Question 13 Obsessed.........

Dear Seed:

• do you believe in following your heart?
• do you believe that love (along with one's will) conquers all?
• if so, why?
• if not, why?

i love a certain person who has serious mental health problems. he believes it is best for me, not for himself, that we not be together. is he allowed to make such a decision? i think it's unfair and even underestimates me. that it should be up to me. i think it is best we are together. i think loving someone implies that you be there for them, no matter what, or the cost. love implies responsibility and willingness to sacrifice.

i know that i cannot be with anyone else. i've never felt any inclination or desire to be with anyone else. i know it will be hard but that is the only thing i can accept. i will not be satisfied with life without him. i've had over two years to examine myself, my feelings, to see the difficulties and challenges. i admit it is hard to deal with. a lot of the time i wonder if i make things worse. at the same time something in his voice makes me understand that simply being there, holding on, helps. also he has said so. he tries to push me away. he thinks that i will end up looking to someone else for support. at one period of our relationship when things were not that clear and we weren't talking i sent pictures of myself to some people online, nothing i wouldn't show my grandma. he takes this as proof and example of what kind of person i am or of what might happen. i've never done anything sexual with anyone.

i didn't mean anything by it. i didn't even remember until he reminded me. we weren't talking and i guess i was trying to get some kind of...i don't know...i don't know. maybe i was just bored.

he also has all this fear regarding myself and having male friends. he says it's impossible they all want to be in a girl's pants. what do you think? basically i want to know if you think it is best to give him some time and space to come around? to see that i won't be changing my mind, that i am faithful etc. what is your advice? i really have no clue. all i know that is that i love him, that i want to be with him and that his well-being is the most important thing to me.

i don't know if i should tell you what his illness is or not. he also has a problem with me quote talking about him behind his back'. i don't. but once i said i felt he was using me, that was a long time ago when i didn't understand what was going on with him. ya. anyway! starts with sch! if you use this on your site you can sign my name however you want. just don't use me email, or my email name. or my initial.

thanks. --

Confused About Love

" Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them. Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it. Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved, but for the patience to win my freedom. "

-Shantideva

Dear Confused About Love

I would like to start off by saying thanks for sending me a question. I (we) will do the best we can to provide you with an answer that is insightful, somewhat thoughtful and funny at the same time. However, some of the subject manner is far beyond my expertise.

What is my expertise you might ask?

Well lets just say it is in the development stages, therefore, there is no guarantee that my suggestions will be beyond peradventure. The one thing I can guarantee is; I will do my absolute best to at least make you smile. You may be offended, but at least that offence will be shared with a smirk.

CAB, if I may call you that, to begin with, answer me one question: Why do you hate CAPITAL LETTERS? I know it is a tough question to answer, but maybe, just maybe, it is the root of all of your problems. In university I walked past a couple of classrooms where psychology was being taught and I actually dated a psychology major for a while. What I learned from my strolls and from being intimately involved with someone who actually went into these rooms to learn, is that your fear of CAPITAL LETTERS may show that you lack confidence and that you may suffer from low self-esteem. Of course I never discussed this during my romps with my girlfriend or my romps with anyone with any psychological competence, it is just what popped into my head whilst reading your question. My gut tells me I am right. My gut also tells me no more fast food.

As for the meat of your questions.

• Do I believe in following my heart?

Yes. Probably not in the context you have in mind. Actually on second thought, in most cases I like to be going along at about the same pace as my heart. Following it, would imply that it has left my body and had assumed some sort of leadership role that I happened to believed in, and thus would be more than eager to follow it down whatever path it had in mind. This would likely be a fatal mistake. Wait. Actually I would already be dead. I’ve been to a hospital before, I’ve walked past some classrooms where doctor type stuff was being taught and I dated a nurse for a while and during our discussions of matters of the heart, they all concurred on one thing: Without a heart - You’re Dead. So I am going to stick to my original answer……

Screw that, sure it is important to listen to what your heart or your gut or any other part of your physical and emotional make-up tells you. I’ve listened to Willie on several occasions now. Trust your instincts.

Having said that, I would like to add a disclaimer: Unless you are some sort of psycho. The kicker in this “following your heart” concept is this: If your heart is telling you that ABE or CHUCKY is the only guy for you and you love them wholeheartedly and that they are the ones that make your heart go skip - skippity - skip - skip - gaoung - gaoung - ga giggy goaoung, you better hope that ABE or CHUCKY’S hearts are leading them down the same path as yours and that you are the one that makes theirs go (see skip - skippity…….. above). If you are not CAB, you’re stepping into a very gray and frightening area. THE LAND OF THE NUT.

The point is, it is not your decision to make if someone else feels the same way about you as you do them. You can’t force someone to love you or care about you. You can try. It won’t work. NEVER. Maybe a hundred years ago there was a chance, in this new day of age, love is no longer paramount in most cases. Harsh but for the most part true.

• Do I believe that love (along with ones will) conquers all?

Absolutely not. The whole premise of “love conquers all” screams of desperation and neediness. Love is like a drug, it is a chemical reaction to something. In the current edition of the world it is repeatedly being proven that the fix at least 50% of the time is not sustainable. Once a individual comes down from the “LOVE HIGH”, they go searching for another fix (infidelity or divorce) to validate themselves.

