Moments of Appreciation

As much as Ask Seed is a place for us to practice our comedic chops, we do really care about people, the world and life in general. In that spirit, we try to avoid mincing words and once we get through our need to spill random thoughts, we sincerely try to give the best suggestions to your problems by sharing some of our experiences. We truly hope that our words help in some way. Even if that is the odd chuckle.

Every now and then we receive a message thanking us for our efforts. The thank you messages mean the world to us. The following is a message we received from our answer to Question 23 Selfish Narcissistic Bastard ‘Mon’. To read the original tidbits of advice just follow the link below.

http://askseed.blogspot.com/2006/05/question-23-selfish-narcissistic.html

We’ll even whisk you away to the tropics for a few moments in the sunshine.

Thank you Seed!!!

You are so right about the title, "Selfish narcissistic bastard" perfect description of my soon to be former husband and me.

"Rebuilding self-esteem". Excellent, and again, right on.

Thank you for understanding. Your very insightful, no wonder you write and take photos.

Guess what he did to me just last month?

Robbed my house, yes, broken in, smashed the back window, stole everything I loved. Now I am so out of here, taking my dog with cat before they end up dead, and moving far, far away from here, perhaps changing my name.

You can now add sociopath to narcissistic bastard.

If you pray, pray for me, that God keeps me safe until I am move.

Beautiful pictures of tulips, those are my favorite flowers. Perhaps I am a bulb, a tulip bulb....soon to be blossoming in the sun.

I am planning on moving to So Cal, perhaps Laguna Beach, somewhere warm near the water.

Thanks again.

Rebuilding Esteem

You’re Welcome!

Online love can be heaven or hell
by the seed

To continue on with the feel good theme, as you may or may not know Seed is a regular contributor to a Daily Commuter paper: 24 Hours Vancouver (readership 169,000). His articles have ranged from Dating to Chronic Drug Abuse to Speed Racing all the way back to Dating.

Let’s just say that he has a lot to say and somehow manages to hold it together for long enough stints to share his somewhat lucid thoughts to help ease the pain of the daily commute.

His most recent article: Online love can be heaven or hell, appeared in the June 1st edition. To read the article just follow the link below.

http://vancouver.24hrs.ca/Lifestyle/2006/06/01/1609038-sun.html

You like?

It’s good to have you back. Seed is only allowed 450 words and if you’ve been a regular reader of Ask Seed, I’m sure you understand how difficult the word restriction is on him. He has trouble saying hello in 450 words.

Hello, Bonjour, Olla, Ketchup, Poutine, Yummy…

Since this post is all about “giving the crew at seed enterprises a little sugar,” we’re happy to say we received some. The following is a reader comment that was published in the paper the day after the article. We like. Kind words make us happy.

I LAUGHED SO HARD while reading Lindsay Wincherauk’s column on the train today (24 hours, June 1). It is so right on the mark! Having experienced both the heaven and the hell of internet dating. I know exactly what Lindsay’s talking about. Thanks Lindsay!

-Kerstin Katzmann, via email.

If you’re wondering who this Lindsay guy may be - rumor has it - he may be the seed. It is however just a rumor.

Thanks Kerstin.

Now for a touch of Seed Levity

The following is an artists rendition (projection) on what Seed’s personal ad may look like if he was in the market for love.

Moniker

The Love Curator

The artist, Louis, believes this is likely the most recent picture seed would have in his collection. Louis also believes the photo is a strong indication of how the seed likely dresses today. Pretty damn snazzy.

Orientation

In the woods I like to use a compass. In the city I pretty much know my way around. When you give it some thought it’s not that tough, you’ve got A and B. If you want to get from A to B you walk in a straight line. Buildings may get in your way. If that happens, you have a couple of choices. If it’s a business, like a Shopping Mall, you can enter and continue walking in that straight line. If it is somebody’s home - I walk around it. And, if it is water, I usually use a bridge.

See, it’s not that difficult.

Profession

Fly girl, no that’s not it. Fly guy, no again. Aspiring author, entrepreneur, comic, photographer, krumper and curator.

Height/Weight

I’m a lot taller when I’m standing. I’m also taller when I’m surrounded by midgets, which is very rare. I seem to be a little taller than most people. How do I know? I cut my the top of my head shaving my head and nobody has commented on the cuts. As for weight. I’ll weight as long as it takes to find someone who I really like and want to kiss. That is: if they meet my Height/Weight and non-troll like requirements.

Dreams

Usually when I’m sleeping. Sometimes when I’m drinking - I’m not sure if those qualify as dreams. I sometimes dream when I’ve been out in the hot sun for 12 hours without water.

As for corny dreams: I actually want to make people smile and perhaps even make bit of a difference. Don’t you?

Looking for

I don’t mind nudity. Consensual of course. I’m not really a big fan of mass nudity though - that sort of creeps me out. I think people should save their naughty bits for the appropriate moments and not be so free with them. Everybody may be beautiful in some way, often though its not on the outside and if that’s the case keep it inside and show only those who love you. They’ll look once they’ve discovered your inner beauty. Before then you may blow the deal.

I’m honestly not looking. If I was, hmm, let me see, you’d have to be alive, that’s important. I’d like you to be pretty, to me. Which really has a wide range. I’d like you to be fit. I’d like you to be passionate about life. Most important, I’d like a connection that leads us to a land where our quiet moments are just as precious as all others and we reach a point where we know we’re better off together.

If I was looking: I wouldn’t be looking for someone who wants me to save them. You can save me if you’d like. Especially if I was drowning or in some other precarious situation. If you can’t swim - I suggest getting someone to help you. Actually, to help me. I’m the one in trouble.

I guess in summation. I’d want someone who points at me, laughs and then we just make things better together.

Followed by: nudity.

Important Seed Announcement

The preceding was a Mock Up of what renowned international artist Louis felt a seed personal ad may look like. In no way is any of the ad based upon reality, or, real stuff period for that matter. Seed would like to assure you that other than the odd naked stint, he can neither confirm or deny any of the subject matter that Louis subjected you to.

Seed also would like to stress that no testing was done on humans and that due to his bold rendition and the liberties he has taken with Seed's heart - Louis has been SACKED.

end isa

Now for a dash of serious

Seed (Lindsay) really is an aspiring author. His first book: Seed’s Sketchy Relationship Theories A Guide to the Perils of Dating (How not to become a bar regular) has garnered media attention and has received some outstanding reviews. For more information on the book visit: http://www.seedenterprieses.com/ .

Seed and Seed Enterprises would now like to move the "aspiring" up to the next level. Currently we have a second and third book virtually completed - these two books are being prepared for future publication. Having said that, Seed is now completing a fourth book that he feels has incredible potential to have an amazing print run. He also feels that it would translate well to the Big Screen or the Boob Tube for that matter. Let’s just say the upside is unlimited.

As for the book - it is a true story - it is hilarious - it will evoke every emotion imaginable - it will blow the readers away - it truly is a story of perseverance.

In that spirit, we’d entertain discussing its potential with agents/publishers/media and you. If you are a member any of these groups we’d love to hear from you.

Send us a shout out to: theseedvan@hotmail.com

Why would you take the step to explore?

Because Seed is passionate about what he is doing and he feels he has an important message to share. He also has a snippet of talent.

Once again: Thank you for all of your kind words. We do truly appreciate them.

Question 25 DA first love bites

Dear Seed,

I'm dying of a broken heart.

I met him at church. I’m the kind of girl who has a hard time trusting guys. Before I met Cody, I had never really dated, I was Seventeen. It’s not like my parents wouldn’t let me; it’s that I wouldn’t let myself. I was always scared that I would just get hurt or that I would just get used.
Well, when I met Cody, all of that changed.

I first met him when we were in the Oasis room. He and several of his friends were sitting behind my cousin and me. They were talking about the movie Faces of Death. I turned around to make a comment about the really gross part with the monkey.

Anyway, he talked to my cousin and told her to put in a good word for him. When she told me that, I got really excited because he was such a good Christian.

So later that week after we exchanged numbers threw my cousin. He called and we went out to Pizza Hut, we both had a great time. After that we went out a few more times, then he asked me out.

I don’t know why I was so stupid, but I said yes. He just made me feel so happy, loved and protected.

It was during those few dates that I found out that he was a Virgin. I was raped, so I couldn’t really say anything, I just told him no when he asked.

It was right after that, I can remember the very second I fell in love with him, this part of my heart grew.

He was the sweetest person I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. He held my hand; bought me flowers said everything I wanted to hear. He told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Took me out on amazing dates. He was the first guy to ever take me out on a date, or hold my hand.

We were together for nine months. We saw each other every day. I told him everything, even that I was raped.

He bought me a ring, and told me to promise that I would love him forever. I knew I would, so I promised.

