Question 10 "I'm a Witch......."

"I'm A Witch"

Dear Seed:

My name is Dark Angel, also known as L T - my pen name. (names have been changed).

First, I am a Witch, I have a great deal of Creativity, my second manuscript has just been sent to a Publisher. I met a lady about two years ago, she is Gemini-Rabbit, I am Pieces-Boar, I have been told sometimes literally. However, my lady friend and I are no longer seeing each other, she cannot focus well. I sometimes focus too well, we have a great deal in common, yet, she is always busy with other things. I mentioned my manuscript. It had taken me fifteen years to ready it for publishing.

Back to my lady friend, she really is beautiful, and we did very much enjoy each other, in many ways, yet, she get busy with other things, of which I am not invited. We no longer see each other because of my work schedule. I would very much like to get together again, but she has chosen not to email me since my birthday March 11. What do you suggest?

Thanks,

Dark Angel

Dear Dark Angel

First, you’re a Witch. Second, you’re a Witch. Third, you’re a Witch. Beetle juice -Beetle juice - Beetle juice. I would like to say this could very well be our first question from a Witch and frankly I have to admit, initially I was a bit freaked out. I quickly rushed to the TV looking for Buffy reruns to gain perspective on what I was dealing with. After watching a few episodes and being memorized by the saucy sexiness of the Vampire Slayer and her fight to save the world from evil, I retreated to my bedroom to relax and conjure up love images of Buffy. After the conjuring was complete all I could think about was the fact that, you’re a Witch.

I quickly phoned all of my friends. Four minutes later I found out that I have no friends that are Sorcerers. So, we laughed. Quickly I realized it is inappropriate to laugh at things that you don’t understand. So, I laughed some more. When the laughter subsided I decided some research may help me dealing with a question with someone who is well versed in the Dark Side. Did I mention I love Buffy. Hmmmm sticky. I decided to look for some Witch based retreats to visit, I made call after call to Coven after Coven and unfortunately for me all the Covens I contacted were full, no room for number 14 at any of them. Luckily for me, because I do suffer from an acute case of triskaidekaphobia. Finally, I broke down and watched the first three Harry Potter movies in a quest for answers.

What did I learn from the Harry Potter movies? Well, I learned being a Witch is fucking cool. Challenging, yet still cool. Where the hell do I apply? What else did I learn? I learned that just like the Non-Witch members of society, there are good and bad. And that others try desperately to appear bad. Witching is no different than every day life. Of course with the exceptions of the capes, brooms, talking pictures, spells, potions wands, freakish animals, magic maps and the………..

No really literally.

Next I found myself leaving my environs to a enchanting far away place looking for the answers of the universe. I woke in a mythical land where furbelows were the norm and where the rich toiled in the heavens and those less fortunate were forced to struggle in the Stygian blackness below. Then I quickly snapped out of it and realized I was on Earth and these were the new realities of our society. Not quite the new realities, I am not sure who just wrote this, but c’mon - “furbelows”.

Dark Angel, as for your question. Boars and Rabbits make strange bedfellows. A tough fit in a sense. You say you met two years ago and have a lot in common but yet, she always seems to be busy with other things. You say that she can’t focus and you focus too much. It sounds to me she likes to be doing the “in common things” with others and she is using her rabbit like speed to keep you at a distance. As for her not being able to focus, who says? Once again she seems to be focused on staying out of your life. I say forget her. You are wasting your time.

And, “in common” is boring. People who are so focused on finding someone with a lot in common may as well just buy a mirror and date themselves. Embrace the differences, that is what makes life interesting.

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As for your manuscript, congratulations on finishing it and having the guts to send it off to a publisher. The whole book writing process is tough, full of rejection and self doubt. I know. The thing is I am not sure what it has to do with your love quest. Are you trying to impress her? If you are it appears as if she doesn’t care.

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You ask what do I suggest?

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Other than increasing her optical prescription and lowering yours. Forget her, it may be tough to do, however, repeatedly banging your head against the wall trying to get the attention of someone who at the moment does not appear to be on the same “love potion” is futile at best.

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There are lots of fine Wicca Babes out there who would be impressed by your writing and would love to have you wave a wand at them every now and again.

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Hopefully my words were of help. All I ask of you is to move on and please don’t cast any spells on me, unless of course they involve Buffy!

Remember You Asked.…

-the seed

If you were entertained, aggravated, excited or anything else please share our column with others. It is free after all. Once again thank you!

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If you haven't yet picked up a copy of Seed's Sketchy Relationship Theories - A Guide to the Perils of Dating (How not to become a bar regular).

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What's taking you?

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Just click on www.seedenterprises.com and buy away. Really. We'd appreciate it. If you don's LT may place a spell upon you.

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Thanks for your support!

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Make sure you tell your friends!

Question 9 Unrequited love can be a 'killer'

Hello Ask Seed Fans

Before we venture into the next question I feel it really needs a bit of an introduction. We encourage all sorts of questions to be fired our way and we will always try to answer them with brutal honesty and sincerity. However, a large portion of the answer is going to contain an off-beat, hopefully somewhat hilarious and entertaining rant. Having said that, we will never diminish another human beings existence on this planet. After our rants, we will always try to offer up some fresh perspective from the minds of the Seed Collective. We in no way claim any psychological competence. We use our life experiences to come up with the most entertaining heart-felt responses that we can.

The following question is actually not really a question. We are not sure what it is meant to be. We had posted some information about our book in a chat room and somehow this individual took over the chat string. In the previous Question from him (Devo 3) we took the question very seriously and decided that it required a serious answer. So that is what we did. After that answer he got back to us with the question below. Like said above, we will not diminish anyone’s life experience. All we can do is answer as honestly as we can. If you find yourself in the same situation as Devo 3, we recommend that you seek professional help. The reason we have included the questions from Devo 3 is to illustrate that life sometimes can throw us curve balls. As much as we would like it to all be light, unfortunately that is not always possible. Without any more hesitation here is the Devo 3’s second question (comment) and the way I addressed it.

Dear Seed.

I just saw this article (!) I was right all along!

Unrequited love can be a 'killer'

Lovesickness can kill and should be taken more seriously as a legitimate diagnosis, according to health experts.

(taken from BBC News UK Edition, February 6th 2005)

The article summarizes what I've been going on about and through - that the situation of depression caused by the loss of love, isn't taken seriously by most medical practitioners. And that it isn't just some kind of 'self pity' or artificial construct in the mind. It's almost like a disease - a cancer of the metaphorical heart. I for one, even with my 'spiritual' knowledge and beliefs, am finding it hellishly hard to survive. I can't imagine what those people who don't have much (or any) spiritual understandings must go through. I never mentioned this before, but I did know someone who committed suicide because of ruined love. There wasn't any support for him. We in this world don't really take ruined love seriously. We expect everyone to 'get on with it' and 'get over it', and for a lot of people there are no shoulders to cry on, or consorts to confide in. Most people don't know where to turn to, if they are affected badly. Anti-depressants are dished out left, right and center. My best friend was on anti-depressants a few years ago, and he's not been completely right since. I feel 'hope' is what is lacking most in people's situations. Hopelessness should be treated as an illness. I still suffer from it, and even though I've tried to get help, it wasn't any use. I don't know any 'magic cure' or formula, or 'medicine' that can alleviate this condition, but all I do know is that hopelessness kills, but hope saves...