In my estimation the world is spinning out of control and desperate lost souls are grabbing onto whatever they can in hopes to be saved. I quite often grab onto beer. I find the more beer that I grab onto, that other things start to spin as well. For instance, the other night in an attempt to slow down the world I had a few too many pints, the result of the over-pinting was, the bar that I was in, started to revolve and I found myself waiting for the door to come around so I could leave and go home.

I’m just saying, everyone is messed up in some way, either coming from broken homes or the constant pursuit of gravy (the finer things in life), that we are all forgetting to stop and smell the flowers. To enjoy the simpler things in life. “Love conquers all”, suggests “hopelessly romantic,” which may be beautiful if you are Shakespeare, however, don’t all hopeless romantics die broken hearted?

(As well as ones ‘will‘), sounds a bit scary to me. Are you going to pull out some sort of doll of Abe or Chucky and poke it with pins in a hopes to make him love you. You can’t ‘will’ someone to love you. Suggesting it, well suggesting it suggests, that you don’t respect their opinions and you are going to force your opinion on them till they see things your way. You can ‘will’ yourself to run a marathon, to complete a project, to eat whatever Joe on Fear Factor puts in front of you, but you can’t ‘will’ someone to love or care about you. Now stop trying to do it.

I think I just answered the why? or why not?

CAB we are talking about the heart here. There is no rhyme or reason to it. We are just getting it wrong on this planet that is all. If you tried to ‘will’ your love on me I would grow increasingly tired of it. Eventually I would stop talking to you and either move or change my phone number.
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CAB what I suggest here is that you get some help and talk to a professional. I can’t offer you the type of help your question suggests that you need. I can offer some sarcastic wit and dry comedy. I can also offer some suggestions from my perspective, which luckily happens to be right from time to time. But that is about it.

Having said that, you’ve spent 2 years of your life examining your feelings for someone you are not with. You are deeply in love with someone who “has serious mental health problems.” And he feels it is best for you two not to be together.

LISTEN TO HIM.

He is very wise, he likely recognizes that he is damaged goods and with damage comes problems. That is not suggesting that he doesn’t deserve to be loved and cared for, but unfortunately, life has dealt him some pretty shitty cards that he has to deal with every single day. He has to deal with his own shit and trying to deal with someone who is telling him what is best for him just adds to his burden. It is not your place to decide what is best for him.

From the tone of your letter I am more concerned that you need help. It is not healthy to need someone as much as you profess to need him. Look CAB I really feel for your situation, I too have thought that I loved someone so much that I couldn’t be without them. I did everything I could to try to remain friends and show them that we “could work.”

What a waste of time and a load of crap. When I finally finished my self-examination period, I came to the conclusion that though, on the surface noble, I wasn’t respecting their wishes and more importantly respecting myself. You can’t truly love someone else until you get your own house in order and “neediness,” is not in order.

OK, that’s about it for the time being, I am quickly going to summarize my thoughts for you.

1. He doesn’t want you, at least not the current version.
2. It is best for you to seek some help and find someone professional to talk to about your feelings.

You are likely a very loving and caring person and you sincerely want to help him. The problem is he is flawed and challenged and in his flawed and challenged state he realizes that romantic involvement is not the best thing for him or anyone else. I feel for him. But he sounds like a smart guy. So give him the space. Unfortunately for you, until you can get your own emotions in order, it is likely best that you stay away from him or any other romantic involvement for that matter. Quit trying to save him. It sounds like he resents it. Go get yourself help and get yourself happy.

As for his thoughts on your “male” friends. He is once again very wise. Ask yourself this question: If you are so in love with this guy, why do you need other “male” friends?

A lot of people argue my thoughts on this subject. Most of those people are divorce statistics or heading for one in the future. The thing is: MEN AND WOMEN are wired differently, we have different tastes, desires and interests and once you have entered into a committed relationship or marriage the rules change. They have to if you want the relationship to last. In fact the change will be effortless if you are with the right person. Sure, there is an exception or two to this and every other rule, but that is it. The whole adage opposites attract is based on these different interests. The guys provides one side of the relationship make-up and the girls the other side. Combined these different elements are supposed to lead to relationship harmony and balance.

Once you are, as I said earlier, married or committed, if you are still entertaining the thoughts of others wo(men), you likely aren’t with the right guy or girl to begin with. Guys night and girls nights out end. That doesn’t mean you can’t hang with your friends, it just means you’ve supposedly found the right person so your priorities must change. If they don’t your relationship is DOOMED. But you know that already, cause your not really committed to begin with if you are hanging with other men.

Why are you tormenting him if you love him?

As for getting into your pants. If you are attractive, interesting and funny. The answer is YES. Especially if they are single. If they are not, where the hell is their girlfriend or wife? (Insert Divorce Court Here). I can’t believe a lot of people don’t understand this concept yet. No guy or girl wants to hear what Ben or Suzie have to say about ANYTHING.

The only exceptions to the above paragraph are the following: if the guy has already been in your pants, if he is gay, or if he is better looking than you. As for the last option, the only reason he would be hanging with you was, if he is gay.

As I said get some help. I hope I provided you with a smidgen of comedy and some useful advice. Personally I don’t like to be this serious. Life is meant to be lived to the fullest.

CAB grab the world by its ____ and go out and have a blast. Let your friend go. Worry about only yourself for a while and who knows in time (a year or two), when you find yourself laughing, smiling and living, you may no longer remember why you thought you needed him in the first place. And get your CAPITALS fixed.

As for me - I need to go grab onto something.