I forgot about all of my friends, and just became closer, and closer to Cody, until he was my entire world.

It made me so happy how I made him so happy. He was my best friend, and during the nine months I made a mistake. We started having sex. It meant so much to me, but we were both Christian, so I felt guilty. Sex took me away from god, but got me closer to Cody.

Cody was my everything.

Then the fights started. I hadn’t spent any time with my friends. My friends would ask me if I wanted to hang out, so I would make plans with them. When I would tell Cody that I was going to go out with my friends, he would get mad. He would say things like “you never spend time with me.”

I spent literally every day with him; I loved spending all my time with him.

But he would feel so bad that I wanted to spend time with my friends. Like on the verge of tears. I would call my friends and tell them some lie, and spend the day with Cody.

That went fine until my best friend’s 18th birthday party.

I told Cody months ahead of time that I was FOR SURE going to go to her birthday party.

He got really hurt because he wasn’t invited. I tried to explain to him that it wasn’t anything against him, It was just that Jen and I were going to do this.

Well he told me that I could go if I didn’t drink.

I drank, and on October 30th. He broke up with me. He told me that on that first drink, I broke up with him.

I didn’t think any of this would end up this way. He told me that he would love me forever.

Then he started with the stupid bull shit line; “I want to be your friend".

Ugh. No

He ignored my phone calls, never came over.

A couple of days after we broke up he asked me to come over.

I cried, he wouldn't kiss me, he wouldn’t hold me, and he didn’t even want to look at me.

I don’t know what I did to him to hurt him THAT bad, but I wish I never would have.

If I knew that going to that party meant so much to him, I would have stayed home. I feel so depressed, and all I can seem to do is cry. I wish I still had Cody, I want to spend the rest of my life with him!

Please write back with hope!

Regards,

Dismantled Lover

Dear DL

When I first read your question I couldn’t help but think: This is far too easy.

You’ve set me up to dismantle you and to rip into every aspect of your young love, rendering you a broken fool. Then, I read it again and I couldn’t help but feel for you. Not sorry for you, but instead you’ve got some serious issues to deal with and I wish you all the best trying to come to terms with who you are and what your future has in store for you. I think this may be a very important time in your life and the decisions you make now may impact all of your future relationships.

I can’t even imagine the damage being raped has caused you. It must be horrific. No wonder you have trouble trusting guys. Regardless of your fragile state I am not going to hold back on my opinions of what I think you need to do? Remember, they are just that, my opinions.

My first recommendation, if you haven’t already - go to a counselor. It is important that you find someone you feel comfortable around and that you feel that you can open up to. You need to find someone who will mostly listen to you and allow you to talk through your pain. If you go to a counselor and you don’t feel comfortable - find another counselor. I’m going to guess the last thing you need right now is someone judging you.

Secondly, what the hell are you dating for at seventeen? Let me expand: Seventeen is for fun. Seventeen is for letting your hair down and having fun with your friends. Seventeen is for having crushes on boys and puppy love. Seventeen is a time for you to change your mind a million times and like Dan one moment and Steve the next. Seventeen is a time to think you’ve figured all out only to find out at forty you really knew squat. Seventeen is a time for pillow fights.

I’m a little troubled that considering what has happened to you that your parents would allow you to date. I hope by "dating" they mean just hanging out with guys and going to the mall....

“DL”, you’ve got your whole life to be saddled down with love. You have your whole life to enter into power struggles about what you need from a boyfriend and lover. No relationship that starts at 17 has any hope in hell of surviving what life is going to dish out to you in the next fifty years. At 17, 18, 19, 20, 21... You know squat. Doesn’t mean you're not smart. Just means when it comes to life and its struggles you’re just beginning your journey (rape aside).

I know that the youth of society when they read the last paragraph are going to cite examples of relationships that started young and survived. Some may even try to shower me with their superior intelligence. All I have to say to you : PISS OFF.

Hell, how intelligent can you possibly be? You showered me with intelligence. Water is the only true cleanser.

Next, stay away from monkeys.

I also suggest staying away from guys named Cody. The name Cody doesn’t scream long term. While on the subject, neither does: Britney, Chad or Tiffany. I’m sure there are many other names that fall into this category, I’m just not seeing maturity being part of the equation when you are given youthful names. I could be wrong. Wait, Mrs. Spears (-Federline) is proving my point.

“DL”, you may be a wee bit choked at me for this: What the heck does being a good Christian have to do with anything? Wow, I said heck instead of hell. If it is imperative for you to be with a Christian that is fine, but, and this is a big but, isn’t it far more important that he is a good person?

Christians for centuries have come in all sorts: good, bad, fat, ugly, beautiful, crack heads, murders, rapists, thieves, lawyers, used car salesmen and so on and so on. I get a little frustrated with you saying that he was a good Christian. I don’t even know what that is supposed to mean.

I worked with a “good Christian” who was the most self-centered, judgmental bastard I’ve ever met. He thought that all he had to do was try to recruit others to the cause and that made him a good person. He reeked of insincerity.

“DL”, date Christians if that is what you need to do. Please don’t imply that good Christians are inherently better than “GOOD PEOPLE”. Maybe some day if you give a good person a chance you may start to view the world a little bit differently and with an open heart and mind.

Just some food for thought.

Speaking of food: avoid Pizza Hut for a while.

I’m going to let you in on a little secret: No guy is the sweetest guy in the world. Except for me of course. We may do sweet things. We may genuinely be looking out for your best interests. We may want to take care of you. We may have wonderful qualities that make us keepers. However, we all have our flaws and dysfunctions.

Seventeen is a dangerous time for guys. Peer pressure: the media, erections and a whole host of other hormonal changes are taking place that drives each and every one of us - Christian or not - to want to score. I don’t care how sweet Cody is, if the hormones were firing on all cylinders he’d have told you anything to get busy with you. Doesn’t mean he didn’t mean it in “the moment” however, after “the moment” passed and his quest was complete everything about life changes. He probably was trying to figure out what just happened. And, is it rude if I shower up right away?

Look, you’re banging on yourself pretty hard for having sex. I’ll let you in on another little secret: (I apologize in advance for the profanity) Everybody has fucking sex. It is part of life. It is beautiful. It at times is naughty and at others a wee bit kinky. It runs a whole gamut of exploration. Western culture has made us so ridiculously uptight about sex. Having it doesn’t change your core. Having it to win love or manipulate, well, that is an entirely different subject. Having sex is nothing more than having sex. Cut yourself some slack. You can’t go through life persecuting yourself for things that are simply part of life.

It’s time for me to summarize.

“DL”, you’re way too young to even consider a long term relationship. It will never work. More important, it will never work until you deal with what has happened to you. You must see someone and work that out. If you don’t you will put way too much pressure on your intimate relationships. Relationships don’t usually survive massive amounts of pressure. It is unfair of you to ask for someone to save you from the big, bad, scary world. That is something that you’ll have to do yourself.

“Sweetie”, you need to forgive yourself for all the things that you're judging yourself about. You’re human. What happened to you wasn’t your fault.

Having sex with someone you care about is natural. Feeling guilty because you had sex is also natural.

As for Cody. He’s done. He doesn’t know what he wants yet. And, to give you a hard time because you had a drink - how did he become the one who gets to pass judgment? Hey what the hell are you drinking for anyway? Aren’t you under age?

You didn’t hurt him at all. You cared about him and shared an important time of your life with him. You allowed yourself to be vulnerable. Remember, Cody is young too and he is sorting through his own shit. Everything is happening so fast and the whole world is changing around you guys. He is likely trying to figure out what he wants and the drinking is a lame excuse to just cast you aside. Perhaps the current version of Cody shuns drinking and will not allow it in his life (for now).

Finally, losing your first love really sucks. We get wrapped up in how we’ll never survive or find someone so wonderful ever again. It can consume us leading to tears and despair. The hard truth, for whatever reason you and Cody are not meant to be. Not right now at least. I repeat that you and Cody are not meant to be. You need to find a way to come to terms with that. If you don’t you’ll tarnish the memory of your first love and I know you are way too smart to do that.

In time the heartache will pass. It always does. In the meantime look after yourself. Try to be happy. Lie about it if you must. Tell people you’re doing great. Eventually the lie will become reality and you will have forgotten why you pined for Cody so much in the first place.

Most important, get some help to deal with your other issues - I know that in the future you want to become a beautiful, caring, vibrant, women whose independence will become one of your greatest character traits. Like said: if someone becomes your "everything" - your relationship doesn’t stand a chance long term. You must be able to stand on your own and “DL” at the present moment you don’t seem capable of doing that.

As for hope. You’re a wicked individual. You’re young. Once you conquer your demons “true love” will find you when you least expect it. Cody wasn’t it.

Smile, have a blast with your friends and remember to:

BE HAPPY!