Finally Validated

Devo 3

Dear Devo 3:

I hope you are still getting help. In my opinion you are focusing on the wrong stuff. Why are you wasting your time trying to prove that you deserve to be blue.

Smoking also kills. Not everyone. Well, eventually everyone. I am not sure why you are trying to win an argument that no one else is participating in.

This is going to be my last comment on this topic. I recommend you seek professional help. Not chat room diagnosis.

The only reason I am writing it is because I give a rats ass about people. I am convinced now that you really don't want any help. You have found what defines you and that is holding onto some illusion that you are heartbroken and need to cry on a shoulder. What answer could you possibly be looking for? That you are a good person. That you didn't deserve to be treated the way you were. I have read the posts from others and you have been told over and over again that you are good person and do deserve better. You can't keep asking the same question from different angles.

Depression sucks! I remember once trying to take my own life, because I thought I had lost the love of my life. I forgot who I was. Fortunately I snapped out of it. It would have been a waste of a fantastic life. Unfortunately we all likely know people who have committed suicide. That is a harsh reality of the times we live in. It is unfortunate. I remember when I was so painfully depressed I definitely could not take the time to write message after message in a chat room. I was too depressed to do that. I don't get what you are trying to accomplish. My advice is get out of this room, it is doing you absolutely no good. I said it before and will say it over and over again. The only way you will ever get better is to get out of here. When people ask you how you are doing. Lie. Say, "Great", no matter how you feel. You will be amazed at how much that helps. Other than that find one or two people who will listen to you. Just listen - nothing more. Until the day you get bored of telling the same story over and over again. The fact is, "your love", wasn't your love. She doesn't want you. Period. And if you ever have a hope of it returning, you have to go fix yourself. Announcing to the world you are screwed up in a chat room is not a very good way to go about it.

Like I said find 1 or 2 people, even a professional and just talk to them.

We are not equipped to give you the help you need. You really need to stay away from these chat rooms until you are better.

I feel for you, I really do, but it is enough already. Here is a excerpt from my book. Maybe this explains something for you.

[....]If you feel that you are not sure if you can get through this alone, then get some counseling. Sometimes we can’t work past all of the challenges of life on our own and the people close to us are not equipped or trained to give good advice. They have a host of their own challenges. For the sake of example, I don’t know one friend who could have possibly been able to deal with all of the events that took place in my life in the last year. They can listen, but to ask them for the answers is simply not fair.[....]

-excerpt from Seed's Sketchy Relationship Theories - A Guide to the Perils of Dating.

As for those events they are as follows:

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http://seedenterprises.blogspot.com/2005/04/creation-of-book.html

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So Devo you can see that life from time to time sucks. You are doing yourself no good wasting your time in a chat room. Maybe if you had found someone here to confide in that would be one thing. But is appears you haven't.

It is easy to keep asking the same question from different angles, hoping for a different response.

Look I would be very willing to listen to you and hear how heartbroken you are. Extend an Olive Branch, if you will. But not in here. That is one of the reasons you need to get your help from somewhere else. Typing answers which may be interpreted in a million different ways is not the answer.

And I will be frank here, I had not heard anything for a week or so on this post. That was fine. Then I receive a "See I told you all so" post. Grow up.

To all of my loyal Ask Seed followers, I promise never to let things get this heavy again. I think my head will explode if I do. I also promise to crank out some entertaining rants when I answer the next few questions. As for Devo 3, he really needs to see a professional. That is all I can say.

In another week I graduate from clown college, so stay tuned for some fresh and entertaining blasts from the mind of Seed.

Remember You Asked.…

-the seed

Question 8 Can a broken heart kill?

Dear Seed.

It seems that all I do is upset people.

Seed - I’m in a state of despair. I am consumed with grief and do not know where to turn. I have talked to several people over and over about the loss of my love and the damage that it has caused to my being. People no longer seem to want to listen, they don’t want to understand.

I have read portions of your book Seed’s Sketchy Relationship Theories. I agree a lot on your words, and perhaps I might be able to finish reading your book someday. What you said though in one paragraph, it so sums up my mess: "Love is not something that is to be taken lightly. When you tell someone you love them – that is, barring horrific events – it should be a permanent thing, something that will exist for a lifetime ... It should be something that if you say it, you mean it, and those to whom you express it should cherish this love. Period. No conditions. No insecurities. Sure, things might not work out with someone you love, but even when they don’t, the love needs to be permanent and if it is not or you don’t think that it can be then don’t say it. If you do, you are just lying. And the damage you are causing to another individual is sometimes insurmountable." This is the damage I've suffered - and I agree, I don't think I can surmount it, it's affected me too deeply. All because a woman was lying through her teeth. It's fucked up my mind, body and soul. And no amount of drugs are going to help me get past this shit. I wish I had never met her - I've lost everything because of how she treated me. This has hurt me so badly.

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I am to the point where I find myself constantly apologizing for my despair. I'm sorry for upsetting so many people with my words. It was never my intention. I have found it hard to continue on in life, when someone abandons you, but they are still continuing on like nothing ever happened, probably fucking every man in their town, whatever they told you was a lie, just so they could have sex with you to satisfy their insatiability. There is no closure - how can someone get over such an experience? I don't have the strength, I don't. I will never have children, because only the assholes who treat their children like shit are the ones that are lucky enough to get them in this sick world.

Well.... I'm pretty certain I'm going to be gone within the next few months. People are sick of my rantings, but I promise you that I will not speak anymore about my situation. If I do, you can come round and finish me off yourself. Seed is there anything I can do to alleviate my despair?

Desperate for Answers

Devo 3

Dear Devo 3

Wow. First off Devolution I suggest strongly that you see a trained professional. Your question has thrown us for a loop here at the offices of Ask Seed. If you are expecting a bit of an off tangent rant in attempts to provide the readers with a sampling of the comedic talents of Seed Enterprises I am afraid you will be disappointed. We treat every question with a degree of respect and only will flaunt humor when we deem it to be appropriate. It clearly is not here. Devo, I can’t stress this enough get yourself some physcological counseling there is no shame in that. We all go through trauma from time to time. Having said that - The Seed Enterprise Collective will not shy away from any question so here is our response.

We have all been through trauma and heartbreak. Whether it be illness, death or loss of love or a combination of all of these. Hell, I know for sure I have been there. I have felt my life was worthless and there was no point carrying on. Fortunately for me I snapped out of it. I realized it was a load of crap. I am not judging here, I am just making some simple observations. Below is a statement from Devo.

"I meant to say that it's hard to continue on in life, when someone abandons you, but they are still continuing on like nothing ever happened, probably fucking every man in their town, whatever they told you was a lie, just so they could have sex with you to satisfy their insatiability."

