came back to life. Dad --- a stranger. Mom --- devastating.

    Reality revealed: The man, still a boy in many ways, had become an outsider in his life and as for family, he was no longer a card carrying member. He’d been left on his own to sort it all out, assign meaning, and learn to cope.

    Fast-forward some more, flip charts now being used to understand who’s what? Brothers --- now Uncles. Sisters ---- now Aunts… and flip, flip, flip… Anyway, a Niece --- now a Cousin, recently informed him his mother, still in the shadows, is dying. She still won’t admit to being his Mother. Scars run deep.

    As for his father: he spoke to him for the first time two years ago. Can you imagine saying, “Hi” to your Father for the first time eighteen years after you watched him take his last breath?
    I can’t.

    Present day: He’s going to be meeting his now seventy-two year old father for the first time in the near future… and he still has to come to terms with his Mother’s pending (second) death.

    The boy, has to remain strong, if not, it’ll be nothing more than a tragic sad story immersed in misery. If that’s the case, what a waste…

    The boy… his story above only scratches the surface. It’s time to press play!
    Side bar: during the journey, in his adult life, he’s had thirteen surgeries which all required a general anesthetic and hospital stays. And amazingly, the surgeries are only a side bar to his life. So is his blind eye, a side bar, that is.

    end of experience sharing.

    Why share?

    Although not a competition, life has been unrelenting, therefore, I share because I’ve developed a tremendous understanding of, exception. Everybody has a unique journey and I know that the broken hearted want to scream out: I’m different. Look at me. Understand. He did this. She did that. I need the pain. I have children. My life has lost… and on and on and on, forever more.

    My having life together is nothing more than an illusion created by need. I have to keep up the fa├žade if I want to help others, if not, we can just focus on the crap and never move toward happy. We all risk being trapped and defined by one traumatic event. I am. I don’t want to be. So, I resist. I don’t want it to be the last story I tell, on a continuous loop. Futile?

    I hope not.

    As for support from?

    My support from “us”: Comes in sharing, and trying to bring the odd smile to… it’s sincere. I don’t understand a lot of individual situations entirely, I can’t, I have no reference. Such as: I’m not a woman, I don’t have children, my husband never left me, etcetera, etcetera…

    But I do posses and ample amount of experience, life and otherwise, actually, just life, I’m not so sure what otherwise would entail?

    And from life I’ve come to one conclusion: Regardless of whatever garbage is dished your way, it will do you absolutely no good to wallow… you may linger for a bit, but that’s it… if you can’t get unstuck by yourself, seek out the help of a professional. And most important, realize, whatever trauma has come your way, it likely wasn’t your fault, and if by chance it was, quit trying to erase your guilt by a vein attempt at winning back what you cast to the side.

    Wallowing in misery is a trap, if you wallow a day, a week, a year or forever more, the end result at the end will be the same --- you can never return to where you’ve come from so ultimately: there is no point in wallowing for too long.

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    “But you don’t understand…”

    If your sticking to that: GOOD LUCK! I hope you prove to be the exception.

    Skeptical, I’m here because, as corny as this sounds, “Here” came to me.

    Lastly, my heart has been broken on numerous occasions, I just choose to patch it, cope with the pain and store it somewhere in the cupboard, next to the Peanut Butter, as a reminder of life, and then I venture out into the world, smile, and try to share my smile with others.

    At the end of the day the only one who can truly help me is: ME.

    Others can share the warmth of an embrace and the brightness of hope emanating from their eyes.

    Embrace life and try to be happy.

    Heartache has a place --- just don’t let it linger. Never ending pain, ridiculous, like Peanut Butter, pain needs to expire.
    Remember you asked

    the seed

    P.S. Skeptical, the answer is not directed to your experiences… I’m just incapable of not rambling. I hope you enjoyed!

    Sunday, September 23, 2007

    Question 28 The Sixth Sense

    Question 28 The Sixth Sense

    Hi Seed

    Good morning,

    Do you believe in the sixth sense? I do. You know, when you get a feeling and you know it is more than fact.

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    scary monster
    artistic credit: Christian, 4 years old, who was at the next table in a restaurant.

    Here is what I want to ask you.

    There is someone that I have had a relationship with since July. Only through the internet. We have both agreed that we more than like each other and love is part of our vocabulary now. He has left on holiday for a week. We said our goodbyes on Wednesday evening and he told me sweet nothings and that we would be together and chat on December 3rd when he returns.