Remember you asked

the seed

.

Remember to check out our website: www.seedenterprises.com .

Question 18 The Infinite Saga of Mr. X - Part 4

Hello Friends!

Mr. X won’t go away my friends. He seems to enjoy languishing in a land of pain.

I have traveled far beyond feeling sorry for him. In fact, I’m having trouble keeping up with his ongoing saga. To date I have 8 installments. Mr. X is plain and simply just goofy.

Fun, that is the first time I used ‘goofy’ in my writings.

To bring you up to snuff here you may click on the links below. Not only will you find sagacious advice - you’ll find fun and funky artwork and photography. So sit back, relax and enjoy.

Don’t forget to check out http://www.seedenterprises.com/ and also feel free to fire your questions to the crew here at Seed Headquarters at askseed@hotmail.com . We promise to help lighten the loads of life. At least we promise to make you guffaw.

Question 18 The Infinite Saga of Mr. X - Part 1

http://askseed.blogspot.com/2006/03/question-18-infinite-saga-of-mr-x-part.html

My favorite picture in this post: Perfection.

This was a very tough call.

F Bomb meter: 4.

Question 18 The Infinite Saga of Mr. X - Part 2

http://askseed.blogspot.com/2006/03/question-18-infinite-saga-of-mr-x-part_17.html

My favorite picture in this post: Mirror.

F Bomb meter: 13.

Question 18 The Infinite Saga of Mr. X - Part 3

http://askseed.blogspot.com/2006/03/question-18-infinite-saga-of-mr-x-part_29.html

My favorite picture in this post: Mr. Popularity.

F Bomb meter: 5.

Question 18 The Infinite Saga of Mr. X - Part 4

Talked to Mr. X quite a bit last week. Mrs. X can't decide who she wants right now. "The decision will have to wait..... "

I don't think she is capable of "making a decision", because she is unsure of what she wants. However, I believe the fact that she can't decide in favor of Mr. X and their "marriage" is a clear decision against him.

Mr. X stated: "The relationship is over, but the marriage is not. Maybe she will decide in a few months or maybe at the end of the year, so living together now is not an option."

In any case, he is looking for a new apartment.

He also told me a bit of the "advice" from other people he had received. A priest he knows advised him: "You must fight for your relationship". A friend said he should "get revenge" on Mrs. X by sleeping with other women.

If there is any piece of "advice" that I truly hate then it is this one. What a load of crap.... What or who is he supposed to fight for? A woman who cheated on him? A woman who let him fly thousands of miles to visit her and then disrespect him by sending him away and sleeping with someone else? A person who isn't sure if she wants to be with him and shows him that by entertaining a relationship with someone else? Should he fight for a relationship which has absolutely no foundation, just a history of seven years?

Mrs. X gave the following reply, when Mr. X shared this tidbit of fantastic advice with her: "Oh, thank God you didn't 'fight' for me - that would only have driven me farther away...."

As for sleeping with other women: it is no longer cheating, as sex without a relationship is just sex. I don't think it would be good to jump into a new relationship, but maybe he should just start living for himself (and if that includes rebound sex then good for him).

I conveyed the advice you have given and listened as much as I could. I emphasized that if he feels that he needs to change, then only for himself and not because his cheating wife thinks he has to become more interesting, to have more drive, to become taller, funnier or younger.

Hopefully he will seize his chance to live and figure some things out for himself and not just "wait for a decision from Mrs. X". She stopped wearing her ring at least a month and a half ago and is considering moving to Boston to be with Doc India.....

That is the last segment for a while.

Best regards,

FIN

Dear FIN

Where the hell is my greeting?

No: Dear Seed?

No: Hey Seed?

No: Hey Wise Man who provides the world with generous helpings of brilliant bordering on genius advice complete with groundbreaking snippets of insight and comedic gems?

No: Hey Fucker.

“FIN,” that hurts. It really, really hurts. Are you starting to take me for granted? Are you trying to decide between my and another help guru? If you are I won’t wait. I won’t stick around. I deserve to be treated with respect. I deserve to be Number 1.

If you can’t live up to that, then I want you to get the fuck out of my kitchen. Now. I mean it.

What the hell are you doing in my kitchen anyway?

FIN has never been in my kitchen. Nor will he ever be. Maybe one day - who knows? I’m just thinking it is very unlikely. Not that FIN wouldn’t be a good friend to have. I think he would. He listens to his dumb assed lawyer friend Mr. X. That must certainly be a difficult task. The point: if FIN ever enters my kitchen without my permission, I’ll call the cops and whoop his ass.

You got that FIN?

I thought so.

“FIN,” I’ve thrown on my sagacious thinking cap and I’ve come up with an answer for you to relay to Mr. X.
.

An official seed apology
before he makes what some might feel
is an offensive comment
that borders on tasteless
but needs to be said.

Sorry.

End of:
An official seed apology
before he makes what some might feel
is an offensive comment
that borders on tasteless
but needs to be said.

Mrs. X is nothing more than a Dish Rag Whore.

She is using Mr. X up and playing him for the willing fool that he has become. Are lawyers stupid?

“FIN,” she knows exactly what she wants and it isn’t him. Sure since she’s been mopping up counter messes for such a long time now that she’s become festering and a tad smelly I might add, that all she really wants from any man is validation. She is consumed with her own lofty sense of self worth.

As I keep reading over Mr. X perplexing bouts of logic, “the relationship is over, but the marriage isn’t”, he may be the most mentally challenged lawyer ever. The marriage not being over is nothing more than column fodder. I didn’t want to say this, but FUCK: Open your eyes fool. What the fuck is a marriage without a relationship? A fucking useless piece of paper that other lawyers can sift through and make a few bucks from.

The longer he holds onto this illusion that she is going to suffer some form of irreparable brain trauma that will have her running back to him through meadows with open arms only to run right past him into the arms of next: HE IS ROYALLY SCREWED. And not in a hot fashionable way involving a hot royal vixen. But instead, a bend over and prepare for a battering ram to…

I also must say, nice advice from the peanut gallery. What the hell is fighting for the relationship? Wow Priest, is he supposed to pull Doc India or whomever else meets the height requirements to ride Mrs. X and, and, scream:

“Mrs. X I love you I don’t care if you are being…”

“Oh, Oh, I’m going to cum.”

Does his Priest friend truly believe seeing Doc India’s money shot is going to help Mr. X build esteem. The point: you can fight all you want for something that is DONE, it won’t do you any good. Even if you fucking succeed and WIN back her heart and love, what a ridiculously tarnished and marginal marriage.

C’mon people, repeat after me:

WE DON'T NEED TO SAVE EVERY FUCKED UP RELATIONSHIP.

As for the other friend. What grade is he in? Any friend who suggests revenge needs to be inflicted with pain from the battering ram. Seriously, no wonder Mr. X is struggling with emotional issues, excluding you “FIN”, he’s hanging with morons.

I hope his moronic friend one day experiences a crab infestation. Better yet, gets to spend some intimate time with the Dish Rag.

You’re absolutely right, there is no relationship and nothing left to fight for. All he can do is retreat to whatever he can and start to repair himself. I hate banging on him so hard and I know he won’t listen. There are at least 4 more installments on their way.

“FIN,” I think part of the program needs to be you not always being available to listen to his schlep. Be his friend but take it off the menu every now and then. It is only fair to you and it may be the only way for him to figure out how fucking ridiculous he’s being.

I’ve tried desperately to save relationships with people who “didn’t know what they wanted right now”, translation, they didn’t want me and my efforts eventually lead to the land of pathetic broken loser. Fortunately it was only temporary and the L on my forehead wasn‘t permanent.

I’m going to leave you “FIN” with a new feature:

A Seed Question to Provide Relationship Clarity

In this case questions to ponder:

What is the point of trying to save broken relationships?

What is the point of saving a relationship with someone who has disrespected you and cheated on you along with dragging your heart through the ringer?

Can anything good come from giving up your confidence, pride and esteem?

Will desperation make you a better person?

Will being needy help you win back someone who doesn’t want you?

Can Doc India and others continue to “do” her?

Will you have wonderful kids who grow up in a loving environment if you get back together with DISH RAG?

Why would you even entertain the idea of getting back together with someone who is a flawed lover?

Don’t you deserve better?

end of seed question

“Fin,” Mr. X needs to ask himself some hard questions. Fortunately for him she doesn’t want to be with him.

That may be the only thing that saves this sad fucking chap from totally blowing out his fragile heart.

None of his dilemma has anything to do with love. It may have for a brief moment, but, for most of this journey all it is about is: selfishness, neediness, ego and some strange sense of entitlement.

I firmly believe that Mr. X has crossed the line and become a selfish prick. If he asks the questions above he’d realize that his relationship is long gone. I believe that he has asked himself those questions and many more.