Devo, you said it right there very clearly. She doesn't want you. The simple fact that she lied to you, if true, means that she never likely ever did. I know you crave love. And I know you took my earlier words and expressed how much this hurt you. This does prove the power of the words, but what you are missing is this. It is pointless crying over and over and over again about someone who doesn't want you. Those are harsh words. I do not diminish your loss. I am even sure you are a pretty special person. The fact is you do need some help. People will listen to a point and then get tired of hearing the same thing. Some more than others. Some people will think they have the magic words to heal you. Maybe they do. But it is a long shot. In one week I have realized that this is consuming your life. You say she is f--ing others. That is no longer your problem. She does not belong to you.

If you thought she was your "true love" your actions now are only destroying any chance of it ever returning. You must remove yourself from the situation and regardless of how painful it is try to be happy. You can start the next time someone says Hello to you and asks how you are. Instead of dumping your heartbreak on them say you are "Great". Nothing more. If you need to still talk about it find one or two people who will listen to you. That is it. Just listen. Eventually you will get bored of telling the same story over and over and over again from different angles. If you do not have friends who will listen. Go to a professional. In your case you need to likely do that anyways. Focusing on your grief only perpetuates your grief. You can go on about this forever after all there are 6 billion people on this planet and when one tires of your situation, you will always be able to find another.

You claim it was love. This is going to sound very harsh. It couldn't have been. As I said, the use of the word love can destroy. What you are missing is - "If you allow it to."

Losing love is traumatic. Of great significance and I don't suggest just getting over it. But you need to come to terms with it.

You said, "Well.... I'm pretty certain I'm going to be gone within the next few months. People are sick of my rantings, but I promise you that I will not write anymore about my situation. If I do - you can come round and finish me off yourselves."

That is simply just offensive. How are people supposed to respond to that. You in one line insult everyone you are asking to help you. Guilt will not work here. When you say things like that you are not going to get a response that you enjoy.

As said above, your girl lied to you and she is likely sleeping around. Well, she is not sleeping around because she is not with you and has every right to do whatever she wants.

I am going to leave you with another bit from my book. Remember this is my perspective, you may agree, you may not. It is meant only to make you think. Take it for that.

[....]“Life’s Troubles Don’t Build Character They Reveal It” is another important theory. There is a lot of what I feel is misinformation out there about how one develops character. I believe that the way you are brought up, the values, morals and standards that are instilled in you by your family, relatives and your early social groups help greatly in the shaping of who you eventually become. But our true character, whether we are a follower or a leader a fighter or a quitter, are all revealed by how we react when life altering events take place such as the loss of a loved one by death or separation, the loss of parents, the loss of a job, health problems such as operations and so on. These are all very traumatic events that everyone and I mean everyone has to go through at some point of time in their lives and until these events begin to occur we will never really know the true individual that lies beneath.

Another point which falls under the category “misinformation” or just plain bullshit can be summed up in a simple phrase: “Get over it.” With this simple, short phrase people possessing absolutely no compassion and often with no comparable life experience attempt to put you down and minimize your trauma. “What, your true love just left you for Dr. Ken. Get over it – it’s just a break-up.” Another potential gem: “So, your family was killed in a car accident? Get over it. Be positive, things can only get better.”

If only life would be that simple. If it were, we could create a table or a list of appropriate periods of time required to “get over” traumatic events, for example: job-loss – 7 and half days; break-up with true love – 15 days; death of a loved one: 32 days, etc.

As we are human beings and not robots, traumatic events have an effect on us. Whether this effect is earth shattering, long lasting or of shorter duration depends of course on the event itself. This effect also depends on the character of the individual who has experienced it. If you cut your finger, and even though it really hurt, you probably won’t require sixteen sessions of therapy and a home nurse in order to help you deal with the trauma (unless you are, as mentioned earlier, a gigantic pussy).

The point is simple: grave situations or life-altering events have a severe impact on people. Life-altering events, as the adjective suggests, ALTER your life. Therefore, they shape and change you, how you feel about or view certain things and perhaps even how you think and act. You CAN’T get over these events as they become an irreversible part of your life. They don’t go away or undo themselves; they stay with you for the rest of your life. You can’t get over or digest the death of a loved one, but you can eventually come to terms with it.

A lot of people believe the crap from Nietzsche: “What doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger”. Well I am here to tell you, that is not the way it is [....]

[....]Back to the cliché’, that cliché may be true in some cases but most of these life-changing events usually just break individuals down and if you are not a person of great character it causes people to eventually quit and become bitter individuals. Maybe even regulars in bars wasting away their days complaining about what could have been. If you don’t believe me go to any bar or local hang out and you will be able to find hundreds even thousands of people whose life’s challenges got the best of them and they have given up on anything new and exciting ever fucking happening to them again. Sure they all have a sad story to tell and what I am going to say next is not really going to be that popular, all of these stories for the most part are “Fucking Boring.” Most of these people, when life gave them challenges revealed that they were weak of character, were not well rounded and had decided to give up. Cowards in a way. They have taken the easy way out and are now just killing time until they die.

I am not trying to diminish the significance of your life, by saying your stories are boring, they are not to those that love you. What I am trying to illustrate is that we all have had challenges to work through and unless they are unique these challenges are nothing new. It is just the way life is, you live, you die, you change along the way. I just want the change to be positive, don’t quit. Look for the positive in everything and though it may be tough to find it, it is there, even in trauma.[.....]

Excerpts from Seed's Sketchy Relationship Theories in a Chapter about revealing Character.

Devo - as I said this is my perspective from my own life experiences. I will not diminish yours. Let us just say mine could have easily destroyed me. I even once thought about taking my own life a long, long, long time ago. Funny though in a lucid moment during the process I broke out in laughter. In that one moment I realized what a waste of a great life that would be. People do love you and people do care about you. You may not see it right now because of your despair. I know I didn't. Especially when it is only one persons love you crave. Well I am sorry my friend that love may have been there, but it is likely gone forever. It is for sure gone forever if you wallow in pity.

If you need to talk, talk. If you want to take the cowards way out. Well the only people you are punishing are the people you love and those who have extended you an olive branch. Your ex likely wouldn't care, if your description of her is correct. It may even boost her ego. Your best revenge is to be happy and live a full life. The challenges are part of the journey. You need to find a way to come to terms with this. You need to like yourself.

That is the last time I will write about this. Like I said take it for what it is worth. Now is your time to improve yourself so you will be more appealing to your next love of your life. You need to come to some sort of some livable terms with this and find the positive in what has happened. It is there you just don't want to accept it. Frankly, why would you want to expend one ounce of energy on someone who "lied thru her teeth."

You are better off without her. Now work on yourself.

I am tired now. I need to lighten up a bit now. I think I need to go enroll in clown college.

In closing I came up with a saying which is basically my mantra for life it is:

Live - Love - Trust - Grow - Prosper - Cherish - With Passion Please!

Remember You Asked.…

-the seed

P.S. Don't apologize to me. I don't want to hear it. Apologizing to people does not give you the right to continue to wallow. Just get some help and take care of yourself. I am sure you are a fantastic person.

One last thing.

For those of you who enjoyed the excerpts I of course encourage you to check out our website at http://www.seedenterprises.com/ I also encourage you to pick up a copy of the book. You can follow the links on the site to find where to purchase it.

