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Saturday, May 26, 2007

Question 27 when life issues a relentless barrage of crap

Hi Seed

I have just read the first chapter of your book and it had indeed made me want to read more.

You have had a very difficult time of it. How do you keep positive if bad things continually keep happening to you though?

I really struggle with this. The last two years I have lost all my family because my mother didn’t like my ex (and I mean all of them turned against me, so haven’t spoken to mother or siblings for over a year - no going back now, they were incredibly nasty) and husband then buggers off and loads of other shitty stuff in between.

So on my own now with two kids, trying my best to build up friendships so we are not totally alone. It’s like believing in god and loosing faith when so much bad happens. I’ve lost faith in human nature cause thought all these people actually loved me.

How did you move from all your adversity to being healthy in mind and soul again?

I just don’t know myself anymore and escape along day to day.

lost & alone

Dear l & l

Warning!

The following answer has some poop references and is not for the squeamish.

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Thanks for the kind words on EuroSeed's and my first book: Seed’s Sketchy Relationship Theories - A Guide to the Perils of Dating (how not to become a bar regular). We really appreciate it. We’ve got a simple suggestion for you if you’d like to chow down on more of the book. We’ll simplify it for you:
  1. Go to your computer.
  2. If it is not on --- turn it on.
  3. Select one of the many book vendor links.
  4. Click.
  5. Buy the book.
  6. Enjoy.

Oh yeah, once fully satiated with our wisdom and comedy --- tell others. Thank you!

Freshly plugged, now it’s time for your query.

How do I stay positive?

I don’t.

Life can be friggen tough… change that, life is friggen tough. It can, at times, knock the crap right out of you. It can beat you down and leave you broken. Fortunately, most of the time when it knocks the crap out of me I’ve been stocked up with toilet paper. Usually the one with the little white kitties on the packaging. I find that particular pooh paper to sooth my burning ass and I can wipe away most of the unwanted garbage and try to move forward with life. At times I get up and some more excrement has decided to make its appearance. Poke its little head out. When that happens, another couple of wipes, a pause to make sure I’m done, and then I get on with my day. As I walk away from the waste depository I pray that there is no lingering burning sensation.

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At times I retreat to the bathroom with no need to sit down and have long drawn out discussions with my mirror.

“Why me? Why did they do this to me? What is wrong with me? I don’t want to live anymore. I’m a useless human being.”

I cry a little. Sometimes, a lot. The mirror mimics me. And I continue:

“Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?” I insert a whole shit load of negative dialogue persecuting myself. I consider the options: teaching them by hurting myself or ripping my esteem apart with negative dialogue. When I’m exhausted and beaten down --- I smack myself and wear the baggage on my sleeves for a bit.

But suddenly, a light goes on: "Don’t want to burden others." So I suppress my emotions and retreat to a very bad mental place. Once I’m firmly cemented in misery --- I’ve achieved my ultimate goal: I’m now useless to everyone and have deemed myself to be a tragic sad story and I’m now unlovable.

Then the “Academy” comes to my house and gives me an award for the saddest most tragic story ever. Armed with “The Award” the clouds of misery lift and I move into a million dollar killer pad, beautiful people surround me, my posse showers me with constant love and affection and I forget the crap that knocked me down to begin with.

I’m nearing my self imposed word limit… screw it… I’m gonna go over the limit.

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Cool, I’ve got a big screen TV in every room. Wicked, David Hasselhoff is on and watching his misery will certainly make me feel better about myself. Fuck, it didn’t. I’m more sad now. What the hell is wrong with us people? We feed off of the train wrecks of others. Shame on us all. That’s okay, I’ll numb myself with Facebook/Myspace, I’ve now got hundreds of friends, they all love me.

Slow down Seed, where are you taking us?

Nowhere really. Just sharing some social commentary on how messed up the world really is. Did you know you can make the Facebook fuckers rich by sending virtual “Balloon Animals” to all of your new pretend Facebook friends?

“Wow! Someone sent me a Virtual Balloon Animal: they really love me!”