Remember You Asked.…

-the seed

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Question 12 Can't get a woody.........

Dear Seed

I have this problem where, when I have an erection, it fades minutes later, even when I'm with a really hot chick.

I used to think I was a total stud, now I'm starting to doubt myself. I read something you wrote where you said you had the staying power of a slug.

Is this true?

And if it is, what's your secret?

Limpy

Dear Limpy

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Your best friend Harry has a brother Larry

In five days from now he's gonna marry

He's hopin you can make it there if you can

'Cause in the ceremony you'll be the best man

You say "neato"... check your libido

And roll to the church in your new tuxedo

The bride walks down something something something

Something something something………….

partial lyrics/young mc - bust a move

You’re gay.

Remember You Asked.…

-the seed

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Don't forget to explore www.seedenterprises.com

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And, if you like what you see pick up a copy of:

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Seed's Sketchy Relationship Theories

A Guide to the Perils of Dating

(How not to become a bar regular)

Question 11 “At work, seemed, ended up falling in love, but…..”

Hello Seed,

Paragraph 1

I stumbled across your website and wondered if you could help me out. I am in need of some major advice. You see as every story its quite long, but, I will trim it down to the important bits, but, sorry in advance for it being so long. I am currently going thru/thought I have dealt with a break up.

Paragraph 2

I am 21 years old and am still in love with my first love who broke up with me a year ago. It seems really weird that I am still not over her, after a full year? I am much better as in I don't get depressed as much, I don't cry as much, but, all those little things such as hearing her name, hearing a song or anything to do with her sends me into a mad thinking phase. Now I'm at the stage where I want to accept the fact that I need to move on. I know in my head that she was wrong for me. She did treat me really badly, but, my heart is still dealing with the pain and I'm still asking myself why? And having visions of, in the future she will come back or we will be together again.

Paragraph 3

It all started 3 years ago when I met her at work, we knew each other for months and seemed to get on really well. I was in my 1st year of university and she was taking a year out (were both the same age) and was planning to move away to university the following year (to a town next to mine only 20 minutes away by car). We ended up falling in love and having a great time as well.. We had our ups and down like most people, but, there was genuine love there. As it got more serious I was becoming more worried that when she moves away things will all change, she will find someone else etc. As Asians it hard to date because of family pressures etc, her brother and sister both worked at the same place so we were effectively dating in secret. So it was hard to find time to ourselves.

Paragraph 4

When she moved away we had been dating a year already so we felt strong enough to carry it on. When she moved away everything changed, not for the bad, but, for the good. We grew closer and fell in love more. We were free and finally able to spent loads of time together and I used to stay up there like 3 times a week or so. We had problems at the start because she moved away and she was really lonely and wanted me to be there all the time, which is understandable. Then at the end of the year she came back home for the summer and started to work at my place again and things were back to the secret dating. But, we were so close and she often talked about getting married and her telling her parents.

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Paragraph 5 - 6 - 7

Then I got a placement offer for a year as part of my university degree to move to the capital London which is bout’ 3 hours from her. I was so happy because it was a massive company (ABC) and I had worked so hard to get the placement. She was so happy for me as well and we said it wouldn‘t matter where I was because our love was so strong and I was only there for a year and she was going to tell her parents soon anyway. So, things looked so good.

I moved away and she went back to her university and moved in with 4 of her girl mates. This is when things started to go down hill. She was increasingly becoming too busy for me and for the first time I felt like whenever I called her or texted her, I was getting in her way so to speak. It was like the roles had reversed from the year before. I had moved away she was settled, but unlike me she didn’t help me at all and I got really upset. But, we met up a lot and our 2 year anniversary was fast approaching. On that anniversary she apologized for not being there for me and said it was weird living with people because there always doing stuff and always busy. I said to her its fine as long as you don’t turn me away. I’m happy for you. I explained that I moved to a new city and just needed her that extra little and now I’m ok.

So, after that weekend I returned home and I was buzzing. She told me repeatedly how much she loves me and can’t wait to get married. Then it happened, I called her the next day and said I miss you loads lets meet up next week and her answer was, I need to spend some time with my mates I can’t just spend all my free time with you. It was a fair point in a sense, but, I wasn’t being unreasonable. She spends the whole week with her mates and its only on weekends that I can spend time with her because of journey it was impossible for me to come down in the week. This was very hard to accept and it carried on for the next few weeks. It was always: “oh I’ll let you know when I’m free. Then we will meet up.”

Now for some dialogue.

I was determined not to make a big deal of it so I said ok and started to spend time with my mates as well.

Then one day I asked her if it was ok to see her on the weekend it had been 3 weeks since I seen her last and she goes: “I don’t know I might be busy. I’ll let you know.”

It came to Friday and no response from her so I called her and asked, “can we meet up? Cos if not I can make plans with my mates to go out (they were planning a boat cruise and were on my back to come).”

She said, “I’m probably going to go with my mates.”

So I said, “Ok fine il go with mine (not in a bad way).”

So the next day I wasn’t that upset. I went out with my mates and enjoyed the time.

Then she calls saying, “oh my mate decided not to go can you come down?”

“I cant now I already made plans.”

Then she kicked off with me!!

Can u believe?

She slammed the phone down after making a big fuss.

So when I got home I had a word with her saying its not fair, I have been put on hold for the last month declining my mates because I hoped you would say meet up but you never did and I even called u yesterday to ask b4 I confirmed with my mates and you said your busy.