His over inflated EGO and his competitive nature has created a situation where he is trying to WIN.

I’m just not sure what he is trying to win.

It makes absolutely no sense.

I know from experience. I’ve tried.

Victory doesn’t exist.

Remember you asked

the seed

(to be continued)

Question 24 Where do I find your &#&#! book?

Seed

Where do I find your fuckin book? I've looked everywhere and my feet are sore. Resentment is growing in me at an astounding pace while questions swirl around in my tiny mind - is it Seed's fault, is he holding back the book - or is it that halfwit of a publisher who is busy with the season's latest drivel to drive the suburban meat into a pre-holiday shopping frenzy?

Answer me dammit!

Andy a frustrated reader

Dear Frustrated Reader,

My dear lost soul. You are in the Excited States (USA) right?

All you have to do to pick up a copy of the book is go to our website http://www.seedenterprises.com/ and click on one of the many links and order it on line.

We prefer you go to AuthorHouse because we make a bit higher percentage from them, however, it may cost you a bit more. If you don’t want to go to AuthorHouse you may go to the Barnes & Noble link and order it through them or go into one of their stores and have them order it for you. I don’t think it will be on store shelves for a few more months. These are the best options for the time being.

I don’t want you to “over resent” that would be bad. However, a sufficient amount of resentment is good as it will provide you with the right level of angst to increase the reading enjoyment. As for the half-wit publisher, when you combine their wit with my wit that = 1 - wit and that is a lot of damn wit. That is all for now, just go out and buy the book.

We appreciate your support.

Remember You Asked.…

the seed

BONUS MATERIAL

Question 6 Get off your lazy ass…. A rebuttal to some follow-up dialogue. In a sense a rebuttal to the rebuttals follow-up. I’m confused…

The seed question and answer factory always tries to break new ground. We try new things. We take risks. We put ourselves out there. Most important, we communicate.

The above question was misplaced in the Question Hopper, therefore, it took us a while to answer and post it. Hence, “pre-holiday frenzy“. In an effort to live up to our guarantee of answering every question we were not deterred and still took the time to reply.

There is no big holiday on the horizon. Wait, I stand corrected, seed’s birthday is in July. That must be what Dear Frustrated Reader was referring to.

The “breaking of new ground” we’re referring to, we’ve decided to share some bonus dialogue we shared with the inquisitor Concerned Pal who was so gracious to ask Question 6 Get off your lazy ass…

And, if that wasn’t enough, we have the lazy assed ones rebuttal to the scathing words of his Concerned Pal. To refresh your memory simply visit the link below.

http://askseed.blogspot.com/2005_04_01_askseed_archive.html

Enjoy the dialogue. And be sure to fire your queries to askseed@hotmail.com

If your hitting the stores for the big July holiday, seed would like….

Hello Seed,

My replies to your queries are in-lined below.

Respectfully

Concerned Pal

Hello A Concerned Pal

Did you view my answer to your question on our website?

Yes, I’ve viewed your answer to my question on your website.

Perhaps a better question would be did your answer help me any?

1. Was it of any value?
2. Did I gain anything from the entire experience?

Happily I can answer in the affirmative.

My friend has moved on to bigger and better things (after he was beaten soundly about the head with a lead pipe at his ‘hockey’ game). He has now become a ‘land baron’ and is reaping riches tenfold.

OK, OK, so maybe all he is doing is sitting by the pool reading this email – at least he’s got style!!!

He should have tried out for the Olympic hockey team with that bum knee of his since the putzes they sent couldn’t get their collective fecal matter together.

I think you need a monthly discourse added to your column where you publish an interaction with someone not peering through the same beer colored glasses buddy boy!

Also, we're having a contest where one lucky winner will win a signed copy of Seed's Sketchy Relationship Theories. For details visit our website at www.seedenterprises.com .

If I visit will I also win an all expenses trip to a vacation trailer park in Arizona? I’ve got your book dude, I need a vacation!

All we ask of you is that you tell all of your friends.

Let just use that term loosely shall we.

Ok we ask one other thing - explore the site a bit - there is tons of original photography and art on the site.

Nice updated site – keep up the good work!!

We do kindly ask you to tell all of your friends as we do want to keep offering up heaping servings of fresh comedy, controversy and perspective. To do so your help spreading the word is greatly appreciated.

Yes – With the help of a secret source I regale all my friends with stories of two shmoes that used to live by the Plaza 500 on the west side of Vancouver – trust me, word is getting around about you two!!!

A Concerned Pal

Cheers

seed

Don’t worry if some of the dialogue didn’t make sense. We struggled to attach meaning to it ourselves. The main thing is Concerned Pal is friggen funny and we appreciate his efforts to purchase and help us promote.

.

Did you notice. We listened more than we talked.

As corny as this sounds. We actually want to make a wee bit of a difference.

Remember, say no to Global Warming.

Question 23 Selfish Narcissistic Bastard 'Mon'

Dear Seed

How did you get your name?

How did that come about?
.

.

It's an interesting choice, and I can think of several meanings to it; but really, what motivated you to call yourself seed?

BTW, I do like your articles. They are genuine, authentic, and speak the truth.

Nobody is immune from heartache...for me, my life feels like it is over at 48. My husband, with whom I have been with since 21 (27 years), messed with my head so badly over the past 2 years, played me and other women, strung us all along, using us...finally I found out the truth and let them know about him...divorce is coming. Everything is falling apart, my life, my job...

Don't know how I am going to make it, but life is still better than the alternative.. but I am not a young chick anymore. It's not that easy.

Take care of yourself, thank your for the articles, a man's perspective. Men aren't really that different from women, we are all human, with a need for love.

Rebuilding Esteem

R E Correspondence

Seed,

I read on your articles on the "Dumpdumped.com" website.

You write differently than most 'self-help' gurus.. you don't BS us..

Although, I hope this fellow is doing better now, it's been awhile since he posted on your blog. Your words were "tough love"...it's hard to hear the truth, but lies are worse, lies are what got us into this mess in the first place, our lies to ourselves, and their lies to us.. lies, lies, lies.......

truth is painful sometimes. truth is that I don't know how well I well come out of this at all. He hurt me very badly, very.. and I almost let him get away with it..

Yes, I let his girlfriends know what he was doing to all of us. Why shouldn't he feel some of the pain that he caused all of us?

Especially me, his loving devoted wife of 23 years...

Yes, I have my share of problems, but I am not going to take the blame of the failed relationship.. But you are right when you say there probably wasn't any love remaining on his part. That died a long time ago, because you don't hurt people you love like that.. that is not love. I am tired now, to tired to write anymore. All that there is left to do is pick myself up out of the ashes and carry on.

You never said how you came upon your name.

What do your friends call you?

Rebuilding Esteem

Dear Rebuilding Esteem

I hope you don’t mind I took the liberty to give you a catchy name to protect your privacy. Rebuilding Esteem, pretty sweet don’t you think?

Actually, its one lame assed effort on my part, which took place during a massive brain fart. Regardless of the odiferous odor emanating from my ears I’m sticking with it.

Time for a pat on the back

“Seed, you know what we should do today?”

“What Wes? Tell me. Tell me. Tell me.”

“I think the three of us, should take your credit card and rent motor cycles and head out into the Jamaican back country. Wouldn’t that be fun?”

“But Wes, I’m afraid of motor cycles and I’ve never rode one before? And, to top it off Greg is only 4’ 11”.”

Our annoying friend Greg was actually 4’ 11”. Take a wild stab what nickname we gave him? If you guessed Shorty, you’d be dead on. Pretty neat huh, not to mention original.

In moments of intense maturity we used to share witty banter at his expense.

“Pat do you want to go to the pub for a wee bit?”

“I’d love to but I’m a little short on cash this week.”

“Haven’t seen Greg in awhile, have you?”

“Seed he’s standing behind that chair.”

And, my personal favorite: “Jump”.

Man were we assholes. Funny ones though.

Back to Jamaica now ‘mon’.

“Ok, lets do it. Should we head back to the hotel since I’m only wearing these short shorts and flip flops.”

“Oh no Seed, that’s standard issue for motorcycle riding in Jamaica.”

“Ok”.

We hit the open road, heading south from Negril. Wind was rushing through my flowing locks. The heat and humidity of Jamaica was making my body glisten with anticipation. What the fuck glistening with anticipation actually means eludes me.

Over hills, past seascapes, dodging carnivorous pot holes, I was getting the hang of riding this hog.

Pit stop, some tasty Jerk Chicken and a couple of Ting’s. Delicious!

.

Satiated it was time to head back to Negril for some fun and frolic.

Wes opened throttle and blasted to the front. The "Gigantor" was closely behind him.

I was struggling to keep pace. I flashed to words of reassurance Wes had dropped on me earlier.