And as quickly as your new “friend” loved you, they’re gone, they’ve found more interesting friends and it’s now time to go to the virtual mirror and berate and destroy esteem some more.

I ramble more: in today’s world we’re all so busy, it is vitally important to play out full friendships and relationships as fast as we can… three days max, wouldn’t want to miss a better opportunity, we’re all entitled, after all. In the meantime: let’s extinguish the life of as many creatures as possible. Go humans go… the race is on, shit, do we want to make it to the finish line?

Let’s flip channels and see which celebrity is crashing and burning now!

Back to the two of us. The point: I don’t really have a choice. Misery sucks. Surrounding myself with misery sucks. Crying for too long sucks. I’ve taken my challenges and put them, not forgotten, but put them in a place where I can cope. I’ve for the most part: I have tried to just smile. I lie a lot. I tell people I’m doing fine --- even when I’m not. Eventually the lies stop being lies and I feel better. I try to confide in only a few close friends and even when I do that, I try to be cognizant that they have their trials and tribulations and I don’t want to dump too much on them.

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If it gets too heavy to handle: I cover my mirror and go talk to my doctor or someone qualified and removed from my misery and dump all of it on them. Not all --- cause they’re trying to be happy, too.

“L & a,” I’m confused by your question, “your ex” wasn’t liked so your family disowned you. Confusion intensifies: after they dumped you, your hubby left as well. This begs me to ask a couple of questions:

  1. What the fuck was your ex still doing in your life if you’ve got a husband and kids?

The second question escapes me. As for your family, I don’t know all the details of the demise, so, assuming that you’re a good person, I hate to tell you, families can suck and let us all down.

Now before you enter Martyr Royalty and discard all of those who are supposed to love you unconditionally, ask yourself if their dislike for your ex was because they truly loved you and didn’t want to see a festering bad character in your life?


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Bluntly, it’s your ex, he didn’t want you anymore, if he issued the pink slip, what the fuck is he hanging around for now? To make you feel worse? I know: “we’ve been through so much together and we really love each other.”

At what expense?

Seems to be the expense of your family and maybe even your marriage.

Yes, your family sucks. But look in the mirror and be truthful with yourself. And before you flush them down the toilet --- it’s your family, sit down with them, ask them why? I’m certain the answers may surprise you and they likely didn’t want to see you get hurt. They just sucked in the delivery of their message.

As for your ex, sorry to say, unless he had a brain aneurysm, and all emotional attachments, on both parts, including sexual, are gone, and you’ve determined that life is more important than petty emotions: He’s got no business hanging around in your life. Your responsibility was to your family first, husband and kids, after that, your extended families. After that, just be a kind person and don’t be too hard on yourself. And, smile.


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Winding it all down. Call your mother and just listen. Don’t get defensive. Don’t tell her how much she hurt you, but do tell her you love her. Evolve yourself --- realize your family may have a ways to go. Don’t condemn them for that, unless you want to really be a martyr and keep screaming: “Poor Me.”

If by chance your family is a tragic unsalvageable mess: I’m sorry for you. That’s a tough place to find yourself and maybe it’s best if you uncover your mirror, add a few more mirrors, get extensive counseling and cry every now and then. I’m guessing they’re not.

As for your husband: of course I don’t know the details, but you must discard your ex and let your husband know that you’ve done so. Maybe he was tired of playing second fiddle. He was supposed to be number one.

Now the real tough love: The longer you go “Poor Me,” the more alone you’ll become. People, especially, new people, aren’t interested in the crap. Not initially at least. People like smiling and laughing and happiness. Misery will make them turn the other way. Do you want to be alone?

Hence, a little lie to yourself until your so bored with your misery may be the ticket.

And, pardon the expletive, fuck, you’ve got two kids, you're not alone, they are your priority. As for their friends, they’re kids, they’ll make their own. Just hug them and let them know you love them. Hell, two kids should be enough to fill your time with happiness, it has to be, if it’s not, you’re just being selfish. You’ve already got two exes do you want to up the count? Cause while you're needy, that is the only possibility. All you need to be thinking about is their happiness, your happiness in the future and you have no business even considering dating until your kids are at least into their mid to late teens.