I could notice this change in her, like when I called her mind was busy on other stuff so I said to her, “lets take a break, a week break, meet up and talk, see what you want cos im getting the feeling I’m in the way here.

Paragraphs & More Dialogue: It’s over.

So we did and in that week I thought I loved her so much, but I can’t carry on like this. I was hoping she would come to her senses. When we met up she was sorry for everything saying she was in the wrong and she doesn’t know why. She claimed she was falling out of love with me and wanted a bigger break so she can deal with what’s happening. She still wants me but doesn’t want to hurt me anymore by staying with me.

I didn’t like this but there was nothing I could do. Then after that I never heard from her. Weeks went by with nothing I tried calling and it was like, don’t call me etc.

Then like 6 weeks after she said, “she has been thinking and were too different we argue too much it has to end.”

And that’s it after 2 years, a month after she tells me she loves me so much she says this. I tried calling her. Even going down, but, she refused to meet up and threatened to change her number if I persist. I got no closer nothing.

I was left in London heartbroken and totally confused. I know I should of jumped first. But, I didn’t .. I sent her letter and everything but she told me she didn’t even read them cos she knew what they were going to say.

I tried my very best to try and bring us back together, but, she refused each time. So, 3 months on I’m determined to move on, so, I stopped calling, her and started living me life.

Then I would get the occasional call from her to ask how I’m doing. I thought this was so cheeky seeing how she just dumped me like that with no answers after everything that I have done for her all the waiting I did and it came to nothing. I didn’t say anything, I acted like a gentleman and just talked to her for a bit told her I was busy and; left it at that.

It came to her birthday and I was wondering whether I should call? I didn’t in the end, which prompted her to call me and say, “hey it was my b’day the other day.” Which was quite funny.

Then just b4 I was going to move back home I thought she has tried to contact me so many times since we broke up maybe she has come to her senses, I still loved her and thought I should call her and ask her to meet up. When I did she went psycho on the phone saying, “there is nothing to salvage, I don’t love you blah blah.“

I thought: “damn so much for calling!”

I moved back home and that’s when all the memories kicked in and she was on my mind again, I couldn’t get her off my mind. I was determined not to call again, cos she just blew me off last time, but, the hurt was all coming back. After a few months I thought I should call, so, I did, asked her to meet and she said, “no I don’t want to, I have moved on and I’m not ready to meet you, it will hurt me too much (even tho she said she has no feelings for me).”

I tried to explain to her, you acting like I cheated on you or something. Why you always giving me the hard shoulder?

Gearing up for the Question

All I want is to get closure and move on, so when we do speak there is no tension, it was responded by a bitchy comment by her, so I left it. Then the next few months the thought were driving me nuts, I was dreaming of her and everything and the mere mention of her name would send me into a state of depression. So I sent her a long email, telling her that I still love you and miss you, I’m sorry for my part in this whole thing.

She did send me a email back saying that she doesn’t feel the same way, she has changed so much and don’t think it will work, we were changing which is why we started arguing so much ( I read it as she was changing, cos I wasn’t!)

She said that’s y people say, don’t settle down too early cos your mind develops and you start to change. That’s what happened to her. She told me to forget about her and move on. She doesn’t love me or have any feelings for me. She doesn’t want to be mates cos everytime I get in contact with her it brings back all the bad memories and she is just concentrating on her final year at university and doesn’t want to be involved with anyone.

I sent one back saying thanks for closure! I have changed too but I still love you.

People change all the time but doesn’t mean they cut off al ties with their loved ones.

She did have the decency to call me that evening saying she wanted to clear the air, it was a nice convo, not full of hate or tension. She explained she didn’t want anyone she just wanted to be alone, she was changing, which was y she was neglecting me and it was best if I moved on and that was it. That was 2 weeks ago

I’m still finding it hard to accept and I think its cos after everything I did for her I at least deserve more detail than we changed or we argued.

Finally the Question(s)

I guess I know I need to move on but sometimes I wake up hating her. I wake up missing her. I wake up not bothering. It’s just his circle I’m in and I cant seem to get out.

1. I really wanted to meet her face to face to see why?
2. Why when she san say I love you so much, then a month later it can all change?
3. Why does she find it so easy to accept when I’m finding it so hard?
4. If she has no feelings for me wotsoeva then why won’t she meet up to talk properly?

I just can’t accept how she handled it and really thought meeting up I could sense her real emotions and if it did end then end on good terms.

I have tried my best, even started seeing other girls but, didn’t want to take them any further because, I didn’t want them getting hurt cos I’m in an emotional state.

Sorry again for this being so long!

Your help is very much appreciated.

Help Please.

Troubled With Love

Dear TWL

Thank you for sending in your novel. I sincerely appreciate the time and effort you have taken.

FYI your question has set a modern day record for being the longest question ever submitted to a columnist. Kudos to you. I think it may be possible that the question is actually longer than the length of the relationship you are struggling to put behind you.

I've wrestled with trying to out do you, to write a longer answer. Or, to just tell you simply to move on. Which - by the way - is very important that you do. Not necessarily "move on" - instead, find a way to deal with your heartache. To perform a ablution of your heart.

In the spirit of giving you informative, funny and helpful advice (complete with cool graphics and pictures), I've decided to break your question down paragraph-by-paragraph in hopes to get to the root of your dilemma. I hope you don’t mind.

