Question 3 Can our love survive?

Hi Seed,

I was just checking out your website and saw the link to Ask Seed. I am undecided about an important situation in my life and am curious to hear what you have to say about it.

I have been with my girlfriend for 2 and a half years now and things were always great. I really had the feeling that she was the one and that we were going to get married and actually remain happy forever. For about 6 months now, we seem to have lost touch with one another. We both have stress at work, which wasn't a problem before, but now when we discuss our issues, it kind of degenerates into a competition. For example: "Hi, honey, I am glad to be home, I had a tough day at the office." Reply: "Well, I also had a stressful day." She is a great person and I truly do love her but this is not the way it's supposed to be.

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What's worse, I always looked forward to coming home from work. Now I am not sure if I do. I have not yet become indifferent, it's just not the same.

We have discussed the negative developments in our relationship and decided that she should try and work on our relationship, but we have already said that a couple of times and I am not sure if this will really solve the problem.

Is it done or is there maybe a chance that we will survive as a couple? Do you have any suggestions?

Thanks.
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:

First off Anonymous I must say you have led a very f--king troubled life, as this is only my 3rd question thus far and two have been from you. I don’t make a point of reading other columnists, however they seem to also get a lot of their questions from you as well. Maybe you are part of a troubled cult. Perhaps there are a lot of people in the world with the name Anonymous. I checked my local phone book and there was not a single Anonymous in it. Maybe it is a regional thing. Is it a Greek name? Maybe it is a first name. Whatever it is I don’t think there is enough counseling on the planet to fix the amount of despair you have met in your lifetime. Thank you though for keeping me in business. When you think of it if you play around with the order of the letters in your name it is precariously close to "Annoy Mouse". Hmm - is that an indication of your character? The jury is out.

As for your dilemma. First off what does f--king "curious" mean? Does it mean you are actually going to read what I have to say or does it mean you are just going to glance at it? People need to stop being so damn curious. If you have ever watched a horror movie, what does curious end up as? That is right: DEAD. I think in real life curious may not have such a tragic result - the result may end up more or less like: BORING.

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Just think about it. People who are curious sound like they are ball-less. “Hmm. I am curious what fish would taste like” or “I am curious what losing my virginity might be like” and even “I am curious what a d--k in my ass will feel like - I have tried a candle and a broom handle, hmmm.”

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Curious is just for the lame. You only get one shot at this life so if you are curious - just stop it and start living. Take a deep breath and do it. (Sticking a candle or broom in your ass does not constitute losing your virginity, except in some of the backward-thinking cities and towns of the World, especially in various Southern States of the US).

Ok, now that you are no longer curious and you are actually interested in what I have to say, grab a comfy chair and a gin or two and sit back and relax. First off it sounds like this girl or broomstick is very important to you, after all you have put 2 plus years into this relationship. Unfortunately it now sounds like it may be splintering apart and the splinters are sticking in places that cause the most pain. Ouch. Well Anonymous, I honestly feel for you and your pain. It is a very unpleasant place to find yourself in. I suggest if your feelings are strong don’t do anything rash. Look at yourself first. Maybe there are some things about yourself that you need to change. You may have some life issues such as work, school, health or financial and you just are not in a position to give to your relationship what you need to at this time. Unfortunately for a lot of people on this planet - both male and female - we are all looking for someone to save us from the world and our sometimes marginal family upbringing. Our insecurities lead us to get into serious relationships (serious means done), often a result of poor timing. We tend to be weak and before we have our own life sorted out, we bring someone else into the mess hoping their support and stability will give us something we never had growing up. Unless they are insecurity or dysfunction free the relationship will eventually break down. The relationship has no ROCK. I f--king know this from my own personal experience. Maybe your girlfriend is going through the same sort of issues as you.

So what do you do? I can’t answer that for you. I can say from experience that when my relationships went south, sometimes I would forget all the negative issues that were in the past, the stuff I just sort of glazed over (cheating, lying etc.) and tried to remember only the good, which some of the time were only positive feelings that I created for myself to protect my own heart. I am also a firm believer that the magic has to always be there, even in the trying times. The spark, the energy, the passion. If it is not, you or your girl may be with the wrong person and just putting in time because it is comfortable, ultimately that becomes an excuse to stop living and brings you one step closer to making stops at the bar of regrets on the way home. Just imagine... If your girl is on the same program perhaps you can stay together and take up stools at the opposite end of the bar on the same nights.

As for stress at work. We all have stress at work, everyone works with assholes. The stress you are facing at work can’t be the first thing on the agenda when you get home. If it is, it might just be a sign of deeper issues. If you want to save your relationship I suggest trying to spark it by changing routine. If you are met with resistance don’t get confrontational. Just take it as a sign and the decision will become clearer. Life is meant to be lived.

Six months is a long time to have lost touch with someone whom you live with. I have had roommates that I dreaded coming home to, but never a love interest. If you are saying six months, I am going to venture to guess it has been longer than that. As for working on it. What does that mean? To me it sounds like part of the competition - each of you are waiting for the other person to change and become more caring, compassionate or sexual or if you prefer taller, smarter, funnier just to name a few.

