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Dear very dissatisfied nonpaying customer
51% of first marriages end in divorce. It is nearing 80% for second marriages, guess who pays the price?
But you know what, you come first, not the kids, not the world, you.
I’m going to end my bout of sarcasm now.
First up: based on your original question “VDNC,” what other answer could I possibly have given?
Secondly, I’m going to try not to stray too far into defensive mode.
Third, why the hell are you defensive?
Fourth, read the Ask Seed disclaimer.
And, I prefer “Hogwash” to “Rubbish.”
I’m sorry that it took so long to get back to you, you do know that we do this for no charge and sincerely do want to help people. In that spirit let’s review the advice we gave.
Hmm… flashback to yesterday, I thought based on your question you had an ex hanging around and your life came crashing down in flames. Probably a fair assumption based on the wording of your question. Therefore let’s see, based on those parameters it was suggested:
That life can be tough, unfair and cruel at times. Some very deep personal information was shared. With a hint of comedy, I might add. I know some may not find it to be comedy, that’s okay. Comedy happens to be part of the coping mechanism and since there are around seven billion of us on this rock, we may find different things to be funny.
To continue: it was conveyed that hopefully we all can find a place where the pain doesn’t destroy us. It’s part of life and that there are sad stories and the odd uplifting one where we survive and learn to come to terms with the pain and keep living. Hopefully, not broken and more so, able to function and smile from time to time.
There was some advice to seek help if you can’t cope. To not to dump all of your heartache on those who care about you. To realize that they also have challenges. Over and over it was suggested to try, try, try… to do the best you can and be happy.
There was some commentary on how tragic the world is at times and how we devour the tragedies of others (David Hasselhoff).
And, based on your ex and husband being two entirely different people, it was suggested: you’re family may have your best interests at heart and to not give up on them, yet.
And lastly, put your children first and try to be happy.
And this was all suggested: based on the wording of the question and with a sincere attempt to offer sage advice, while sharing very personal information.
Read your question again. What advice would you have given?
So how were the suggestions greeted?
“Your advice is rubbish.”
Wow… “VDNC,” why are you being so aggressive and bitter?
Now to address each of your points. It really is hard not to be sarcastic --- so bear with me if I show the odd weak moment.
- My husband and ex were the same person, I haven’t been messing….
I’m going to only say these two things once, it is to be implied from this point forward for the rest of this reply. “Based on your original question” and “In my opinion.” Which by the way is taken from life experience.
Having said that, the answer would have taken on a slightly different tone with the knowledge of two becoming one. Something along these lines, your ex husband is a “bastard” for leaving you and your kids in such a horrible situation. Of course I don’t know the full details of your relationship and what had transpired before it all fell apart.
And without question, that sucks for you, and unfortunately, for the kids. Once kids enter the equation it all becomes complicated. If he left you based on mid-life crisis and totally out of the blue, I up the “bastard” quotient. Guys can be, pardon me, selfish pricks. Unfortunately, that is a product of a fast moving society that missed the boat on love, in my estimation, for the most part.
Remember when I answer it may be your question, however, the answer is directed to all readers. It is no longer just about you. If you take something positive away from it: great. If not: we tried to help and the effort is sincere. Meaning: some of the answer isn’t exactly your situation. Like the following:
Most people marry at twenty-seven for guys and twenty-three for woman. I think due to inflation it is around thirty and twenty-five now. Then we all follow the path of the past, kids, picket fence, a move to suburbia for economic reasons and we live happily ever after.
Until life happens. Death, job change, age, divorce, etc… And, it gets messy. Woman are traditionally in charge of raising the kids, often with little appreciation. Guys are in charge of bringing home the bacon, often with little appreciation. Or due to the new economic world, both work and leave the kids at home, all with little appreciation. And the kids begin to pay the price. Society as well.
And, life gets messier. Here is where “bastard” comes in. After life happens… guys start to make more money. Their wife puts on a few pounds and is exhausted all the time. Special moments start slipping away. The office becomes a comfortable place and, bang, they fuck up their families and the lives of others, including their own by thinking the grass is greener.