Paragraph 1

You "stumbled across?"

TWL if you are stumbling across websites may I suggest picking up your feet when you walk. Actually that may not help you. Websites as far as I know are virtual. They do not occupy any physical space. Therefore, stumbling across a website may indicate a real lack of coordination. --

As for "major advice".

• Have you asked others for advice yet?
• Were they not capable of providing you with "major advice"?
• What is this so called "major advice" you speak of?
• Is it a military thing?

If that is the case, would you not want "general advice"?

I'm so confused. I'm not in the military.

What I can promise you is that I will give you some "blunt advice".

Maybe not the advice you want to hear or accept, however, I guarantee that since I am removed from your situation (have no emotional attachment), I'll be able to answer your question brutally, sparing you the fluff a friend may try to dump on you.

If you read (listen) with an open mind and heart you may find yourself in a better position to masticate the remnants of your once strong relationship and eventually swallow, digest and put in a porcelain bowl for safe keeping, or to be flushed away as a once fond memory.

Currently "going thru/thought I..."

Once again I'm confused. Flip - flop, flip - flop. It can't be both ways TWL. You can't be “over” and “going thru” at the same time. It sounds like you have a split personality. Maybe you have a drunk personality and sober personality. Maybe, just maybe, drunk TWL is still going thru stuff and sober TWL has found a way to cope. If that is the case, maybe drunk TWL needs to take a break and let sober TWL run things for awhile. If it happens to be the other way around, I feel bad for you. Drunk all the time is not a good thing.

I’m not suggesting by the way that you are a drunk, hell, I don’t even know if you drink at all. All I’m implying here is that the “over” side of your personality needs to be in charge right now.-------

If you do happen to be a solid consumer of the amber elixirs of life: what are some of your favorite watering holes in London?

That concludes my analysis of P1. Thus far 62 words and no question.

Paragraph 2

SLAAAPPPPPP!

Snap out of it. You're 21 years old. As much as you don't want to hear this: YOU DON“T KNOW SHIT.

You think you do, but, you don't. Very few of us do at that age. Maybe you are one of the rare exceptions. Let me soften that just a bit. You do know some things, obviously you have some talents, ABC has hired you. You must've done well in school to be recruited by them and I'm positive your future is very bright.

TWL you may have really loved this girl, but, and it is a big but, you have no business being in a committed relationship at your tender young age. Hell, she broke up with you when you were 20. You knew even less then. Life is just starting for you. This is your time to be a kid and make mistakes. A relationship that started when one is so young is destined for one place and that is the trash can. That is just the way it is. You can cherish it, learn from it and hope that some day you are lucky enough to find another relationship filled with the passion and excitement you have just experienced. In fact it is important that you don't settle for anything else. However, the next time love comes knocking in such an all-consuming fashion, hopefully you will have a greater sense of self and be a more rounded man, allowing the relationship the best chance of survival.

“First love” is such a rush. It strains the pants so to say. You will never get over it. Why would you want to?

What you can do is try to keep it in a place where it can remain an amazing memory and significant part of your life. The reality of the situation is that if you don’t come to that conclusion and find a way to store the memory as a fond one, you will destroy the memory and that will do you and your ex absolutely no good.

One last thing. Stop thinking. Her name doesn’t only belong to you, nor, do the songs that send your mind churning. If you think they do - you may need to lock the rest of the world out.

That concludes my analysis of P2. Thus far -- words and no question.

Paragraph 3

Wow!

At work, seemed, ended up falling in love, but, genuine love, serious, more worried, someone else, As Asians, family pressures, dating in secret, find time to ourselves, wind storms, amputations, premature ejaculation, earthquakes, locusts, fires, flat tires, substance abuse and so on and so on.

I've got a question for you:

• How did you ever expect the relationship last?

The fact that it lasted 3 years is a miracle and makes it much like the length of your question, eligible for the Guinness book of World Records. As much as you felt you were in love (I'm not saying that you weren't), long-lasting was doomed from the get go.

Let's examine further.

• At work:

1. Workplace romances can be exhilarating.
2. You have an ally to spend time with.
3. To escape from the drudgery with.
4. Have lunch with.
5. To have secret rendezvous’ with.
6. To gang up on co-workers (opinion wise) with.

Depending on the environment the secret can give the relationship a voyeuristic feel. The excitement of the secret can give the relationship life and spice it up. But, when it wanes and things aren't tickity-boo, it can become a living nightmare. A place where you can't escape your existence. The solace that it once provided becomes.............hell. And, depending upon company policy, everyone else may despise your flaunting and frankly wish you and your bliss would eventually spiral out of control to a painful end. Joy will eventually come from your despair.

That’s not to say that workplace romances can't work, but...........

• Ended up falling in love & serious.

Ended up falling in love doesn't sound like love at all. People don't end up falling in love. Sure over time people may realize that they really love someone who has been constantly around them. Hence, "grow on". Ended up on the other hand just sounds like you were sort of bored and it was the best option available.

When you combine that with "serious", as in "got more serious": What the fuck does that mean?

Another sign of doom for a relationship is to get serious. People have been getting serious about relationships for a long time now and this penchant for making a relationship serious usually leads to: divorce if your married or the end of the relationship if you are just dating.

Think about it for a moment…………………………………………………........................that’s long enough.

How many serious friendships do you have?

My guess a big fat zero.