“Don’t worry, we’ll go at your pace and take it easy.”

Liar.

Afraid of being left behind I did my best to try and keep up. I didn’t want to be stranded when night came to be devoured by roaming packs of Spliff yielding Rastafarians.

THUD.

.
Dead center of a pothole at 40 miles per hour.

.

I’m about to be ejected over the handle bars. I think: Go over handle bar - very - very bad.

.
So, I pushed down and picked another option. I fell sideways and started a 50 yard slide on the asphalt - complete with bike between my legs.

It really didn’t feel very nice.

Once again - Wes lied - flip flops and shorts aren’t standard bike gear.

I quickly sprung to my feet and thru my hands in the air and shouted, “I’m ok”.

I was shouting to myself Wes and Kareem were long gone. I looked behind me and went over a quick check list. Bike - check. Sandal - check. Another sandal - check. Hat - check. Skin - check. Pack of salivating Rastafarians - check.

My hand seemed different. All of the white tape I was wearing seems to have peeled off. Wait - I wasn’t wearing white tape - better look at my palm.

Silly me - it wasn’t white tape at all - it was my skin. OUCH!

Why’s my little toe dangling?

Magically Wes and “What you talking about Willis,” returned.

“Wes the sandals didn’t protect me.”

“That’s odd.”

All he could offer was that’s odd.

I was magically transported to a small village clinic. In the waiting room Wes placed my flip flops on my toe dangled feet. The nurse put a fan in front of me and every few minutes someone would come and empty the blood from my sandals.

Finally, “Hello doc, fix me.”

“I’m Dr. Babs, I got my degree from the University of Nigeria. For $100 US I’ll fix you up good, a little cleansing and a shot or two of Demerol and maybe the odd stitch and you’ll be on your way.”

“I only have $60 Canadian on me.”

“We’ll do the best we can. Hey nurse you know that batch of purple stuff we’ve got. You want to grab it for me. And, oh yeah what’s in those vials next to the Demerol.”

“I’m not sure Babs.”

“Anyway grab a couple.”

“The ones next to your Ganga?”

Babs fixed me up real good.

.

Apparently the purple stuff (see picture above) hasn’t been used in North America for decades. The vials made me hallucinate. On our way home I had a couple of day pit-stop in a Seattle hospital to save my foot. Hospitals in Seattle are very expensive when your trip mate “the gnome” buys trip cancellation insurance instead of medical insurance on the day of departure. Seriously, while we were at the airport buying our tickets he bought flight cancellation insurance.

What did I learn. Being patted on the back by Jamaican pavement isn’t fun.

That and, say no to global warming.

That brings us to the reason for the pat on the back. You see I used the word odiferous for the first time in my life. It just popped into my head and I threw it into this article. I decided damn that’s one fly word and I’m going to leave it in even if I’m misusing. I looked it up. My usage was correct.

Kudos to me.

end of pat on the back

As for my nick name. A wise man once said to me:

“OUCH”.

He had just stubbed his toe.

He also said to me:

“Seed, you’re so old that in the beginning of time there was only you and dirt and since dirt can’t speak we’ll have to take your word that you’re younger than dirt.”

This wise man coined: The Seed.

If you’d like to learn more about my origins flashback to;

http://askseed.blogspot.com/2006/03/question-19-origins-of-seed.html

---------------------

Thanks for your kind words on my (our) articles. I (we) truly appreciate it.

For the most part we speak from the heart and experience. I (we) once you sift through some of my at time nonsensical ramblings and the short vignettes taken from my life, I (we) do try to offer some sincere and at times blunt suggestions to help people rebuild.

We just figure no matter how “fucked up” things can get - it’s vitally important to find a way to laugh. We believe that with absolute certainty and passion.

Thanks again for your kind words.

“RE”, your situation licks. It bites the big one. I can’t imagine the pain having someone who you’ve spent 27 years with can inflict. Selfish Narcissistic Bastard. Regardless of the details he deserves to catch something festering that reduces him to a whimpering Troglodyte.

“RE”, as much as that’s what he deserves, you can’t spend a second wishing for bad things to happen to him. As hard as it is to face, now is your time. You’ve got to exile him from your mind, which will take every ounce of strength and take this time to learn to love yourself. It’s up to your friends and others who care to do the “voodoo thing” for you.

It’s also important to not worry about the other women at all. In my estimation she’s no better than your ex.

BTW, 48 isn’t old. You still are a young chick. In fact, I’ve read somewhere that 48 is the new 24. I may have made it up myself, but, that doesn’t matter, its time for you to step out and explore new things. New foods, new exercise, new………

You can do it.

Age really is nothing more than a state of mind and the odd wrinkle. We really don’t need to listen to others and what society deems as normal for certain stages of life. I’ve got a hunch that societies program may be failing and it’s time for us to individually adjust the formula.

Sweetie, it’s also very important to learn how to lie. Meaning: limit the number of people you express your heartache to. A counselor - who will just listen. At most a couple of dear friends. To everyone else “I’m doing great”. Eventually, you’ll start to believe your lie and when that happens magically it will no longer be a fib.

As for Been Dumped: it provides a great place for people to go so they can realize that they’re not alone. That others have gone through similar traumas. The only thing I’m leery of: I don’t think it is wise to spend too much time talking to people who are consumed with despair. I think it can perpetuate the misery. Sad stories suck and eventually all blend together stripping away individuality. Don’t allow that to happen to you. Don’t be defined by what this Bastard has done. It won’t do you any good.

Another wise man shared with me his views on operas of the likes of Wagner. He also shared thoughts of some of the worlds great philosophers. He expressed that they all claim that life is tragic and the world for the most part will not end on a high note. He stated these gifted individuals have carried the burden of pain with them throughout their lives.

I’m not quite so fatalistic. I have however, pulled my head out of the sand and I’m not so sure I like the current path civilization is on. Frankly, it scares me.

Hence, the importance of laughter and living life to the fullest. While talking to this individual a bright light went on: It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter if the world lives on to infinity. It doesn’t matter if it blows up in a million years, a thousand years or tomorrow for that matter.

What does matter is that we take each day and embrace it. Both the good and the bad. The crap and the caviar. Maybe not caviar - instead, the Hagan Daz.

It’s important to realize that we’re responsible for our own “moments” and we must try to make them brilliant. If someone like Selfish Narcissistic Bastard hurts and disrespects you. Fuck him. You deserve better. The pain is inevitable, however, it must be kicked to the curb as quickly as possible.

“RE”, make your new moments memorable. You’re going to be fine. I’ve got a hunch and just like my hunch about odiferous was right. I’m sure this one will be as well.

My friends call me Lindsay or Seed.

Remember you asked

the seed

.

P.S. Don't forget to say no to global warming. Go for a walk. Burn the SUV. Eat organic.

.

P.P.S. Visit our website www.seedenterprises.com . If you are interested in signing The Seed Posse to a lucrative recording contract: We're listening. Now speak.

Question 22 Quarterback controversy

Dear Seed,

Is it true that your brother Don was a better QB?

Regards

Hank

Dear Hank

Good question.

You’ve kind of caught me off guard with this one “Hank”. Most questions we receive here at Seed Corporate Headquarters pertain to matters of the heart, with the odd one touching on my personal experiences.

I guess my previous athletic endeavors would fall into the category of personal. I must admit that I’m a little leery of being drawn into glory day banter. Don’t want to come across like Al Bundy - if you know what I mean?

What’s that Boss:

I had a friend was a big baseball playerback in high school

He could throw that speedball by you

Make you look like a fool boy

Saw him the other night at this roadside bar

I was walking in, he was walking out

We went back inside sat down had a few drinks

but all he kept talking about was

.

Glory days well they'll pass you by

Glory days in the wink of a young girl's eye

Glory days, glory days

I’ve been that guy before - I don’t want to be him again. We’re in the present now and I think it’s important to live more for the moment than to relive past accomplishments.

Just a second, the last sentence is now officially in the past, fuck, for that matter the word, word is now in the past. So is past and is. Meaning is, is in the past now right along with - with.

Regardless of my desire to be present and future based in my approach to life since we promise to answer each and every question that is sent our way I’ll attempt to give your query a shot “Hank”. I can’t wait to see what the future has in store and what type of informative answer I can come up with.

Was my Brother Don a better quarterback than me?

Let’s examine the facts - shall we?

• Don is eight years older than me. Meaning: he wore a leather helmet.
• Don played 4 years High School and held all of our city’s passing records.
• I played 1 year Pop Warner - winning the City Championship.
• I played 1 year High School - winning the City Championship and the Provincial Championship.
• Don played several years for the Saskatoon Hilltops.
• I played 1 year for the Saskatoon Hilltops - wining the National Championship.
• I played 2 years for the Edmonton Wildcats.
• Don played 2 years for the U of S Huskies.
• I played 2 years for the U of S Huskies.