Disagree if you’d like, but unless you’re an exception to the drama of mixing families, good luck.

Now go smile and hug your kids and tell them you love them. Maybe even tell them that you’re sorry.
>
And, be happy.

remember you asked…

the seed


P.S. Turn off the TV.


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Reply to Question 27 when life issues a relentless barrage of crap

To the Seed

I actually think your advice is a load of rubbish.

This is on a number of counts.

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  1. My husband and ex were one and the same person, I havent been messing behind my husbands back with an ex at all. He went off with another woman and left me with a one year old baby and 9 year old son to care for alone, because he told me later, he felt that he needed to feel attractive for someone else again. Was a middle aged man thing!!
  2. As for my family, I made many approaches to them but to be rebuffed. My mother eventually did apologise after about two years. Sad thing she died just months later. Sometimes there is just nothing you can do unless the other parties concerned change their stance. Until then you can not do right for wrong. So all parties knew my circumstances but for their selfish reasons took the decision to just leave me alone with my kids.
  3. I live for my kids and they have got me through this difficult period. I have absolutely nothing to apologise to them for, so dont know what you mean here. I have made them a comfortable home, got them into good schools and they are happy. They have regular contact with their father whom I am now on good terms with. I have only just turned 40 however, and i disagree that until im in my fifites when my youngest will be in her late teens that I must live like a nun and have no life of my own, no dating or anything. My mother devoted all her life to her kids, after my father died when she was in her 50s she never had another relationship. Her kids grew up, moved away, and in the end she said shed made a mistake. Her last couple of decades were lonely ones and she wished she had a life with someone else. She had had the opportunity to date again on a few occassions.
  4. I think that you may not have children yourself, because to say this comment is so ignorant of real life. Mixed families may be difficult, but do actually work sometimes! Also what about my children's father. He has now finished with the woman he went off with. Should he also abstain from dating again until our children are in there late teens? He may not have custody, but he does have the children every alternate weekend and in the holidays.
  5. I think your style of 'hard hitting' advice is a bit naff to be honest, and I originally wrote to you well over a year ago, and now just recieved your reply today. It is now totally irrelavent to me now. I have always been a cheerful easy going type of person, and yes that does help when making friends of which now I have many without the hindrance of a sometimes boorish husband. I dont think the photographs have helped either. I just think your reply has been a load of pretentious, showy bullshit and why you bothered emailing it to me today I will never know!!

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Somehow I doubt my reply will get onto your blog.

From a very dissatisfied customer.

Stay tuned for the reply!

Coming soon… maybe even today.

If so: that’ll cut over a year off our reply time.

Don’t get too excited if we haven’t gotten to your question yet… life is kind of happening all around me/us and we do the best we can. As always, if you're in any serious emotional trouble, seek professional help. All we can do is offer opinion and comedy based on our own experiences and the experiences of those we know.
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And come on, no matter what, the children come first. Life sucks at times and even if it crumbles around you, YES, regardless of what anyone else says, and it may be unfortunate, your life must be put on hold until such time that they are old enough and developed enough to understand. If people start chasing romance when they have small children, they are SELFISH, period.
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Statistics prove this. Life proves this. 51% of first marriages end in divorce. It is nearing 80% for second marriages, guess who pays the price?
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The kids first. Secondly, society. Just have a look around.
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The previous few paragraphs are just opinion. They are general statements and not directed only at the reply. If they spark continued dialogue: great! If they make people give it some thought: great!
..
If you don't agree: good luck for your children.

Reply the reply to Question 27 just keep reading… i hope it’s good!

Dear very dissatisfied nonpaying customer

51% of first marriages end in divorce. It is nearing 80% for second marriages, guess who pays the price?

But you know what, you come first, not the kids, not the world, you.

I’m going to end my bout of sarcasm now.

First up: based on your original question “VDNC,” what other answer could I possibly have given?

Secondly, I’m going to try not to stray too far into defensive mode.