Just like friendships relationships are supposed to be fun. A place of support and comfort from this big fucked up world. If you allow them to become serious, you may as well just walk away, because I guarantee that if you decide to try to salvage the serious train wreck, you'll find yourself in a counselors office being instructed to lighten up and find ways to put spark into your relationship. Such as: greeting your lover wearing nothing more than saran wrap or bringing home toys. Likely things you were doing before it became serious in the first place.

Serious to me means the relationship has lost all spontaneity (which does happen) however, if you forget to romance your partner and become serious. I wish you luck. The moment a relationship becomes serious, you may as well write its eulogy, because it is likely dead.

Don't believe me - check the divorce rate, I bet you find a direct correlation with serious relationships.

If you'd like carry it a step further: ask couples who've been married for a long time if they consider their relationships serious?

The answer may surprise you.

That is not to say that there are not serious moments, such as illness, death, maybe work..... I'm struggling to think of more.....seriously I am.

As the group Snap sung, "I'm serious as cancer - rhythm is the dancer."

If you'd like to help Seed out with times that it is important to be serious in a relationship please send your suggestions to me at askseed@hotmail.com

I'm not quite done, I am painfully serious about this. Serious is one of the most misused and negative words in our vocabulary. "Get serious." "Must buckle down and get serious about studying." "Serious accident." Serious illness."

Do you get where I'm going?

It is time that we all took a deep breath and stopped being so fucking serious about everything. I'll go as far as saying that if I was sick, terminally ill for that matter - every "serious" visitor that dropped by would be asked to leave. I wouldn't need anymore heartache in my life. I'd already be dying, that is fucking serious enough, in that instance I definitely wouldn't want people around me treating me like I was already dead. Bring on the clowns.

* That doesn’t mean there are not certain things in life that you need to be “responsible” about. Raising children comes to mind. It is very important to teach strong values & morals, a sense of right & wrong, encourage, nurture & support, all with a touch of discipline and structure. I believe that sometimes is mistaken for being serious.

• Seemed & but.

TWL, who are you trying to convince?

If you’re in love, those terms don't really exist. If it is really love, "serious" love, there wouldn't be hesitation. You'd know it.

As for but, sounds like your trying to convince yourself by ignoring what is really missing from your relationship. You even used but, in a really strange way.

Most of the time buttheads sing some praises for their relationships, their jobs, their dicks, their.... well that is enough, and they follow the praise with the inevitable shortcomings and their eventual excuse for bailing on each of the above by inserting "but".

1. But is a qualifier that highlights for whomever listens as to why you need to change your life.
2. But signifies the start of the end. I love her, but....is like saying she'll do until I get really pissed at her or until someone better comes along who doesn't have as much butt.

However, your usage is quite intriguing. You reverse the order, you talk about the negative, the "ups & downs" and then you repeal it by saying there was "genuine love".

Because of this I’m really questioning if you were in love or just trying to convince yourself that you were. I'm sure you were infatuated and that their was "genuine like" for this girl, but, "love," I'm not feeling it.

Maybe a neediness. Maybe a fear of loneliness. Or, maybe a fear of butts.

Along with adding your fear of her "finding someone else", TWL, that's not love, that is insecurity speaking. Love is based on trust. Sure there can be a hint of jealously, but, come on, if you say the love is genuine in one sentence, it is not a good idea to say that you’re jealous and controlling in the next. I know this from experience, I had this magical genuine love you so speak of. It lead me to the land of trust with jealously removed. The problem was: for my gal she genuinely loved cheating and not me. Bitch.

However, that won't change the program for my next love. If I ever utter the L word, trust has to be part of the package. If it isn't, it ain't love.

• Asians/dating in secret.

I understand your pain. I dated a girl who was Half-Asian. She had been adopted by a full Japanese family. Though she didn't "hide" me, her parents never approved and made it their mission to let her know everyday. Bitches.

I deeply loved her. Envisioned a life with her. I was incredibly happy. Unfortunately, the pressure placed upon her by her family to date within her culture eventually put too much of a strain on our relationship and it came to an end.

This left me spinning and looking for answers. They never came.

Was I mad at her? I was way too busy being pathetic and trying to find ways to win her back. I continually thought that if only I could shower her with my love from different directions, one day she would come around and realize what she was missing.

Instead of my desired result, she stopped worrying about my broken heart and started to worry more about why I just wouldn’t accept things and go away. Let her live her life and whether her decision was wrong or right, give her the space to figure out what she needs in her life.

By pushing, trying and buying countless self-help books on rekindling lost love, I truly showed how much of a selfish pathetic schmuck I was becoming. And to make matters worse I was pushing her further and further away.

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Cross-cultural dating can be difficult at best. I know it was hell for my ex girlfriend. It is getting easier as we get into second and third generation families. The old standards are coming down. -

Dating in secret though - sorry for saying this: Isn’t really dating at all and your ex was never prepared to deal with her family issues. That in no way is a reflection on you, however, it was once again a sign that your relationship didn’t stand a chance. It simply couldn’t.

That concludes my analysis of P3. I give you credit - I’ve never read a paragraph before that revealed so much and gave me so much to write about. Thank you. You may have provided me with material for 4 Chapters of a new book.

“If Your Saying But - May As Well Write the Eulogy.”

Official But Meter - 23. TWL used but, 23 times in his question. What does that tell you?

Thus far -- no question.