    Thursday (Thanksgiving) afternoon I go to friends and have dinner. I return home at around 6pm. So I get my comfies on and go to my office to check email. Of course I know there will not be any from "HIM" but you know......wishful thinking. Just as I get ready to turn off my computer I decide to come here @ been dumped. My heart dropped................"HE" was here. He was here one half hour after he arrived to an international country where he is on holiday.

    Seed..........remember I told you about the sixth sense?

    What I am feeling right now makes me sick to my stomach. What is your take on this?

    This is where I met him. We no longer chat here. We chat in AOL.


    I see many, many things. No, really, I do. Everywhere. They’re following me.

    Dear I see things. Many things.

    Good morning to you, too. Or shall I say: good late afternoon many months later. Sorry about that --- life has been relentless, I’d like to say consistent, but that would be a lie.

    Do I believe in the Sixth Sense?

    Before I share my views on having an extra ability to observe on a different plane, level of awareness, a land of funky movie music, let’s back step for a moment: what are the first Five Senses?

    “Kitties, extra terrestrials, eye lasers, stronger orgasms and extendable penises.”

    No. Who the hell are you? And, what’ve you been smoking?
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    The first Five: touch (petting kitties), sight (the ability to recognize creepy aliens, and shoot lasers out of your eyes), hearing (what?), smell, and taste. The Sixth, is something more, something that allows us to perceive the unperceivable without the aid of the original Six.

    Extrapolating a bit more:

    From the pages screen of Wickepedia my computer!

    Extra-Sensory Perception (ESP) is defined as ability to acquire information by paranormal means independent of any known physical senses or deduction from previous experience. The term was coined by Duke University researcher J. B. Rhine to denote psychic abilities such as telepathy, precognition and clairvoyance. ESP is also sometimes casually referred to as a sixth sense. The term implies sources of information currently unexplained by science.

    Types of ESP

    Many different, or seemingly different, types of ESP have been described:
    1. Clairvoyance and remote viewing, the Paranormal perception of people, places or events by means other than the normal senses.
    2. Precognition, or retrocognition, the perception of other times via. This is usually considered to be the same as clairvoyance, except that the perception travels through time.
    3. Abilities such as Aura reading and medical intuition, the perception of aspects of others which most people cannot perceive.
    4. psychometry, clairvoyance, clairaudience, clairsentience, clairalience and clairgustance, the perception of aspects of things which most people cannot perceive, by means other than the normal senses.
    5. Telepathy, the ability to sense communications from and/or communicate with people by means other than the normal senses.
    6. Out-of-body experiences (also called spirit walking and astral projection), when used to perceive environments by means other than the normal senses.
    7. Mediumship, the ability to communicate with the spirits of persons or animals who have died. Mediumship may also include other paranormal abilities.
    8. The scientific study of paranormal phenomena such as ESP is called parapsychology, and includes other phenomena such as and reincarnation, near-death experiences, and psychokinesis. It is highly controversial whether ESP abilities exists, and if so which abilities are real.

    --- the above education has been brought to you courtesy of Wickepedia.
    Thanks Wickepedia!

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    Normally I would’ve come up with my own original ramble, however, I was feeling a bit off, you see, recently, moments ago, online, while doing some research on chat rooms, I was called… a slut, actually… you look like a slut was the exact statement. I don’t. Do I?

    Can men look like sluts?

    Yes you say… well, then, I must defend myself to the utmost, my Sixth, Seventh, all the way to my Twelfth, yet to be discovered sense, are all indicating without impunity, that, no, I just dress well, and sometimes my… personality shines through. I have a pretty sizeable personality… if the right strength reading or magnifying glasses are used.

    As for Sixth Sense --- hell yes. Grab a seat and a gin… as I was educating (see above) and rambling (see above)… you know, my chat line research, you see (again), I hadn’t read your question, yet, except for the first couple of lines, and somehow, magically, I started a diatribe on chatting online. And, then, more magic added, I read the rest of your question and came to your experiences on online romance… hence, my Sixth Sense was kicking into gear at a heightened level, so high that falling could be fatal. Hence (again), I think without impunity, this proves the existence of extra neato’ cool stuff going on, at least, in my overstuffed head…and personality filled pants if the right angle is used.

    Hold on… oh my… I think I’m having an out-of-body experience… no, false alarm, I just stood up too fast.

    Composure collected, it’s time for me to use some of my clairgustance to tackle your dilemma. I understand that since your dilemma was on the dilemma table last year, not this, you might have already come to a conclusion on what this bastards actions, actually meant.