Third, why the hell are you defensive?

Fourth, read the Ask Seed disclaimer.

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And, I prefer “Hogwash” to “Rubbish.”

I’m sorry that it took so long to get back to you, you do know that we do this for no charge and sincerely do want to help people. In that spirit let’s review the advice we gave.

Hmm… flashback to yesterday, I thought based on your question you had an ex hanging around and your life came crashing down in flames. Probably a fair assumption based on the wording of your question. Therefore let’s see, based on those parameters it was suggested:

That life can be tough, unfair and cruel at times. Some very deep personal information was shared. With a hint of comedy, I might add. I know some may not find it to be comedy, that’s okay. Comedy happens to be part of the coping mechanism and since there are around seven billion of us on this rock, we may find different things to be funny.

To continue: it was conveyed that hopefully we all can find a place where the pain doesn’t destroy us. It’s part of life and that there are sad stories and the odd uplifting one where we survive and learn to come to terms with the pain and keep living. Hopefully, not broken and more so, able to function and smile from time to time.

There was some advice to seek help if you can’t cope. To not to dump all of your heartache on those who care about you. To realize that they also have challenges. Over and over it was suggested to try, try, try… to do the best you can and be happy.

There was some commentary on how tragic the world is at times and how we devour the tragedies of others (David Hasselhoff).

And, based on your ex and husband being two entirely different people, it was suggested: you’re family may have your best interests at heart and to not give up on them, yet.

And lastly, put your children first and try to be happy.

And this was all suggested: based on the wording of the question and with a sincere attempt to offer sage advice, while sharing very personal information.

Read your question again. What advice would you have given?

So how were the suggestions greeted?

“Your advice is rubbish.”

Wow… “VDNC,” why are you being so aggressive and bitter?

Now to address each of your points. It really is hard not to be sarcastic --- so bear with me if I show the odd weak moment.
  • My husband and ex were the same person, I haven’t been messing….
I’m going to only say these two things once, it is to be implied from this point forward for the rest of this reply. “Based on your original question” and “In my opinion.” Which by the way is taken from life experience.

Having said that, the answer would have taken on a slightly different tone with the knowledge of two becoming one. Something along these lines, your ex husband is a “bastard” for leaving you and your kids in such a horrible situation. Of course I don’t know the full details of your relationship and what had transpired before it all fell apart.

And without question, that sucks for you, and unfortunately, for the kids. Once kids enter the equation it all becomes complicated. If he left you based on mid-life crisis and totally out of the blue, I up the “bastard” quotient. Guys can be, pardon me, selfish pricks. Unfortunately, that is a product of a fast moving society that missed the boat on love, in my estimation, for the most part.

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Remember when I answer it may be your question, however, the answer is directed to all readers. It is no longer just about you. If you take something positive away from it: great. If not: we tried to help and the effort is sincere. Meaning: some of the answer isn’t exactly your situation. Like the following:

Most people marry at twenty-seven for guys and twenty-three for woman. I think due to inflation it is around thirty and twenty-five now. Then we all follow the path of the past, kids, picket fence, a move to suburbia for economic reasons and we live happily ever after.

Until life happens. Death, job change, age, divorce, etc… And, it gets messy. Woman are traditionally in charge of raising the kids, often with little appreciation. Guys are in charge of bringing home the bacon, often with little appreciation. Or due to the new economic world, both work and leave the kids at home, all with little appreciation. And the kids begin to pay the price. Society as well.

And, life gets messier. Here is where “bastard” comes in. After life happens… guys start to make more money. Their wife puts on a few pounds and is exhausted all the time. Special moments start slipping away. The office becomes a comfortable place and, bang, they fuck up their families and the lives of others, including their own by thinking the grass is greener.

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Who ultimately pays?

The kids of course. And, society. And all those left behind to pick up the pieces.

If your first thought was: “me”. Go to your mirror now and have a heart to heart.

As for the wording of your reply: he seems to have followed the flawed plan to perfection.