The book is not always as serious as the excerpts I have included. It is loaded with twisted humor. And it is full of passion and it is even a tad controversial from time to time. My co-author and I are very committed to making some positive change or at least encouraging discussion.

Question 7 Insurgent love quest......

Hey Seed:

I am a 24 year old man growing up in the mine fields of Baghdad. I have a real problem on my hands that hopefully you can give me some insight on. You see I am having a difficult time meeting women and getting them to loosen their burkahs. I thought that joining with the insurgent forces would help me since a comrade of mine told me that women dig the weaponry of war. However, to this point in time it has been to no avail. Death To America. Sorry, I just have to slip that in now and then. Is my comrade right and it is just matter of time before I am experiencing desert bliss, or can you suggest some other ways and places to meet women.

I noticed that in your first book Seed’s Sketchy Relationship Theories there are 2 authors (The Seed & German Seed). I was wondering if you have any information about what it was like meeting women during the Roman Empire, Death To America, and the Hitler Years. Because frankly, the Bush years have been filled with nothing more than dust and frustration and I don’t want to renew my subscription of Hustler (The Iraq Edition).

Any help you could launch my way would be appreciated. In closing Death To America.

Frustrated in the dessert.

Osama.

P.S. Unfortunately I will not be able to tell my comrade whether or not his advice was solid as I had to booby trap his body in an effort to stop the Yankee Regime.

Dear Frustrated In The Desert:

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Good luck with that.

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Remember you asked.....

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the seed

A Rebuttal To Question 6 I like my lazy ass.......

Dear Ask Seed,

I would like to respond to a very inspirational letter and response that was recently directed to you sometime before Christmas. A "Concerned Pal" who was in need of helping his unemployed friend wrote it. The unspoken bond of love and affection that the "Concerned Pal" was expressing was one that no one could miss-read, and everyone wishes that they had. It was truly a beautiful out-pouring of emotion, and one that inspired me... as I am sure that it inspired everyone that had the opportunity to read it.

You see, I too was at a crossroads... I too was working at a rink bar... I too had been relatively unemployed for a period of time... I too was looking for a change of life that would support my personal skills set... and it was wonderful to hear you put that "Concerned Pal" in his place, even though his intentions were filled with nothing more than concern and love... He truly needed to "Not judge this man until he has sat a hour on his ass". Who is this weenie that seems to find it very easy to judge the position of others? I picture him as some kind of nerd or computer geek or something of that nature. Even with the mixed emotions of wanting to have a friend that has such concern for ones self, and also having some level of contempt for the "Concerned Pal" as he truly seems to be someone who has his life mapped out for him and has no understanding for those of us who are still trying to answer the question of "What do I want t be when I grow up?.... I was still able to take home some kind of inspiration from this letter, and make some changes to my life.

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I have recently taken some employment... but not just a job... a career move... I have made a 180-degree move from my previous 20 years in one industry, and am trying to make a go of applying my learned experience and expertise in business management in a completely new work environment... Funny though, I am still not bringing home a steady paycheck, and I am still working for that rink bar... GREAT... now I am getting really depressed... Where is the inspiration that I began this letter with... here it is the middle of the night, and I am sitting up awake writing you this stinking letter as I am unable to sleep due to mixed up sleeping schedules with my new "career" and my continuing night job of bartending at the damn rink... I should be in bed getting some sleep so that I can apply myself to me new "career" in the morning, yet here I am, depressed by my new found "inspiration"... Who was this clown that went under the name of "Concerned Pal" anyways?... who gives him any right to judge, and also inflict his opinions on the rest of us through the "Ask Seed" depression hotline???

Maybe I will have to drink heavily now to put my misery to sleep... I believe that there is a bottle of something around that I can polish off so as to get some feeling of completion and accomplishment! Thanks again for pushing me closer to the breaking point of depression you "Concerned Geek"... do me a favor Seed, if you ever see this "Concerned Pal", just give him a swift kick in the balls for me so that maybe he will have to sit for an hour on my ass.

Sincerely, Bitter and Depressed (definitely uninspired!) Drunk.

Question 6 Get off your lazy ass.......

Hey Seed:

I have a friend that is currently unemployed yet insists that he is gainfully employed because he bartends at a local rink when not playing 'hockey'. How do I tell him to get off his lazy ass and get a job?

A Concerned Pal

Dear Concerned Pal:

You definitely pose an interesting question. Hmmm - How do you tell your “friend” to get of his lazy ass and get a job? First off ask yourself this - Can an ass be lazy? The last time I checked isn’t the ass just a small or in some instances a big part of a much bigger package. When you look at the geography that the ass actually occupies it is somewhere near the bodies equator, with the nerve center being a long way a way - way up north in fact. It is a fact - whether I made it up or not that the farther north you live, the more intelligence you must have to ensure survival. Very few people stub their heads. So when one thinks about it a lot of other parts of the body would likely have to be lazy long before the ass itself could become lazy. Also being near the equator, I don’t know if you have ever been to the Southern States, Caribbean, Central America or Mexico. If you have you will notice that the general pace of things is much slower as you must conserve energy due to the heat.

In this instance just consider the Asses neighbor to the west or east depending on the way you are standing. That is right, the second and what some theorists consider the more powerful of brains THE DICK. Much like some of the governments of the countries near the equator, THE DICK sometimes acts much like a Dictator. Pleasure profits and fast living are his sole goal and no cost is too great. This dictator will basically probe all avenues of pleasure even if the tolls are great for the other parts of a persons geographical make up. So I ask of you to cut the ass a little bit of slack. It really is fighting for survival.

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This picture has nothing to do with the question or answer.

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I just love it. It is that simple. Enjoy!

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Of course all original Seed Images are for sale.

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As for your question; Why is it your responsibility to come down on your friend and tell him to get to work? Before you could even approach this issue you would have to find out why he is unemployed to begin with. Things such as age play a very critical role in his employment picture. When someone is in their late teens and early 20s any job will do. You have your whole life to decide where you are going with life and unless you decide to go to University and pursue a specific career path, which I might add guarantees nothing, most people try a few things in an effort to eliminate the things that don’t fit their personality or skills set. Or things which they simply just hate. I am sure you could list a few things that would make you think about slitting your wrists. Having said that I am going to assume your friend is not in his early 20s he is more likely in his early 30s to mid 30s.

Now if that estimate is correct, a whole different set of criteria is involved. I am going to also assume that he hasn’t been unemployed for his whole life or he would not likely be your friend. Unless you two share a crack pipe and this is a common occurrence kicking each others ass so one of you could afford to pick up the next hits. Since you emailed me, I am going to guess that is not the case. Before you can help him you need to look at what caused his unemployment. Did he own his own business and suddenly found himself out of it for some reason? Has he all of a sudden found that his options are shrinking because of his age and the Foot Locker career path is no longer a good option for having a roof over his head when he gets a bit older?