The last thing you mentioned is you discussed the negative developments in your relationship. From whose perspective? F--k the negative. If you have a desire to save this relationship, discuss the positive. I know that may be hard to grasp, “there must be problems”. I am asking you to take a leap of faith here. If you discuss the positives, life will be much sweeter. If your sweetie doesn’t want to participate and only wants to focus on the negatives, your decision will become crystal clear. Remember, you as well as your girl will change when it is time and if either of you can’t or do not want to handle the negative aspects you bring to the table, then unfortunately this version of the relationship is doomed. Either that or get married and file for divorce later.

Like I said I cannot tell you what to do. My advice may even be wrong for your situation if you and your relationship are the "exceptions" to the rule. The bottom line is, you owe it to yourself and to anyone you love to encourage them to be the happiest that they can be and to live the best possible life. Here is a small excerpt from

Seed’s Sketchy Relationship Theories
A Guide to the Perils of Dating
(How Not To Become A Bar Regular)

5. Don’t project your “will” upon your love.

You can't change them and if you could, do you really want to be with someone who is spineless? When you started dating, you knew what you were getting. When it is time for your love to change, he or she will. You can nurture, support and encourage, that is all. If you want to marry a doctor and Johnny is not cut out for that, you are with the wrong guy, honey. Let Johnny live his own life.

6. Find someone that sends chills up and down your spine.

Someone who you look forward to coming home to. Someone with whom you want to share your life. Someone who you feel content being around and just generally having as part of your life.

Find someone with whom, no matter what obstacles you might face, you know it will be worth the journey to make it through these challenges together. You are stronger as a team.

I hope that has helped some. I wish you the best and I know if you stop being curious you will make the right decision for the right reasons. Stay positive - life is too short to focus on the negatives.

While your at it take the broom out of your ass it must be hurting by now.

In closing my friends, Anonymous is in a very tough situation. He honestly seems to love someone and likely does want what is best for the relationship. He even seems to have soul searched and the simple fact he has asked the question shows he cares. Having said that, sometimes we need to go out into the unknown and find out who we really are. If you find yourself in this situation please look at yourself first. Maybe the answer is simple, maybe it is not. If you have exhausted all avenues make a decision. It is easy to keep asking the same question from different angles, hoping for a different response. Use my suggestions only as suggestions. You ultimately will know if it is worth the effort. If it is, promise to focus on the positive.

Remember You Asked.…
-the seed.

Thank you for your support. Please check our website for exciting upcoming events.

Question 2 Shaving dilemma

Dear Seed,

I have a question for you and I hope you will be able to help me.

For whatever reason in the last while I have had the urge to shave myself. At first, I started shaving my armpits, so that the deodorant works better and I don't sweat as much. Then I started shaving my chest. Now I have the urge to shave my balls.

Is this a radical hygiene phase I am going through or is there a chance that I might be gay?

Thanks and bye,

Mr. Clean

P.S. I checked and I have neither a cock in my ass nor in my mouth. The only dick I hold in my hand is my own. However, I do own a loofah. Please help!!

Dear Mr. Clean

Mr. Clean, Mr. Clean, Mr. Clean, the answer to this question has changed over the years. It used to be simple, you are a big hairless Homo without question. However, as society plows forward there has been some significant changes taking place in the area of personal hygiene. It used to be if a man shaved anything but his facial hair or perhaps the hair on his head it was a definite sign that he was looking for his loving from more manly sources. Either other men or Eastern European women (primarily of the female athlete variety).

Having said that, times have changed. Thanks primarily to some progressive women, body builders (gay culture) and the gay culture (the movie industry) shaving different parts of the anatomy has become somewhat vogue as well as intriguing. Pardon the terminology, back in the 60’s - 70’s and 80’s it was acceptable when “muff diving” to come up with some hairs stuck between your teeth. Hence the term muff diving. The males of the species did not particularly like this - yet it was the price we had to pay to go the “distance”. As society evolved, I think it was 1994 to be exact a progressive girl named Chastity in NYC had done a little trimming of her privates and when her boy Johnny went down for some up close and personal time - to his dismay and excitement he found hardwood floors. No more hair. Johnny loved this and that night of bliss started the demise of muff diving, the world was entering a new dimension. More and more guys were discovering the pleasures of the oral world. Shaving for women was becoming almost mandatory. It was surprising that this took such a long time to come into existence, I guess it shows how slow we are (males) to evolve. I am sure some people are still telling us to leave a message after the tone.

As time passed, out of intrigue some guys have started to shave different parts of their bodies, it used to only be females going in for hair removal treatments and now as we get further into the 21st Century more and more men are going in for treatment as well. Much as guys enjoy what they are finding down below on their female friends, they are being demanded to do some yard work as well. After all it is only fair. Rumor has it gay culture has been doing this for decades.