• Don scored umpteen co-eds because of his athletic prowess.*
• I’m a gentlemen and would never tell. One day I hope to lose my virginity.
• I once slept in the same bed with sisters from Chicago.
• Don dated a girl who lived in Minneapolis.
• The first picture I took with my digital camera was of a flower.
• The second was of my……..
• I was born in July.
• Don was born in November.
• July is warmer than November.
• Don’s built a tremendous career for himself and has a wonderful wife and son.
• Some say that I’m funny. At least funny looking.
• The fastest I’ve ever driven an automobile was 220 km per hour on the Autobahn.
• The fastest Don ever drove my car was 225 km per hour on the road to Prince Albert.
• And lastly, Don was the first player to don white cleats in Saskatoon.

Statistically speaking one might build a strong case for Don. As for me I once arrived 45 minutes late for a philosophy exam and tried to convince the Prof., “time wasn’t relative”.

Speaking of losing virginity. I’m going to put a GPS device on mine so if I do lose it I’ll be able to find it again.

The above picture is a shot of the longest touchdown pass in Canadian Junior Football History. The play started on our 2 yard line and Gord Boldstad caught the ball on the other teams 50 yard line and he high-tailed it to the end zone. The play covered 108 yards in total. Kind of makes you wonder: Why the hell didn’t the tennis players in the background turn to watch history in the making? What’s that Bruce -- yeah I know -- I kind of got caught up in the moment.

Glory days well they'll ….

Cut me some slack Mr. Springsteen. Who the hell are you to bang on me for reminiscing? All you seem to be doing is throwing one of your old hits in my face to make me feel bad. You get where I’m going, “old hits”. Now go away.

To celebrate our tremendous accomplishment Gord, myself and another teammate “Meat Puppet”, headed out on the town for a night of mature fun. What did we do you ask? We helped break a guy out of a parking garage. We went to a clerk less 7/11 and started an assembly line and loaded treats into my car. It was weird the 7/11 wasn’t staffed, it was three in the morning. I’m sure they changed there honor system of payment after that night. And, finally, everyone needs golf hole pins, so we went to a very posh golf course and borrowed a few. Translation: we were idiots.

“FORE!”

“Hank”, I think the above data should be sufficient and allow us to venture to answer your question.

I don’t have a brother Don.

Remember you asked

the seed

* In fairness to Don, he never boasted about scoring co-eds. It was just assumed - how could he not have with the white cleats and all.

Now go to our website and buy a copy of our book. Just click on http://www.seedenterprises.com/ , you wont be disappointed.

Tootles.

Come back soon.

Question 21 What’s the 411?

Part 1

Dear Seed

how can i find a lost friend, i met him on the net, he is from south carolina.

Lost & Looking

Part 2

Dear Seed

i got a question can ya help me find somebody?

Lost & Looking

Dear Lost & Looking

That is one pickle you’ve gotten yourself into. I’d also like to add - what a fantastic question.

Before I offer you up some sagacious advice from the minds of the Seed’s I’d like to introduce a new feature.

Signs of the times

Volume 1 Sign 1

Pretty catchy title don’t you think?

I often embark on daunting treks around my city and the surrounding areas in search of the answers.

“Three.”

I’ve just been informed the answer is three and I know longer need to search. If only I knew what the question was it would all make sense. Hey, wait a minute, I said the answers, implying many questions, therefore, unless the answer to each and every one of the questions is three ---- well, just quit yanking my chain.

I need to keep walking, I’m sure there is more to digest before I kick it. I do have a slight dose of a “save the world” complex. I figure Mr. Iran and Mr. Bush aren’t going to do it for us. When I come to think of it, I’d like to ask the big guy upstairs a question:

“Hey big guy, I’ve been led to believe, basically I’ve been told that you have a grand scheme of how this whole earth and the ‘after life’ thing is going to play out. I guess I’m cool with that. What I’m having trouble absorbing is how does Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and G.W.B play into this whole ‘master plan.’ You and your crew are just funning us a bit right?”

“It’s ok if you pull the plug on your social sciences project, we get it, we need to change a few things and maybe get back to being a little less selfish and a little bit nicer. We’ll try. And if we promise to try can you pull the plug on these yahoos and put some more reasonable people in charge.”

Back to the “Signs of the times.” Here is: Volume 1 Sign 1. Enjoy!

For some strange reason every time I pass this sign I almost pee myself. I find it hilarious. Are there some assumed options to the pricing scale? Disturbing when you think about it. And, damn it, why do seniors get a special deal on porn? Once again the thought of seniors spewing their detritus from arousal on the chairs in front of them. Ewe gross.

I think seniors should actually have to pay more in this instance. Just think about what the excitement may do to them. “Clear.”

“Hey is that Paul Reubins in row 3?”

End of this installment of Signs of the times

“Lost & Looking,” your question is so complex that we’ve brought in some big hitters to help us decipher the cryptic code within. We figured that international rap sensation out of St. Louis, Nelly, may be able to shed some insight.

I like Nelly. I’ve sung along to many a Nelly song, not really paying much attention to what he was feeding me. Each time momentarily I’d flick a switch and disregard his deep yet simplistic message.

After all it’s Nelly, he’d never lead us astray. He’s got a gazillion pairs of sneakers. We all need a gazillion "of," not only sneakers, but of anything. He’s got a posse, how fucking cool is that? And, get this, the mayor of St. Louis gave him “the key” to the city for his outstanding humanitarian efforts.

I love his lyrics. I practiced and practiced. “Cindy talks Nelly listens. Nelly talks Cindy listens. I want to……..”

I was even getting pretty good. Every second word I’d insert what I thought I was hearing. My desire to be just like Nelly and help spread the word was growing infectiously. The rap word that is, not just Nelly’s, I decided to look up the real lyrics. Wow fantastic!

Take it away Nelly.

Hey yo, now that I'm a fly guy, and I fly high

Niggaz wanna know why, why I fly by

But yo it's all good, Range Rover all wood

Do me like you should - fuck me good, suck me good

We be no stud niggaz, wishin you was niggaz

Poppin like we drug dealers, sippin Crissy, bubb' mackin

Honey in the club, me in the Benz

Icy grip, tellin me to leave wit you and your friends

So if shorty wanna... knock, we knockin to this

And if shorty wanna... rock, we rockin to this

And if shorty wanna... pop, we poppin the Crist'

Shorty wanna see the ice, then I ice the wrist

City talk, Nelly listen; Nelly talk, city listen

When I fuck fly bitches; when I walk pay attention

See the ice and the glist'; niggaz starin or they diss

Honies lookin all they wish - come on boo, gimme kiss

-nelly (ride wit me)

Funny, he wasn’t just talking to Cindy. Do I feel like an idiot. Nelly has his pulse on what the whole city wants. Mayor St. Louie, did you realize Nelly fucks “fly bitches?”

You should’ve, he asked you to pay attention. I’m so confused - what are you supposed to be paying attention to: his walking?

Is it ok to call people “fly bitches?”

I’ve spent quite a bit of time with some Air Canada flight attendants, maybe I’ll ask them.

After some more painstaking analysis I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not supposed to get Nelly. I don’t think I’m even supposed to get rap. I think the only ones who can truly understand it are ass-less suburban kids who want to become gangsta niggaz. Whatever the hell that is.

Man it’s “hot in hear,” I hope some “fly bitches” drop by and we can take off all our clothes. That’d be fun. Problem is honey’s in the club and I’m in my Benz. Rappers what the fuck are you trying to tell us? Don’t bother answering, just skip to the bank and cash your huge bad assed mother jamming cheques, there’s a sale at the Foot Locker. One gazillion and one……….

Before you check out Nelly (rappers in general). Your plan worked. You’re bad asses and you’ve got rich off “dumb.” Now could you do us a favor and change the message?

That’s what I thought. Too bad.

Sorry “Lost & Looking,” Nelly didn’t offer up any help. I guess I’ll tackle your question solo.

First, it’s someone.

Ok now that we’ve got that minor correction out of the way, I must say that I’m glad you asked the question in two different ways as the question was so complex it really did need that second line to clarify.

Ah the internet. What a wonderful gateway to the world. I think someday it may be big.

Much as you clarified your question, I’m going to do the same with my reply. I’m also going to practice being succinct and to the point.

You’re crazy.

That was fun. Let’s break down the question a little tiny bit.

“You met him on the net.”

For all of you cyber junkies out there please take light of this: you haven’t met anyone. Online is a fantasy world where people can portray themselves anyway they like. They can lie. Just in case you didn’t listen to that. THEY CAN LIE. About everything. And, so can you.

You must understand that it is not real and I’m guessing a large portion of the time the “meeting” is never meant to be as it will reveal both parties deceptions. You must understand that by now.