And, “bastard” really kicks in when he tells you he needed to feel validated. Why the bleep did he feel he needed to hurt you by sharing that with you?

Cause he is selfish. In my… The grass is not greener and leaving two children behind… I’ll hold off on my words… way to go society… let’s keep repeating history.

Of course this is all assuming you had no role in the demise of the relationship.
  • As for my family, I made…
I don’t understand what you're trying to say. Made approaches?

There must be a reason they didn’t approve of your ex? Did they approve of him when he was your husband?

If the disapproval comes after the split up: your family was on your side and they wanted the best for you. After breakups I’ve always loved when my friends have done the hating for me --- it gave me time to heal.

If the disapproval came before: that is pretty marginal, they are supposed to support and love. Unless of course there is a reasonable reason for the disapproval, ie: drug addict, abusive, drunk, amongst countless other things. Then, again: it is because they love you.

Maybe their lack of support was delivered in the wrong way, but it seems that they may have had good instincts. He left you. Hurt you badly. And he left his kids.

And from my experience, “change their stance,” sounds like a load of crap. Why do people continually try to win their family and intimate relationships? It can’t be done.

Sounds like no one will listen to each other and all they want to do is force their judgment down each others throats. Everybody is too busy trying to be right. What a waste of life. And if they don’t win ---- each retreats to their respective corners crosses their arms and live miserably missing all that is important in life. Trust me: I’ve known firsthand.

Your mother was willing to miss her grandkids' life… wow! How tragic. And regrettably, not reversible. It’s a shame that she apologized and then passed away. Again, sorry to say: how tragic. If you ever read our book, or my first memoir, you’ll understand I’ve got way too much of an understanding on this topic.

“VDNC,” I’m going to venture a guess that you’re not selfishness free in this equation… If I’m wrong --- tell me I’m rubbish.
  • I live for my kids…
I’m going to guess you’ve picked the wrong words for part of this. “They have got me through…” You’re the adult here. You were supposed to help them get through their heartache. Sure, they give you something other than yourself to think about, that is probably what you meant, cause, if you are leaning on a one and nine year old to help you through tough times… again I’ll spare the words.

It’s great that you’re on good terms with their father. It’s for the kids. It’s great that you’ve built a solid home and got them into good schools. That’s fantastic, especially with all the crap you’ve been dealing with, but, and I know that you’ll disagree with this, YES, your kids come first. They are your life now. When I said mid to late teens, that is probably the case, but you’ll have to decide when it is okay for them to see mommy replace daddy. You’ll have to decide when they can mix with other kids from another broken marriage. Kids are fragile --- you know that. You were one and you still seem to be, fragile that is. Life sees to that. We all are.

What’s wrong with all of us?

Look, your mother and you both screwed up, for whatever reason. And she tells you she made a mistake by not dating while she raised her children. That was really nice. Up till I made a mistake devoting the life to my kids… great. After, I’m sorry for you.

Again, your kids come first. Life is sometimes not fair. It is your choice how you impact their lives. Don’t be a nun, but don’t keep the cycle going. We may be getting it wrong.

Sounds like your mother became lonely of her own choice. Cutting out her grandchildren. (Insert expletive). Sounds a little like you want to repeat the cycle.

I know, “rubbish”.
  • I think you may not have children…
I don’t. But I see kids from broken homes everyday. Let’s see: They do drugs. They feel entitled. They feel hopeless and lost. They stab each other. They.... Shall I go on? Sure, why not? They run around screaming for someone to love them. And, at the end of it all they repeat what mommy and daddy did, over and over and over again. Next we all load up on therapy and antidepressants and start accepting it as “just the way the world is.”

Wow, could we all fail any more miserably than that? I don’t need my own kids to see the tragedy. I do, however, have godchildren and if anything was to happen to their parents, my life would change and I’d assume my role fully. I wouldn’t subject the kids to anymore confusion than they’re already going through. Certain aspects of my life if they weren’t already in place, would be put on hold.

People who choose not to have kids for whatever reason, are the only ones who don’t screw up their nonexistent kids lives. Too abstract?