When you are older getting a job is not that easy. Good friends don’t tell each other to get jobs. Instead they try to encourage each other to look for and find the things in life that make them the most happy. Would you want a miserable friend living a marginal life - as a friend? UNEMPLOYMENT REMEMBER CAN BE VERY TRAUMATIC. Assuming that you are not paying his bills, it is really not your responsibility to tell him what to do. Unless of course, he is spending his time bitching to you about how shitty life is and bringing you down. Remember what you did when your parents “told” you what to do. Your friend will likely do the same thing, with added resentment, until you are no longer friends. I remember once when I was fired from a job for not sleeping with the boss, one of my friends would circle jobs in the paper for me. Guess what he is no longer a friend.

Wow I bet you never expected an answer this long. If your friend is truly a friend remember he may be having some esteem issues as the next decision is important to him and he likely needs encouragement more than to be bitched at. Who knows since he plays hockey if the NHL labor dispute continues long enough, maybe next year he can be hired as a Scab Player.

In conclusion. I don’t think you can tell him to get off his lazy ass and get a job. Think about it if his ass reached the status of lazy, it may be a cushy ass, which in turn will make it harder for him to get off of it. Like a wise man once said.

“Don’t judge a man until you have sat for an hour on his ass.”

At least that is how I remember the quote.

I encourage you to pick yourself up a copy of:

Seed’s Sketchy Relationship Theories
A Guide to the Perils of Dating
(How Not To Become A Bar Regular)

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Not only will it provide you with valuable relationship advice, but it may also unlock some secrets to living life to the fullest and having a blast along the way. At least it will make you fall out of your seat with laughter from time to time.

Available at http://www.seedenterprises.com/ or order at your favorite bookstore by quoting ISBN1420800302.

Remember You Asked.…

-

-the seed

Question 5 I'm not a slut.......

Oh My God Seed:

I am not a slut. Yet I have a real problem. I am honestly a LA 10, but for some reason I lose my inhibitions with even a sniff of alcohol. If I partake I find myself lowering my standards to the point that I put myself in questionable situations. In fact the other morning I woke up and to my dismay I found myself lying next to a man. I think. Whatever it was - was an abomination - something or someone which whom I would generally berate.

This has changed my perspective on a lot of things. This particular man, I think his name was Porky turned out to be another lost soul. Do you have any suggestions for me? Am I a slut?

Help Me Please

Helen.

Dear Helen:

It seems like you have quite a dilemma on your hands. On one hand you seem as if you like to party but have some serious problems with the after effects. On the other hand it sounds like you get yourself into some precarious positions when you go down the party highway. Since I feel for your situation and I don’t want to lead you astray or fill your head with my male perspective on the situation I have decided to hand this question over to Female Seed. Take it away FS.

Helen, while it seems like you have a dilemma, lets take a moment to analyze the facts. First of all, are you sure you are an LA 10? In reality you may be an LA 2, or at least have an IQ of 2 if you keep drinking with losers. Also consider that perhaps you are not really lowering your standards, but raising them. Maybe losing your inhibitions with alcohol is just an excuse to explain why you end up in questionable situations with pudgy abominations – people who may be your LA equals! And let’s take a moment to consider what exactly is a slut anyway. A hem length? According to the dictionary a slut is “a woman adulterer”. Are you married? Or just ending up in bed with married men? Another definition of slut is a “dirty or untidy woman”. Who cares if you wear a bit of your dinner or if your LA hairdo gets a little mussed over a drink. What’s so wrong with being a slut anyway?

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(This image and many more are available at :)

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www.seedenterprises.com

On a more serious note, perhaps you are attracted to lost souls – or abominations – because deep down you have a fear of commitment. You may need to sedate yourself with alcohol to pick up an ugly man, but it is much easier to blow him off the next day. Why bother with the pretty boys – they will just hog the bathroom (a sacred space that true LA 10s don’t like to share with anybody). Since you seem to identify with LA and all it stands for, perhaps you should consider drinking Red Bull. It is after all the beverage of choice by most real and aspiring “LA 10s” and since it is not alcoholic you will retain some sense of decorum, especially when being hit on by the Porkys of this world. You may get a little hyper, but you won’t have to worry about Porky anymore because he won’t be able to keep up with you. If however you insist on imbibing alcohol, then perhaps you should heed some advice that my father once gave me: “Before you go out on the town make sure you drink a large glass of milk to coat your stomach and a big piece of bread to soak up the alcohol – that way you won’t get too drunk.” He no doubt told me this because he wanted me to be able to keep my wits about me so that horny young men could not get me drunk and take advantage of me. Little did he know I had a hollow leg and could actually drink many of my prospective suitors under the table!

My final words of advice: If you can’t handle Red Bull, are lactose intolerant, won’t eat bread cause you are watching your carbs, then I recommend that you lay off the liquid courage when getting ready, bring along a chaperone, wear a chastity belt and give Porky a chance. He may be a nice guy!

Remember You Asked.…

-female seed.

Question 4 Too fat to fly......

Dear Seed:

I have a real problem. Recently it has been brought to my attention that I might have a bit of a weight problem. You see, I was booking a short flight and the airline asked me to pay for 3 seats. The thing was, there is only one of me. Up till that point, me and my 4 chins were very content. I was able to spend a lot of quality time alone, just me, my action figures and comic books. I discounted the judgment of others.

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The next event brought me to the point where I could no longer pretend. You see, one day I was walking down the street and though I had not seen my feet for a long time, I was dismayed by what happened. A complete stranger came up to me and told me that I was barefoot and it was not appropriate. Apparently I forgot to wear shoes on this particular day and the sad thing is, I wasn't at the beach.

Wow!!! What a reality check for me. I don't want to die. I have decided to look into one of the radical fad diets to find a solution. I am willing to even take it a step further, if one of these radical plans can help I will move to a country that best supports it. I know Canada is famous for it's bacon, Italy for the pasta, the United States for burgers and France for its bread, but I don't know what Germany is famous for. Can you help me out? And can you suggest a country that may shrink my girth and provide me with the best chance of living?

Sincerely,

Porky Pig.

P.S. Have you seen my dick. If you have can you tell me what it looks like? Also, if I manage to drop the extra baggage do you have any suggestions for a name change?

Dear Mr. Pig

Wow!!! Subway may not even be capable of saving you. First of all, before you lose all of the weight I think a statue should be made of you to capture your wonderful accomplishment. If it wasn't for you, self abuse wouldn't likely have the opportunity to become a national hero. As for the answer. Since I don't know the food group that makes Germany famous I am going to pass the question over to German Seed, who is soon to be known as Euro Seed formerly known as German Seed............

Dear PP,

As I am Euro Seed formerly known as German Seed, I would like to share a German saying with you, which goes something like this:

“Self-awareness is the first step towards self-improvement”.

The fact that you have recognized the problem and are ready and willing to do something about it is very positive. It speaks for you. Well done and don’t let anyone stop you until you’ve reached your goal!!

That leads me to my first question:

What is your goal, anyway?

Do you want to lose a few pounds? Do you want to be somewhat fitter, so that you can take the stairs without losing your lunch? Or do you want to be svelt and become a candidate for the cover of a men’s fitness magazine?

Here is an excerpt from one of our upcoming works, a book on fitness, fashion and lifestyle with the title: Put Down the Fork:

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(working cover)

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"If we had five bucks for every diet book out there, we'd be rich. And if they were all worth their salt we would more than likely not have tens of millions of overweight people in North America today.