Your “lost friend” could be responsible for the street art above.

“Lost & Looking,” basically all of you out in cyber land for that matter, the people you meet online aren’t really friends, they can’t be, you may think that they are and you can get wrapped up in the security of the keyboard. It can become exciting and intoxicating. It represents societies laziness and a easy way to meet people from the safety of your own home.

Online most people stretch reality. We become smarter, taller and funnier. Dicks grow, chests firm and stomachs flatten. When the truth be told and we meet, most of us become shorter, dumber, duller and our endowments shrivel. Fit becomes fat. That’s just the way it is.

“When a man tells a story, sometimes he tells it straight thru. Won’t be very complicated, but it won’t be very interesting either.”

The internet allows us all to become “Big Fish.”

Sure, there are pluses. And sure, maybe you’ll find love and your soul mate through your web searches. Just don’t let the charms of cyber land consume you at the expense of your “real” flesh and blood friends. They’re the ones that truly matter. If out of desperation or neediness or whatever else lame excuse you find yourself retreating to the screen instead of interacting in the old more personal face to face way, I suggest: You’ve got a problem brewing on your hands and that problem will eventually lead to solitude.

A Seed PSA

If you happen to get swept away in a whirlwind online romance and decide that it is time to finally meet. Always meet in a social setting. A restaurant. A crowded coffee shop. Make sure that you meet somewhere that you’re familiar with and just like hikers are supposed to report their plans and time of return, make sure a “real” friend knows your schedule and that you will be calling them later to dish the goods on your date.

Avoid meeting in a bar or anywhere that you are not familiar with.

My words may ring out like an overprotective parent, all I’m suggesting is be smart and use some common sense. Remember there are a lot of “pretenders” out there that want to “fuck fly bitches” and cyber land makes it easy for them to do their shopping.

End Seed PSA

“Lost & Looking,” to answer your question: NO.

We can’t and will not help you find someone. We don’t know who the hell you are. The fact that you’ve lost a “close” friend suggests that you may be a bit desperate and frankly, that scares us.

Is your social calendar and social circle so void of inhabitants that one day you were sitting at home and went: “Geez I wonder what Pepe is up to? We were such amazing friends that I don’t even know his last name or anything else for that matter, but I’d love to hook up with him because we’re a match made in…….”

The thing is if you truly were “close” friends I’d guess you’d know you’re friends name an you could simply call 411.

So, my suggestion to you: go outside, play and hang with your flesh friends. You do have real friends now, don’t you?

This question turned out to be about the freedom of expression and speech. How the hell did that happen?

Whether you’re a bird, porn loving self pleasuring senior, a bad assed rapper or some lunatic with a penchant for drawing pictures of bombs, our culture ensures our right to speak our minds.

I’m not sure whether or not the rappers and the bomb drawing lunatics haven’t crossed the lines of decorum and entered some dangerous locales. In fact I think they may be precariously close.

Can’t we all just get along?

“City talks, Seedy listens. Seedy talks………”

One last thought: Just say no to global warming.

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Come on boo, give me a kiss.

Remember you asked

the seed

P.S. Remember to visit and explore our website http://www.seedenterprises.com/ .

Question 11 “At work, seemed, ended up falling in love, but…..” : Rebuttal

The following is a rebuttal or follow up to a previous installment of Ask Seed. To read the original Q & A simply click on the link below and scroll down to Question 11. Word of warning: this Q & A borders on novel length. So grab a six pack or a box of wine.

http://askseed.blogspot.com/2006_01_01_askseed_archive.html

Hi Seed,

Firstly thank you so much for taking time to read over my life story and replying back really quick. It took me forever to write so I know it must of taken you even longer to read then analyze, so thank you it means a great deal. I will be definitely recommend to my friends to check out the site and the book (they’re not as crazy as me though!)

I have read your answer like 3 times over and must say its brilliant!

The humour made it a great read and easy to understand your point of views and how you’re trying to get them across.

Novel hey?

Well I guess you would be happy to hear, that was the short version of it!

I have tried writing to a few internet columns and they always seem to reply back with “Not enough information, how can we asses the situation if you don’t tell us vital things”

So when I saw you ad I thought what they heck I’ll try it! I just wanted to go over a few things that you said:

I totally understand where your coming from, and I have come a long way since this has happened. If this was last year I would have been asking you how to win her back etc but throughout the year I have learnt to deal with certain aspects. I guess what’s happened as you superbly put it I’m split – half of me wants to move on and the other thinks I’m back in town why not rekindle the love.

You asked if I asked others for advice?

I have asked many people, friends and family BUT they usually tell me what I need to hear like she will come back when she realizes and stuff like that, other friends who say “she did that to you? I’m going to make her pay by spreading all these rumours.”

I cant be doing with stuff like that. I needed someone to drop it like its hot so to speak and you did that.

And what I meant by serious was that it started off like a little office romance, my first time and her first time. Over the months when her moving date was edging near our feelings grew very strong and we didn’t want to stop seeing each other plus her university was only 20 minutes away and we had a chance at finally being free. You mentioned insecurities and jealousy well your spot on there. But, I wasn’t always like that, it was stuff she did during our first year that made me really insecure (stuff like flirting with other guys blatantly, telling me not to make it on top when her bro and sister was around although she was all over other guys!)

It even got really, really bad with one incident (I spare you the detail but if you want to know I’ll ‘tell you.. too see if I was right) where I thought fuck it and fuck you its over, but again she pleaded and apologized. So my trust was hurt which caused me to think like this (if she is doing this in front of my face what will she do when I’m not there) the trust takes ages to build but it can very easy to break.

You see Seed where I come from Asian (and by Asian I mean Indian/Pakistani) girls are notoriously known for screwing around with guys heads, its very hard to find a decent girl. With her I thought she was decent…and the more I look at it know and how you pointed it out “she said them things about her family and marriage to keep me around” it seems she wasn’t and that pisses me off more then anything because I hate fake people…by the time I started to realize this I was deeply in love with her. I always had a feeling and I remember even telling her a few times and she would just deny it.

About me feeling aggrieved about her not showing the same love? Again I never used to feel that, for me I just tried to be the best bf I could have been and gave my love from all directions, never asked for anything. I only felt it towards the end, when I did thinking of my own and thought I’m just giving, giving, giving and not receiving much. And finally!! After about 3 months after our break up it was a wreck like I told you but I slapped myself up and enjoyed being single, and boy did I enjoy it. It was only when I stopped caring and calling that she gave a damn, like her birthday for example – now I know if I would of texted her on her birthday would I have received a call back or a text?

HELL NO which prompted her to call me and sneakily slip into the conversation that it was her birthday last week. And still I didn’t say happy birthday! I was over her and didn’t want anything to do with a girl that messed me about for 2 years. I even got a text on my birthday the month after! It was only till I moved home and seeing everything again really got to me. I think in London it was my place, new mates, new memories and back here all my memories are of her…which made me think ok lets see how she’s doing. It was an interesting theory about changing my phone number…I might just do that so I can eliminate any hope from the “drunk TWL.”

I do understand that relationships end, and you ex doesn’t owe you shit.. but if you want to continue them as mates like she did after we broke up. She can’t just call and have chit chat without hurting my feelings…imagine how I felt…my first love broke my heart left me without any answers and refused to speak then 3 months ltr she calls, the first thing I’m going to think is “oh yeah here are my answers”

All I wanted after that was for us to end in a nice way (if there is such a thing) so if we ever meet again or talk were both not thinking and bring up bad memories and as you said “You’ll come to a place where you cherish the fond memories you had and smile. “

My last question! Why do people still play relationship mind games after they broke up?

I had people telling me “oh if she calls its sign she wants you back so ask her to meet up” and people saying “if she ever calls act like your busy and hang up” and “tell her to piss off” then when the day comes that she calls you saying to your self “oh shit what should I do” you end up getting confused and mixed between all 3 and sounding like an idiot over the phone!

I’m liking your no contact policy, numbers and email address have been deleted … should stop the urge if I feel like calling!

Thanks again Seed!

Troubled With Love

P.S Thanks for the confidentiality!

I will look over the website for the changes that you mentioned

You're Welcome TWL

Let her go.

Let her go, learn from this relationship and find a way to get past it - and I hate saying this - but, move on.

Have you bought a copy of my book yet?

.

It’s something to recommend to all of your friends. Euro Seed and I really appreciate that. However, we like to see action. Buy it. You’ll love it. You’ll laugh. You’ll swear. You’ll do a little dance. You’ll make a little love. You’ll get down tonight. Get down tonight.

What more do you want from a book?

It’s the least you can do for us after we’ve taken the time to read your life issues and provide you with our swarthy response. Complete with a teeny weensy bit of comedy.