    Mmm… your situation seems to taste a little of chicken.

    Okay, maybe clairgustance is not the right sense to use… I’ll just wing my opinion, instead, with some help from a little clairaudience --- those wonderful ‘little voices’ in my… I’m now getting comfy in my ‘channeling’ chair with my ‘channeling’ tonics… give me a second…putting on my ‘channeling’ undies… grabbed the remote… okay, here I go.


    Be forewarned that the following are the opinions of me, when I’m in my comfy chair, wearing my comfy undies, and the opinions of: select entities, realms, deities, spirit guides, and Oprah. The opinions do not, or are not to be confused with the opinions of mere mortals who are not in touch with themselves, or Skippy (an expelled spirit guide who periodically likes to fuck with people). No illicit or illegal substances were used in getting in touch with my personality or other realms.

    end of forewarning.

    As an at times lost and intrepid soul, I often use myself as a case study to gain reference to how the world is operating. After some painstaking stroking, key, that is, it has become time to be blunt, if not brutally honest, a relationship since July --- only online --- love is now part of the vocabulary --- sweet nothings, I’m sorry to say this guy is likely an ass, perhaps even worse, I can’t judge that. If I had to --- I’d have to say I see borderline predator. I assure you it doesn’t give me pleasure typing that opinion.

    Why do I think that way, you may ask?

    My spirit guides have told me that, and:
    1. He dropped a line and was phishing for ____ on a website (been dumped) where lost souls go to heal, share heartbreak, and hopefully be extended an olive branch. This fucker knows you’re vulnerable and plays upon that with his sweet nothings, therefore, I can’t emphasize lowlife fucker enough.
    2. And, this may sting a little. I suggest getting some ointment. Sweetie, you had nothing --- for five months. The virtual world doesn’t really exist. Like said, you were vulnerable and this man was aware of that and played you. Virtual is easy. Virtual is dangerous. Probably more so than the flesh world. Your new flame can hide behind his keyboard and pretend to be anyone he likes. If he happens to have a proficiency with words he can even pull off charming. Virtual is full of promises --- that are never kept, and that is likely a good thing. You disagree… let me explain: If we meet in person in a matter of minutes we can determine, use all Sixth Senses to determine whether or not we have a future and potential for intimacy. That doesn’t mean we’ll act on that potential, it just means we can see the possibilities. Maybe friendship is the best path for us to take --- to be decided over, coffee, dinner, and maybe drinks if we feel safe and comfortable enough. Translation: have determined that each of us are not some sort of deranged… The virtual world, well, that is a whole other ballgame. I do research by chatting in space, like many. Most I’ve encountered are trolling for sex, however, as they troll, they lie repeatedly about who they are and what they have to offer, and about, basically anything they can to make them seem desirable. The blessing of virtual: it usually fizzles out at the potential meeting point as all of the lies come to the stage and therefore, meeting is usually the last desire of those who linger there looking for pray and validation. As said, a good thing. Where it can get tricky: If the phisher is so delusional that, “It’s not a lie if you believe it yourself, Jerry” --- and still chooses to meet, hoping for desperation and a romp in the hay, nothing more. And frankly, if someone is so delusional to still meet when he’s five foot three, Chinese, portly, and missing a limb, when he told you that he’s a six foot tall, firefighter, and a strapping footballer… he’s dangerous. (the above scenario happened to a friend).
    3. Extending on the limitations of virtual: Virtual can be a great tool for an initial contact, a hello, perhaps, a place to drum up some commonality. Again, nothing more. The longer virtual remains fleshless, the likelihood of it being nothing more than a fantasy increases exponentially. Translation: If I meet someone online and the sparks begin to fly, we’ve got to meet sooner than later, as later will only result in a let down. It’s easier to share information online and the longer the parties involved hide behind insecurity, past heartache, and keystrokes, the more likelihood that one of them will share too much and the other will be fuelled with information to play a mean game with one quest in mind, sex.
    4. I want you to sit down and hold your hands, that’s right, your own hands, it’s nearly impossible to lie to yourself when your holding your own hands. At least that’s what my father who’s come back to life has told me (long story). Get into your comfy clothes if you wish. Good! There is a one-in-a-billion chance that Prince Virtual Charming, is a good man. More than likely he hasn’t evolved much past pubescence, and needs to stroke his fragile ego by pretending to be something he’s not. Sweetie, you got lucky that his true colors shown through. A product of virtual is the game --- nothing more. It doesn’t matter whether it is a dating site or a friendship site, the goal for most is conquests, how many friends/lovers one can amass is some sort of sign of superiority. It’s been created by the Facebook/Myspace phenomena, and we’ve all bought in and are turning into obedient little “bah” sheep. Love and friendship used to go through a process over a period of time where rejection, though it hurt, was often a product of growing in different directions. Now, click --- friendship, click --- romance. Click, click --- rejection, rejection… and again the pieces of broken hearts are scattered around for all to see. In my opinion: virtual serves a purpose, barely, and in reality is a by product of a broken society where love and friendship has lost value with each stroke.
    And now for the Olive Branch!