Well then, what is the problem with the diet books out there on the market? We suspect that a big part of the problem is a simple misconception regarding diet books in general. Most people think that by going on a diet (or sadly, by simply buying a diet book), they will lose the weight they want to get rid of and then everything will be just peachy. Unfortunately, that's just not the way it works.

If you truly want to lose the weight and keep it off, then here's the "skinny": NO diet can help you. That's right, NO DIET. The ONLY thing that will help you achieve this vital goal is a change in your lifestyle.”

Depending on your goal, you will have to take some drastic measures and make changes in your lifestyle. One thing is sure though, without setting a goal you will continue to sit “around the house”, your fork will still have racing stripes and you will remain fast without the “s”. Do you get my drift?

To get back to your question, Germany is famous for its huge beers and myriad of pork dishes. Nonetheless, obesity is less of a problem here as it is in North America. Germans and most Europeans are more active than the average North Americans. For example, many bike to work instead of driving their SUV. Even though they eat a lot of pork, they consume far less fast food than most North Americans.

However, I don’t really believe that a change in domicile is going to help you.

Being fat isn’t about where you live. It has more to do with what and how much you eat. Of course, not to forget how you feel about yourself. If you let yourself go to the point where you can no longer see your feet, then there are probably some things in your life that you are having trouble with. You seem to have some issues to deal with and before we go any further our plea:

GO TO A PSYCHOLOGIST OR TRAINED PROFESSIONAL AND GET SOME HELP.

We cannot offer professional advice. We just call it as we see it.

The answer lies with you, PP.

Lastly, when it comes to being fat, it doesn’t matter where you are or what you’re supposed to eat or what certain groups of society consider to be OK. ALL that matters is what you think. Do you enjoy looking in the mirror? Are YOU happy with what you see in the mirror? Are YOU happy with YOUR body? If not, then do something about it. You must change your eating habits and make activity and sport a part of your life. Send us an e-mail and we will notify you once our fitness book is published.

Thank-you for your question and dare to make positive change PP!

Yours,

ES

P.S. No, I haven’t seen your dick either and hope that I never have to.

Remember You Asked.…

-euro seed

(formerly known as german seed).

Question 3 Can our love survive?

Hi Seed,

I was just checking out your website and saw the link to Ask Seed. I am undecided about an important situation in my life and am curious to hear what you have to say about it.

I have been with my girlfriend for 2 and a half years now and things were always great. I really had the feeling that she was the one and that we were going to get married and actually remain happy forever. For about 6 months now, we seem to have lost touch with one another. We both have stress at work, which wasn't a problem before, but now when we discuss our issues, it kind of degenerates into a competition. For example: "Hi, honey, I am glad to be home, I had a tough day at the office." Reply: "Well, I also had a stressful day." She is a great person and I truly do love her but this is not the way it's supposed to be.

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What's worse, I always looked forward to coming home from work. Now I am not sure if I do. I have not yet become indifferent, it's just not the same.

We have discussed the negative developments in our relationship and decided that she should try and work on our relationship, but we have already said that a couple of times and I am not sure if this will really solve the problem.

Is it done or is there maybe a chance that we will survive as a couple? Do you have any suggestions?

Thanks.
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:

First off Anonymous I must say you have led a very f--king troubled life, as this is only my 3rd question thus far and two have been from you. I don’t make a point of reading other columnists, however they seem to also get a lot of their questions from you as well. Maybe you are part of a troubled cult. Perhaps there are a lot of people in the world with the name Anonymous. I checked my local phone book and there was not a single Anonymous in it. Maybe it is a regional thing. Is it a Greek name? Maybe it is a first name. Whatever it is I don’t think there is enough counseling on the planet to fix the amount of despair you have met in your lifetime. Thank you though for keeping me in business. When you think of it if you play around with the order of the letters in your name it is precariously close to "Annoy Mouse". Hmm - is that an indication of your character? The jury is out.

As for your dilemma. First off what does f--king "curious" mean? Does it mean you are actually going to read what I have to say or does it mean you are just going to glance at it? People need to stop being so damn curious. If you have ever watched a horror movie, what does curious end up as? That is right: DEAD. I think in real life curious may not have such a tragic result - the result may end up more or less like: BORING.

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Just think about it. People who are curious sound like they are ball-less. “Hmm. I am curious what fish would taste like” or “I am curious what losing my virginity might be like” and even “I am curious what a d--k in my ass will feel like - I have tried a candle and a broom handle, hmmm.”

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Curious is just for the lame. You only get one shot at this life so if you are curious - just stop it and start living. Take a deep breath and do it. (Sticking a candle or broom in your ass does not constitute losing your virginity, except in some of the backward-thinking cities and towns of the World, especially in various Southern States of the US).

Ok, now that you are no longer curious and you are actually interested in what I have to say, grab a comfy chair and a gin or two and sit back and relax. First off it sounds like this girl or broomstick is very important to you, after all you have put 2 plus years into this relationship. Unfortunately it now sounds like it may be splintering apart and the splinters are sticking in places that cause the most pain. Ouch. Well Anonymous, I honestly feel for you and your pain. It is a very unpleasant place to find yourself in. I suggest if your feelings are strong don’t do anything rash. Look at yourself first. Maybe there are some things about yourself that you need to change. You may have some life issues such as work, school, health or financial and you just are not in a position to give to your relationship what you need to at this time. Unfortunately for a lot of people on this planet - both male and female - we are all looking for someone to save us from the world and our sometimes marginal family upbringing. Our insecurities lead us to get into serious relationships (serious means done), often a result of poor timing. We tend to be weak and before we have our own life sorted out, we bring someone else into the mess hoping their support and stability will give us something we never had growing up. Unless they are insecurity or dysfunction free the relationship will eventually break down. The relationship has no ROCK. I f--king know this from my own personal experience. Maybe your girlfriend is going through the same sort of issues as you.

So what do you do? I can’t answer that for you. I can say from experience that when my relationships went south, sometimes I would forget all the negative issues that were in the past, the stuff I just sort of glazed over (cheating, lying etc.) and tried to remember only the good, which some of the time were only positive feelings that I created for myself to protect my own heart. I am also a firm believer that the magic has to always be there, even in the trying times. The spark, the energy, the passion. If it is not, you or your girl may be with the wrong person and just putting in time because it is comfortable, ultimately that becomes an excuse to stop living and brings you one step closer to making stops at the bar of regrets on the way home. Just imagine... If your girl is on the same program perhaps you can stay together and take up stools at the opposite end of the bar on the same nights.

As for stress at work. We all have stress at work, everyone works with assholes. The stress you are facing at work can’t be the first thing on the agenda when you get home. If it is, it might just be a sign of deeper issues. If you want to save your relationship I suggest trying to spark it by changing routine. If you are met with resistance don’t get confrontational. Just take it as a sign and the decision will become clearer. Life is meant to be lived.

Six months is a long time to have lost touch with someone whom you live with. I have had roommates that I dreaded coming home to, but never a love interest. If you are saying six months, I am going to venture to guess it has been longer than that. As for working on it. What does that mean? To me it sounds like part of the competition - each of you are waiting for the other person to change and become more caring, compassionate or sexual or if you prefer taller, smarter, funnier just to name a few.