As for you Mr. Clean let us break down your question. First you had the urge to shave yourself. Most MEN have the urge to grab a beer or a burger, not to shave themselves. If it has not been requested of you - hmmm - your urge seems a little fishy, pardon the pun. Secondly - you started off by shaving your armpits, now Mr. Clean if a str8 man did happen to have this so called urge to shave himself, I am afraid to tell you that extensive research has shown that the armpits ranks somewhere around 19th on the list of places he would shave, it falls right after the tongue and just before the eyeballs. Also the effectiveness of deodorant has nothing to do with hair.

Next you mentioned you started to shave your chest - that may be acceptable if you have one, which is something I am starting to wonder about. Shaving your chest though it doesn’t necessarily mean you are gay anymore (unless of course you are a body builder), it does however loosen up the wrist just a bit.

Mr. Clean I am starting to see a trend here. I may be wrong with my guess, however, I am going to venture that much like “muff diving” is becoming obsolete, so is your fondness for the fairer sex. Finally, once again you have the urge to shave your balls. A Harvrad Study has shown that guys who have shaving urges are likely to be 73% gay. Ironically though having a razor down by your balls might be the last thing that a guy wants, quite often it may be the first thing he shaves out of a desire to get some action. Straight guys clue into this. You shaving your balls last is just an indication that you have not been getting any for a long time and perhaps you are just coming to terms with your own Gayness. I am going to bet that as your shaving experiment progresses, your sense of style has been improving in direct correlation.

Is it a radical hygiene issue. NO. As for your other question here is an excerpt from:

Seed’s Sketchy Relationship Theories
A Guide to the Perils of Dating
(How Not To Become A Bar Regular)

Which may help you to decide for yourself.

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You may be gay if:

• your razor is in the bath tub or shower.
• your magazine selection contains Men's Fitness Magazines.
• your magazine selection contains a lot of fashion magazines.
• you work in retail.
• you do regular facials.
• you actually go out because you like to dance.
• you choose to spend your Weekend nights in predominatley gay establishements.
• you don't have a lisp but it sounds like you do.
• you ever had sex with another man.
• your music collection contains Christina or Justin.
• you are still walking when the treadmill at the gym hits a speed of 6 miles per hour
  

You are likely gay if:

• you like gay pornography.
• you work as a waiter.
• your name is Chad, Jeremy or Josh.
• you shave any of your body hair.
• you have a dick in your mouth.
• you have a dick in your ass.
• you call your male friends girlfriend.
• you call anything fabulous.
• you watch day time televiesion, reality television or any show about cooking or decorating.
• you watch Will & Grace.
• when your asked if you are gay, you have to think about your answer and you answer in a politically correct way.
• you have a loofah in the shower.
• you work at any of the following The Gap, Old Navy, The Banana Republic.
• you think about having sex with other men.
• you are obsessed with body image.
• your music collection has a lot of house or techno in it.
• you know who Margaret Cho is.

You are more than likely gay if:

• you work as a hairdresser.
• you like harcore supposedly straight pornography, the harder it is, the gayer you are.
• you have more unerwear than your girlfriend.
• your diet contains any of the following, e, k, g, crystal or poppers on a regular basis.
• you spend a lot of time dancing with your shirt off.
• you choose to go by Stephen, Patrick or Jonathan.
• when you are asked if you are gay, you agressively answer that you are straight.
• you use the word fabulous.
• you have a dick in both hands, one in your mouth and one in your butt at the same time.
• you prefer to have sex with other men.
• you are a guy and you have a boyfriend.
• you say that you are gay.
• most of your female friends are overweight.
• you are far more attractive than your girlfriend.
• you have more girlfriends than guy friends.
• your warddrobe consists of a lot of shirts that have Old Navy, Gap, Banana Republic or Abercrombie logos on them.
• you watch Friends.
• you know what a loofah is.
• you move to the city and you continue to drive a pick up truck.
• you are a male figure skater.
• your music collection has any of the following: Madonna, Britney, Kylie, Barbara, Celine, Shania or Cher in it.
  

You are definitely gay if:

• you are definitely gay if you have ever been involved in a gay bashing.
• you are not the parent of a male figure skater but yet you like to watch figure skating.

I hope that has been of some help Mr. Clean. In my estimation you are likely 113% gay and it is about time you started to do a little trimming just a little bit north of your balls because it is only a matter of time before that area will experience some probing. I also suggest you look again, are you sure it is your dick in your hand?

Remember 93% of loofah accidents happen in the bathroom or at gay bathhouses and are a result of aggressive lathering. So please lather with caution.

In closing whether one is gay or not is their own issue, it is no one else’s business. It is not a disease or sickness. It just happens to be the way some people on the planet are wired. For anyone out there who has a problem with it. Evolve - get some help, it is you that need it, not your gay friends. They have other more important issues to concern themselves with.

Remember You Asked.…

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-the seed.

Thank you for your support. Please check our website for exciting upcoming events.

www.seedenterprises.com