Paragraph 4

You’ve now spent some time in your “secret” relationship and then it seems in year 2 it was time to make things more challenging by throwing long distance into the equation. I know you guys didn’t actually throw it in, life did.

Do you know how many long distance relationships survive?

Less than 1%.

Do you know how many long distance relationships last when the lovers are young?

The answer is so small that……..

Sure if your only apart for a year or even a couple of years, maybe there is a chance. However, once again it all depends on what direction life sends you. If you at any time stop living your life and go chasing after love - - once again “Good Luck.”

There simply has to be more.

As for your situation TWL, of course in the beginning everything would seem better. She was lonely, away from home and missing her first love. You say it yourself, so, you must understand it. Until she got settled and found new friends, your presence was a god send to her.

You need to love yourself for being such a great boyfriend and being there for her during these times. Don’t fuck it up with your own neediness. Wait it may be too late for that.

The suggestion: getting married and of telling her parents, reeks of manipulation. She likely was using that to keep you around. She knew it was a power she could control you with.

By using that I’d say she was being a bit of a…….

That concludes my analysis of P4. Thus far No Question.

Paragraph 5 - 6 - 7

It all falls apart.

You said you loved her right?

Now you’ve coming up on year 2 of a secret relationship. Year 1 was the chemical reaction of falling in love for the first time. Nothing is like it. But the question is: is it sustainable?

I remember the first time I mastr….. Though enjoyable it had to eventually end. Three days after it started I found myself cleaning up the corresponding mess. I cherished the moment and felt a little guilty at the same time. Fortunately for me I got back on the horse and have been…..

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Sorry back to your problem. Ahh fond memories. Year 1 was full of excitement. Unfortunately is was also filled with a pretty significant lie.

With year 2 came separation. Sounds like the first time your gal had been away from her family and for sure the first time you had been away from your “first love.”

Few things are as painful. In your instance the distance* wasn’t so great that you couldn’t see each other. Which in turn gave you some freedom like never before. You found yourself falling deeper by giving yourself to her and by helping her ease the pain of loneliness. For the first time you could live the relationship without the corresponding lie. Must’ve been fantastic. Too bad she was still behind the curtain.

* “instance the distance,” could I possibly be rapping?

To make it even more challenging, you were both away from home. This time you were lonely too. How dare her, not giving the same unconditional support I had given her months earlier when she was on her own?

TWL listen to yourself. Your both young with the big bad exciting fucked up scary world in front of you. You’ve got a chance to go explore and experience new things and people.

1. Why would you want to put conditions on it?
2. Do you want to limit your life experiences?

You say that your mad at her for not giving you the same love and support as you gave her. Realize by doing that you are screaming that there were conditions on what you had done for her. If you really expect something in return you really weren’t expressing love. You were simply lending it to her. Which my friend isn’t really love it is manipulation. And by telling her: “it’s fine as long as she doesn’t turn you away.”

Big mistake. There is no response she could possibly give to that. She may not want to hurt you, but, you are putting her in a corner and yelling that you’re needy and you’re not going to let her live her own life.

A Seed Insight

When a couple is involved in a long distance romance, life can be exciting. Since you don’t have to see each other every day and deal with the day-to-day crap that sometimes tears relationships apart. Or, cements strong love bonds. Things can be amazing. You count the seconds till you see each other. You talk on the phone or online regularly. Each time you meet there is a whirlwind of activity, infatuation and excitement. The sex can be full of passion and mind blowing.

Until - until life happens. Until one of you makes new friends. Until one of you loses your neediness. When that happens the twine that is holding the relationship together will often splinter apart with the neglected lover picking at the splinters until everything begins to unravel. He/she may realize what they’re doing is creating problems, however, they’re neediness may take over until the picking destroys what once may have been love.

If it continues, what was once a whirlwind of activity, infatuation and excitement will deteriorate to, I don’t love you anymore.

That concludes paragraphs 5 - 6 - 7. Thus far No Question.

Now for some dialogue.

I’m tiring. I’m still with you though. TWL is there really a question at the end of this? Or, were you just honing your typing skills. There better be some sort of questioning payoff. I need the money shot.

It is a good thing that you asked her permission to come down. And, it was very good that when she turned you down - you made other plans. Very healthy. A little secret on relationships. If you don’t make yourself available at all times - you become more desirable.

The problem with that is, it is a form of manipulation and if you are dealing with “true love,” you’re just being stunned. With “true love” manipulation dies.

Yes I can believe it. For the first time you weren’t at her beckon call. That likely shocked her. Doesn’t mean she loves you. Or, that she wants to be with you. It simply means she wasn’t getting her way and that confused her. For the first time her manipulation of you wasn’t working.

TWL, regardless of this, your relationship was over a long time before this. It likely was over as the “secret” continued. Your challenge is to find the guts to accept it.

Still no question.

Paragraphs & More Dialogue: It’s over.

Smaaacckkkk….. Wake Up

You are simply now starting to screw-up royally. I was going to say fuck-up royally, but, I thought you may not accept such strong sentiment.

I know I’ve been there. Not quite to the horrific degree that you are, however, close enough to have a grasp of what you’re going through. Keep reading and I’m going to give you some insight that - - that you may not like, you may even try to “take the piss” out of it. I assure you that I’ve given my answer a lot of thought and I’m responding to what you’ve told me and my friend, you’ve given me a lot.

TWL stop thinking about yourself. You are not only fucking up. You are starting to cross over some scary boundaries.