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    Warning: The first part of the branch may be a bit prickly.

    As long as you’re spending time sharing your hurt with others you’re not really ready to extend your heart, you may still be too needy, with some things to work through, put in a tolerable place to only be visited on the rare occasion when they’re manageable. Or get some counseling --- if the struggle to happy again is too arduous to handle on your own.

    Pricks removed, Senses firing on all cylinders, and, in summation, and, in my humble opinion of course:
    • Sixth Sense --- I believe.
    • Your Relationship --- nothing more than keystrokes, idle chatter, with the odd touch of tenderness thrown in, by him, as a game. I’m sorry to say, Sweetie, his intentions lacked purity.
    • Wishful Thinking --- you’re better than that level of neediness, and, you deserve more.
    • Virtual Prince Charming --- nothing more than an ephemeral illusion. Take the kind words he shared as a reflection of your character, but understand his lack thereof, character that is, and erase him from your mind. The Virtual World is nothing more than a playground for the insecure and predators, that is if the relationship is based upon keystrokes. Argue if you must --- I guarantee that most sites are (been dumped excluded) are sites that pray on the human condition and the more people who buy in --- the richer the entrepreneurs who start them get… Virtual will certainly be diagnosed as another addiction soon, if it hasn’t already been.
    • Meeting --- IF! It won’t be for intimacy or romance, for the guy, it will be solely for sex. If we’re honest, that’s the end goal of all of our romantic dalliances, and, that’s okay. Sex is good. However, there are only a handful of guys, globally, who are using chat rooms or dating sites for anything else. If they tell you differently --- they’re lying. Think about it for a moment: for guys, it’s a candy shop, a war of attrition, without the investment of the flesh world. No dinners. No coffees. No desserts. Virtual is a place for lowlifes to hone the skill of manipulation with the goal of reaching fornication. And, any long-term virtual relationship, again, for the guy, is effortless. String along as many targets as possible and each one who falls for their deceptive charms… poof… you’re gone. After a quick romp of course --- and your heartache continues. Ask yourself: why wouldn’t the first meeting be about sex? You’ve just shared your whole life in six months with someone you “DON’T KNOW” what are you going to do on the first “flesh” date, tell your story again. Virtual risks ending relationships before they even start as it is much easier to type ones life than it is to speak it. And who wants to know the whole story of anyone else, anyway? Not before the relationship starts at least. Virtual is not the start unless your setting up a coffee date. If that doesn’t happen in the first few chats, run… and don’t look back!
    • Last Word --- share what you’ve learned with others. However, don’t linger too long where most are wallowing in misery… a short visit is okay, too long will only delay the coping. Step out, grab a coffee, and open your heart to the real world again.
    The road to friendship, the coffee shop, and human interaction has taken a dramatic turn. It may be smoother --- no need to change a flat. Unless your hard drive crashes and you’re forced to go to the store.

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    At least the boys/girls at GM and Ford, used elbow grease to create yesterdays, Impalas, and Gremlins. And sure, huge profits eventually came their way. But not without a ton of sweat.

    Today’s road to friendship starts with a few keystrokes and is paved with instant gold.

    Ask yourself: How many friends do you need to neglect at once?

    It used to take months, even years, to build friendships and then discard those who didn’t fit. It’s now, in the virtual world, instantaneous, with old friends reappearing --- only to be discarded for a second time. Perhaps, there was a reason they were called “old” friends?

    As for romance: it makes me ill also that people prey on the heartbroken, only to perpetuate the hurt.

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    I see many, many things. No, really, I do. Everywhere. They’re following me: Take solace, you have a strong, real, beating heart, and you deserve much better than virtual. You may not agree with all that I’ve shared, that’s okay, my intentions are pure. Just remember one last thing.

    Be Happy!

    You deserve to be.

    Remember you asked

    the seed

    Random: Photo Journey

    Random: Photo Journey








    NYC vs. Jersey


















    love boats



    going down the drain

    going down the drain