Who ultimately pays?
The kids of course. And, society. And all those left behind to pick up the pieces.
If your first thought was: “me”. Go to your mirror now and have a heart to heart.
As for the wording of your reply: he seems to have followed the flawed plan to perfection.
And, “bastard” really kicks in when he tells you he needed to feel validated. Why the bleep did he feel he needed to hurt you by sharing that with you?
Cause he is selfish. In my… The grass is not greener and leaving two children behind… I’ll hold off on my words… way to go society… let’s keep repeating history.
Of course this is all assuming you had no role in the demise of the relationship.
- As for my family, I made…
I don’t understand what you're trying to say. Made approaches?
There must be a reason they didn’t approve of your ex? Did they approve of him when he was your husband?
If the disapproval comes after the split up: your family was on your side and they wanted the best for you. After breakups I’ve always loved when my friends have done the hating for me --- it gave me time to heal.
If the disapproval came before: that is pretty marginal, they are supposed to support and love. Unless of course there is a reasonable reason for the disapproval, ie: drug addict, abusive, drunk, amongst countless other things. Then, again: it is because they love you.
Maybe their lack of support was delivered in the wrong way, but it seems that they may have had good instincts. He left you. Hurt you badly. And he left his kids.
And from my experience, “change their stance,” sounds like a load of crap. Why do people continually try to win their family and intimate relationships? It can’t be done.
Sounds like no one will listen to each other and all they want to do is force their judgment down each others throats. Everybody is too busy trying to be right. What a waste of life. And if they don’t win ---- each retreats to their respective corners crosses their arms and live miserably missing all that is important in life. Trust me: I’ve known firsthand.
Your mother was willing to miss her grandkids' life… wow! How tragic. And regrettably, not reversible. It’s a shame that she apologized and then passed away. Again, sorry to say: how tragic. If you ever read our book, or my first memoir, you’ll understand I’ve got way too much of an understanding on this topic.
“VDNC,” I’m going to venture a guess that you’re not selfishness free in this equation… If I’m wrong --- tell me I’m rubbish.
- I live for my kids…
I’m going to guess you’ve picked the wrong words for part of this. “They have got me through…” You’re the adult here. You were supposed to help them get through their heartache. Sure, they give you something other than yourself to think about, that is probably what you meant, cause, if you are leaning on a one and nine year old to help you through tough times… again I’ll spare the words.
It’s great that you’re on good terms with their father. It’s for the kids. It’s great that you’ve built a solid home and got them into good schools. That’s fantastic, especially with all the crap you’ve been dealing with, but, and I know that you’ll disagree with this, YES, your kids come first. They are your life now. When I said mid to late teens, that is probably the case, but you’ll have to decide when it is okay for them to see mommy replace daddy. You’ll have to decide when they can mix with other kids from another broken marriage. Kids are fragile --- you know that. You were one and you still seem to be, fragile that is. Life sees to that. We all are.
What’s wrong with all of us?
Look, your mother and you both screwed up, for whatever reason. And she tells you she made a mistake by not dating while she raised her children. That was really nice. Up till I made a mistake devoting the life to my kids… great. After, I’m sorry for you.
Again, your kids come first. Life is sometimes not fair. It is your choice how you impact their lives. Don’t be a nun, but don’t keep the cycle going. We may be getting it wrong.
Sounds like your mother became lonely of her own choice. Cutting out her grandchildren. (Insert expletive). Sounds a little like you want to repeat the cycle.
I know, “rubbish”.
- I think you may not have children…
I don’t. But I see kids from broken homes everyday. Let’s see: They do drugs. They feel entitled. They feel hopeless and lost. They stab each other. They.... Shall I go on? Sure, why not? They run around screaming for someone to love them. And, at the end of it all they repeat what mommy and daddy did, over and over and over again. Next we all load up on therapy and antidepressants and start accepting it as “just the way the world is.”