The last thing you mentioned is you discussed the negative developments in your relationship. From whose perspective? F--k the negative. If you have a desire to save this relationship, discuss the positive. I know that may be hard to grasp, “there must be problems”. I am asking you to take a leap of faith here. If you discuss the positives, life will be much sweeter. If your sweetie doesn’t want to participate and only wants to focus on the negatives, your decision will become crystal clear. Remember, you as well as your girl will change when it is time and if either of you can’t or do not want to handle the negative aspects you bring to the table, then unfortunately this version of the relationship is doomed. Either that or get married and file for divorce later.

Like I said I cannot tell you what to do. My advice may even be wrong for your situation if you and your relationship are the "exceptions" to the rule. The bottom line is, you owe it to yourself and to anyone you love to encourage them to be the happiest that they can be and to live the best possible life. Here is a small excerpt from

Seed’s Sketchy Relationship Theories
A Guide to the Perils of Dating
(How Not To Become A Bar Regular)

5. Don’t project your “will” upon your love.

You can't change them and if you could, do you really want to be with someone who is spineless? When you started dating, you knew what you were getting. When it is time for your love to change, he or she will. You can nurture, support and encourage, that is all. If you want to marry a doctor and Johnny is not cut out for that, you are with the wrong guy, honey. Let Johnny live his own life.

6. Find someone that sends chills up and down your spine.

Someone who you look forward to coming home to. Someone with whom you want to share your life. Someone who you feel content being around and just generally having as part of your life.

Find someone with whom, no matter what obstacles you might face, you know it will be worth the journey to make it through these challenges together. You are stronger as a team.

I hope that has helped some. I wish you the best and I know if you stop being curious you will make the right decision for the right reasons. Stay positive - life is too short to focus on the negatives.

While your at it take the broom out of your ass it must be hurting by now.

In closing my friends, Anonymous is in a very tough situation. He honestly seems to love someone and likely does want what is best for the relationship. He even seems to have soul searched and the simple fact he has asked the question shows he cares. Having said that, sometimes we need to go out into the unknown and find out who we really are. If you find yourself in this situation please look at yourself first. Maybe the answer is simple, maybe it is not. If you have exhausted all avenues make a decision. It is easy to keep asking the same question from different angles, hoping for a different response. Use my suggestions only as suggestions. You ultimately will know if it is worth the effort. If it is, promise to focus on the positive.

Remember You Asked.…
-the seed.

Thank you for your support. Please check our website for exciting upcoming events.

Question 2 Shaving dilemma

Dear Seed,

I have a question for you and I hope you will be able to help me.

For whatever reason in the last while I have had the urge to shave myself. At first, I started shaving my armpits, so that the deodorant works better and I don't sweat as much. Then I started shaving my chest. Now I have the urge to shave my balls.

Is this a radical hygiene phase I am going through or is there a chance that I might be gay?

Thanks and bye,

Mr. Clean

P.S. I checked and I have neither a cock in my ass nor in my mouth. The only dick I hold in my hand is my own. However, I do own a loofah. Please help!!

Dear Mr. Clean

Mr. Clean, Mr. Clean, Mr. Clean, the answer to this question has changed over the years. It used to be simple, you are a big hairless Homo without question. However, as society plows forward there has been some significant changes taking place in the area of personal hygiene. It used to be if a man shaved anything but his facial hair or perhaps the hair on his head it was a definite sign that he was looking for his loving from more manly sources. Either other men or Eastern European women (primarily of the female athlete variety).

Having said that, times have changed. Thanks primarily to some progressive women, body builders (gay culture) and the gay culture (the movie industry) shaving different parts of the anatomy has become somewhat vogue as well as intriguing. Pardon the terminology, back in the 60’s - 70’s and 80’s it was acceptable when “muff diving” to come up with some hairs stuck between your teeth. Hence the term muff diving. The males of the species did not particularly like this - yet it was the price we had to pay to go the “distance”. As society evolved, I think it was 1994 to be exact a progressive girl named Chastity in NYC had done a little trimming of her privates and when her boy Johnny went down for some up close and personal time - to his dismay and excitement he found hardwood floors. No more hair. Johnny loved this and that night of bliss started the demise of muff diving, the world was entering a new dimension. More and more guys were discovering the pleasures of the oral world. Shaving for women was becoming almost mandatory. It was surprising that this took such a long time to come into existence, I guess it shows how slow we are (males) to evolve. I am sure some people are still telling us to leave a message after the tone.

As time passed, out of intrigue some guys have started to shave different parts of their bodies, it used to only be females going in for hair removal treatments and now as we get further into the 21st Century more and more men are going in for treatment as well. Much as guys enjoy what they are finding down below on their female friends, they are being demanded to do some yard work as well. After all it is only fair. Rumor has it gay culture has been doing this for decades.

As for you Mr. Clean let us break down your question. First you had the urge to shave yourself. Most MEN have the urge to grab a beer or a burger, not to shave themselves. If it has not been requested of you - hmmm - your urge seems a little fishy, pardon the pun. Secondly - you started off by shaving your armpits, now Mr. Clean if a str8 man did happen to have this so called urge to shave himself, I am afraid to tell you that extensive research has shown that the armpits ranks somewhere around 19th on the list of places he would shave, it falls right after the tongue and just before the eyeballs. Also the effectiveness of deodorant has nothing to do with hair.

Next you mentioned you started to shave your chest - that may be acceptable if you have one, which is something I am starting to wonder about. Shaving your chest though it doesn’t necessarily mean you are gay anymore (unless of course you are a body builder), it does however loosen up the wrist just a bit.

Mr. Clean I am starting to see a trend here. I may be wrong with my guess, however, I am going to venture that much like “muff diving” is becoming obsolete, so is your fondness for the fairer sex. Finally, once again you have the urge to shave your balls. A Harvrad Study has shown that guys who have shaving urges are likely to be 73% gay. Ironically though having a razor down by your balls might be the last thing that a guy wants, quite often it may be the first thing he shaves out of a desire to get some action. Straight guys clue into this. You shaving your balls last is just an indication that you have not been getting any for a long time and perhaps you are just coming to terms with your own Gayness. I am going to bet that as your shaving experiment progresses, your sense of style has been improving in direct correlation.

Is it a radical hygiene issue. NO. As for your other question here is an excerpt from:

Seed’s Sketchy Relationship Theories
A Guide to the Perils of Dating
(How Not To Become A Bar Regular)

Which may help you to decide for yourself.

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You may be gay if:

• your razor is in the bath tub or shower.
• your magazine selection contains Men's Fitness Magazines.
• your magazine selection contains a lot of fashion magazines.
• you work in retail.
• you do regular facials.
• you actually go out because you like to dance.
• you choose to spend your Weekend nights in predominatley gay establishements.
• you don't have a lisp but it sounds like you do.
• you ever had sex with another man.
• your music collection contains Christina or Justin.
• you are still walking when the treadmill at the gym hits a speed of 6 miles per hour
  

You are likely gay if:

• you like gay pornography.
• you work as a waiter.
• your name is Chad, Jeremy or Josh.
• you shave any of your body hair.
• you have a dick in your mouth.
• you have a dick in your ass.
• you call your male friends girlfriend.
• you call anything fabulous.
• you watch day time televiesion, reality television or any show about cooking or decorating.
• you watch Will & Grace.
• when your asked if you are gay, you have to think about your answer and you answer in a politically correct way.
• you have a loofah in the shower.
• you work at any of the following The Gap, Old Navy, The Banana Republic.
• you think about having sex with other men.
• you are obsessed with body image.
• your music collection has a lot of house or techno in it.
• you know who Margaret Cho is.