After you’ve gone to http://www.seedenterprises.com/ and picked up your copy of Seed’s Sketchy Relationship Theories - A Guide to the Perils of Dating (How not to become a bar regular), could you please head to your local watering hole and tell all of the “bar regulars” about this whack fly book you’ve just purchased.

Finally, once you’ve consumed the book, we’d love it if you visited amazon.com or Barnes & Noble and wrote a review.

Thanks.

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Your Plight

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Others have replied back with: “not enough information”.

That’s pretty lame. You wrote a 10-page question. Did you send your query to monkeys?

Half of you wants to rekindle the love. Wow! That reeks of desperation. You’re young. This girl is not the one for you. At least not now. You can’t rekindle something that is no longer there.

Think about it. You broke up and went through a whole gamut of emotions. You felt like you weren’t treated fairly. “TWL”, you got your heart trashed by a first young love. You spent a lot of the first question screaming out to me that she wasn’t living up to your expectations and you state stuff like “she didn’t have the decency to call you” and clear the air.

Maybe the monkeys that you sent the question to realized that you weren’t open to listening to their advice and avoided answering the question.

A Moment of Seed Sarcasm

If the candle's wick has burnt out, you can’t rekindle it. What you’re trying to do is impossible. Even if you were to “win” your love back it would be shortlived, as dude, this love is done.

What I suggest is that you keep pushing it, until it turns into hatred. And then push some more just to cement the fact. Once the cement has solidified, continue to cry out to your ex, just so everyone around you knows that you’ve become certifiable.

If you succeed with your efforts to reach Nutsville (because of a girl that doesn‘t want you I might add), ask other girls out and tell them over and over again about how your past love trashed your heart.

Because “TWL”, studies have shown that new love interests really, really, really dig being showered with how pathetically we love our past loves. They like to know that no matter what, no matter how much they’re into you (snicker - snicker - snicker), that they’ll never be good enough for you. Seriously, girls love projects. They love when we scream out someone else’s name during orgasmic moments. It helps to build esteem.

I do love the part of you that is so stunned and matter-of-fact: “I’m back in town why not rekindle the love.”

Go bang your head against a wall for a bit.

By the way, that’s how the USA ended up in Iraq. One of GWB’s aides asked: "George do you think we should invade Iraq?"

His response: “Why not?”

End of Seed Sarcasm

I’m going to be blunt and short with the rest of my answer.

Quit asking your friends and family.

"She’ll come back when she realizes?"

What the fuck does that even mean? Realizes what? That you’re a great guy? That she is so desperate that there is not another human in this world of seven billion that could possibly make her happy? That she likes to have sex with monkeys?

“TWL”, we’re all great guys. Especially those of us that don’t spiral down in desperation just because someone doesn’t want us anymore. In fact it is imperative that you realize this. If you spend your youth “pining” for somebody who doesn’t want you, then good luck to you. You’ll just extend your bitterness into your thirties and you’ll end up a loser at the end of a bar crying about how much you love someone who is married to someone else and has three children.

As for your friends who suggest “spreading rumours”: They’re idiots and they really suck as friends.

“I really love Suzy, but she broke my heart.”

“Don’t worry pal, I’ll show her. I’ll spread around town that she’s a Crack Whore.”

After all nothing screams love like spreading rumours.

I suggest dumping your friends who suggest shit like that. Or, drive them to pre-school.

If you allow it to happen you’re nothing more than a big, smelly asshole.

By the way, she didn’t do anything to you. We allow things to happen to us both good and bad. If you felt she was disrespecting you, you have one choice and that is get away from her.

I don’t understand why you’d want to be with someone who “does negative things to you.”

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Answer that please?

Actually don’t, I already know that you’ll tell me how beautiful she is and how in the good moments it's……….

“TWL”, you may be wondering why I hit on this stuff after you said in your question "you can’t keep doing stuff like that."

Well, it’s because I don’t believe you. The fact that you mentioned it suggests that you’re simply asking from a whack of different angles until you receive what you want to hear.

You speak of trust and love. I don’t agree with your statement that trust takes ages to build. I think that we inherently trust others until they give us a reason not to.

If you’re going through life being wary of others welcome to the land of Paranoia. The plus side to reaching Paranoia for you is that you’ll have done it without the normal substance abuse that usually shares the cart of life with it.

Kudos to you.

You’re right though that trust can quickly be destroyed

“Jim, you said you’d pick me up in twenty minutes. Where the fuck have you been?”

“I told you that I’d be there at 6:20 and it’s only 6:21 cut me some slack.”

“Fucker, you told me on Tuesday, this is Friday……..”

Guess what, I don’t trust Jim anymore.

I’m feeling another moment of sarcasm coming on. Screw it. Going through life expecting people to build your trust.... Who the hell are you that makes it imperative for people to show that they are worthy?

Gandhi.

Actually I’m pretty sure Gandhi looked for the good in people.

Sounds like you’re looking for faults....

You’ve got some growing up to do and some issues to get past. You’re madly in love with someone who treated you badly and who you think is a fake person. Why are you so miserably insecure? Don’t you deserve happiness?

I don’t care what culture you’re from. People screw up other people all of the time. In all cultures. It’s a product of the times. We’re all becoming “Stupid Girls” and “Stupid Boys”. Marketing and rampant consumerism is a big part of this transition. You don’t have to play along. Quit looking for a “decent girl” and allow yourself to live and be happy.

You’ll know when you’ve found that girl. It may be in a year or maybe even ten. I do know this for absolute certainty, if you are needy or try to force yourself into a relationship because you feel that you can’t survive on your own or due to societal or family pressure, enjoy your marginal life with your marginal wife and your lovely children that you can teach that being marginal is the way to be. That way they can repeat the cycle with their children and their children and………

“What’s that Euro Seed?”

“Seed, that’s what most of us are doing now. If we’re lucky we can up the divorce rate to 70% soon.”

“That’d be really cool. That way we can all be self-absorbed, needy and broken lost souls.”

“Yeah, but what do most people do when they’re depressed?"

“I don’t know Seed. What?”

“Shop. We try to alleviate our despair by consuming.”

Pan to a board room on Madison Avenue where you’ll find a room full of Ad Executives, Counselors and Lawyers.

Sinister laughter fills the room.

“Our plan seems to be working to perfection.”

“Yes, yes…. If we can keep the world marginalized, numbed with anti-depressants and offer them sexy ad campaigns for: EVERYTHING. The world will be ours. Look at all of our minions shop.”

“Shall we start our ad campaign for……… in Iraq now?”

“Why not?”

Every one in the room casually saunters over to the window looking down on the hordes of frenzied shoppers. Smiles adorn each and every face.

(The following bit was brought to you by The Seed Players. The Seed Players are available for all of your special occasions. T-shirts are available for purchase. Buy. Buy. Buy. You need them……..)

Finally

Look, I’m certain you won’t listen to this advice. I hope you do. You’re young, you’ve got your whole life ahead of you. If you don’t put this somewhere where you can cope with it you’ll be absolutely useless to yourself and anyone else for that matter.

Why do people do shitty things to others and pay attention to them when they’re not receiving attention themselves?

Insecurities. Dysfunctions. Control. Neediness. Guilt. Remorse. More control. Selfishness. Low self-esteem. To punish themselves. They’re feeling pain and want to know that you are too. They are marginal people. And immature. And they’re plain and simple shitty people.

Did you see "They want you back" as one of the options?

They don’t. If they did they would simply take you aside and tell you how much they love you. They would ask you if you want to get back together. If someone is only paying attention to you when they don’t receive attention themselves, well they’re “Attention Whores” and you are likely just a pawn in their game.

Why the fuck would you want to be friends with someone like that?

So you can share lovely stories about who she’s getting busy with?

Do you hate yourself that much?

You can care about and even have feelings of love for lost significant others, but to try to hold on to this illusion of friendship is just simply ludicrous. I know people argue this whole "friends with ex" issue till they’re blue in the face. There may even be the occasional “EXCEPTION” to the rule.

Far more often there is no point in continuing the misery of a failed relationship. You broke up for a reason (or for a variety of reasons) and to try to build a friendship with someone who doesn’t want you and worse yet plays games with your heart afterwards is just PLAIN STUPID.

“TWL”, as much as it sucks, your relationship is done and if the information you gave me is true, love was likely never part of the equation.

My suggestion: Stop talking about her. Forgive her for "hurting you". Hell, forgive yourself for letting her hurt you.

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Put away your fucking anger. Stop trying to convince people that she did you wrong. Quit hanging out with immature morons.

Don’t even consider another relationship until you get this last one off of the stage.

Twenty-one days has a nice ring to it. If you can go twenty-one days without mentioning her name, maybe then you can date someone else.

Last thing:

BE HAPPY!

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Remember you asked

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the seed