Wow, could we all fail any more miserably than that? I don’t need my own kids to see the tragedy. I do, however, have godchildren and if anything was to happen to their parents, my life would change and I’d assume my role fully. I wouldn’t subject the kids to anymore confusion than they’re already going through. Certain aspects of my life if they weren’t already in place, would be put on hold.
People who choose not to have kids for whatever reason, are the only ones who don’t screw up their nonexistent kids lives. Too abstract?
Again, kids come first. Always.
Unfortunately, it is different for guys, unfair, but different. Should your ex abstain? Yes. But isn’t his lack of abstaining the reason for the mess to begin with? The unfair comes in because he is no longer the primary caregiver, and therefore, not around the kids all of the time…
As for the mixed families, sure, a few have worked, but for every few that work, thousands and thousands fail miserably. They have this tendency to complicate things beyond all belief, and again, mess up the kids involved.
I know: “There was a lady who smoked three packs a day and lived to a hundred.”
There were also a billion people who’ve smoked, who died at fifty. We can all justify if we try hard enough.
- I think your style of ‘hard hitting’… I don’t think the photographs…
The beauty of being able to write this column is because I’m removed from the situation and I am not concerned about holding back my opinions. What’s the point of that? We’ve got Dr. Phil for trying to salvage marginal relationships and coddling.
I don’t like the way a lot of the things about how we treat each other. It really sucks. And, it sucks big time to get hurt. Having said that, it’s part of life. I don’t know every detail of everyone who writes in, therefore, it is impossible to hit on every aspect of every question. And frankly, if you're on a ledge, I’m not qualified to talk you down. This column is about entertainment and it offers opinions, life experience and hopefully an olive branch.
Sorry for taking so long to reply. Like said, life has been ongoing.
As for this being irrelevant to you: from your statements, I think it likely is. It sounds like your family has this, like most, need to feel they are right, including you, or it’s off to the corner to miss each other's life. Your mother did it. You’ve done it. And when it was virtually too late, you tried to make up. How tragic.
My family has been part of the same program --- on a much more bizarre level, and guess what? I’m the kid in the equation. Long story. I’ve forgiven. They’re still in the corner. We’ve missed each other lives. It sucks.
Speaking for the kids of the world --- I get to wear the pain daily.
Sorry to say, you seem to be bitter. I hope I’m wrong. But you even took shots at the photographs. They’re just photos from a walk and now that I look at them, based upon my interpretation of the original question, sure, China Town may not have any relevance, the others on the other hand, do. And, they’re just photographs.
I leave you with this, my mantra for living:
Live everyday to the fullest. Smile. Hug each other. Nurture and treat your family and friends like gold, even if they haven’t evolved yet. Be kind to all others. Try to avoid confrontation. If you screw up don’t be too hard on yourself. And, be happy.
If that’s showy bullshit --- I guess I’m not bitter, jaded and cynical enough, yet.
no reply goes without a response
the seed
P.S.: The time and effort to answer and respond comes with no remuneration and is a product of sincerely giving a shit about people and the world. If you’re unsatisfied with our responses --- keep searching for someone to tell you what you want to hear.
P.P.S.: I’m sticking to my guns on this one, if you have kids and your marriage and life comes crumbling down, they come first. You’ll have to decide for yourself when they are old enough not to be damaged by your needs. If you don’t care and want to subject them to new potential “mothers and fathers” is there any other term than "selfish"?
The formula isn’t working let’s quit screwing up the future!
Now go hug your children and tell them you love them.
“Hogwash!”
one last postscript
Somehow I doubt my reply will get onto your blog.
Did I miss something? Did you win our conversation? Why wouldn’t I post your reply?
I was just trying to help, offer opinion, entertain… I didn’t realize that a “cheerful easy going type of person,” would be so focused on being right. I’m also not sure why’d they’d ask a question and would be upset if the answer isn’t to their liking?
Lastly, I’m not sure why a “cheerful easy going type of person,” would feel the need to state that fact.
Now for the big finish.
Be happy!
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