Again, kids come first. Always.

Unfortunately, it is different for guys, unfair, but different. Should your ex abstain? Yes. But isn’t his lack of abstaining the reason for the mess to begin with? The unfair comes in because he is no longer the primary caregiver, and therefore, not around the kids all of the time…

As for the mixed families, sure, a few have worked, but for every few that work, thousands and thousands fail miserably. They have this tendency to complicate things beyond all belief, and again, mess up the kids involved.

I know: “There was a lady who smoked three packs a day and lived to a hundred.”

There were also a billion people who’ve smoked, who died at fifty. We can all justify if we try hard enough.
  • I think your style of ‘hard hitting’… I don’t think the photographs…
The beauty of being able to write this column is because I’m removed from the situation and I am not concerned about holding back my opinions. What’s the point of that? We’ve got Dr. Phil for trying to salvage marginal relationships and coddling.

I don’t like the way a lot of the things about how we treat each other. It really sucks. And, it sucks big time to get hurt. Having said that, it’s part of life. I don’t know every detail of everyone who writes in, therefore, it is impossible to hit on every aspect of every question. And frankly, if you're on a ledge, I’m not qualified to talk you down. This column is about entertainment and it offers opinions, life experience and hopefully an olive branch.

Sorry for taking so long to reply. Like said, life has been ongoing.

As for this being irrelevant to you: from your statements, I think it likely is. It sounds like your family has this, like most, need to feel they are right, including you, or it’s off to the corner to miss each other's life. Your mother did it. You’ve done it. And when it was virtually too late, you tried to make up. How tragic.

My family has been part of the same program --- on a much more bizarre level, and guess what? I’m the kid in the equation. Long story. I’ve forgiven. They’re still in the corner. We’ve missed each other lives. It sucks.

Speaking for the kids of the world --- I get to wear the pain daily.

Sorry to say, you seem to be bitter. I hope I’m wrong. But you even took shots at the photographs. They’re just photos from a walk and now that I look at them, based upon my interpretation of the original question, sure, China Town may not have any relevance, the others on the other hand, do. And, they’re just photographs.

I leave you with this, my mantra for living:

Live everyday to the fullest. Smile. Hug each other. Nurture and treat your family and friends like gold, even if they haven’t evolved yet. Be kind to all others. Try to avoid confrontation. If you screw up don’t be too hard on yourself. And, be happy.

If that’s showy bullshit --- I guess I’m not bitter, jaded and cynical enough, yet.

no reply goes without a response

the seed

P.S.: The time and effort to answer and respond comes with no remuneration and is a product of sincerely giving a shit about people and the world. If you’re unsatisfied with our responses --- keep searching for someone to tell you what you want to hear.

P.P.S.: I’m sticking to my guns on this one, if you have kids and your marriage and life comes crumbling down, they come first. You’ll have to decide for yourself when they are old enough not to be damaged by your needs. If you don’t care and want to subject them to new potential “mothers and fathers” is there any other term than "selfish"?

The formula isn’t working let’s quit screwing up the future!

Now go hug your children and tell them you love them.

“Hogwash!”

one last postscript

Somehow I doubt my reply will get onto your blog.

Did I miss something? Did you win our conversation? Why wouldn’t I post your reply?

I was just trying to help, offer opinion, entertain… I didn’t realize that a “cheerful easy going type of person,” would be so focused on being right. I’m also not sure why’d they’d ask a question and would be upset if the answer isn’t to their liking?

Lastly, I’m not sure why a “cheerful easy going type of person,” would feel the need to state that fact.

Now for the big finish.

Be happy!

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Random: Photo Journey

Random: Photo Journey

birth

birth
midlife

Time

Time
blue

spies

spies
devious

Hudson

Hudson
NYC vs. Jersey

black

black
queen

industry

industry
rust

nature

nature
perfects

lips

lips
tagged

svelt

svelt
tree

drowning

drowning
love

burn

burn
gray

lone

lone
thirst

wet

wet
love boats

German

German
domesticity

going down the drain

going down the drain
flushed