You are more than likely gay if:

• you work as a hairdresser.
• you like harcore supposedly straight pornography, the harder it is, the gayer you are.
• you have more unerwear than your girlfriend.
• your diet contains any of the following, e, k, g, crystal or poppers on a regular basis.
• you spend a lot of time dancing with your shirt off.
• you choose to go by Stephen, Patrick or Jonathan.
• when you are asked if you are gay, you agressively answer that you are straight.
• you use the word fabulous.
• you have a dick in both hands, one in your mouth and one in your butt at the same time.
• you prefer to have sex with other men.
• you are a guy and you have a boyfriend.
• you say that you are gay.
• most of your female friends are overweight.
• you are far more attractive than your girlfriend.
• you have more girlfriends than guy friends.
• your warddrobe consists of a lot of shirts that have Old Navy, Gap, Banana Republic or Abercrombie logos on them.
• you watch Friends.
• you know what a loofah is.
• you move to the city and you continue to drive a pick up truck.
• you are a male figure skater.
• your music collection has any of the following: Madonna, Britney, Kylie, Barbara, Celine, Shania or Cher in it.
  

You are definitely gay if:

• you are definitely gay if you have ever been involved in a gay bashing.
• you are not the parent of a male figure skater but yet you like to watch figure skating.

I hope that has been of some help Mr. Clean. In my estimation you are likely 113% gay and it is about time you started to do a little trimming just a little bit north of your balls because it is only a matter of time before that area will experience some probing. I also suggest you look again, are you sure it is your dick in your hand?

Remember 93% of loofah accidents happen in the bathroom or at gay bathhouses and are a result of aggressive lathering. So please lather with caution.

In closing whether one is gay or not is their own issue, it is no one else’s business. It is not a disease or sickness. It just happens to be the way some people on the planet are wired. For anyone out there who has a problem with it. Evolve - get some help, it is you that need it, not your gay friends. They have other more important issues to concern themselves with.

Remember You Asked.…

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-the seed.

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Question 1 "We're having a baby!"

Dear Seed:

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When a couple is having a child, should they use the phrase "we are having a baby"?

Anonymous

A: Dear Anonymous:

Well, thank you Anonymous! You have asked the first question of hopefully many in this new and exciting enterprise called “Ask Seed”. You may be wondering what makes me qualified to answer these tough questions. Well, there are three things, which are all of equal importance: 1. Experience, 2. I am logical and 3. I am smart. That is it in a nutshell, so here we go with our first exciting question.

After some serious thought, I came to the conclusion that it is important to make sure that I am correct in my opinion here, after all this is the first question. So here it is, to summarize my opinion, you just have to ask a simple question: Do “we” look fat in this dress? The answer is a clear and loud “NO”. “Honey, you look fat in this dress”. And for the sake of this question, let us just assume you are actually a couple who are planning on having a child as opposed to one of those who have them by accident (LOL). First off, last time I checked, the male of the species is not capable of having children and on a little side note, we have no control on when our spouses or dates or one night stands or whatever the hell you may be, gets knocked up. Procreation is totally in control of the woman. Guys, if you believe it is any other way, you are stupid. There are only two ways we can have control, either snip-snip or abstinence.

So, now you and your lovely lady decide it is time to bring a little one into the world. Ok, so you are really just going along for the sex, and a by-product of that is your guys are good swimmers. You now have a couple of choices assuming that you are married. If you are, you likely have already given up a lot of your manhood (shall we say balls). Do you think the wedding was for you? You have likely given up a lot of the freedoms that you used to enjoy. You are now accountable to the Mrs. If your decision to tie the knot was well thought out, it is ok to give up some of your manhood. Nightly drinking with the boys might eventually have killed you anyway and maybe it is time to start a new and better life. Also if you have gotten hitched to the right person, it is worth giving up some things as you now have someone with whom you can share the good times and who will help you get through the day to day crap we face in this fucked up world. But the answer to the question is “no”, “we” are not having a baby. Your sweet lady is having a baby and don’t let her convince you otherwise. You do have responsibilities and will be giving up more freedom by succumbing to your night of bliss. You now are going to have a lifetime of financial responsibility. The nights with the boys are going to be fewer and farther between. You are going to have to deal with changing diapers, little league, carpools and so on and so on. Oh yeah, I almost forgot you are going have to deal with some of the psychotic hormonal changes that your gal is going to go through. So once again, we are not having a baby but you do both have your roles to play in the raising of your little Johnny or Chastity.

Now ladies, before you get your panties in a bunch. Come on, cut your guy some slack. I am assuming that one of the reasons you hooked up with him in the first place is that you actually liked his balls or the fact that he has some. If you keep asking him to change, eventually he will become an undesirable broken, ball-less wonder. If you two agreed to this whole child adventure, trust him, he is there for the long run and will give you both the financial and emotional support you so desire and on the basis of his “I do” and “Yeah, I want a kid”, committed himself to. Come on now, you don’t want him doing it out of guilt, do you? Now, if you did not agree on the child experiment, I have one word for you: “BITCH”. You will likely get what you deserve and the one who will ultimately pay the price is the child. So my sweet friend, it is you and solely you that is having the baby and if you have really planned this out well and are planning to raise your own child as opposed to some other hired care-giver or worse yet, Granny and Grandpa, kudos to you. You have now entered a phase where you both will play equally important roles; you as the primary caregiver and your man will play the role of the financial provider. So get off his case. He is working for the team here. He needs his sleep, so get up change the kid yourself.

Also guys, just because your girl is pregnant does not mean you have to give up everything in your life. Unless you have a drinking problem or a health reason for not drinking, it is OK for you to still have a few pops with your friends. It may be your only solace from the unpredictable hormonal assaults you will be facing over the next 9 months. If you decide that you need to quit drinking because your lady is not drinking, well I have a saying for you: MEOW, MEOW, MEOW!!!!!!

And another thing, my friends, please don’t give up your balls. You may still need them.

In conclusion, here are some other things that do not involve the word “we”, the “we’s” that annoy, if you will. “We” did not like the movie, the concert, the play, the whatever – you are still an individual so drop the “we”. It is ok for you to have your own opinion. It is “I” liked, or “Chastity” and “I” liked the movie. “We” is a trap. Don’t use it. Once you start, your balls are gone and the further you go down the path, the harder it will be for you to reclaim them. If you listen, you will be thanking me later.

So there it is answer number 1 of what “we” hope to be many.

Remember You Asked.…
-the seed.

One last thought on this topic.

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Please remember the world is over populated now, so please, please, please, no large families. OK!!