• She would come to her senses. She was in the wrong. Bigger break. Nothing I could do. Threatened to change her number.

Look. You’re relationship is over. Probably forever. At least for a long - long time. There really is no point of you pining and hoping. She has now repeatedly told you what she wants and you’ve basically ignored her wishes. Whatever love you did have for her is now being replaced by your needs and selfishness.

SHE OWES YOU NOTHING.

Accept that she loved you. That is a beautiful thing. You say she says she was wrong. That shows that she does care and she doesn’t want to hurt you or cause you anymore pain than you’re already feeling. She is trying to give you an easy out. Take it.

There is nothing that you can do. Wait - there is something and it is very important that you do it. Stop trying to win. There is nothing to win and there never was. We don’t win our intimate relationships. If they are competitions, sure, they can be filled with passion and excitement, however, when the explode, implode, erupt or whatever other descriptive wording you choose it is best to run and get clear of the pending mess that is coming. Heal yourself at a distance. Cause’ the other option is going to stunt growth and render you bitter for the future.

Here is the kicker: Threatened to change her number. Respect that. If you don’t you are risking crossing some lines that may impact your career and future love interests. If you don’t respect that wish…..

I suggest changing your number. Make it difficult for her to reach you. Stay far away.

What did you ever do for her?

If you loved her. Everything you did was for yourself and your relationship. It wasn’t for her. Get that type of thinking out of your head. Unfortunately, sometimes we hope for some reciprocation and it never comes. Those are just the breaks of life.

Still no question.

Gearing up for the Question

I’ve never understood what “closure” in a relationship is.

What could closure possibly do for you?

I know this may be upsetting to a lot of people who feel that they need a reason. That way they will be able to move on and become a better person. More loving in the future.

Closure, what a load of garbage. Just imagine. You are a good person. You have strong morals and values. You’re ambitious. Have a solid sense of right and wrong. You’re loving, supporting, nurturing, etc., etc. etc.

Then you get dumped. Do all of those tremendous attributes go away? You know the answer.

Sure you may get thrown through the emotional grinder. You may question everything about yourself, however, if you take the time and look inside, you will realize that your still a great guy and it ultimately will be her loss.

Therefore, no reason she could possibly ever give you will be good enough. You need to just chalk it up to circumstance, maybe her insecurities or dysfunction and maybe even her family issues.

Even if you were offered this so called “closure” there are only so many options - you could:

1. Discount it.
2. Be hurt by it.
3. Become increasingly needy and say repeatedly that you will change.
4. And, if you do change based upon trying to win her back. You’ve got some bigger problems and even if you were taken back, it would only be a matter of time before you’re dumped again.

The fact is that she doesn’t want you anymore and if you keep pushing, you may get an answer, but, I guarantee, it won’t be one you like.

I am really speaking from the heart here.

Getting close to a question.

Finally the Question(s)

I don’t suggest moving on. Your love for this girl is significant. It is after all your first love and first love sometimes cause the greatest pain. With that pain comes the greatest opportunity for growth. So instead of “just getting over it” and “moving on,” try to find a way to put it in a place where you can cope and come out the other side a more caring and loving person.

I truly hope this doesn’t fall on deaf ears. DON’T MEET UP WITH HER. Even if she agrees to it. It won’t do you any good. Do you really want to hear if she is dating someone else, doesn’t love you anymore or anything else?

As for saying she loved you and then breaking up. Just like you are now, she was likely messed up. Remember she too was giving up on her love too and that is not that easy to do. She may have manipulated you on a few occasions, but, she still loved you and unless she is a heartless bitch she really doesn’t want to hurt you. Constantly pressuring her is making hurting you more her only option. If you love her and yourself for that matter, don’t make her go there.

Sorry to tell you this. You may have just (wait a second it has been a year), started dealing with it. She has dealt with her pain a long time ago. Once again don’t be selfish. She just wasn’t on the same schedule as you and it is unfair of you to impose your will on her.

As for seeing other girls. You are a long way from ready. A long, long way. Maybe you can rebound a bit to help stroke your ego, but, right now my friend you are damaged goods. If you are no good to yourself, how could you possibly be good too anyone else?

Go take care of yourself. Pamper yourself a bit and heal.

Finally, you have to accept it, there is no other sane option. I do feel for you.

Some final words.

I had no intention to out-write you. I thought I would just crank out a few lines tell you to take care of yourself and that you are a great guy to care enough to ask the question. I think it is a sign of great character and very admirable that you realize you are in a bit of trouble.

Frankly TWL, some of your issues cause me a bit of concern and I definitely suggest seeking out a counselor to talk to about your feelings. I think it would do you a world of good. You’ve got a bright future ahead of you and you don’t want to spoil it on someone who isn’t capable of giving you what you need.

We all deserve better.

If you can find the courage to take a big time out (meaning cut all contact for a long, long time) and heal your broken heart, who knows maybe one day you’ll meet up with your “first love” again and when that day comes and you’re living a happy confident life: You’ll come to a place where you cherish the fond memories you had and smile.

Remember you asked

the seed

P.S. Hopefully you found this message helpful, funny and informative. I’ve changed your name and company to ensure your anonymity and will place it on my website in the near future. I would appreciate it if you encouraged others to visit our website at http://www.seedenterprises.com/ . I would also appreciate if you told others about my book: Seed’s Sketchy Relationship Theories - A Guide to the Perils of Dating (How not to become a bar regular).